snarkview: 9×09, you don’t bring kevin tran to an angel fight.

Hi! I finally got around to watching this episode so here we go! I haven’t seen an episode since the premiere but I doubt that it’ll take much for me to catch up with the show’s complex and exquisitely well crafted plot. Yup.

So. There’s a recap of all this shit. Angel’s jumping in vessels, Castiel is human. Blah. Blah. Sam is possessed by an angel with robotic, baby blues. That probably explains why he’s more terminator than Angel.

At the start a bunch of people are facing off against each other. FACE OFF! That movie is awesome. Unlike Supernatural. Anyway. It’s a bunch of bikers vs a middle-aged Glee club. Oh and look, the middle-aged Glee club are the ones who won! Look at them, all covered in blood and looking all homely and shit! HA HA HA HA HA. Angel beef over and done. Next.

Samzekiel is saying that Sam is almost healed and I CAN’T WITH JARED AS THIS ANGEL. IT’S SO HORRIBLE. He sounds like he’s swallowing coins. Samzekiel switches back to Sam, who proceeds to start bitching. He’s missing time, blanking Dean’s whining out etc. Seriously, Sam, you should be HAPPY. Dean says it’s the trials.

It’s like I haven’t missed the last seven episodes.

Sam and Dean are working a case as FBI agents (because that isn’t old yeeeeet). And oh, surprise surprise, Castiel is there, ALSO posing as FBI angel. Agent. Whatever. Dean says some shit. Sam stands there. Cas declares that “Cas is back in town.” Gosh. SHOOT ME NOW. IT’S ONLY BEEN SIX MINUTES. They’re investigating the whole angel death thing and Cas says they’ll find who’s responsible. I assume that it’s this Bartholomew guy and his cronies. I don’t know who he is or who they are and I just don’t care. They’re trying to take heaven back from Metatron. Oh please. Get Kurt Russell to deliver his speech from Miracle, then get out there and TAKE IT.

GREAT MOMENTS ARE BORN FROM GREAT OPPORTUNITY, Y’ALL. But yeah, there’s an angel pissing contest. Some angels die. Some live.

Back at some bar, Cas says that someone called April (apparently she was a reaper that he banged, which Dean stabbed. Boy, am I sad that I missed that.) told him that Bartholomew is trying to reverse the spell and take heaven back. Yes. We know this. Next. Next. Oh, Cas is schlammered after one beer, guys and it is so DAMN HILARIOUS.

Not.

Sam becomes Samzekiel and Dean says “oh boy”. I agree. Jared sounds like he’s trying to sound like an upperclass European person who is trying to impersonate Colin Firth impersonating Madonna’s fake British accent. But…it is so hard for Jared so I guess he’s trying. WAIT. He just said “SERTINN” instead of certain. Lord have mercy. Anyway, WAIT WHAT. Metatron shows up when Samzekiel goes to get something out of the car and says that he knows who Samzekiel is….apparently he’s not Ezekiel. So he knows who he is but he’s choosing to say who he isn’t. Talk about obvious commercial set up.

Dean tells Cas they can’t work together because Sam isn’t doing so great. Meanwhile, Metatron reveals that Samzekiel is actually an angel called Gadriel…who I’m assuming is one of the more douchier angels. My oh my, what a surprise. What a HUGE game-changer. Jared is just doing all these deep breaths and shit. I don’t know why. Has he forgotten that he’s an angel here and not Sam. Anyway. Metatron says some shit. He wants to be Gadriel’s friend. Gadriel used to be an imprisoned angel. Oh dear. Metatron wants to rebuild Heaven so that there are no more stupid angels. Yeah, good luck with that buddy.

The angels killed at the start were apparently a born again biker gang. Laughing. On. The. Inside. Nowhere. Sam and Dean talk about Bartholomew’s boys and some other shit that I don’t understand or care about.

In the latest addition of Dumb People In The Woods, a bunch of people are killed by more angels just as they’re giving themselves to Malachi. I don’t even know.

Later, Samzekielgadriel is back talking to Metatron (I’m surprised that Dean lets Sam out of the house!). He says that Sam is a mess and asks if Metatron wants to be the new God. Instead Metatron says that he’ll be known as X when the time comes.

X.

X?

I am disappointed that there wasn’t some sort of triple X joke in there somewhere.

Castiel PRAYS to someone (read: angels, because he’s fucking stupid) for help. Ugh. An angel shows up. Some other douchebag angels show up and beat the shit out of Cas and his new angel buddy Muriel. Bad guy monologue, check. Does Muriel die? Check. Castiel taking the moral high ground. Check. In between the bad guy talk, the angel who took Cas reveals that a bunch of angels died, including Ezekiel. Cas frowny face? Check. More angel bullshit? Check.

Kevin is still deciphering shit. He’s either always screaming about how hard his life is and/or deciphering shit.This episode is awful. I’ll just say that now while I wait for this—OH, JOY. Castiel just stole some other angel’s grace. SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS!! AGAIN! He calls Dean to tell him that the leader of the opposition is called Malachi. Does anyone give a flying fuck about this stupid political angel bullshit? Anyway, Cas tells Dean that Ezekiel is dead and Dean realises how motherfucking stupid he is. He wants Kevin to find a spell that allows him to talk to the human that an angel is occupying. Kevin whines about how hard his life is.

Meanwhile…Sam/Gadriel agrees to be Metatron’s second in command. Oh boy. Metatron tells Gadriel that before that can happen, he has to slay a bunch of people. He gives him a name of a piece of paper but we don’t see it. Sigh. The suspense is killing me.

Back at the house, Dean tells Sam what really happened when he was in his coma. LOL. This is hilarious. Sam is outraaaaged. OUTRAAGED. Lmao, Dean tells Sam that he has to expel the angel possessing him. And then when Dean tries to stop him from leaving, Sam (or WHOEVER) knocks Dean out.

AND THEN HE KILLS KEVIN!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

He then declares that “THERE IS NO SAM.”

YESSSSSSSSS.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Samnotzekiel apparently heard Dean and Kevin talking about a bunch of sigils that they put up (so that Dean could talk to Sam without Gadriel hearing) and altered them. And basically the name from before was KEVIN TRAN. So yeah. Bye Kevin. Bye Sam. BE GONE, BITCHES.

Dean calls Kevin’s name a couple of times and cries and finally the episode comes to an end. Aw, Dean. You don’t bring a Kevin Tran to an angel fight, you bring another angel. Oh wait, that didn’t work either. Oh well.

Episode rating: A for Ain’t Nobody Got Time For This Angel BS. Let it go, writers. Seriously.

Thoughts: I really don’t know what Jared is doing but it’s distracting and not in a good way. Jensen seems to be doing well at not giving a shit and phoning it in unless he has to a bromangst (I AM TRADEMARKING THIS) scene. I wish Jared would follow suit. I don’t really know what’s happening with Misha. One minute he sounds normal, then he’s doing the Cas voice…then he sounds normal. So yeah, this episode sucked as usual but CELLO BOY/KEVIN IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!

…I wonder if they’ll bring him back somehow because omg this is SPN and no one stays dead and omg that’s what makes the show so awesome!!!! dead ISN’T dead!!!!!!!!!

Oy vey.