snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’


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Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins

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A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

The movie opens with a slow motion scene of Blonde Girlfriend (Jamie) being led away by cops. Her mom screams something along the lines of ‘AT LEAST THIS MOVIE HAS A TITLE THAT GETS STRAIGHT TO THE POINT’. At least I assume that’s what she said. There’s a dead body in the background. UH-OH!!!

Next, but some point before the opening scene, Blonde GF and her friend are being valley girl high-schoolers and saying some teensy things about texts and boyfriends. Is it me or do teens on TV always talk in this weird giggly way that hopefully isn’t reflective of real life?

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blonde girlfriend doing her patented blonde stare

Jamie gives her pregnant teacher a gift — damn for a min I thought the pregnant teacher was DIRTY TEACHER! But she’s not, so…phew. Although, now I want someone to make that movie. Anyway, Dirty Teacher rolls in and immediately sets her zoomed in close up predator eyes on Jamie’s boyfriend. The Lifetime writers are at least nothing if not predictable. That’s classic subtle as a sledgehammer™ right there.

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Meanwhile, Jamie’s parents are broke and have depleted her college fund. She’s all bratty about it and goes over to her boyfriend’s (Danny) place. He’s trying to go all the way™ but she isn’t ready. Danny’s mom also doesn’t care for Jamie because she’s poor and also, his parents fired her father. Well, damn. All of that AND he’s about to cheat on her with Dirty Teacher.

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Dirty Teacher has some demons, y’all. We see some kind of mirror flashback of her abusive mom. K. When she takes her first class. Jamie is already giving her half evils. Next, Danny is hanging back after class. He says he needs a 3.0 GPA. Dirty Teacher asks to see him after school. This after school session is weird. Dirty Teacher uses a weird girlfriend analogy to help him. Quick note: Danny looks more like 28 than 18 but hell, the rent’s gotta get paid, right?

After that Dirty Teacher takes Danny’s cell phone number so she can ‘help him’.

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In her home, and while in full on predator mode, Dirty Teacher Google stalks Danny while leering creepily. She starts texting him, with emoticons and tween-esque giggling.

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Dirty Teacher basically has these weird psychological flashbacks when she looks into a mirror…..yeah. I’m guessing this is also an ‘off her meds’ PSA as well as a ‘have sex and you will die’ PSA. She also keeps thinking about Danny and giggling and flicking her hair and whatnot. Oh dear.

Back in school, Dirty Teacher gives Jamie her FIRST EVER C. Probably cause she wants to bone her boyfriend. Dirty Teacher gives her another chance to turn in the paper the next day…so that she can sleep with the girl’s boyfriend on what’s supposed to be their anniversary. Smart thinking. Predictably, Danny is pissed that his girlfriend cares about getting into college enough to miss their one year anniversary.

Dirty Teacher swings by after baseball team loses and whisks Danny away…in her car. WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE???? Sigh. Dirty Teacher takes him to a…hole in the wall in Chinatown and buys him beer. She asks if he and Jamie were going to have sex…oy…what is this foolishness? It’s not her business! Danny is too much teenage boy and not enough brains, so he has no problem with it.

At the same time, Jamie is wondering where Danny is. Girl, you don’t want to know. Dirty Teacher gives Danny her address, has another mirror flashback (variants of her mom calling her an ugly little girl). She almost kisses Danny but we are spared! For now..

Danny lies about where he was and Jamie gets suspicious. A few days later, while at a party, Danny is disappointed to see that Jamie turns up and ruins his fun…which is staring at Dirty Teacher’s address and wondering when he can get busy with her. All of that energy makes him go too far with Jame. Again. He gets pissed off and leaves her alone to go and text Dirty Teacher. Dirty Teacher makes up some crap about her car and laughs and giggles at the text exchange like she’s fourteen years old.

Over at her house, when the non-existent car issue is solved, Dirty Teacher’s killer move is to offer to…clean Danny’s hands for him???? Sure, they’re covered in car grease but damn. However, it works, as does her inappropriate outfit. After they kiss, she reminds him that he’s eighteen and he can do whatever he wants with whoever. It’ll be their little secret.

Jamie manages to conduct some kind of drunk stakeout and catches Danny getting home at 1am. She accuses him of cheating and he lies. They then let her get into her car and DRIVE HOME WHILE DRUNK. I suspect severe brain cell depletion has occurred to all of the characters in this film. She gets into an argument with her mom but the real kicker is that Dirty Teacher gives her another C on her paper anyway. C for ‘your boyfriend is a dirty cheater’? Eventually, Jamie catches Dirty Teacher and Danny looking too comfy and puts two and two together.

And tells no-one. Classic Lifetime mistake!

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Through pillow talk and flashbacks, we learn that Dirty Teacher killed her foster mom via an insulin overdose. Damn, this bish is cold. Jamie asks Danny why Dirty Teacher keeps giving her bad grades. He’s evasive so she starts following him. All the way to Dirty Teacher’s house. In between making out, he manages to spare a thought for Jame and asks Dirty Teacher if she’s failing her on purpose.

Sometime after that, he catches her watching them through the door. AND BINGO! We have the patented Doing Nefarious Activity In Full View Of Anyone Who Happens To Be Walking By™ scene of the movie. Danny chases Jamie all the way to her house to…persuade her not to tell his Dad?

What kind of bullshit is this….Jamie should be throwing ‘bows and shit, but this is Lifetime so she’s….angry yet placid. Meanwhile, Dirty Teacher is texting Danny shit like, ‘are we okay?’ ‘I miss you’ ‘please call’ and ‘why are you ignoring me?’ Danny doesn’t reply to any of them LOL.

The next morning, Dirty Teacher gives Jamie an A on her paper. Jamie says it won’t help her get away with what she’s doing. After Danny gives her the cold shoulder, Dirty Teacher complains about Jamie to the principal.  Danny says he’s going to end it with Dirty Teacher and Jamie’s response is ‘do you mean it?’ And then she invites him to her house.

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Is she on crack????

Later, Danny texts Dirty Teacher who practically sprints over to her phone like she’s vying for a gold medal. He asks her to meet him at some park. She’s uh…excited. And she tells her reflection ‘of course he still wants me‘….and her foster mom flashback pops up again. Can she just stop looking in mirrors??? It would make her life easier and this movie easuer viewing.

Danny breaks up with Dirty Teacher because he doesn’t like how she’s been treating Jamie. He then stupidly tells Dirty Teacher that he’s going to see Jamie. At this point Dirty Teacher is being super clingy. And then Danny calls her a freak. Oh hell, no, that’s what moms used to call her. You done fucked up now, Danny!

In response she bursts into tears, screams and….

….MOWS HIM DOWN WITH HER CAR?????

WELL, SHIT.

She takes his phone and drags his body somewhere. Next she drives to Jamie’s house and….plants evidence on her car. She dumps Danny’s phone in a dumpster and then creates her perfect alibi by getting a ticket to a movie that’s almost over…

…and then looks up auto body places. The GPS chimes in and well, I hope this is some good ol’ Lifetime…

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The guy at the shop spots some blood and she says she hit a deer. She bribes the guy for his discretion and speed.

Danny is now officially missing. And the last known place he was heading to was Jamie’s place.

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The competent Lifetime PD are able to track down the cell phone and retrieve the texts quite quickly. Hell, they even find his body pretty quickly.

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Apparently Dirty Teacher didn’t do a bang up job of covering it up. Jamie finds out that he’s dead from her mom. At the police station, Danny’s mom thinks it was Jamie that did it. Jamie conveniently has no alibi because both of her parents were out and she was home alone. The police question her and she tells them that Danny was supposed to show up AND that he was going to break up with his girlfriend (bish, why? WHY PHRASE IT LIKE THAT?).

She even tells them about Dirty Teacher. Boo, you ain’t got no evidence. Imma need these TV teens and parents to wise up and lawyer up ASAP. Lifetime is supposed to be educational! Dirty Teacher basically tells the police that Jamie has been acting crazy. However, she has an alibi and when they hear that she was at a movie…the police request a ticket stub?

Lifetime PD, you know damn well that proves nothing.

After some police interviews that don’t paint Jamie in the best light, the police get a search warrant for the house. In a shocking turn of events, Jamie doesn’t own a cell phone. In a further shocking turn of events, the police FIND a cellphone and blood on her car with the text messages sent to Danny asking him to go to the park where they found his body. She gets arrested and her parents need to hustle up 50k for her bail. Her parents believe her when she says it was Dirty Teacher, so the plan is just to find evidence.

Over at Dirty Teacher’s place, she’s now imagining that Danny’s dead body is in her bed.  Jamie’s mom goes to see her and Dirty Teacher plays dumb. They trade some verbal blows until Dirty Teacher goes to a meeting and the mom snags her car keys and…..USES THE GPS to look up her previous destinations!!

Moms goes to shop, but the guy who was paid for discretion ‘doesn’t remember’ seeing Dirty Teacher. However, a woman working there confirms that Dirty Teacher was there. Unfortunately, moms left the mechanic screen on the GPS, so when she gets back into her car, Dirty Teacher is all gaspy and shocked.

Recently bailed Jamie wants to get Dirty Teacher to confess….despite her ankle monitor preventing her from leaving the house. Eventually, she grabs a phone and turns the mic on and flees. Smart move. Over at casa Dirty Teacher, she’s in full on meltdown mode. Ain’t a pretty sight. Jamie goes over to the house and tries to get her (Dirty Teacher) to confess and …fails miserably

Jamie starts taunting her and Dirty Teacher grabs a knife. They tussle and Jamie cuts her face. They tussle more. One of the incompetent Lifetime PD guys turns up said he heard everything. Dirty Teacher knocks him out but Jamie grabs the gun. They tussle some more. Eventually, the detective wakes up and arrests her. Of course it turns out that Dirty Teacher has done it before. Bizarrely enough, as she’s being driven away, the rest of the characters start joking about traffic and why it took the incompetent Lifetime PD so long to get here……?

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Blah, blah, blah, Jamie gets into college. The movie FINALLY  ends with a student on television saying he would sleep with Dirty Teacher if she was his teacher.

In prison, Dirty Teacher starts twirling her hair and saying how sweet that is….

Hell, least they jailed her.


VERDICT: 4/10

I expected more from this movie, tbh. I don’t know if that’s a poor reflection on me or Lifetime. Probably both.

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