snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part one


This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. Part one and two. LOL.

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

Bounce

Season 1 is all about Ahsha joining the Devil Girls, pondering about cheating on her boyfriend with bad boy Derek Roman, and annoying the resident mean girl, Jelena. Jelena puts her through constant torment for no real reason other than she’s annoying. There are some other side plots, like, her (up until now unknown to her) father being the coach of the basketball team, her mom not being very happy about her joining the team. Oh, and she rigs the All Star Dancers vote just to get one over on Jelena.

Other season 1 gems include…You know what, it’s not important. All you need to know is that:

  • Jelena hates Ahsha,
  • Jelena gives Terrence drugs on the sly to get back at him for keeping secrets from her. The secret? A restaurant named after her. And a trade maybe, but whatever, what kind of crazy heffah drugs her man?? We need a doctor
  • Derek Roman (star player) does cocaine and stereotypical bad boy shit and is on the outs with the team captain Terrence Wall because of it.
  • There’s missing Devil Girl called Mia, who did some sly recordings for the team owner, Oscar, before running away after she was raped by Chase Vincent, a former player who now works in the upper hierarchy of the team.
  • I actually never realised that the opening scene of the show is of Mia running away. Lol, my bad.
  • Mia turns up dead after popping up long enough to confess all to Sloane  (Ahsha’s mom) and give Oscar his recording (WHY?!)
  • There’s something about a flash drive sewn into a uniform, but…How does that even work, lol. Why not give her a pendant of something? You know what.  Next point.
  • Pete is putting the moves on Raquel, a former Devil girl who has a deadbeat baby daddy. They bond over their worthless exes.
  • Pete is also hooking up with Sloane/having the same conversation over and over. They were screwed up, he cheated, she has his kid and never told him blah, blah, blah.
  • There’s a character called Kyle, who has a playbook of heavy hitters that she intends to score cash from so she can rid herself of her imprisoned husband
  • There’s German, Ahsha’s long suffering boyfriend. By the end of the season, he breaks up with Ahsha because she’s been more or less blatantly flirting with Derek since day one when they had his really cheesy magnetic gaze scene.
  • Olivia Vincent, wife of Chase and head of the Devil Girls. She spends most of the season facilitating Ahsha’s annoying behaviour because she slept with Pete when he was with Sloane and she feels guilty. At the end of the season, she’s fired and Sloane replaces her (so she can expose Oscar for murdering Mia)

I actually enjoyed this season. I thought it was hilarious really. Silly, harmless fun and shirtless basketball players, what’s not to like? Oh and the dance routines are cool too. I know nothing about dance, though.

Verdict: 6/10. Well worth a watch if you like trashy TV. If you don’t…

Drown, bitch.

At the start of season 2, an angry Olivia has been disappeared. It’s so bad that even before her character dies, she doesn’t even appear on screen. All we see is Chase, her husband, talking to a bathroom door while she’s supposedly in the shower. It was hilarious. I was just asking my screen, “WHERE IS SHE?!” There’s an ominous note in her house that reads ‘No More Secrets’, and Oscar (team owner, all around shady guy) is concerned that she’s going to show up at his groundbreaking ceremony for a new stadium and expose his shadiness. Coincidentally, she ends up dead at the groundbreaking ceremony. They find her her buried under the dirt. Oscar is able to identify her arm and two locks of blonde hair. Hidden talents!

We get some new characters this season:

  • Jude, Oscar’s son, a junior sports agent who isn’t allowed to call him ‘Dad’; somehow provided Derek with coke, and is responsible for bringing Zero (see below) to the team.
  • Zero, a… questionable individual, faux Christian and ‘good guy’, who moves to the Devils team, and immediately sets sight on Terrence’s girlfriend because he wants to be the star of the team.
  • Lionel, a Hollywood actress and Pete’s soon to be ex wife.

I don’t really know how to describe season 2. This show is like writing on steroids, which isn’t as bad as say writing on LSD, but yeah. The start of season two bored me to tears. I actually stopped watching it after the third or fourth episode because it was just the same thing. It holds up better on the rewatch but only because I know what nonsense lies ahead.

German inexplicably goes from coaching high school basketball to being the assistant coach (at the lowest level, lol) of an NBA team (really, guys? Doesn’t he need some kind of certification or credentials).

Sloane teams up with some private detective to investigate Oscar on behalf of the league. Eventually, the league bails and she’s forced to go it alone (this is mostly just scenes of her highlighting stacks of paper) despite having no experience.

Ahsha and Derek get together, get busted by TMZ (it’s illegal {lmao, well forbidden} for players to date dancers), go public (Oscar okays them dating) and then end up arguing about whatever. I think he throws coke in her purse after getting upset that his mother is a money hungry woman who has no real interest in him. She’s taken downtown – gets really upset that they took her shoes, girl, really? First world problems much? – and it spirals from there.

Lionel demands that Jude break up Pete and Raquel in return for her coming to all of the games. This side plot was not the best, especially because in the end in turns out that Lionel isn’t over Pete and Pete is happy to take advantage of that.

Zero and Jelena engage in some kind of PR relationship – it literally begins at Olivia’s funeral which grossed me out to no end, and sort of goes on and on before going off like yogurt that’s been left out for too long. I think I actively disliked Zero for the longest time. Ick.

Terrence is injured and taking pills (important because they’re the same pills Jelena gave him so that he’d fail a drug test and not get traded).

That’s followed by:

  • Lionel having some kind of movie bomb at the box office
  • The appearance of mysterious red envelopes containing a note saying: No More Secrets, yes, everyone was being blackmailed by Olivia who is now dead. Hmm.
  • Jude overhears Sloane and Raquel talking about the Oscar investigation in the hallway of the arena where OSCAR WORKS! Forget Jude, this is a guy who’s killed someone and possibly has bugs all over the place and they’re just chatting in the hallway when Sloane has a perfectly functional office.
  • Anyway, he overhears them and tries to blackmail them into handing over the info
  • We find out that Olivia was blackmailing Raquel over her immigration status. Really. The one Latino character was being blackmailed because she doesn’t have a green card?
  • Anyway, they clap back with the information that Jude was dealing coke to Derek so, detente is reached in order to avoid M.A.D.
  • Elsewhere, Ahsha tries to get revenge on Jelena for leaking a nude picture of Sloane at Derek Roman’s roast. She does this by forwarding an email to her account and then emailing that to a reporter… Without even reading the content of the email. She just sees a name and she’s like, ‘A HA, BAD NAME EQUALS BYE BYE JELENA’.
  • It backfires
  • Somehow, it turns into a story about Zero using hookers which is at odds with his Christian persona
  • Zero’s life is ruined and together we cry (not really).

And I have to break the list for this to give you background on ‘Zude’ which somehow spiralled out of nowhere. It was like fictional whiplash, but caused by TV and not a desire to commit fraud.

There were 63 other things happening all at once so I must have missed the ‘signs’.

  • Jude and Zero have a plan to knock Derek and Terrence off their perch  so that Zero can be the star of the team
  • We don’t really hear much of this plan, but we know that this is what Jude used to get Zero to LA
  • After minimal interaction (something like three or four short scenes) in the previous seven episodes, in episode 8, Zero buys Jude a Porsche and makes him his agent.
  • Dialogue includes: Jude’s still ‘Team Zero’ and also Zero wouldn’t have the ‘world at his feet‘ if it wasn’t for Jude.
  • That’s nice but I remember being sooooo confused. I was just like, ‘Porsche, what, where are they going with this?’ Why are they looking at each other like that? SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, WHERE ARE THEY GOING WITH THIS? Agents get cars all the time, right?
  • Fast forward to the end of the episode and Zero’s sad that everyone knows that he’s a fake Christian that sleeps with hookers.
  • I was laughing my head off at that because how can you not? LOL.
  • Instead of saying, ‘Well, you know, this is kind of your own doing,’ Jude tells Zero he’ll never leave him and kisses him.
  • Ah, that’s why they were looking at each other like that? Nice! Completely random and out of the blue but nice.
  • After some healthy debate, they get together, have multiple heart to hearts before breaking up because Jude wants to go public. Boo.

The rest of season 2 sees Sloane and Pete get back together (days after he signs his divorce papers, has divorce sex and then falls into an alcoholic slumber!), Oscar is arrested for Mia’s murder, Lionel has a miscarriage (did I miss the part where Pete manages to sleep with three different women in like three weeks?) and married Oscar, Jelena and Terrence get back together, Oscar tells Jude that he doesn’t have a son (apparently he’s a raging homophobe as well as being a shitbag). The worst part about that is that Jude and Derek get into it and Derek refuses to provide Jude with an alibi for Olivia’s murder because he realises that Zero and Jude have been scheming together all along. His exact words are drown, bitch. 

Jude: I’m dealing with something right now and if you take away my alibi I’m underwater

Derek: Drown, bitch.

I howled.

HOWLED, I TELL YOU.

Terrence blows out his knee (somehow they just keep playing him even though Zero leaks the fact that he’s got an injury to the press, and the fact that he’s, you know, injured!), but the team manage to win the championship. Yay!

Did you get all of that??  Seriously. Writing (and players) on steroids.

The best-worst part is the reveal of Olivia’s killer.

Let’s briefly touch on the suspects:

  • Jude. They were reaching with this one. Anyway his motive was that she magically knew that he was dealing coke to Derek. Apparently that = prison, but he was barely dealing, lol. The guy dealing is the guy Jude is buying from? Moving on!
  • Derek. See above.
  • Kyle. Fuck if I know why.
  • Raquel. Her undocumented status.
  • Oscar for various reasons
  • Jelena. Olivia knew that she gave Terrence PEDs.

Obviously the writers went down a completely different road and in a shocking twist, we find out that the killer is German, who is now back with Ahsha. German’s reason? Well, turns out that Olivia tried to blackmail Ahsha over the rigged All Stars vote. German intercepts the note (apparently blackmail only works if you have a current address) and confronts Olivia and somehow she ends up falling over a bannister.

My face was just like….

That’s why he killed her? That was the reason why we endured a season long whodunit?

I’m still Team German, so it was a hard time for me. LOL. German deserves better. Even though he’s a dumbass.

Verdict: 5/10. I… yeah, let’s just move onto the second part.

FYI, I wrote 3000+ words on this show. I’m ashamed of myself.

PART TWO IS THIS WAY!

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