Movies

Bad Moviethon #19 – Killers 


#19

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 10%

Synopsis: Three years after a fateful trip to the French Riviera, Jen (Katherine Heigl) enjoys the good life in suburbia with her handsome husband, Spencer (Ashton Kutcher). That comes crashing down, however, when gunfire rings out the morning after his 30th birthday. It turns out that Spencer has not been honest with Jen about his job; he’s a deadly spy. Now she must learn to dodge bullets while keeping up an appearance of normalcy.

This movie has to be one of the dumbest things that I have ever seen. Even 10% is a generous score. It was that movie where you just sit back and wonder how many people wasted their time on it. How does a script this awful even get greenlit? Ashton Kutcher’s looks were not enough to save this movie. It’s only saving grace (for me) was seeing Casey Wilson pop up. 

To recap quickly, Katherine Heigl is unlucky in love and on vacation with her parents. Ashton Kutcher is a deadly spy who’s bored with his job. They see each other and inexplicably fall in love. 

Fast forward three years and they’re married blah blah blah happy happy. Until Ashton gets some kind of paranoia around the time of his 30th birthday. It’s short-lived until it isn’t. Suddenly, they’re under attack because everyone they’ve been surrounded by for the past three years are highly trained assassins. These people just played a long con for three years just so they could kill someone and collect a handsome reward. Oh and conveniently, no other assassins try to kill Ashton (I guess the hit was put out via the local newspaper….) apart from the ones in his life already. 

Halfway through the sheer nonsense that ensues, Katherine Heigl finds out that she’s pregnant. The news that her husband is a spy and there’s a bun in the oven is too much and she leaves him. Only to save his life minutes later because getting out of this movie is not that easy. 

Anyway, to sum a long story short, I think Katherine Heigl’s father ends up being a spy himself. Apparently he was the one who put out the hit on Ashton. Yeah, cause that makes sense. Hire a bunch of wild assassins to kill your son in law (and potentially your daughter) instead of just … doing it yourself. 

Bonus LOL: Usher appears as a K-Mart manager. I almost fell on my damn seat. So random. So unexpected. So hilarious. 

Verdict: 1/10. So, yeah. Rotten Tomatoes is bang on the money with this one. This movie is pure garbage. 

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Bad Moviethon #18 – Just Married


(Potentially) BAD MOVIE MARATHON 

#18

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Just Married | 2003

Synopsis: Tom (Ashton Kutcher) and Sarah (Brittany Murphy) are two lovebirds from different worlds. He’s an average guy with a fondness for beer who works a low-level job, while she’s an aspiring writer from a wealthy and cultured family. The disapproval of family and friends doesn’t prevent the pair from marrying, but their disastrous honeymoon in Italy, with an unwelcome appearance by Sarah’s ex-boyfriend, Peter (Christian Kane), nearly succeeds in tearing them apart.

“Rotten” score: 20%

First of all, Brittany Murphy is so damn likable that this movie deserves waaaaay more than 20%. Secondly, Christian Kane looked downright delectable in this movie. I felt bad for wondering what happened to him. Thirdly, I watched this as part of my Ashton Kutcher marathon (which is ongoing. SOMEBODY HELP ME) which I feel a need to confess to. 

This movie wasn’t bad at all. Boy meets rich girl. Rich family hates boy. Rich family has rich guy who they would rather rich girl date. Boy kills rich girl’s dog. They get married. They go on honeymoon in France Italy. Boy cuts power in their rich hotel by being a Stoopid American abroad. They’re thrown out of said hotel. Rich father pays for another hotel. Boy wants to watch football the whole time, cause you know, vacations are basically like real life except you don’t have to work. Rich girl wants to talk about the sights, history and whatever else even though boy has never expressed interest in it. Rich boy swoops in, takes her to some other dude’s house and almost succeeds in smooching her. Boy finds out and almost cheats with ditzy girl. 

Rich girl and boy fall out and break up. Aw. Diddums. 

They fly back to Good Ol’ America. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it’s over until it isn’t and WOO they love each other YAY! 

It was your standard romantic comedy and it aged surprisingly well. The plot was fairly stupid and predictable, but not offensively so. And it was far better than the next movie on my list (hint: also stars Ashton Kutcher), so I’ll take it. I’d even maybe but probably never watch it again. 

It gets a snark approval rating of: 5/10. Aren’t I generous?

Bad Moviethon #15-17


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON 

#15-17

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Let’s Be Cops | 2014

Plot: Two struggling pals dress as police officers for a costume party and become neighborhood sensations. But when these newly-minted “heroes” get tangled in a real life web of mobsters and dirty detectives, they must put their fake badges on the line.

(more…)

Bad Moviethon #14 – Red Dawn


in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Red DawnIMDB

When North Korean troops invade U.S. soil and take over the city of Spokane, Wash., a recently returned Iraq War veteran (Chris Hemsworth) and a group of teens (Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson) flee to the woods and form a band of freedom fighters. Dubbing themselves the Wolverines, the youths launch guerrilla attacks against the invaders — but how long they can sustain the fight in the face of the enemy’s superior numbers and firepower remains in question. (more…)

Thor: Ragnarök (2017)


First things first, while I ended up really enjoying the movie, the opening scene had me like…WTF. I guess they were trying to ease us into the new Thor, but having watched the first two recently, it was really weird. I guess Team Thor was supposed to help with that… welp.

Secondly, I’m surprised that the critics are all over this movie. Yes, it’s very funny and enjoyable but there are some issues with it. Major ones that I’d expect a critic to point out. I was on IMDB looking at reviews and it’s a sea of 10/10. Initially, I gave it a 9/10 but I’ve since downgraded it to a 8/10 and by the time I’m done it might be even lower, lol. I’m getting a The Dark Knight Rises feel about this. That movie was so long that I thought it was amazing until I got home and I was just thinking…”…Wait a minute….”

Anyway Spoilers from this point forward!

(more…)

Ghostbusters (2016)


ghostbusters1920jpg-4856da_1280w

First of all, I have to admit that when I saw the trailer, I laughed my head off at the Chris Hemsworth part. I will also admit that for all of the shit that this movie got, I was of the mind that they probably should have just created a completely different franchise. Or even come up with a all-female spoof. For the most part, though, I didn’t really care. I can’t really understand why a silly movie about ghosts offended so many people before it was released (oh, wait…)

That being said, I was fully expecting this movie to be awful, but it was only partially awful. The writing is probably what lets the movie down. It’s bad. So, so, so bad. That being said, the two people I liked the most were Leslie Jones and Chris Hemsworth. Both played stereotypical characters – sassy, black woman and airhead, but it made me laugh…? I can’t complain about the token casting because let’s face it, it was the only way we were going to get a sister in the movie. At least she was there. It’s a movie about ghosts, I don’t need to be represented by any of the characters, so I guess that was nice of them. There was also the token Asian character whose only role was buying soup so, I think that was probably worse.

The plot of the movie was basically – a bunch of women team up to fight ghosts unleashed by some crazy guy who hates people. I didn’t really follow it very closely. I just looked up whenever I heard Chris Hemsworth speaking. That being said, I started paying attention when he got more screen time and the movie was fine. It was silly, fluffy and the jokes were hit and miss but it’s a Ghostbusters movie. Did anyone expect more?

Anyway, this movie is worth it just for the police dance scene and end credits. And Chris Hemsworth.

I can’t believe that they cut the dancing out of the released version. Whoever they left in the editing room messed up. Dancing always saves the day. Mostly.

 Verdict: 7/10. Someone needs to cut a Chris Hemsworth scenes-only version and I’ll give it a 10/10. Just saying.

Bad Moviethon #13: Batman and Robin (1997)


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Batman & Robin |imdb|1997

Plot: Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City

Rotten Tomatoes score : 10%

Line of the movie:

Let’s kick some ice

 I love me some (relatively) old school Batman, but this has to be the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen. Well. Maybe apart from Daredevil.

Anyway, first problem is George Clooney. He has more charisma in those Nespresso commercials than he does in this movie. In fact I’d rather watch a film about a coffee wielding superhero than Batman and Robin. It’s lameness has not been exaggerated, it’s just a poor movie.

First of all, I know that Val Kilmer was originally supposed to be in the movie, but they couldn’t find anyone better than Clooney? Secondly, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze. Mr Freeze is supposed to be desperately trying to save his wife, not happily spray painting himself blue and being the cheesiest villain of all time. Ironically, John Glover plays Dr Jason Woodrue in the movie but he would have been a better fit as Mr Freeze.

Speaking of him, he creates two more ridiculously over the top villains in Bane and Poison Ivy. The motives are generally the typical ones – kill everyone just for the sake of it. But like, only after Poison Ivy spends excessive amounts of time trying to persuade people to kiss her.

Somehow, she works her magic on Batman and Robin, who have been having an internal conflict throughout the movie. By that I mean that Robin is the whiniest, most egregious man child in this movie. He whines when Batman saves him, whines when Poison Ivy goes after them and tries to seduce them. He just whines, whines and whines. It’s too much. Chris O’Donnell was wronged by whoever wrote this script.

They manage to shoehorn in Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. I think she was Alfred’s niece who despite studying in England (and Alfred being English) had an American accent. She also has a thing for bikes and somehow teams up with Batman and Robin at the end.

I really wasn’t paying attention. This is just a poor movie. However, the cheesiness and Batman factor make it somewhat watchable. 

Verdict: 3/10.

American Assassin (2017)


American Assassin | 2017

I saw this last week Thursday and thought I’d write about it. I also just accidentally posted a YouTube video. Ignore it!

Spoilers ahead!

There seems to be mixed feelings about this movie but… I’m not sure why. No, it’s not going to set the world on fire (well…) and maybe a movie about terrorism isn’t what we need (but were any of the others needed?) but it’s called American Assassin. People get shot. Shit blows up. There are car chases. That’s all you can expect.

Anyway, the plot was fairly standard:

Mitch Rapp and his girlfriend are on vacation in Basque, Spain, when a radical Islamist jihadist cell lands on the beach and begins to attack the civilians with assault rifles. Amid the carnage, Rapp frantically attempts to find his girlfriend, but is unable to prevent her death at the hands of the terrorists.

Eighteen months later, Rapp, now consumed by his desire for vengeance, frequents an internet message board where the terrorist responsible for his girlfriend’s murder quizzes Rapp on aspects of Islam and jihad. Having secured an invitation to meet him face to face, Rapp prepares to take his vengeance on the man responsible for his girlfriend’s death.

When Cold War veteran Stan Hurley takes CIA black ops recruit Mitch Rapp under his wing, they receive an assignment to investigate a wave of random attacks on both military and civilian targets. After discovering a pattern of violence, Hurley and Rapp join forces with a lethal Turkish agent to stop a mysterious operative who wants to start a global war.

Thoughts:

The opening scene.

What. The. Fuck.

I’m torn between it being absolutely recklessly realistic and it being well, realistic. It definitely hooks you into the movie.

Even if I was slightly uncomfortable by that and what came after, it was interesting to see the terrorist cell stuff. If the entire movie had been about that, then, I’d complain but it was over fairly quickly. We moved onto the usual someone wants to build a nuclear weapon schtick blah, blah, blah and actually the movie sort of fell flat after that point.

The middle. Basically the CIA turn up and Rapp is trained into a super spy assassin kind of thing. His test scores are off the charts etc. Anyway, once we move off that we’re introduced to Ghost, a former protégé of Michael Keaton (who leads some kind of special ops team or something). Ghost has just obtained some plutonium for some Iranians.

Sigh.

Anyway, the action moves to Italy and we discover that Ghost is really angry at the US and Michael Keaton because he was left behind on the battlefield. Something about him not following orders.

After a gratuitous scene in which fingernails are extracted and an ear is bitten, it transpires that he has built a nuclear bomb in order to take out some kind of warship in the ocean. Ooookay.

Anyway, the build up to that scene was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen. Rapp somehow finds a car underground, drives it through a tunnel in order to break open a gate. And the the car gets stuck and causes a huge fireball…. WHILE THE PLUTONIUM IS METRES AWAY. That entire building should have been toast. Anyway, somehow, they manage to switch between a housing project to the ocean in about two minutes.

It was very confusing.

Rapp and Ghost have this really odd fight on a boat. I could see that they repeat he same sequence a few times. The fight was also oddly anticlimactic. However, it was what came next that was really baffling. Rapp throws the nuclear bomb into the water and it goes off. Everyone should have been toast. Instead there was a huge water vortex that lasted for a minute and a helicopter was blown about until it wasn’t. Everyone lived! Except for Ghost.

Okay then.

The ending shows Rapp going after another Iranian who was also involved in the plutonium deal. I wonder why the director included that. Or the writer. It’s not like the sequel (if any) is going to pick up there. Minor issue, though.

The main issue with the movie is the lack of character progression. We know Rapp is messed up, but we don’t see it. It’s all tell, tell, tell with little showing. I personally would have made the whole terrorist cell thing a very minor backdrop and focused on seeing his life after his girlfriend died and in general after the attack (he was shot several times but made a full recovery!). Watching him punch someone excessively wasn’t enough. With regards to the villain – Ghost is just plonked in the movie and boom, this is the bad guy. It was, well, bad. The Turkish agent also had some stuff going on but by that point, the plot was so convoluted that when she killed herself I forgot that she even existed.

Anyway, Michael Keaton is always a delight. I don’t care that all he did was yell a lot. IT’S BATMAN! Sanaa Lathan did her best with the limited script. Dylan O’Brien is definitely one to watch. I thought he was really good, probably the best part of the movie even though he was limited by the unadventurous script. And I’m glad to see he’s doing okay after his accident on the Maze Runner set. Taylor Kitsch… well, at least he’s still getting work?

Verdict: 6/10. Entertaining but predictable. However, it wasn’t overly long or worse than your typical action movie. There are some really nice scenes in terms of the cinematography and fight/action scenes. Also – Dylan O’Brien isn’t hard on the peepers. 😝

I’m also going to check out the books as well now, so there’s that. Yes.

Thank you for reading!

Bad Moviethon #11 – Airplane vs. Volcano (2014)


Movie: Airplane vs. Volcano
Year: 2014

Plot: When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing. But when the relentless onslaught of lava and ash causes fear and distrust amongst those onboard, it isn’t just the volcanoes that are life-threatening. Everyone must learn to work together if they are to survive their epic flight of fire.

IMDB rating: 2.6/10

Moment at which I knew there was no coming back from this cinematic travesty:

You are a big bitch

Yes, that is an actual line from the movie. The poster claims that it’s based on a true story but I can’t and won’t even comprehend that, because in a real scenario, the pilot wouldn’t set the plane to autopilot (over a volatile volcano no less) and not leave the override codes anywhere. At least I hope not.

Anyway, basically a volcano erupts just as a commercial plane is flying over. Somehow, the pilot and co-pilot end up indisposed because, you know, it’s more dramatic that way. Unfortunately the plane is stuck on autopilot but off duty pilot, Dean Cain, just happens to be on board to save the day. 

Imagine that, Superman vs. Volcano. I’d actually watch that. Twice. 

In a real scenario, we wouldn’t have Dean Cain ‘flying’ a plane that was permanently stuck in autopilot. He spends most of the movie in the cockpit steering the plane but… if the plane is on autopilot and the circuits are fried… that’s not possible? I mean, sure he could steer but I don’t know how effective it would be. Yet somehow he could move the plane… Just not enough to move it past the (world’s largest) volcano. 

Anyway, not to be outdone, there was also some weird, sketchy foreign guy on the plane that seemed content on letting them all know that they’re going to die. At one point he tries to kidnap Dean Cain mid-air before threatening to kill some guy with a broken glass bottle. He wanted to do all of that because Dean Cain, a marshal and the flight attendant lied about the pilot being dead. I have no idea why this dude was here. I guess the whole HUGE VOLCANO!! thing wasn’t enough plot, we had to have a random villain thrown in for shits and giggles. 

Oh, and also on the plane a volcano expert (not a coincidence) who got to say all of the science stuff for us. Yay. 

I guess he just forgot his protective gear

On the ground, we have an angry colonel who seems to be incompetent. He ignores Super Volcano Expert Robin Givens’ warnings and sort of stands around and yells a lot. In a real scenario, the first thing they would do is evacuate people and not wait for a huge gust of volcanic ash to fry a bunch of sunbathers first. But yeah, a bunch of people die before they realise that a volcano erupting is kind of a big deal. 

We also have some guy getting sucked into a ball of fire when he exits the plane to unclog an engine. Oh, and having the door open didn’t cause any problems at all DESPITE THE HUGE FIRE BALLS that the plane has barely been dodging up until that point. Okay. 

Anyway, somehow, the crazy foreign man manages to kill the marshal (this is after he vanishes for half an hour because they locked him in the toilet and no one needed to use it) and escape from the plane on a raft before getting blown up. Eventually everyone else on the plane is saved while Dean Cain sacrifices himself somehow in order to stop the volcano or whatever. I had no idea by the end, I was just being stubborn and determined to finish it. 

I think the worst thing about this movie is Dean Cain. I know that the bills have to get paid, but why? Why? The second worst thing is that it’s far too serious. There’s no wink nudge ha ha this movie is pretty silly, it’s acted like they think they’re in some Scorcese flick. That made it very dull and boring. 

Verdict: 0/10.