HELLO!


Hey all, welcome to my blog.  

If you’re here because you’re tired of Supernatural and the cast- I have a lot of posts that will be of interest to you. Way too many. I kind of wish they’d retire the show and their stupidity. If you’re wondering why I’m trash talking your favourite show – there’s an explanation post here.

Please read the rest of this post if you’re wondering where the Supernatural recaps have gone.

If you have a general comment about Supernatural, the cast or whatever, I now have an open thread!

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The Ranch (Netflix)


Ashton Kutcher stars in this Netflix-original sitcom as Colt, who returns home to his family’s ranch in Colorado after his semi-pro football career ends in failure. Colt plans to run the ranching business with his older brother, Rooster, and his father, Beau (Sam Elliott), whom he hasn’t seen in 15 years. In addition to proving himself to his father and navigating family dynamics, Colt is torn between his current girlfriend and his high school sweetheart, Abby (Elisha Cuthbert), when she expresses doubts about her fiance.

I reviewed the pilot episode of this show a while back. The post is no longer up (because I have standards or something, idk!) but the snark was strong.

Based on the pilot, the summary of this show is basically ‘Youngest son returns home after failed football career to find that his father is still a redneck farmer that hates everything.’

The laugh track doesn’t help this show because as people are ‘laughing’, I’m wondering if I’m having a terrible dream. There are wise cracks about Ashton Kutcher wearing Uggs. The first one was so painful that the writer treated us to another. The opening conversation is about Ashton Kutcher’s character slipping when peeing into the mouth of an ice statue. He ended up flashing Shania Twain while he was up in Canada. The following exchange happens:

Brother: I bet she said that ‘don’t impress me much’.

Ashton
: No, she said, ‘man I feel like a woman’.

Laugh track
: ha ha ha ha ha we’re sobbing on the inside.

By the end of the episode, Ashton Kutcher’s character has supposedly failed his football tryout. He asks his father if he can stay and tries to give him money. His father says no and zzzzZzzzzz. Is this a sitcom or weird family drama? Oh and Ashton and his father manage to end a fifteen year drought by arguing. As this happens a song with the lyrics ‘Rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby freaky’ (or something along those lines) plays and I was silently screaming SOMEBODY SAVE ME.

Clearly, I don’t care enough about ranches and hoedowns to like this show. Oh, and I just looked up the reviews and apparently the internet agrees that this show is terrible. Well, some of the internet. Apparently it gets better. Or is it that the pilot is so woeful that it can’t get any worse?

As someone who genuinely liked Undateable (which was a terrible, terrible show), I should probably give this show a few more episodes on that basis. However, if I do, I’m only doing so because I like Elisha Cuthbert.

I’m still mostly watching the show for Elisha Cuthbert. The jokes are so-so and it’s basically a predictable soap opera.

The biggest issue while watching the show was Danny Masterson. His jokes were along the lines of the Shania Twain joke. Insensitive and not very funny. I was also aware of the accusations against him so it was super uncomfortable. He left the show eventually (well, they fired him) so…I don’t know. Perhaps the show can focus on actual humour and discard the cheap laughs.

Or not.

The only major criticism I have is that it’s very repetitive and it looks cheap. I think I read that they shoot it on a soundstage in Burbank (in front of a live audience who apparently laugh at the many, many, f-bombs). Yeah. It shows.

I also hate all of the country music they keep subjecting me to. I don’t think I’m the show’s target audience AT ALL.

And I am not sure why ‘fuck, yeah‘ comes up so many time in the scripts. If they’re ad-libs then…fuck, no. Swearing is a lazy punch line that doesn’t really sound good when it’s a half an hour show. It also sounds so forced on the show at times that I automatically roll my eyes.

Other than that it kind of grows on you. I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either.

It’s harmless background noise and perfect for those nights when you can’t fall asleep, lol.

Verdict: 5/10

ETA: I finished season 2 part 2/season 4 and ugh. Predictable. That and everyone seems to have undergone asshole transplants. Elisha’s character was just annoying which means that my viewership may end sooner rather than later. They need to give her better material. Or maybe just get her to come back as Alex Kerkovich.

#HappyEndings4eva

“shithole countries”


I will say it as simply as I can. Fuck Donald Trump.

Abagond

New York Daily News, January 12th 2018.

“Shithole countries” is what the US president calls countries of Black and Brown people.

On January 11th 2018 President Trump said:

“Why do we want all these people from Africa here? They’re shithole countries … We should have more people from Norway.”

and:

“Why do we need more Haitians? Take them out.”

“Shithole” is a vulgar term for anus.

Trump reportedly believes all Haitians have AIDS and that most if not all Nigerians live in huts.

Nigerians returning to their huts.

The New York Times said Trump’s remarks were:

“the latest example of his penchant for racially tinged remarks denigrating immigrants”

The Daily Stormer, a racially-tinged neo-Nazi website:

“This is encouraging and refreshing, as it indicates Trump is more or less on the same page as us with regards to race and immigration.”

Twitter user Educating Liberals (@Education4Libs) said:

“Trump just…

View original post 406 more words

Bad Moviethon #15-17


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON 

#15-17

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Let’s Be Cops | 2014

Plot: Two struggling pals dress as police officers for a costume party and become neighborhood sensations. But when these newly-minted “heroes” get tangled in a real life web of mobsters and dirty detectives, they must put their fake badges on the line.

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Happy New Year + 2017 roundup. 


Last year I posted… uh, well, not a lot. Or it wasn’t structured or cohesive at any rate.
That’s not going to change.

Supernatural watchers, I’m still on a hiatus/neveragainatus. However, all of the posts will remain up because a lot of them are still quite popular. I guess that’s either a testament to my great wit or the garbage that masquerades as the show these days. If you’d like to discuss the show, there’s an extremely dead open post on the sidebar and you can contact me via email (spnsnark[at]gmail etc).

There will be more movie and TV reviews on the way when I find something that doesn’t put me to sleep. I might even read a book! Or two.

Potentially Bad Moviethon lives on! Send me your recommendations.

The Girl Who Hates Everything does not live on. I love everything now. Seriously.

The Real World: Trump Administration…is on hiatus, much like the administration’s common sense. Same goes for the other political posts. I toyed with making a political blog but then I came to my senses. Life is depressing enough. Two blogs that do a better job than I ever did are Mock Paper Scissors and Trumptimestamp. Brexit no longer exists to me.

Most Popular Posts of 2017

Surprisingly (or not), they’re mostly Supernatural related. Ironically, I had my most views in a calendar year in 2017 despite posting about my blog topic sporadically. Life. 

Here’s a selection:

1. The Real World: Trump Admin, Week 1. Back when we could laugh about it.

2. How To Straighten Your Nose in 3 Minutes. I highly recommend this.

3. Stupid and Senseless: Dean Cain

My ex-TV husband is currently languishing on BET and SyFy. And the CW. Maybe he should become a liberal.

4. Stupid & Senseless: Part Infinity, Jared Padalecki Treats [insert customer service representative] like shit. 

Another ex-TV husband. I think I have bad taste in fictional husbands.

5. Killer Pet Dog Movie. 

They most show this quite often? The best worst thing that Rob Morrow has ever done.

6. Stupid & Senseless: Jared Treating Someone Else Like Shit

Ugh.

My favourite post of 2017 is probably…

Too Mooch Too Soon & this delightful gem but I might be biased.

You know what, here’s everything I posted in 2017 for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

I’ll catch up with you guys later!

5 wonderful christmas gifts…


…for idiots (because they’re people too)!

1. Novelty MAGA brick.

For the Trump supporter that you happen to know (and maybe secretly detest!). This novelty foam brick will be perfect. It can be interpreted in many ways. They can throw it at ‘MSM/libtards’ or it can be thrown at them and maybe knock some sense into their heads? 

Wishful thinking. 

2. Custom Gold Business Card 

For someone who wants to go that extra (douche) mile. Why be incompetent on simple card when you can be incompetent in gold. 

This little light of mine…

3. Memory Enhancing Chewing Gum

….For those of you who happen to know any government officials in the UK/US because these so called world leaders appear to have lost their damn minds. 

This is also handy for those who voted these people in. When everything is a huge mess (more so than it is already) they will try to rewrite history. Hold your close (or not to close) ones accountable today with this memory enhancing chewing gum!

4. Chicken Leg Pants

For the fashion conscious. Have some more angles:

I feel like this would be part of a really good (or bad) Oompa Loompa clothing range. 

5. Hello Kitty Diving Dry Suit

… this one doesn’t require any explanation does it? 

Honourable mentions:

– Fluffy Kitten Underwear

…For the rabid cat enthusiasts in your life.

Last but not least… 

– Leftover Bath Water

What the…

A mineral water themed after dirty bathwater???

Excuse me?!

I have no words for this. Apparently they’re poking fun at someone but I don’t know who nor do I really want to know who. 

Merry Christmas, y’all. 

Stay away from this weird shit. 

Enjoy your day, snarklings!


Everything on this list bar #1 is from © Japan Trend Shop

If Ed Sheeran had a song about cereal…


… I’m pretty sure that it would go like this:
Ed Sheeran – So Surreal (Cereal)

Woke up one day
It was raining
Water on the window pane
Slowly driving me insane
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)

(Hook)
Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

(Chorus)
This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

It was a Monday
Didn’t hear what you say
You looked sad
And I felt bad
Still I pushed you away
Cause every damn day
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)


Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

Bridge [needlessly backed by a gospel choir]

Rice Krispies
Oh yeah, when we had a ball
Cheerios
For when we wished we had it all
Cornflakes
That night we danced in the hall
Honey Nut
Oh, girl you really made me fall
Coco pops
Oh, yeah you had me up against the wall
Cereal (oh na na na na naii)
Girl you had me standing tall

(Hook)

(Chorus) x 3


If you’re wondering why I penned this song (lmao), the answer is that I don’t get Ed Sheeran. He went from being a WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) to an overexposed and overrated WGWG. I actually liked his first album. Lego House. Give Me Love. A Team etc. Everything else that’s come after it – nope.
Shape Of You still makes me want to take a frying pan to the head.

It’s not unusual for someone to sell out the way he did, and whatever, get money.

I’d just like him to get money without irritating me with his bland, unexciting lyrics.

book recommendations…


Speaking of Nancy Drew, I read one of the books the other day.  It was TERRIBLE. I know that Carolyn Keene is probably fifty different people with different levels of questionable writing ability, but it was awful. Whose idea was it to retool the series?

The Nancy Drew Files, or the Nancy Drew Case Files, is a detective fiction series started in 1986 and released by Simon & Schuster, New York. It is a spin-off of the original series of novels featuring Nancy Drew, with a greater emphasis on adventure, malice and romance.

Lol, I wrote a little snarky thing on it after I finished it. I was supposed to review the first five books but that didn’t happen. Hasn’t happened. Yet. Never underestimate the depths of my boredom. 

Here it is:

The Nancy Drew Files

1. Secrets Can Kill (June 1986)

Plot: Nancy poses as a student and goes undercover to investigate a series of thefts at Bedford High.

Snarkified plot: Someone is stealing files and items at a high school in FuckedUpShitAlwaysHappens Heights and the police don’t care. Let’s hire 18 year old Nancy Drew! This time her car is red and not blue because this series is MODERN! 

After some top notch sleuthing (so sole guy being rude to Nancy) we discover that said guy was blackmailing the other students. He dies, no one cares and the case is solved!! 

But wait! 

He also happened to be blackmailing the super hot student that Nancy makes our with for no real reason. Oh, a hot guy! Oh, she might leave her not quite boyfriend, Ned, for hot guy! Oh, but wait, she’s just undercover as a high school student! It would never last. And OH NO, he might be a murderer! Oh, wait. He’s not. He’s just a Russian spy. 

CASE SOLVED!

Turns out that she was just confused and that she loves Ned after all…

Mhmm…

Until the next hot guy she meets while undercover. 

Verdict: LOL.

So yeah, for 2018, I’m going to need some intelligent book recommendations. 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need To Happen


1. iVain

Join us as we follow six individuals who are in love with themselves! Including this preppy millennial who’s planning to propose to herself. 

Preppy millennial: 

I just decided one that that I’d finally met the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. They were right in front of me all along. That person was me. Is me. Yay! I’m funny smart, talented and an independent women. I like all of my own oictures on Instagram. I take over fifty selfies a day. I LOVE ME AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! I DO!

2. CrazYCLISTS 

Join us as we talk to reckless cyclists who continue to endanger themselves and others! Who do they do it? 

Random cyclist: 

It’s not my fault that people are too slow and that cars are too fast! I’m a proud member of the Lycra club! SUCK IT! 

PRODUCER’S NOTE: This show was renamed Crazy Lists because no one gives a fuck about crazy cyclists. 

3. Fantelevision Island

For those of you that can’t stand to be away from your television screens. Forget, binge watching. You now have the chance to be IN your favourite shows. Forever.

Random fan:

“They told me that I’ve never be able to marry Dean Winchester, kiss Sam Winchester or boink Castiel! Thanks to Fantelevision Island, I was able to do all three! Over and over again. And again. Apparently the same shit repeats itself on Supernatural. Who knew? 
Somebody save me please?”

4. Gut Instinct

Join us as we follow six people who DIDN’T follow their gut instinct. 

Including Jenna from Ohio who grudgingly accepted a parcel for her neighbour and was surprised to find out that inside the box was a fire breathing dragon! 

Jenna from Ohio:

“He burned his way out of the box and then destroyed my house. I still have singed hair to this day. My left eyebrow will probably never recover.”


5. The Opinionator

Tired of having people disagree with you all the time? Don’t worry, this show gives you the opportunity to choose one lucky person to sit under The Opinionator! This is a top of the range machine that uses shock therapy, aggressive Japanese pop music and more to sway people’s opinions to your liking. It will turn to your chosen person into the Yes-man that you so desperately need!

Say goodbye to political arguments at Christmas and apply to be on The Opinionator today! Terms and conditions apply. We will also not be paying for any resulting medical costs or provide legal representation when you’re sued for every penny you’ve got. 

Random stupid person: 

I used to have the same arguments with my boyfriend every night until I signed up for the show. Now he agrees with everything I said! It’s awesome. So awesome that when I jokingly said that we should break up he agreed! Wait. Is there any way to reverse this procedure? 

L.O.V.E.


Dark times lie ahead so I’ve gone back. Thanks to the internet, you can play old shows and try and convince yourself that it’s still 2005, back when shit was normal. Well. By normal I mean less crazy because we’ve been on a downward spiral for some time now. The noughties were an interesting time. Reality TV really took off.

There was Newlyweds, wherein Jessica Simpson wondered if she was eating chicken because the tuna can said chicken of the sea on it. And even if you felt sorry for Nick Lachey, he instantly undid that by being a bit of a douche. I recently watched the first season and a some of the second season and it’s awful but amazing at the same time. There was too much stupid in that relationship.

Not to be outdone by her sister, Ashlee Simpson broke through and got her own television show. Her pop career took off and prospered (lol) until her disastrous SNL appearance and a massive influx of boos after her Orange Bowl performance. Neither of which were probably entirely her fault, but the fact that she was a blatant manufactured product meant that people were all too willing to hate her.

I am still confused by the whole fake punk thing she was going for. Black hair, grungy clothes etc. How hardcore. Her music was garbage, and I say this as someone who used to rock to Avril Lavigne. Ashlee Simpson was like a third rate Avril that you’d give money to in order to get her to stop performing.

Anyway, MADtv took her SNL appearance and really ran with it. Some of the skits are hilarious. I almost feel bad for her because they’re brutal.

This is the original video for L.O.V.E (which is sort of catchy and awful at the same time).

And this is the madTV skit:

They also spoofed her show and her SNL performance. I feel bad for laughing but they’re hilarious.

Join me tomorrow for my social commentary on every single episode of That’s So Raven.

(Don’t worry, I’m kidding. I haven’t reached that level of misery just yet.)

Image credit: here

the threat is real, but the hysteria is fake


I’ve grown tired of Trump and writing about it was so utterly depressing that I’ve stopped. However, considering that he managed to drag the UK into his bullshit, I shall comment.

Donald Trump has shared a series of Islamophobic tweets from far-right extremist group Britain First, sparking condemnation for spreading its “deplorable” ideology to a global audience.

The first video, originally shared by deputy leader Jayda Fransen’s account, claimed to show “Muslim migrants beating up a Dutch boy on crutches”.

A second re-post was captioned “Muslim destroys statue of Virgin Mary”, while a third read “Islamist mob pushes teenage boy off roof and beats him to death”. [link]

Britain First are a bunch of crazy, whackos, however, that doesn’t mean that they don’t have their admirers. I’m sure you’ll find some wayward Christians who agree with them but will never say so out loud. That doesn’t legitimise Britain First in any way. The President of the United States retweeting them might. Getting a cosign from David Duke also isn’t a good thing.

At this point, Trump is making the rest of the world root for North Korea. He can’t get a tax bill together, the federal government might shut down next month, North Korea are trying to blow up the country yet he had time to retweet some anti-Muslim bullshit.

Naturally, his useless minions are out in force to defend him.

“Whether it’s a real video, the threat is real,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “His goal is to promote strong border security and strong national security.”

Whether it’s a real video? That’s like saying a bank robber didn’t commit a crime because there were only counterfeit notes in the vault. Girl, bye. Go and parrot your lies and subterfuge elsewhere.

I’m not talking about the nature of the video,” she said. “…The threat is real, what the President is talking about – the need for national security and military spending – those are very real things, there’s nothing fake about that.”

Yeah…. swap out Muslims for Trump and those words ring true. The threat is already in the country. In the Oval office with his tiny fingers tapping out his next tweet.

Meanwhile, Theresa May had this to say:

The Prime Minister earlier said the billionaire was “wrong” to have retweeted messages by Britain First’s deputy leader that featured misleading, Islamophobic videos.

Her spokesman added: “British people overwhelmingly reject the prejudiced rhetoric of the far right which is the antithesis of the values that this country represents – decency, tolerance and respect.”

Weaaaaak. Not surprising, though.

In true buffoon fashion, Trump repsonded via Twitter. To the wrong account. And then deleted it.

He reposted it of course.

I wish that we could delete him.