Finally!!! I will start off with the recap of the season (based on what I remember, which is not a lot). In the premiere, Sam was in a trial-induced coma, and sadly, Dean brokered a deal that unleashed the horror of Jared Padalecki as Gadreel as Ezekiel on us. Dean acted like a dog for an episode. Kevin died and Dean was sad about it. Sam finds out that he’s been possessed by an angel while Dean remains sad. They get into the annual midseason fight. Kevin’s mom gets her revenge and Ghost!Kevin tries and fails to be the voice of reason re: the annual fight. At some point Dean takes on the Mark of Cain so he can seek revenge on…everyone, or something. Dean starts to lose the plot. There as an abysmal spinoff attempt. Dean continues to lose the plot. And then his batshit-o-meter reaches 100% and he declares that he’s a dictator and loses his damn mind.
There is one thing I know for certain; the ridiculousness of the episode will not be able to top the Real Housewives of New York City finale:
Okay, now I actually have to go and watch the episode! And like always, I’m assaulted with Carry On My Wayward Son. I don’t remember 90% of the shit in this recap, so…*opens new tab and does something else*
What the episode is called: Do You Believe In Miracles?
What it should have been called: Hit Me Baby One More Time 2.0
We pick up where we left off, with Dean in bonkers mode as they yell for him to drop the blade. Sam wisely declares that ‘something is wrong with you, Dean’. Oh, Sam. They lock him up, because that ALWAYS ends well on this show. This is basically a season 4 redux. Dean’s coughing up blood (as as opposed to a nose bleed, so that’s on difference I guess.
Metatron is at his fucking typewriter no doubt typing up some bullshit about stories and writing blah, blah, blah, blah, who cares. Oh, and he answers to ‘God’ now and he loved ‘The Notebook’. He also disses the People’s Choice Awards, which is hilarious. Apparently it’s not quite the real deal. Oh-ho-ho, tell that the fan who voted 6,000 times for Supernatural (I don’t know what’s worse, that she voted that many times, or that she counted).
Metatron delivers a speech to the angels that I didn’t listen to, as Sam and Cas pull up in some abandoned area to find Gadreel, who ran off in the Impala. Castiel heals Gadreel and asks him about Metraton’s whereabouts. We cut to Crowley who’s having a massage….gross. Thankfully he’s summoned by Dean. Who is wondering what’s happening to him. He apparently gets this high and really, really, really needs to kill…surely one would expect the mark of a demon to do that to them? I digress, Crowley tells Dean his body isn’t strong enough to contain the power the blade yields, but Dean asks Crowley to help him get the blade.
Sam makes an impassioned plea over the phone when they discover that Dean’s missing. I can literally feel the strain on the shared brain cell that these characters have. There’s some shit about breaking the bond between Metatron and the angel tablet, blah, blah, blah, blah but that’s basically their plan to weaken Metatron. Dean and Crowley arrive at some kind of restaurant and talk – oh sorry – growl at each other. Dean’s tapping away at his laptop for some reason, whining about how’s there been no random acts of God. Crowley’s goons arrive with a cell phone video of Metatron healing a car crash victim. The best part about this scene is the one bystander going ‘holy shit, is he frigging serious, did you just see that?’ in the most monotonous way ever.
Dean and Sam meet up at the hit-and-run woman’s RV, and start arguing about all kinds of shit, Kevin, Gadreel (who Sam doesn’t hate anymore…), blah, blah, Dean is the best shot they have at killing Metatron and he’s going to do it no matter the consequences, and they’re going to do it together, blah, blah.
This is very touching. Not.
Back at the park, Tahmoh as Gadreel and Castiel travel to Metatron’s office via this….interesting use of special effects. By interesting I mean terrible.
Naturally, they both end up locked up in matching cells after Metatron’s cronies see through their ruse (Tahmoh as Gadreel was pretending that he’d ‘captured’ Castiel) in two seconds. I just did not see that one coming!!!!! Sam and Dean are prepping and getting ready to take Metatron on, and LOL, Dean apologises for the last few months and then knocks Sam out because it’s ‘not his fight’. Bahahahahaha. Sam is literally unconscious for this one. They couldn’t give him the dignity of being tied to a chair? Dean arrives at the spot where Metatron and his followers are gathered.
Tahmoh as Gadreel goes all crazy and blows himself up…as redemption. Oh well. Bye then.
Dean finally catches up with Metatron and they trade lines such as ‘You are just Bernie Madoff with wings’ and blah, blah, blah. Jensen looks like he’s ready to give his face a good workout. There’s mini-protractor mouth, which develops into full blown protractor mouth. Dean blames Metatron for everything and whips out the First Blade. There is still 13 minutes left of this shit. Good lord. STOP TALKING FOR PETE’S SAKE!!!!! They finally start fighting and…Dean goes flying, lmao. Metatron breaks his arm and kicks the First Blade away. You should have superglued it to your arm, Deany!! Sam wakes up and decides to show up, but Metatron is still kicking the shit out of Dean. YESSSSS. But then Dean manages to pick up the blade with his magic arm. [They cut to Castiel finding the angel tablet, and he smashes it, breaking the connection it has with Metatron]. Sam comes running in…just in time to see Metatron stab Dean in the heart….
Oh boy. Sam lets out a very weird sounding ‘Nooo!’…and tries to kill Metatron but he vanishes and appears in his office where Cas is waiting. Metatron tells Castiel that Dean is dead, but he isn’t. I actually feel sorry for Dean…kind of. Not really. LOL. Anyway, Sam tries gets him out of there.
Back in his office, Metatron talks and talks and talks and talks and talks, until all of the other angels revolt against him.
Almost Dead Dean says that he’s proud of ‘us [himself and Sam]’ (why?) and then he dies (!!!!!!!) and Sam starts crying and…lol…I can’t with Jared in this scene. A good fake crier he is not.
Whereas, Jensen improves significantly when he doesn’t have to do anything. Back at the house,Sam goes to summon Crowley to make a deal….yawn. Been there, done that. Next. Crowley appears and starts talking to Dean’s dead body about how he didn’t know this would happen when Dean took on the Mark. Apparently, Cain also died to get away from the evil of the Blade, blah, blah and that’s how he became a demon. He places the Blade on Dean’s chest and says some shit about him not feeling death and that he should open his eyes, blah, blah, blah and what do you know? Dean is a demon! I wish they’d cut to Sam crying hysterically at this moment, just for the laughs, but alas, I was probably supposed to be all like, ‘OMGGGGG NOOOOO DEAN IS A DEMONNNNNNNNNNNN OMG’ at this point.
Instead I’m laughing my ass off because as we all know, I’m watching the show wrong ;P Oh and there’s some shit about Castiel dying if he doesn’t replenish his grace, but I honestly don’t give a fuck. Let him die. I will be back with a season 10 (gosh, that makes me feel old) post at some point. Until then it’s been fun watching and snarking about (a third of) the season with all of you! ;P
**I will be back to typo check this later, so apologies if there are any major ones in here!