Bad Moviethon

Bad Moviethon #19 – Killers 


#19

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 10%

Synopsis: Three years after a fateful trip to the French Riviera, Jen (Katherine Heigl) enjoys the good life in suburbia with her handsome husband, Spencer (Ashton Kutcher). That comes crashing down, however, when gunfire rings out the morning after his 30th birthday. It turns out that Spencer has not been honest with Jen about his job; he’s a deadly spy. Now she must learn to dodge bullets while keeping up an appearance of normalcy.

This movie has to be one of the dumbest things that I have ever seen. Even 10% is a generous score. It was that movie where you just sit back and wonder how many people wasted their time on it. How does a script this awful even get greenlit? Ashton Kutcher’s looks were not enough to save this movie. It’s only saving grace (for me) was seeing Casey Wilson pop up. 

To recap quickly, Katherine Heigl is unlucky in love and on vacation with her parents. Ashton Kutcher is a deadly spy who’s bored with his job. They see each other and inexplicably fall in love. 

Fast forward three years and they’re married blah blah blah happy happy. Until Ashton gets some kind of paranoia around the time of his 30th birthday. It’s short-lived until it isn’t. Suddenly, they’re under attack because everyone they’ve been surrounded by for the past three years are highly trained assassins. These people just played a long con for three years just so they could kill someone and collect a handsome reward. Oh and conveniently, no other assassins try to kill Ashton (I guess the hit was put out via the local newspaper….) apart from the ones in his life already. 

Halfway through the sheer nonsense that ensues, Katherine Heigl finds out that she’s pregnant. The news that her husband is a spy and there’s a bun in the oven is too much and she leaves him. Only to save his life minutes later because getting out of this movie is not that easy. 

Anyway, to sum a long story short, I think Katherine Heigl’s father ends up being a spy himself. Apparently he was the one who put out the hit on Ashton. Yeah, cause that makes sense. Hire a bunch of wild assassins to kill your son in law (and potentially your daughter) instead of just … doing it yourself. 

Bonus LOL: Usher appears as a K-Mart manager. I almost fell on my damn seat. So random. So unexpected. So hilarious. 

Verdict: 1/10. So, yeah. Rotten Tomatoes is bang on the money with this one. This movie is pure garbage. 

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Bad Moviethon #18 – Just Married


(Potentially) BAD MOVIE MARATHON 

#18

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Just Married | 2003

Synopsis: Tom (Ashton Kutcher) and Sarah (Brittany Murphy) are two lovebirds from different worlds. He’s an average guy with a fondness for beer who works a low-level job, while she’s an aspiring writer from a wealthy and cultured family. The disapproval of family and friends doesn’t prevent the pair from marrying, but their disastrous honeymoon in Italy, with an unwelcome appearance by Sarah’s ex-boyfriend, Peter (Christian Kane), nearly succeeds in tearing them apart.

“Rotten” score: 20%

First of all, Brittany Murphy is so damn likable that this movie deserves waaaaay more than 20%. Secondly, Christian Kane looked downright delectable in this movie. I felt bad for wondering what happened to him. Thirdly, I watched this as part of my Ashton Kutcher marathon (which is ongoing. SOMEBODY HELP ME) which I feel a need to confess to. 

This movie wasn’t bad at all. Boy meets rich girl. Rich family hates boy. Rich family has rich guy who they would rather rich girl date. Boy kills rich girl’s dog. They get married. They go on honeymoon in France Italy. Boy cuts power in their rich hotel by being a Stoopid American abroad. They’re thrown out of said hotel. Rich father pays for another hotel. Boy wants to watch football the whole time, cause you know, vacations are basically like real life except you don’t have to work. Rich girl wants to talk about the sights, history and whatever else even though boy has never expressed interest in it. Rich boy swoops in, takes her to some other dude’s house and almost succeeds in smooching her. Boy finds out and almost cheats with ditzy girl. 

Rich girl and boy fall out and break up. Aw. Diddums. 

They fly back to Good Ol’ America. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it’s over until it isn’t and WOO they love each other YAY! 

It was your standard romantic comedy and it aged surprisingly well. The plot was fairly stupid and predictable, but not offensively so. And it was far better than the next movie on my list (hint: also stars Ashton Kutcher), so I’ll take it. I’d even maybe but probably never watch it again. 

It gets a snark approval rating of: 5/10. Aren’t I generous?

Bad Moviethon #15-17


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON 

#15-17

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Let’s Be Cops | 2014

Plot: Two struggling pals dress as police officers for a costume party and become neighborhood sensations. But when these newly-minted “heroes” get tangled in a real life web of mobsters and dirty detectives, they must put their fake badges on the line.

(more…)

Bad Moviethon #14 – Red Dawn


in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Red DawnIMDB

When North Korean troops invade U.S. soil and take over the city of Spokane, Wash., a recently returned Iraq War veteran (Chris Hemsworth) and a group of teens (Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson) flee to the woods and form a band of freedom fighters. Dubbing themselves the Wolverines, the youths launch guerrilla attacks against the invaders — but how long they can sustain the fight in the face of the enemy’s superior numbers and firepower remains in question. (more…)

Bad Moviethon #13: Batman and Robin (1997)


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Batman & Robin |imdb|1997

Plot: Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City

Rotten Tomatoes score : 10%

Line of the movie:

Let’s kick some ice

 I love me some (relatively) old school Batman, but this has to be the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen. Well. Maybe apart from Daredevil.

Anyway, first problem is George Clooney. He has more charisma in those Nespresso commercials than he does in this movie. In fact I’d rather watch a film about a coffee wielding superhero than Batman and Robin. It’s lameness has not been exaggerated, it’s just a poor movie.

First of all, I know that Val Kilmer was originally supposed to be in the movie, but they couldn’t find anyone better than Clooney? Secondly, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze. Mr Freeze is supposed to be desperately trying to save his wife, not happily spray painting himself blue and being the cheesiest villain of all time. Ironically, John Glover plays Dr Jason Woodrue in the movie but he would have been a better fit as Mr Freeze.

Speaking of him, he creates two more ridiculously over the top villains in Bane and Poison Ivy. The motives are generally the typical ones – kill everyone just for the sake of it. But like, only after Poison Ivy spends excessive amounts of time trying to persuade people to kiss her.

Somehow, she works her magic on Batman and Robin, who have been having an internal conflict throughout the movie. By that I mean that Robin is the whiniest, most egregious man child in this movie. He whines when Batman saves him, whines when Poison Ivy goes after them and tries to seduce them. He just whines, whines and whines. It’s too much. Chris O’Donnell was wronged by whoever wrote this script.

They manage to shoehorn in Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. I think she was Alfred’s niece who despite studying in England (and Alfred being English) had an American accent. She also has a thing for bikes and somehow teams up with Batman and Robin at the end.

I really wasn’t paying attention. This is just a poor movie. However, the cheesiness and Batman factor make it somewhat watchable. 

Verdict: 3/10.

Bad Moviethon #11 – Airplane vs. Volcano (2014)


Movie: Airplane vs. Volcano
Year: 2014

Plot: When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing. But when the relentless onslaught of lava and ash causes fear and distrust amongst those onboard, it isn’t just the volcanoes that are life-threatening. Everyone must learn to work together if they are to survive their epic flight of fire.

IMDB rating: 2.6/10

Moment at which I knew there was no coming back from this cinematic travesty:

You are a big bitch

Yes, that is an actual line from the movie. The poster claims that it’s based on a true story but I can’t and won’t even comprehend that, because in a real scenario, the pilot wouldn’t set the plane to autopilot (over a volatile volcano no less) and not leave the override codes anywhere. At least I hope not.

Anyway, basically a volcano erupts just as a commercial plane is flying over. Somehow, the pilot and co-pilot end up indisposed because, you know, it’s more dramatic that way. Unfortunately the plane is stuck on autopilot but off duty pilot, Dean Cain, just happens to be on board to save the day. 

Imagine that, Superman vs. Volcano. I’d actually watch that. Twice. 

In a real scenario, we wouldn’t have Dean Cain ‘flying’ a plane that was permanently stuck in autopilot. He spends most of the movie in the cockpit steering the plane but… if the plane is on autopilot and the circuits are fried… that’s not possible? I mean, sure he could steer but I don’t know how effective it would be. Yet somehow he could move the plane… Just not enough to move it past the (world’s largest) volcano. 

Anyway, not to be outdone, there was also some weird, sketchy foreign guy on the plane that seemed content on letting them all know that they’re going to die. At one point he tries to kidnap Dean Cain mid-air before threatening to kill some guy with a broken glass bottle. He wanted to do all of that because Dean Cain, a marshal and the flight attendant lied about the pilot being dead. I have no idea why this dude was here. I guess the whole HUGE VOLCANO!! thing wasn’t enough plot, we had to have a random villain thrown in for shits and giggles. 

Oh, and also on the plane a volcano expert (not a coincidence) who got to say all of the science stuff for us. Yay. 

I guess he just forgot his protective gear

On the ground, we have an angry colonel who seems to be incompetent. He ignores Super Volcano Expert Robin Givens’ warnings and sort of stands around and yells a lot. In a real scenario, the first thing they would do is evacuate people and not wait for a huge gust of volcanic ash to fry a bunch of sunbathers first. But yeah, a bunch of people die before they realise that a volcano erupting is kind of a big deal. 

We also have some guy getting sucked into a ball of fire when he exits the plane to unclog an engine. Oh, and having the door open didn’t cause any problems at all DESPITE THE HUGE FIRE BALLS that the plane has barely been dodging up until that point. Okay. 

Anyway, somehow, the crazy foreign man manages to kill the marshal (this is after he vanishes for half an hour because they locked him in the toilet and no one needed to use it) and escape from the plane on a raft before getting blown up. Eventually everyone else on the plane is saved while Dean Cain sacrifices himself somehow in order to stop the volcano or whatever. I had no idea by the end, I was just being stubborn and determined to finish it. 

I think the worst thing about this movie is Dean Cain. I know that the bills have to get paid, but why? Why? The second worst thing is that it’s far too serious. There’s no wink nudge ha ha this movie is pretty silly, it’s acted like they think they’re in some Scorcese flick. That made it very dull and boring. 

Verdict: 0/10. 

Bad Moviethon #10 – A Cinderella Story (2004)


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #10

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score.

A Cinderella Story

IMDB | 2004

Plot:

Sam (Hilary Duff), a teenager in California, is obliged to work as a janitor and dishwasher in the diner of her stepmother (Jennifer Coolidge). After a cell phone mix-up, Sam begins an anonymous text-messaging and e-mail relationship with a boy. They agree to meet at a school dance, but when Sam finds out that her secret pen pal is none other than Austin Ames (Chad Michael Murray), the cutest boy in school, she panics and looks for a way to make herself cooler.

Review Excerpts:

You can say of this movie, truly, that they took the most famous tale in the world and broke it.

Let me get quickly to the word that best describes this movie. It is horrible.

Haaaaarsh.

Technically, I refuse to call this a bad movie because it’s a classic, but it has a rating of 11% on Rotten Tomatoes.

On behalf of Chad Michael Murray’s astounding acting ability, I am offended. Heck, Hilary Duff doesn’t deserve that either.

Anyway, I loved this movie when I was a kid. I learnt how to make DVDs with this movie. Actually, I have a VCD with this movie on it. If you don’t know what a VCD is, you haven’t lived. This movie basically set me up for a life where I could use computer software without getting confused. I will cherish it forever. 

Plot wise, this movie is uh, well, I’ll give you a brief recap.

Recap

The plot of this movie is basically – Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff have been texting and Iming each other but they don’t know what they look like. In real life, he’s the star quarterback and popular guy and she works at the diner her Dad owned before he died, has an awful stepmother and two terrible stepsisters.

They agree to meet on Halloween at a dance. Sam is unable to go until the last last minute when she turns up as Cinderella, complete with a face mask that does little to disguise who she is.

Despite that Austin has no idea who she is. Once it hits midnight, she runs back to the diner and conveniently drops her cellphone.

In true creeper fashion, Austin puts up posters requesting that people call him if they know anything about Cinderella. Cue lots of girls trying to make out likd they’re Cinderella just to get with Austin.

Eventually, Sam’s sisters find out, tell Austin’s ex-girlfriend, and they group together to humiliate her and Austin in front of the entire school by reading their emails out loud and revealing that Sam is Cinderella. Shock horror, the star quarterback is secretly in love with diner girl!

By the way, we keep hearing about a drought throughout the movie….

Classic line

…so…fast forward to the end and Austin skips out on The Biggest Game Of His Life™ to stop Sam from leaving and the skies open and it rains like it’s never rained before.

They go to Princeton together and live happily ever after.

Woo!

I see three main reasons why it got an 11%

1. The script sounds like it was written by someone who had never stepped foot in a high school.

2. The acting leaves a lot to be desired. Hilary is on point (let’s face it, she’s always on point) and Chad Michael Murray is good looking enough for me to overlook any less than stellar performance (plus his brooding pensive look is also on point), but the rest of them kind of sucked.

3. They used a terrible cover of a Jesse McCartney song, unless that was him singing and there’s something wrong with my ears.

4. Teenage love ending the drought? Really? Seriously? Cringe alert.

5. Somehow Sam manages to work before school and after school and whenever her stepmother requires it and still be a straight A student. I’m not saying that’s impossible, but it’s a stretch.

6. The annoying best friend was annoying.

7. It’s a comedy, but it’s more of a laugh at the movie than laugh with the movie kinda deal.

8. Most of the movie doesn’t make any real sense. The premise is that Austin ends up looking for Sam, but she didn’t disguise her voice and her eyes were all that was covered. The next time he sees her, he should recognise her. If he had selective hearing, I’d get it, but he’s the star quarterback with perfect grades, perfect cheekbone structure and perfect eyesight. There’s no reason why he wouldn’t know it was her.

9. She dropped her cellphone. I get it, that’s the modern equivalent of leaving your shoe behind, but once again, all Austin had to do was call a number on the phone to figure out who his mystery girl was. Maybe Sam didn’t have any minutes, but she definitely has texting credit (and presumably texts from other people). It’s a bit like having a key for three doors. You have to try them all to figure out which door they key is for. That’s commonly known as common sense, but I guess that doesn’t translate well on-screen.

10. I love how I said three main reasons and then wrote nine. Anyway, the most visible teacher in this movie was some odd woman who has a crush on one of the students, is generally incompetent and serves no real purpose in the movie.

11. At the end of the movie, something ‘drops’ out of a book that Sam’s father gave her. His original will. This just conveniently happens after she snags herself a boyfriend. Apparently Chad Michael Murray is the key to finally being able to claim your inheritance, who knew? It seems odd that she’d have that book for years and never drop it, but that’s just me seeing things through my clumsy lense.

All of that being said, the movie is still entertaining and I feel like it aged well. It deserves way more than 11%! I’d give it 50 at least. I mean, the epic kiss at the close of the movie ENDED THE DROUGHT! You’ve got to give them props for that. True love conquers all. Even the weather.

Verdict: 5/10

Bad Moviethon #8-9: R.I.P.D. (2013)/Space Jam (1997)


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #8-9

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

R.I.P.D. | 2013 | IMDB

Veteran lawman Roy Pulsifer (Jeff Bridges) works for the R.I.P.D., a legendary police force charged with finding monstrous spirits who are disguised as ordinary people but are trying to avoid their final judgment by hiding out among the living. When Roy and his new partner, Nick Walker (Ryan Reynolds), uncover a plot that could end all life, they must discover a way to restore the cosmic balance or else watch the tunnel to the afterlife start sending angry souls back to the world of the living.

Rotten Tomatoes: 13%

Review excerpt: So generic a cut-and-paste job is the film’s every aesthetic cue, it’s surprising to even find a director’s name surface in the closing credits.

FINALLY. This was supposed to be #2!

Verdict: I had to quit after half an hour because whatever Jeff Bridges was doing gave me a headache and it was just boring. 

Also, why can’t Kevin Bacon ever play a good guy? The Following does not count.
Anyway, the writing was on the wall when the opening scene was some nonsense about an orange tree and Ryan Reynolds frolicking in bed with his girl. That’s nice and all but not really the best way to entice the viewer.

Next, we hear about how Ryan Reynolds can’t keep the gold that he and his partner (Kevin Bacon) found. So, not only have they not turned this gold in, they’re contemplating keeping it? And Ryan Reynolds sees no issue with telling said – and now potentially corrupt – partner that they have to turn the gold in. Not only that, he then goes back on the road with him and surprise surprise – his partner kills him.

From there the movie takes a drastic turn. Ryan Reynolds becomes an RIPD rookie, T-Bone from Prison Break shows up. From whatever the fuck Jeff Bridges was doing (is that how he sounds or was this accent put on for this movie? You know what, I don’t even want to know) to the fact that they appear as a busty blonde woman and an old Chinese man back on Earth – I quickly realised that this movie is deserving of it’s status as a bad movie.

I think I sat through more of the horrible Point Break remake which is saying something.

Moving on….

Yo, this movie is either the worst film ever or the best worst film ever but I enjoyed it.
Anyway, let’s get the formalities out of the way first.

Space Jam | 1997 | IMDB

Swackhammer (Danny DeVito), an evil alien theme park owner, needs a new attraction at Moron Mountain. When his gang, the Nerdlucks, heads to Earth to kidnap Bugs Bunny (Billy West) and the Looney Tunes, Bugs challenges them to a basketball game to determine their fate. The aliens agree, but they steal the powers of NBA basketball players, including Larry Bird (Larry Bird) and Charles Barkley (Charles Barkley) — so Bugs gets some help from superstar Michael Jordan (Michael Jordan).

Review excerptVisually, it’s a mess: the attempts to blend 2- and 3-D animation with live-action and computer-generated images produce scenes that are fuzzier than the storyline.

Rotten Tomatoes %: 37

~

This movie doesn’t make much sense from the offset. In fact, it’s a little slow to begin. We see a young Michael Jordan say that he wants to win championships and baseball. We see him flying and various clips of his career, we see his retirement announcement and the beginning of his baseball career and then suddenly…

We are transferred into the alien theme park, wherein, the boss wants the Looney Tunes to be his latest attraction. He sends these tiny aliens to capture the Looney Tunes. After LOLing at them, the tiny aliens show that they actually have some serious juice… Just not enough to go up against the Looney Tunes in a basketball match. So the aliens steal the talent of some top basketball players. And the Looney Tunes steal Michael Jordan.

There is lots of breaking the fourth wall in this. In one memorable scene, Daffy and Bugs gripe about how they don’t see any money from the Looney Tunes lunch boxes or merch, which means that they need to get better agents. LOL.

Oh and the acting… well….good thing that MJ decided that Hollywood wasn’t for him. His lines were delivered with about as much gusto as my first words of any given day before I’ve had coffee. Stiff and awkward. Everyone else is just as bad.

All in all this movie is like a bad acid trip, but the final basketball match is quite funny. My favourite part is when Bugs Bunny tricks the rest of the  Looney Tunes into taking ‘secret stuff’ to help them improve on court, but it’s only water.

It was funny because I didn’t realise it was water until a harried Michael Jordan was informing a clueless Daffy Duck. 😂 In my defence, I was half asleep… lol.

The Looney Tunes manage to win the game, but only with the help of  some HILARIOUSLY bad special effects and Bill Murray.
Verdict: 8/10

Yeah, you read that right. It should have a 50% RT score at least!

Bad Moviethon #7 – The Perfect Guy


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #7

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

The Perfect Guy | 2015 | IMDB

Plot:

With a fulfilling career and a loving relationship, lobbyist Leah Vaughn (Sanaa Lathan) seems to have it all. Things come crashing down when Dave, her long-term boyfriend, questions her future plans for marriage and a family. The resulting breakup leaves Leah heartbroken, until she meets the charming and handsome Carter Duncan (Michael Ealy). Soon, the budding romance turns dangerous as Carter reveals his volatile nature, forcing Leah to turn the tables on the man she thought was Mr. Right.

Rotten Tomatoes score: 19%

Review excerpt:

The unsure tone screams that this is a director embarrassed by the film he’s making.

First of all, Michael Ealy.

Secondly, Sanaa Lathan’s hair and wardrobe were on point.

The movie begins with Leah being all domestic with her boyfriend before she breaks up with him because he’s not ready to propose. Sometime soon, she bumps into some guy callee Carter at a coffee shop. Well. More like she turned around and he was grinning at her creepily. It was like he was paid by smile and crazy eyes because there was a lot of that in the opening half an hour. Although, Michael Ealy’s smile and crazy eyes would probably work on me too. Anyway, there’s so iced coffee related flirting stuff (I think that’s what it was supposed to be).

Anyway, after that, Carter saves her from some douche at a bar. They have dinner and things progress. They go dancing and they end up hooking up in the bathroom (recipe for disaster and also unsanitary) and they begin dating. Carter charms her parents, her friends, her cat. Everybody in nearby distance.

At one point I’m sure that someone dreamily says that he seems too good to be true. 

(more…)