Desperados (2020)

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YEAR
[Desparados] [2020] [15%]
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[A panicked woman rushes to Mexico — with her reluctant friends in tow — to try to delete a ranting email she sent to her new boyfriend.].

I forgot to roast this movie back when I watched it.

It was a lesson in watching a movie for one person. One that I seem to need constant reminders for (looking at you, I Give It A Year! I still love Simon Baker, though). In this case, I’d just seen Upload and decided I wanted to watch everything Robbie Amell was in.

I made it far as Desperados and realised I’m not that desperados to watch anything else he’s in that’s not Upload. Sorry, Robbie!

It’s by far one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and how I made it to the end, I’ll never know. Not only is it not funny, it makes light of paedophilia for the sake of jokes that don’t land (and even if they did, it wasn’t on the planet and Mars probably rejected them too).

The premise is so stupid that I don’t know how the movie was made at all. I’m pretty sure they use Gmail in the film and it’s had an ‘undo’ function for at least ten years now.

I mean, really?

Somehow it has a 5.1 rating on IMDB.

My rating is 0/10. I watched it during lockdown and it was still a waste of time.

Bad Moviethon #33 – Playing For Keeps

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YEAR
Playing For Keeps 2012 4%
[TOO OFFENDED BY MOVIE TO ADD A PIC]
A former sports star starts coaching his son’s soccer team as a way to get his life together. His attempts are met with challenges from the attractive soccer moms who pursue him at every turn.

Review from RT:

Smarmy. Dopey. Sloppy. Lazy. Creepy. Tone-deaf. Predictable. Embarrassing. Lousy.

This is without a doubt, one of the WORST movies I have ever seen. It is up there with Playing It Cool. I might just avoid all movies that begin with ‘playing’ from on.

The best way I can summarize it, is Gerard Butler plays a deadbeat dad/washed up soccer player. He wants to become a sports broadcaster. He continuously disappoints his son. UNTIIIIIIIIIIIL, one day he helps his son’s soccer team out and all the parents want him to be their coach. He agrees.

For some reason, Dennis Quaid becomes BFF with him.

All the soccer moms want him to kick a ball into their goalposts (if you catch my drift…).

He sleeps with a couple of the soccer moms, because why not? Oh, and one of them has connections to ESPN. Thus begins a bizarre chain of events in which he continuously disappoints his son, tries to win his ex-wife back (…even though she’s getting married to someone else). He bails Dennis Quaid out of jail. Disappoints his son some more before he FINALLY vows to be a good father and then….

He gets a job and he’s like BYE LOSERS!

…and then he has a change of heart and everyone lives happily ever after. I mean, he’s slept with half of the soccer moms on his son’s team, and he’s back with his ex-wife, but why would that be awkward?

Anyway. The cast of this movie is confusing. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler – say no more. However, Uma Thurman? Catherine Zeta-Jones? Dennis Quaid, even, because even he is too good for this.

My head still hurts from watching this nonsense. I think I rage quit in the last five minutes, because I don’t remember anything past the point where I wrote BYE LOSERS! Thank God for Wikipedia.


Overall Rating:

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0.5/5

are you lost, baby girl?

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…in which I examine if movies deserve their rotten tomatoes score.

YEAR
365 Days 2020 0%
Massimo is a member of the Sicilian Mafia family and Laura is a sales director. She does not expect that on a trip to Sicily trying to save her relationship, Massimo will kidnap her and give her 365 days to fall in love with him.

I don’t think this movie even warrants a recap or review, yet here I am. To be honest, it was TERRIBLE.

A huge, hot ass mess. Continue reading “are you lost, baby girl?”

Bad Moviethon #31- Sleepless

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…in which I examine if movies deserve their rotten tomatoes score.

YEAR
Sleepless 2017 25%
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Entrepreneur Stanley kidnaps policeman Vincent’s son after he and his partner, Sean Cass, steal a cocaine shipment from him. Vincent must return the package and rescue his son before time runs out.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #31- Sleepless”

Bad Moviethon #30 – Fantasy Island

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YEAR
Fantasy Island 2020 8%
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The enigmatic Mr Roarke makes the secret dreams of his lucky guests come true at a luxurious but remote tropical resort, but when the fantasies turn into nightmares, the guests have to solve the island’s mystery in order to escape with their lives.

Spoilers ahead.

Fantasy Island was originally a TV show and I’m surprised it’s taken so long to turn it into a movie.

It has 2009-era slasher film written all over it.

Instead we got this slick, glossy version and…it did not disappoint. I was thoroughly entertained by how silly Fantasy Island was.

I’ve decided to be a better reviewer and actually look up the characters’ names, so hopefully my recap will make some sense.

The movie opens with a women being captured in the woods (or something similar). We cut to the beautiful island (lots of overheard shots, etc). Five people turn up at the mysteriously, beautiful island where they will be granted their fantasies. They’re told by Mr Roarke (played by Michael Pena who was an…inspired casting choice) that they have to see the fantasies through no matter what happens. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #30 – Fantasy Island”

Bad Moviethon #29 – The Intruder

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YEAR
The Intruder 2019 29%
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Scott and Annie Russell couldn’t be happier after buying their dream home from a mysterious and lonely widower named Charlie in Napa Valley, California. Their newfound paradise soon turns into a living nightmare when Charlie – still strangely attached to the house – begins to show up and interfere in their daily lives. When his erratic behaviour turns to obsession, the young couple soon find themselves caught up in a violent confrontation that threatens to destroy everything they hold dear.

This movie was…something. First of all, I always have time for Michael Ealy and I feel like Dennis Quaid has been in so many movies where he’s good, so him as the villain was interesting.

To recap, a young, wealthy couple are house hunting and for some reason, the wife (her name escapes me, so…everyone will be referred to by their real names (now that I’ve added the synopsis I might as well use the proper names. sigggh) except for Tommy Egan from Power (as far as I’m concerned, this is what he got up to California), Annie, wants to move to a gorgeous house in the middle of nowhere. Apparently, she’s a blogger (but I don’t recall hearing this in the movie) so she can work from anywhere. Meanwhile, it’s a two hour commute for Chris, yet he buys it because…anything for her. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #29 – The Intruder”

Bad Moviethon #28 – Lockout (2012)

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YEAR
Lockout 2012 37%
Emilie Warnock (Maggie Grace), the daughter of the American president, leads a humanitarian mission to MS One, an outer-space prison in which the 500 most dangerous criminals from Earth are kept in a state of artificial sleep. Just as Emilie arrives, the now-awakened prisoners stage a violent rebellion, and she and the MS One crew are taken hostage. Emilie’s only chance for salvation lies with Snow (Guy Pearce), a wrongly convicted agent who has been promised his freedom if he saves her.
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I absolutely loved this movie and I don’t usually love anything.

The fact that I came across this movie on a whim is probably why it has a 37% because I would have been all over it if I’d heard about it before.

A vigilante agent who has to defeat everyone and save the day?

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That’s not even the best part of the movie. Guy Pearce playing a wisecracking badass is everything I didn’t know I needed.

Even Maggie Grace playing someone’s kidnapped daughter again wasn’t a problem. Instead of being the whimpering damsel in distress, she turned out to be a badass in her own right and I was here for all of it. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #28 – Lockout (2012)”

Bad Moviethon #23 – Baywatch (2017)

#23

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 18%

Lifeguard Mitch Buchannon and his team discover a drug racket involving businesswoman Victoria Leeds and decide to unearth the truth and bring the perpetrators to justice.

I was watching this movie when I had an interesting thought.

We’re basically paying all of these content creators to insult our intelligence.

‘Cause this was one of the dumbest movies I’ve seen in a long time. They called it a comedy, but it was a dumbedy. The beaches weren’t ready and they didn’t need to be for this travesty.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #23 – Baywatch (2017)”

Bad Moviethon #22 – Men In Black: International

#22

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 22%

Synopsis:

The Men in Black have expanded to cover the globe but so have the villains of the universe. To keep everyone safe, decorated Agent H and determined rookie M join forces — an unlikely pairing that just might work. When aliens that can take the form of any human arrive on Earth, H and M embark on a globe-trotting adventure to save the agency — and ultimately the world — from their mischievous plans.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #22 – Men In Black: International”

7 Days In Hell 

7 Days In Hell | 2015 | HBO

Tennis champions Aaron Williams (Andy Samberg) and Charles Poole (Kit Harington) have an epic tennis match that lasts for seven days.

So, I’m a fan of Andy Samberg. I’m a fan of over the top comedy. I’m a fan of mockumentaries. I’m a fan of tennis. I am just not a fan of this movie. Apparently, they shot it in three days and — well, I don’t think it would make a difference. 

Technically, this movie has a great Rotten Tomatoes score, but it was very weird to me and basically not funny. It started off okay. I thought the reverse Blindside scenario – Aaron Williams being the adopted brother of Serena and Venus – was hilarious. 

The part where Aaron kills a man and doesn’t forfeit his match? Hilarious. He then quits tennis and the movie just sort of loses its steam for me there. 

It was like what happens to my stories when I get bored and just have a character do something they wouldn’t do and double down on that. Like a devout nun deciding to join Floyd Mayweather’s Money team. 
Those stories say hidden from society. They lie buried on a hard drive that I never use. This movie went on and on, like an overextended SNL sketch. Perhaps that was the problem. The joke wore thin by the end of the movie. By the time they *SPOILER ALERT* kill each other, I wasn’t even invested anymore. 

It’s also kind of off putting just how much some of these comedies make light of sexual harassment. I’m not even the most Me Too-ish person, but a lot of things are just not aging well. Some of these jokes aren’t really funny. 

Oh and a weird chunk of the movie is in a CGI Swedish male prison (insert obvious joke here – the movie certainly did!) and yeah. I like weird shit, but this was just wacky and tacky at the same time. 

Watch it if you dare!