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If Ed Sheeran had a song about cereal…


… I’m pretty sure that it would go like this:
Ed Sheeran – So Surreal (Cereal)

Woke up one day
It was raining
Water on the window pane
Slowly driving me insane
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)

(Hook)
Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

(Chorus)
This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

It was a Monday
Didn’t hear what you say
You looked sad
And I felt bad
Still I pushed you away
Cause every damn day
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)


Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

Bridge [needlessly backed by a gospel choir]

Rice Krispies
Oh yeah, when we had a ball
Cheerios
For when we wished we had it all
Cornflakes
That night we danced in the hall
Honey Nut
Oh, girl you really made me fall
Coco pops
Oh, yeah you had me up against the wall
Cereal (oh na na na na naii)
Girl you had me standing tall

(Hook)

(Chorus) x 3


If you’re wondering why I penned this song (lmao), the answer is that I don’t get Ed Sheeran. He went from being a WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) to an overexposed and overrated WGWG. I actually liked his first album. Lego House. Give Me Love. A Team etc. Everything else that’s come after it – nope.
Shape Of You still makes me want to take a frying pan to the head.

It’s not unusual for someone to sell out the way he did, and whatever, get money.

I’d just like him to get money without irritating me with his bland, unexciting lyrics.

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book recommendations…


Speaking of Nancy Drew, I read one of the books the other day.  It was TERRIBLE. I know that Carolyn Keene is probably fifty different people with different levels of questionable writing ability, but it was awful. Whose idea was it to retool the series?

The Nancy Drew Files, or the Nancy Drew Case Files, is a detective fiction series started in 1986 and released by Simon & Schuster, New York. It is a spin-off of the original series of novels featuring Nancy Drew, with a greater emphasis on adventure, malice and romance.

Lol, I wrote a little snarky thing on it after I finished it. I was supposed to review the first five books but that didn’t happen. Hasn’t happened. Yet. Never underestimate the depths of my boredom. 

Here it is:

The Nancy Drew Files

1. Secrets Can Kill (June 1986)

Plot: Nancy poses as a student and goes undercover to investigate a series of thefts at Bedford High.

Snarkified plot: Someone is stealing files and items at a high school in FuckedUpShitAlwaysHappens Heights and the police don’t care. Let’s hire 18 year old Nancy Drew! This time her car is red and not blue because this series is MODERN! 

After some top notch sleuthing (so sole guy being rude to Nancy) we discover that said guy was blackmailing the other students. He dies, no one cares and the case is solved!! 

But wait! 

He also happened to be blackmailing the super hot student that Nancy makes our with for no real reason. Oh, a hot guy! Oh, she might leave her not quite boyfriend, Ned, for hot guy! Oh, but wait, she’s just undercover as a high school student! It would never last. And OH NO, he might be a murderer! Oh, wait. He’s not. He’s just a Russian spy. 

CASE SOLVED!

Turns out that she was just confused and that she loves Ned after all…

Mhmm…

Until the next hot guy she meets while undercover. 

Verdict: LOL.

So yeah, for 2018, I’m going to need some intelligent book recommendations. 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need To Happen


1. iVain

Join us as we follow six individuals who are in love with themselves! Including this preppy millennial who’s planning to propose to herself. 

Preppy millennial: 

I just decided one that that I’d finally met the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. They were right in front of me all along. That person was me. Is me. Yay! I’m funny smart, talented and an independent women. I like all of my own oictures on Instagram. I take over fifty selfies a day. I LOVE ME AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! I DO!

2. CrazYCLISTS 

Join us as we talk to reckless cyclists who continue to endanger themselves and others! Who do they do it? 

Random cyclist: 

It’s not my fault that people are too slow and that cars are too fast! I’m a proud member of the Lycra club! SUCK IT! 

PRODUCER’S NOTE: This show was renamed Crazy Lists because no one gives a fuck about crazy cyclists. 

3. Fantelevision Island

For those of you that can’t stand to be away from your television screens. Forget, binge watching. You now have the chance to be IN your favourite shows. Forever.

Random fan:

“They told me that I’ve never be able to marry Dean Winchester, kiss Sam Winchester or boink Castiel! Thanks to Fantelevision Island, I was able to do all three! Over and over again. And again. Apparently the same shit repeats itself on Supernatural. Who knew? 
Somebody save me please?”

4. Gut Instinct

Join us as we follow six people who DIDN’T follow their gut instinct. 

Including Jenna from Ohio who grudgingly accepted a parcel for her neighbour and was surprised to find out that inside the box was a fire breathing dragon! 

Jenna from Ohio:

“He burned his way out of the box and then destroyed my house. I still have singed hair to this day. My left eyebrow will probably never recover.”


5. The Opinionator

Tired of having people disagree with you all the time? Don’t worry, this show gives you the opportunity to choose one lucky person to sit under The Opinionator! This is a top of the range machine that uses shock therapy, aggressive Japanese pop music and more to sway people’s opinions to your liking. It will turn to your chosen person into the Yes-man that you so desperately need!

Say goodbye to political arguments at Christmas and apply to be on The Opinionator today! Terms and conditions apply. We will also not be paying for any resulting medical costs or provide legal representation when you’re sued for every penny you’ve got. 

Random stupid person: 

I used to have the same arguments with my boyfriend every night until I signed up for the show. Now he agrees with everything I said! It’s awesome. So awesome that when I jokingly said that we should break up he agreed! Wait. Is there any way to reverse this procedure? 

L.O.V.E.


Dark times lie ahead so I’ve gone back. Thanks to the internet, you can play old shows and try and convince yourself that it’s still 2005, back when shit was normal. Well. By normal I mean less crazy because we’ve been on a downward spiral for some time now. The noughties were an interesting time. Reality TV really took off.

There was Newlyweds, wherein Jessica Simpson wondered if she was eating chicken because the tuna can said chicken of the sea on it. And even if you felt sorry for Nick Lachey, he instantly undid that by being a bit of a douche. I recently watched the first season and a some of the second season and it’s awful but amazing at the same time. There was too much stupid in that relationship.

Not to be outdone by her sister, Ashlee Simpson broke through and got her own television show. Her pop career took off and prospered (lol) until her disastrous SNL appearance and a massive influx of boos after her Orange Bowl performance. Neither of which were probably entirely her fault, but the fact that she was a blatant manufactured product meant that people were all too willing to hate her.

I am still confused by the whole fake punk thing she was going for. Black hair, grungy clothes etc. How hardcore. Her music was garbage, and I say this as someone who used to rock to Avril Lavigne. Ashlee Simpson was like a third rate Avril that you’d give money to in order to get her to stop performing.

Anyway, MADtv took her SNL appearance and really ran with it. Some of the skits are hilarious. I almost feel bad for her because they’re brutal.

This is the original video for L.O.V.E (which is sort of catchy and awful at the same time).

And this is the madTV skit:

They also spoofed her show and her SNL performance. I feel bad for laughing but they’re hilarious.

Join me tomorrow for my social commentary on every single episode of That’s So Raven.

(Don’t worry, I’m kidding. I haven’t reached that level of misery just yet.)

Image credit: here

the threat is real, but the hysteria is fake


I’ve grown tired of Trump and writing about it was so utterly depressing that I’ve stopped. However, considering that he managed to drag the UK into his bullshit, I shall comment.

Donald Trump has shared a series of Islamophobic tweets from far-right extremist group Britain First, sparking condemnation for spreading its “deplorable” ideology to a global audience.

The first video, originally shared by deputy leader Jayda Fransen’s account, claimed to show “Muslim migrants beating up a Dutch boy on crutches”.

A second re-post was captioned “Muslim destroys statue of Virgin Mary”, while a third read “Islamist mob pushes teenage boy off roof and beats him to death”. [link]

Britain First are a bunch of crazy, whackos, however, that doesn’t mean that they don’t have their admirers. I’m sure you’ll find some wayward Christians who agree with them but will never say so out loud. That doesn’t legitimise Britain First in any way. The President of the United States retweeting them might. Getting a cosign from David Duke also isn’t a good thing.

At this point, Trump is making the rest of the world root for North Korea. He can’t get a tax bill together, the federal government might shut down next month, North Korea are trying to blow up the country yet he had time to retweet some anti-Muslim bullshit.

Naturally, his useless minions are out in force to defend him.

“Whether it’s a real video, the threat is real,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “His goal is to promote strong border security and strong national security.”

Whether it’s a real video? That’s like saying a bank robber didn’t commit a crime because there were only counterfeit notes in the vault. Girl, bye. Go and parrot your lies and subterfuge elsewhere.

I’m not talking about the nature of the video,” she said. “…The threat is real, what the President is talking about – the need for national security and military spending – those are very real things, there’s nothing fake about that.”

Yeah…. swap out Muslims for Trump and those words ring true. The threat is already in the country. In the Oval office with his tiny fingers tapping out his next tweet.

Meanwhile, Theresa May had this to say:

The Prime Minister earlier said the billionaire was “wrong” to have retweeted messages by Britain First’s deputy leader that featured misleading, Islamophobic videos.

Her spokesman added: “British people overwhelmingly reject the prejudiced rhetoric of the far right which is the antithesis of the values that this country represents – decency, tolerance and respect.”

Weaaaaak. Not surprising, though.

In true buffoon fashion, Trump repsonded via Twitter. To the wrong account. And then deleted it.

He reposted it of course.

I wish that we could delete him.

I can’t stand TV crossovers


I have nothing to post here (well, beyond a bunch of incomplete movie reviews) so here’s an old post and a random Chris Hemsworth GIF. 


Look, I get it. We have one show here. There’s another over there and LET’S PRETEND THAT THEY’RE IN SAME UNIVERSE.

They’re already in the same universe.

It’s called make believe.

I first encountered crossovers with Chicago Fire and Chicago P.D. Initially, I’d watch Fire first and then PD, but after a while, I had to start watching one episode of one show and then an episode of the other show. And then they added two new shows plus SVU crossovers and I bounced. I don’t have time for mental gymnastics over a TV show. Plus, this doesn’t work internationally anyway – the shows often air on different networks.

So, what are we supposed to do? Sit there and be like, ‘well, son, I think the TV ate half of the episode!’

I know that US networks don’t care beyond their own ratings but it’s annoying and too much work. Why is watching TV now some kind of puzzle wherein I have to figure out what the order the crossover episodes are in and I have to Google extensively just to understand what I’m watching. And also what if I hate the show being crossed over (SVU and soapy television? Not things that typically go together).

I need this current trend to die. Soon. Please.

Bad Moviethon #14 – Red Dawn


in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Red DawnIMDB

When North Korean troops invade U.S. soil and take over the city of Spokane, Wash., a recently returned Iraq War veteran (Chris Hemsworth) and a group of teens (Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson) flee to the woods and form a band of freedom fighters. Dubbing themselves the Wolverines, the youths launch guerrilla attacks against the invaders — but how long they can sustain the fight in the face of the enemy’s superior numbers and firepower remains in question. (more…)

Thor: Ragnarök (2017)


First things first, while I ended up really enjoying the movie, the opening scene had me like…WTF. I guess they were trying to ease us into the new Thor, but having watched the first two recently, it was really weird. I guess Team Thor was supposed to help with that… welp.

Secondly, I’m surprised that the critics are all over this movie. Yes, it’s very funny and enjoyable but there are some issues with it. Major ones that I’d expect a critic to point out. I was on IMDB looking at reviews and it’s a sea of 10/10. Initially, I gave it a 9/10 but I’ve since downgraded it to a 8/10 and by the time I’m done it might be even lower, lol. I’m getting a The Dark Knight Rises feel about this. That movie was so long that I thought it was amazing until I got home and I was just thinking…”…Wait a minute….”

Anyway Spoilers from this point forward!

(more…)

snarkview: Lie To Me


 

lie-to-me2

The world’s leading deception researcher, Dr. Cal Lightman, studies facial expression, body language and tone of voice to determine when a person is lying and why, which helps law enforcement and government agencies uncover the truth. But his skills also make it easier for him to deceive others.

s-v

You know, my parameter for bad shows is usually ‘is it better or worse than the crap that the Supernatural team have been putting out since season 6?. It’s not difficult to be better than Supernatural. It really isn’t. A reality show based on Vanilla Ice living with Eskimos for six months would be better than Supernatural.

That being said, Lie To Me now has the distinct honour of being even worse than Supernatural. Sort of. Season 1 is great. I have no complaints about season 1. The science was a bit… well, they basically used screengrabs to convey microexpressions which seems iffy to me. There’s a fifty percent chance between it being a genuine microexpression and a well timed screenshot. Someone should let shippers know that, though. Anyway, season 1 reminded me of my second favourite show ever (yeah, despite it’s flaws, Supernatural is still my favourite show purely because it got so bad that I vowed never to get heavily invested in another show. So it still occupies that spot), The Mentalist. It was a typical procedural.

Just not typical enough apparently.

Shawn Ryan took over for the second season and everything went downhill. I guess he wanted to put The Shield in Lie To Me because the main character goes form nerdy scientist to rude Englishman. So he went from speaking like a reasonable person to call everyone a wanker and yelling ‘oi!’ every five minutes. He went from being a consultant to barging into people’s houses, getting into people’s faces. Being waterboarded and tortured by freaking Jason Dohring and coming out unscathed. It was quite the transformation.

Apparently Tim Roth didn’t like the science aspect of the show, so they just abandoned it. It was just Lightman determining who was lying and who wasn’t. And I could deal with that. Except, the acting became really bizarre. I was convinced that Tim Roth was either sick or had a drinking problem but apparently that’s the characterisation.

He flops about, jerks around erratically, pulls faces and can’t sit still. I can’t believe that no one told him how stupid it looked. It killed the show for me. I can sit through silly storylines (like some guy marrying a new woman every six months after cutting deals with the ex-husbands), but not a character being so weird and uncomfortable for no good reason. He even becomes slightly sexist and inappropriate around any female character on-screen except for his teenage daughter, Emily.

That’s another thing. In the first season, he was at least civil to the other main characters. By season 3, he’s just nasty. I couldn’t make sense of it. Was it had writing or just bad acting? They all seem annoyed with each other. Like they all got on the same bus during rush hour and they were on it until the last stop. Pure misery.


Verdict: 8/10 for the first season, 5/10 for the second season (just because I like that episode with all of The Shield characters) and 0/10 for the third season.

Ghostbusters (2016)


ghostbusters1920jpg-4856da_1280w

First of all, I have to admit that when I saw the trailer, I laughed my head off at the Chris Hemsworth part. I will also admit that for all of the shit that this movie got, I was of the mind that they probably should have just created a completely different franchise. Or even come up with a all-female spoof. For the most part, though, I didn’t really care. I can’t really understand why a silly movie about ghosts offended so many people before it was released (oh, wait…)

That being said, I was fully expecting this movie to be awful, but it was only partially awful. The writing is probably what lets the movie down. It’s bad. So, so, so bad. That being said, the two people I liked the most were Leslie Jones and Chris Hemsworth. Both played stereotypical characters – sassy, black woman and airhead, but it made me laugh…? I can’t complain about the token casting because let’s face it, it was the only way we were going to get a sister in the movie. At least she was there. It’s a movie about ghosts, I don’t need to be represented by any of the characters, so I guess that was nice of them. There was also the token Asian character whose only role was buying soup so, I think that was probably worse.

The plot of the movie was basically – a bunch of women team up to fight ghosts unleashed by some crazy guy who hates people. I didn’t really follow it very closely. I just looked up whenever I heard Chris Hemsworth speaking. That being said, I started paying attention when he got more screen time and the movie was fine. It was silly, fluffy and the jokes were hit and miss but it’s a Ghostbusters movie. Did anyone expect more?

Anyway, this movie is worth it just for the police dance scene and end credits. And Chris Hemsworth.

I can’t believe that they cut the dancing out of the released version. Whoever they left in the editing room messed up. Dancing always saves the day. Mostly.

 Verdict: 7/10. Someone needs to cut a Chris Hemsworth scenes-only version and I’ll give it a 10/10. Just saying.