Batman Returns is NOT a good movie

Not too long ago, I watched “Batman” (1989) in full for the first time and I LOVED IT!

It took me a while to get around to the sequel, but I regularly tell people Batman Returns is my favourite Batman movie. Liking it all over again was just a formality, right? How can I not enjoy a movie I saw before I was old enough to understand it?

In my mind, I truly believed I knew what the movie was about, but I’ll be honest I still don’t know what it’s about.

Okay, now THIS I loved!

I sat down to watch it (for the first time in over fifteen years) and it is a hot mess. It’s not even a Batman movie, he just so happens to be there. The most bizarre thing is that it’s completely child inappropriate, but that didn’t register to me as a child. I was just like, YAY BATMAN! EW PENGUIN! YAY CATWOMAN! YAY ALFRED! WAH SOUNDTRACK!

I didn’t remember most of it. There are iconic scenes I did remember (Christopher Walken and Michelle Pfeiffer + window, duh), but that’s to be expected. The entire second hour was a mystery to me. And not a good one. I’ll be honest, it’s a terrible movie. Absolutely terrible. I was staring at my screen wide-eyed wondering how this movie is still considered one of the better Batman movies. The dude is barely in the movie.

Although, I get the sense that was the point. It was a character study of the villains… and it just so happened to have Batman in the background. The problem is that… none of the characters are appealing. Even Bruce Wayne is reduced to simpering mess, ripping off his Batman mask (symbolism? The final act is telling us that actually this was never a Batman movie, this was just the mask this messed up character chose to wear) to tell Selina Kyle that they’re both messed up (see!).

I remember thinking that scene was romantic. He was unmasking himself for her! Now? LOL. Their entire relationship was weird.

Penguin… I absolutely remember Penguin being brought up by penguins from back in the day, but…as an adult… well, it just doesn’t fly. I don’t remember him running for Mayor and being exposed when Bruce Wayne plays a recording of him monologuing about his bad notions. I do not remember his giant duck car (which can ride up stairs!). Or him teaming up with Catwoman to take down Batman.

I vaguely remember Batman being framed. At the time of writing and having seen this movie three days ago, I don’t remember what he was framed for. Something to do with the Batmobile mowing down people? I think they hacked into it and while Batman was inside, they controlled the car.

Everybody knows Batman is supposed to have contingency plans – but maybe not this Batman?

Anyway, this is basically an alternate universe take on Batman. At this point, if you want a true Batman story, you have to do the rest of the movies post-Burton or the animated series. Even Batman Begins (which I love and watched after this, and while it has its flaws, it never tries to be more than what it is).

Keaton is still my favourite Batman, though. Out of all the ones I saw growing up, he’s the one I remember. The one who made me like the character. His suit is cool. His gadgets are cool. His Bruce Wayne is a hot mess, but there’s enough cool to balance things out.

In a weird way, I still consider this to be my favourite Batman movie too. It’s a movie about nothing, but it got me into Batman. I can’t abandon it now! I’m not sure why the general consensus is that this is a good movie, though. Nostalgia? If it was so good, why didn’t Tim Burton do another movie? I’m just saying.

Although, we went from Burton to Joel Schumacher. I don’t think there was any upgrade there, but the Schumacher movies were fun to laugh at the very least. Burton’s were kooky and adventurous, if not an indication that he was uninterested in the source material. Nolan took a darker approach but retained the spirit of Batman. Snyder…I am on record as saying that Keaton is better than Batfleck. I think Zach Snyder’s universe strips away why people like heroes so much in the first place.

We have “The Batman” coming soon featuring Robert Pattinson. It will be dark, gloomy and the fans will love it until they don’t. Just my two cents.

Anyway, this was a lesson in how perception can change when you grow older. And how some things just aren’t timeless. Smallville, to name a superhero adaptation, has that kind of timeless feel to it because we’re seeing the characters over a long period of time – making them seem real and with clear-cut motivations.

Batman Returns fails on that basic level.

There is no story here. We get a back story for Penguin, but it doesn’t help us understand why he wants to kill Batman.

In the end, we’re left with a broken Batman that we never really explore. The better title for this movie would have been Batman Exists (Barely).

Someone came to the same conclusion before I did – most of us haven’t seen the movie for so long we don’t know how bad it is. It’s kind of funny in a way.

This entry from the notes they made says it all:

After Penguin receives a note from Batman stating that his plot was foiled, the movie jumps the shark as Penguin gives a motivating speech to an auditorium full of penguins. Because penguins fucking understand English. Penguin has all of his penguin-troops armed with missiles, and instructs them to go above ground to kill all the children of Gotham. Meanwhile Batman is traveling in his Bat Boat underground in search of Penguin. Trust me, I really am trying to appreciate this movie.

Penguin literally has henchmen penguins in this movie.

Rating: 5/10. I wasn’t quite sure what I was watching, but I made it until the end. I also like Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman a lot, so… it gets extra points for that.

Has anyone seen Batman Returns recently? What did you think of it?

I also want to watch Casper for the first time since the early 2000s but now I’m scared, LOL.

Desperados (2020)

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[Desparados] [2020] [15%]
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[A panicked woman rushes to Mexico — with her reluctant friends in tow — to try to delete a ranting email she sent to her new boyfriend.].

I forgot to roast this movie back when I watched it.

It was a lesson in watching a movie for one person. One that I seem to need constant reminders for (looking at you, I Give It A Year! I still love Simon Baker, though). In this case, I’d just seen Upload and decided I wanted to watch everything Robbie Amell was in.

I made it far as Desperados and realised I’m not that desperados to watch anything else he’s in that’s not Upload. Sorry, Robbie!

It’s by far one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and how I made it to the end, I’ll never know. Not only is it not funny, it makes light of paedophilia for the sake of jokes that don’t land (and even if they did, it wasn’t on the planet and Mars probably rejected them too).

The premise is so stupid that I don’t know how the movie was made at all. I’m pretty sure they use Gmail in the film and it’s had an ‘undo’ function for at least ten years now.

I mean, really?

Somehow it has a 5.1 rating on IMDB.

My rating is 0/10. I watched it during lockdown and it was still a waste of time.

The Lookout (2007)

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YEAR
The Lookout 2007 87%
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Chris, an athlete has a freak accident and loses his capacity to remember things for long. Things go from bad to worse as he realizes he is being framed into doing a bank robbery.

When I decided I was going to have a Joseph Gordon-Levitt marathon this was the movie that came to mind first. It’s probably the film that made me a fan. JGL has an interesting filmography, not going to lie. The fact that I’ve seen a lot of it is a testament to my fannish ways (and the fact Premium Rush is on. All. The. Time). I’d say Inception is my favorite movie of his, with…Snowden currently being the worst. I decided to watch it and after a full of week of insomnia…it sent me to sleep!

Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt! 

Anyway, unnecessary rambling aside, let’s get into the movie. 

I’m surprised it has such a high rating! However, it is a good movie. Basically, Chris Pratt (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a hockey player who gets into a car accident one day. Two of his friends are killed, his girlfriend loses her leg and he’s left with impaired memory function. Continue reading “The Lookout (2007)”

Bad Moviethon #33 – Playing For Keeps

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YEAR
Playing For Keeps 2012 4%
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A former sports star starts coaching his son’s soccer team as a way to get his life together. His attempts are met with challenges from the attractive soccer moms who pursue him at every turn.

Review from RT:

Smarmy. Dopey. Sloppy. Lazy. Creepy. Tone-deaf. Predictable. Embarrassing. Lousy.

This is without a doubt, one of the WORST movies I have ever seen. It is up there with Playing It Cool. I might just avoid all movies that begin with ‘playing’ from on.

The best way I can summarize it, is Gerard Butler plays a deadbeat dad/washed up soccer player. He wants to become a sports broadcaster. He continuously disappoints his son. UNTIIIIIIIIIIIL, one day he helps his son’s soccer team out and all the parents want him to be their coach. He agrees.

For some reason, Dennis Quaid becomes BFF with him.

All the soccer moms want him to kick a ball into their goalposts (if you catch my drift…).

He sleeps with a couple of the soccer moms, because why not? Oh, and one of them has connections to ESPN. Thus begins a bizarre chain of events in which he continuously disappoints his son, tries to win his ex-wife back (…even though she’s getting married to someone else). He bails Dennis Quaid out of jail. Disappoints his son some more before he FINALLY vows to be a good father and then….

He gets a job and he’s like BYE LOSERS!

…and then he has a change of heart and everyone lives happily ever after. I mean, he’s slept with half of the soccer moms on his son’s team, and he’s back with his ex-wife, but why would that be awkward?

Anyway. The cast of this movie is confusing. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler – say no more. However, Uma Thurman? Catherine Zeta-Jones? Dennis Quaid, even, because even he is too good for this.

My head still hurts from watching this nonsense. I think I rage quit in the last five minutes, because I don’t remember anything past the point where I wrote BYE LOSERS! Thank God for Wikipedia.


Overall Rating:

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0.5/5

are you lost, baby girl?

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…in which I examine if movies deserve their rotten tomatoes score.

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365 Days 2020 0%
Massimo is a member of the Sicilian Mafia family and Laura is a sales director. She does not expect that on a trip to Sicily trying to save her relationship, Massimo will kidnap her and give her 365 days to fall in love with him.

I don’t think this movie even warrants a recap or review, yet here I am. To be honest, it was TERRIBLE.

A huge, hot ass mess. Continue reading “are you lost, baby girl?”

Bad Moviethon #31- Sleepless

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…in which I examine if movies deserve their rotten tomatoes score.

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Sleepless 2017 25%
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Entrepreneur Stanley kidnaps policeman Vincent’s son after he and his partner, Sean Cass, steal a cocaine shipment from him. Vincent must return the package and rescue his son before time runs out.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #31- Sleepless”

Bad Moviethon #30 – Fantasy Island

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YEAR
Fantasy Island 2020 8%
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The enigmatic Mr Roarke makes the secret dreams of his lucky guests come true at a luxurious but remote tropical resort, but when the fantasies turn into nightmares, the guests have to solve the island’s mystery in order to escape with their lives.

Spoilers ahead.

Fantasy Island was originally a TV show and I’m surprised it’s taken so long to turn it into a movie.

It has 2009-era slasher film written all over it.

Instead we got this slick, glossy version and…it did not disappoint. I was thoroughly entertained by how silly Fantasy Island was.

I’ve decided to be a better reviewer and actually look up the characters’ names, so hopefully my recap will make some sense.

The movie opens with a women being captured in the woods (or something similar). We cut to the beautiful island (lots of overheard shots, etc). Five people turn up at the mysteriously, beautiful island where they will be granted their fantasies. They’re told by Mr Roarke (played by Michael Pena who was an…inspired casting choice) that they have to see the fantasies through no matter what happens. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #30 – Fantasy Island”

Bad Moviethon #29 – The Intruder

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YEAR
The Intruder 2019 29%
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Scott and Annie Russell couldn’t be happier after buying their dream home from a mysterious and lonely widower named Charlie in Napa Valley, California. Their newfound paradise soon turns into a living nightmare when Charlie – still strangely attached to the house – begins to show up and interfere in their daily lives. When his erratic behaviour turns to obsession, the young couple soon find themselves caught up in a violent confrontation that threatens to destroy everything they hold dear.

This movie was…something. First of all, I always have time for Michael Ealy and I feel like Dennis Quaid has been in so many movies where he’s good, so him as the villain was interesting.

To recap, a young, wealthy couple are house hunting and for some reason, the wife (her name escapes me, so…everyone will be referred to by their real names (now that I’ve added the synopsis I might as well use the proper names. sigggh) except for Tommy Egan from Power (as far as I’m concerned, this is what he got up to California), Annie, wants to move to a gorgeous house in the middle of nowhere. Apparently, she’s a blogger (but I don’t recall hearing this in the movie) so she can work from anywhere. Meanwhile, it’s a two hour commute for Chris, yet he buys it because…anything for her. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #29 – The Intruder”

Bad Moviethon #28 – Lockout (2012)

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YEAR
Lockout 2012 37%
Emilie Warnock (Maggie Grace), the daughter of the American president, leads a humanitarian mission to MS One, an outer-space prison in which the 500 most dangerous criminals from Earth are kept in a state of artificial sleep. Just as Emilie arrives, the now-awakened prisoners stage a violent rebellion, and she and the MS One crew are taken hostage. Emilie’s only chance for salvation lies with Snow (Guy Pearce), a wrongly convicted agent who has been promised his freedom if he saves her.
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I absolutely loved this movie and I don’t usually love anything.

The fact that I came across this movie on a whim is probably why it has a 37% because I would have been all over it if I’d heard about it before.

A vigilante agent who has to defeat everyone and save the day?

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That’s not even the best part of the movie. Guy Pearce playing a wisecracking badass is everything I didn’t know I needed.

Even Maggie Grace playing someone’s kidnapped daughter again wasn’t a problem. Instead of being the whimpering damsel in distress, she turned out to be a badass in her own right and I was here for all of it. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #28 – Lockout (2012)”

Bad Moviethon #27 – Paycheck

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YEAR
Paycheck 2003 29%
Michael Jennings (Ben Affleck) is a top-notch reverse engineer. Corporations pay him to crack the secrets of their competitors’ products. When the job is done, he has his memory of it erased. Rethrick (Aaron Eckhart), head of a company called Allcom, hires Jennings to reverse-engineer a secret government device. After the job, Jennings wakes from the memory erasure to find himself being chased by various agencies. He soon realizes that the fate of the entire world may be in his hands.

I don’t know why this movie has such a bad score? I say that as someone who doesn’t care for Ben Affleck.

It’s basically what the synopsis says.

I don’t even have much to say about it. It’s a standard action movie. The ~big reveal~ is that Jennings machine can predict the future – and it predicts that the world is going to fall apart while Rethrick becomes super rich (which I’d have scoffed at until I saw that major corps are still making bank during the COVID-19 pandemic). Rethrick wants to take out Jennings – so he doesn’t spill the beans I guess? And all Jennings has is a parcel that he mailed to himself full of random items.

It turns out that he uses them all to get past various obstacles – that he knew about because he saw the future.

In the end, he wins 90 million dollars and lives happily ever after with Uma Thurman.

It’s not the greatest movie, but I’d give it a 5/10.