Bad Moviethon – #40 – Dragonball: Evolution (2009)

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Dragonball: Evolution 2009 15%
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Goku sets out on a race against time in order to fulfil his grandfather’s dying wish. He must collect a set of seven magical orbs before the vengeful King Piccolo can misuse them.

Apparently, this is #40 and I’ve picked the movie the internet loves to hate!

I guess the point is to find the Dragon Balls so that Goku can stop the bad guy from destroying the world. I don’t remember enough about Dragon Ball Z to hate this movie as much as people seem to.

I thought it was fun! Perfect background noise. It was cheesy and a little over the top, but enough to keep me entertained.

I did wonder about Justin Chatwin as Goku…they couldn’t find any decent Asian actors? Or, I’m guessing they felt like they needed a white male lead to get the asses in the seats. Who knows. Either way, I agree that he was miscast. He was giving me Freddie Prinze Jr teen heartthrob wannabe vibes when he probably should have been doing something else. In the beginning, he beats up a bunch of bullies, but he was kind of a jerk too? Are we supposed to root for him?

The special effects…well, they leave a lot to be desired, particularly the fight scenes. All of the flipping and cartwheels always look cooler when animated. In the film, it’s obvious they have them wired up.

There were some scenes that didn’t make much sense. At one point, our core group of characters are run off the road by a thief who set up a trap – a hole in the ground. They spend so long in the hole that it’s nighttime when one of them leaps out of it, easy as pie. Was there a reason why he waited to free himself? We’ll never know.

We also get some teen romance thrown in there and it was nice. I suppose that’s what the criticism is – in order to cram everything into the film, nothing really happens. It’s very by the numbers with a lot of exposition.

That being said, I kind of want to watch the Dragon Ball Z show now (if only I could get into anime!). I doubt that was the creator’s intention, but hey, you win some, and you lose some.

5/10

Bad Moviethon – #39 – You Lucky Dog (1998)

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You Lucky Dog 1998 N/A
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When dog psychic Jack Morgan treats the inappropriately named pooch Lucky for depression, he has no idea that his treatment will land him in the doghouse. Lucky’s owner dies and leaves all his money to Lucky on the condition that Jack lives with him. Jack’s delighted, but the owner’s family is furious and determined to fight for what they see as their money. Can Jack thwart the evil relations, despite Lucky’s canine capers?

I was reading some of the older Bad Moviethon posts and I couldn’t remember the last outrightly bad movie I watched. So, I went and found one. And what a mess this movie is. A MESS.

You know it’s bad when you’re half an hour in and one of the characters says:

It’s nothing personal, but I think you might be possessed by the devil.

Apparently, this film had a $4 million budget. I can only assume that most of it went on the real therapy required by all involved in this travesty.

The movie begins with newspaper clippings of a teenage dog psychic. We cut to said psychic all grown up and in his dog therapist mode. He’s sleeping in his office while dog owners wait in the waiting room. UNTIL. He meets a dog called Lucky and blammo – his dog psychic connection is back. Lucky’s owner seems to find that endearing instead of creepy as fuck and he has enough time to amend his will – he leaves $65 million to Lucky – on the condition that the dog psychic lives with him. I feel like the premise would be fun and hijinkys enough without the psychic connection, but what do I know? I’m just a humble viewer.

And James Avery is in this. I had to give it a chance.

Anyway, the rich dead guy dies and his family are ENRAGED when they read the will. They start plotting to kill Lucky, because, why not? It’s the villainous thing to do.

Dog psychic movies into the mansion and gets overcited! LIKE REALLY OVEREXCITED! Almost like…he’s a dog. Or, you know, psychically connected to one. There’s a scene where the maids come in while he’s communicating with the dog who wants to go outside. There’s some back and forth and I’ll give Lucky credit, he deserves an Oscar. Unfortunately, Lucky really wants to dig up a bone he buried and somehow Dog Psychic is now…manifesting Lucky? He literally gets on his hands and knees and starts using his face to dig through the ground to find said bone.

I was finding the movie funny so I made the decision to just congratulate myself on making it through thirty minutes and called it a day. I watch bad movies so I can feel irrational annoyance and anger, not laugh at a dog making funny faces. I am going to pretend that Lucky went on to live his best life and that someone gave Dog Psychic a lobotomy,

Bad Moviethon – #38 – Unhinged (2020)

in which I review of a movie deserves its woeful IMDB rating.

[Originally my criteria was a film was considered not good if it had a rating below 50% and I’ll stick to that.]

ETA: I watched this in 2020…or 2021? I just didn’t post it. Luckily for you, I’m trying to blog more!

ETA 2: I wrote the previous ETA on 6th April and I STILL didn’t post it. Third time is the charm.


Unhinged

2020

After a confrontation with an unstable man at an intersection, a woman becomes the target of his rage.


I found the concept of this movie interesting, particular the social commentary it comes with. We open with Russell Crowe arguing with an unseen woman and leaving a house. The house then blows up. So, we know he’s a little loco already. Cool. Next we’re with the Mom (I don’t know her name, and I don’t think it’s important). Mom is going through a divorce. She lives with her brother and his girlfriend, and her young son.

They’re running late for school. Her son is quite sassy about it too, which irked me. Like, she knows she’s late, kid. Chill. Anyway, they get stuck in traffic. Son asks to use her phone and drops a nice bit of foreshadowing.

“No pass code? That’s dangerous!”

Is it, though? We will find out!

Fast forward to a green light and Mom honks aggressively when Russell Crowe doesn’t move. He then drives alongside them and motions for Son to roll down the window. Son obliges. Apparently, no pass code is dangerous. Rolling down the car window for angry man is fine.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon – #38 – Unhinged (2020)”

Bad Moviethon #37 – He’s All That

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He’s All That [2021] 30%
[An influencer who specializes in makeovers bets that she can transform an unpopular classmate into a prom king].

I am back! The world has gone all sorts of crazy in my absence, but I’m not going to talk about that.

I just want to talk about shitty movies right now. Although, I haven’t watched a lot of movies lately. Nothing has appealed to me and I’ve mostly been watching TV sporadically.

Life is exhausting, yo.

Anyway, onto He’s All That.

I’m low-key mad they couldn’t get Freddie Prinze Jr to cameo in this. He was the quintessential Nineties heartthrob!

I remember reading the initial reviews about He’s All That and dismissing it. Mostly because a gender bended version seemed unnecessary, as did a remake in general. Most of the criticism seemed to be aimed at the main lead. I’m not on TikTok and I hear she’s very popular on there so I’m assuming I was fortunate enough not to be familiar with her.

Her acting was nothing to write home about… but was it supposed to be? The movie is about an influencer. Their whole schtick is acting really enthusiastic about shit they’ve been paid to promote. Nobody said the acting has to be good.

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The plot is a cut and paste from the original. After being humiliated, Popular Girl makes a bet with her friend that she can find a loser and turn him into a prom king. If she loses the bet…I can’t remember what was supposed to happen. I didn’t really care to be honest.

The movie is nice background noise. Our loser is played by Tanner Buchanan, and his before is pretty hilarious. Bad hair extensions. A hat. Five o’clock shadow.

He barely puts up a fight when it comes to making him over. That would be my only criticism. If the most popular girl in school is suddenly acknowledging my presence, I’m not going to hop on stage and bail her out when she gets stage fright during karaoke. Nor would I attend a stupid costume themed party that requires me to shave and cut all my hair off.

Wasn’t the point that the bet was supposed to be difficult? Popular girl coasts through the movie until they somehow fall for each other. The loser eventually finds out he’s a bet, he gets mad and then there’s an extended dance sequence because hey, why not? It’s just a Netflix movie everyone will forget about in two hours. Oh and there was one in the original (which was kind of corny then too).

By the time they got together, I wasn’t really paying much attention. I also don’t remember the characters names and I’m too lazy to look them up.

Overall, the plot is tenuous at best. It felt like satire that ended up being what it was satirising. We’re given the message that we don’t need to feel pressured to be someone we’re not, especially on social media…but…Popular Girl takes us an an extended social media adventure at the end of the movie.

There was also a scene that had me scratching my head. Loser tells Popular Girl that she doesn’t need all of the make-up – which, fine. However, he starts removing it from her face and I was so taken aback I had to pause my nice game on my phone. I guess it was supposed to be sweet and pro-you don’t need makeup because beauty is within but yeah. There are procedures to be followed, Loser! You don’t just start wiping off makeup in the middle of your studio (Loser was a photographer with a sad backstory).

This is a terrible recap, but all in all I kind of liked He’s All That. Matthew Lillard was a delight and I support him. It was nice to Rachael Leigh Cook as well.

Rating: 5/10

Batman Returns is NOT a good movie

Not too long ago, I watched “Batman” (1989) in full for the first time and I LOVED IT!

It took me a while to get around to the sequel, but I regularly tell people Batman Returns is my favourite Batman movie. Liking it all over again was just a formality, right? How can I not enjoy a movie I saw before I was old enough to understand it?

In my mind, I truly believed I knew what the movie was about, but I’ll be honest I still don’t know what it’s about.

Okay, now THIS I loved!

I sat down to watch it (for the first time in over fifteen years) and it is a hot mess. It’s not even a Batman movie, he just so happens to be there. The most bizarre thing is that it’s completely child inappropriate, but that didn’t register to me as a child. I was just like, YAY BATMAN! EW PENGUIN! YAY CATWOMAN! YAY ALFRED! WAH SOUNDTRACK!

I didn’t remember most of it. There are iconic scenes I did remember (Christopher Walken and Michelle Pfeiffer + window, duh), but that’s to be expected. The entire second hour was a mystery to me. And not a good one. I’ll be honest, it’s a terrible movie. Absolutely terrible. I was staring at my screen wide-eyed wondering how this movie is still considered one of the better Batman movies. The dude is barely in the movie.

Although, I get the sense that was the point. It was a character study of the villains… and it just so happened to have Batman in the background. The problem is that… none of the characters are appealing. Even Bruce Wayne is reduced to simpering mess, ripping off his Batman mask (symbolism? The final act is telling us that actually this was never a Batman movie, this was just the mask this messed up character chose to wear) to tell Selina Kyle that they’re both messed up (see!).

I remember thinking that scene was romantic. He was unmasking himself for her! Now? LOL. Their entire relationship was weird.

Penguin… I absolutely remember Penguin being brought up by penguins from back in the day, but…as an adult… well, it just doesn’t fly. I don’t remember him running for Mayor and being exposed when Bruce Wayne plays a recording of him monologuing about his bad notions. I do not remember his giant duck car (which can ride up stairs!). Or him teaming up with Catwoman to take down Batman.

I vaguely remember Batman being framed. At the time of writing and having seen this movie three days ago, I don’t remember what he was framed for. Something to do with the Batmobile mowing down people? I think they hacked into it and while Batman was inside, they controlled the car.

Everybody knows Batman is supposed to have contingency plans – but maybe not this Batman?

Anyway, this is basically an alternate universe take on Batman. At this point, if you want a true Batman story, you have to do the rest of the movies post-Burton or the animated series. Even Batman Begins (which I love and watched after this, and while it has its flaws, it never tries to be more than what it is).

Keaton is still my favourite Batman, though. Out of all the ones I saw growing up, he’s the one I remember. The one who made me like the character. His suit is cool. His gadgets are cool. His Bruce Wayne is a hot mess, but there’s enough cool to balance things out.

In a weird way, I still consider this to be my favourite Batman movie too. It’s a movie about nothing, but it got me into Batman. I can’t abandon it now! I’m not sure why the general consensus is that this is a good movie, though. Nostalgia? If it was so good, why didn’t Tim Burton do another movie? I’m just saying.

Although, we went from Burton to Joel Schumacher. I don’t think there was any upgrade there, but the Schumacher movies were fun to laugh at the very least. Burton’s were kooky and adventurous, if not an indication that he was uninterested in the source material. Nolan took a darker approach but retained the spirit of Batman. Snyder…I am on record as saying that Keaton is better than Batfleck. I think Zach Snyder’s universe strips away why people like heroes so much in the first place.

We have “The Batman” coming soon featuring Robert Pattinson. It will be dark, gloomy and the fans will love it until they don’t. Just my two cents.

Anyway, this was a lesson in how perception can change when you grow older. And how some things just aren’t timeless. Smallville, to name a superhero adaptation, has that kind of timeless feel to it because we’re seeing the characters over a long period of time – making them seem real and with clear-cut motivations.

Batman Returns fails on that basic level.

There is no story here. We get a back story for Penguin, but it doesn’t help us understand why he wants to kill Batman.

In the end, we’re left with a broken Batman that we never really explore. The better title for this movie would have been Batman Exists (Barely).

Someone came to the same conclusion before I did – most of us haven’t seen the movie for so long we don’t know how bad it is. It’s kind of funny in a way.

This entry from the notes they made says it all:

After Penguin receives a note from Batman stating that his plot was foiled, the movie jumps the shark as Penguin gives a motivating speech to an auditorium full of penguins. Because penguins fucking understand English. Penguin has all of his penguin-troops armed with missiles, and instructs them to go above ground to kill all the children of Gotham. Meanwhile Batman is traveling in his Bat Boat underground in search of Penguin. Trust me, I really am trying to appreciate this movie.

Penguin literally has henchmen penguins in this movie.

Rating: 5/10. I wasn’t quite sure what I was watching, but I made it until the end. I also like Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman a lot, so… it gets extra points for that.

Has anyone seen Batman Returns recently? What did you think of it?

I also want to watch Casper for the first time since the early 2000s but now I’m scared, LOL.

Desperados (2020)

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[Desparados] [2020] [15%]
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[A panicked woman rushes to Mexico — with her reluctant friends in tow — to try to delete a ranting email she sent to her new boyfriend.].

I forgot to roast this movie back when I watched it.

It was a lesson in watching a movie for one person. One that I seem to need constant reminders for (looking at you, I Give It A Year! I still love Simon Baker, though). In this case, I’d just seen Upload and decided I wanted to watch everything Robbie Amell was in.

I made it far as Desperados and realised I’m not that desperados to watch anything else he’s in that’s not Upload. Sorry, Robbie!

It’s by far one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and how I made it to the end, I’ll never know. Not only is it not funny, it makes light of paedophilia for the sake of jokes that don’t land (and even if they did, it wasn’t on the planet and Mars probably rejected them too).

The premise is so stupid that I don’t know how the movie was made at all. I’m pretty sure they use Gmail in the film and it’s had an ‘undo’ function for at least ten years now.

I mean, really?

Somehow it has a 5.1 rating on IMDB.

My rating is 0/10. I watched it during lockdown and it was still a waste of time.

The Lookout (2007)

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The Lookout 2007 87%
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Chris, an athlete has a freak accident and loses his capacity to remember things for long. Things go from bad to worse as he realizes he is being framed into doing a bank robbery.

When I decided I was going to have a Joseph Gordon-Levitt marathon this was the movie that came to mind first. It’s probably the film that made me a fan. JGL has an interesting filmography, not going to lie. The fact that I’ve seen a lot of it is a testament to my fannish ways (and the fact Premium Rush is on. All. The. Time). I’d say Inception is my favorite movie of his, with…Snowden currently being the worst. I decided to watch it and after a full of week of insomnia…it sent me to sleep!

Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt! 

Anyway, unnecessary rambling aside, let’s get into the movie. 

I’m surprised it has such a high rating! However, it is a good movie. Basically, Chris Pratt (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a hockey player who gets into a car accident one day. Two of his friends are killed, his girlfriend loses her leg and he’s left with impaired memory function. Continue reading “The Lookout (2007)”

Bad Moviethon #33 – Playing For Keeps

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Playing For Keeps 2012 4%
[TOO OFFENDED BY MOVIE TO ADD A PIC]
A former sports star starts coaching his son’s soccer team as a way to get his life together. His attempts are met with challenges from the attractive soccer moms who pursue him at every turn.

Review from RT:

Smarmy. Dopey. Sloppy. Lazy. Creepy. Tone-deaf. Predictable. Embarrassing. Lousy.

This is without a doubt, one of the WORST movies I have ever seen. It is up there with Playing It Cool. I might just avoid all movies that begin with ‘playing’ from on.

The best way I can summarize it, is Gerard Butler plays a deadbeat dad/washed up soccer player. He wants to become a sports broadcaster. He continuously disappoints his son. UNTIIIIIIIIIIIL, one day he helps his son’s soccer team out and all the parents want him to be their coach. He agrees.

For some reason, Dennis Quaid becomes BFF with him.

All the soccer moms want him to kick a ball into their goalposts (if you catch my drift…).

He sleeps with a couple of the soccer moms, because why not? Oh, and one of them has connections to ESPN. Thus begins a bizarre chain of events in which he continuously disappoints his son, tries to win his ex-wife back (…even though she’s getting married to someone else). He bails Dennis Quaid out of jail. Disappoints his son some more before he FINALLY vows to be a good father and then….

He gets a job and he’s like BYE LOSERS!

…and then he has a change of heart and everyone lives happily ever after. I mean, he’s slept with half of the soccer moms on his son’s team, and he’s back with his ex-wife, but why would that be awkward?

Anyway. The cast of this movie is confusing. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler – say no more. However, Uma Thurman? Catherine Zeta-Jones? Dennis Quaid, even, because even he is too good for this.

My head still hurts from watching this nonsense. I think I rage quit in the last five minutes, because I don’t remember anything past the point where I wrote BYE LOSERS! Thank God for Wikipedia.


Overall Rating:

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0.5/5

are you lost, baby girl?

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…in which I examine if movies deserve their rotten tomatoes score.

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365 Days 2020 0%
Massimo is a member of the Sicilian Mafia family and Laura is a sales director. She does not expect that on a trip to Sicily trying to save her relationship, Massimo will kidnap her and give her 365 days to fall in love with him.

I don’t think this movie even warrants a recap or review, yet here I am. To be honest, it was TERRIBLE.

A huge, hot ass mess. Continue reading “are you lost, baby girl?”

Bad Moviethon #31- Sleepless

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…in which I examine if movies deserve their rotten tomatoes score.

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Sleepless 2017 25%
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Entrepreneur Stanley kidnaps policeman Vincent’s son after he and his partner, Sean Cass, steal a cocaine shipment from him. Vincent must return the package and rescue his son before time runs out.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #31- Sleepless”