bad acting

Bad Moviethon #11 – Airplane vs. Volcano (2014)


Movie: Airplane vs. Volcano
Year: 2014

Plot: When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing. But when the relentless onslaught of lava and ash causes fear and distrust amongst those onboard, it isn’t just the volcanoes that are life-threatening. Everyone must learn to work together if they are to survive their epic flight of fire.

IMDB rating: 2.6/10

Moment at which I knew there was no coming back from this cinematic travesty:

You are a big bitch

Yes, that is an actual line from the movie. The poster claims that it’s based on a true story but I can’t and won’t even comprehend that, because in a real scenario, the pilot wouldn’t set the plane to autopilot (over a volatile volcano no less) and not leave the override codes anywhere. At least I hope not.

Anyway, basically a volcano erupts just as a commercial plane is flying over. Somehow, the pilot and co-pilot end up indisposed because, you know, it’s more dramatic that way. Unfortunately the plane is stuck on autopilot but off duty pilot, Dean Cain, just happens to be on board to save the day. 

Imagine that, Superman vs. Volcano. I’d actually watch that. Twice. 

In a real scenario, we wouldn’t have Dean Cain ‘flying’ a plane that was permanently stuck in autopilot. He spends most of the movie in the cockpit steering the plane but… if the plane is on autopilot and the circuits are fried… that’s not possible? I mean, sure he could steer but I don’t know how effective it would be. Yet somehow he could move the plane… Just not enough to move it past the (world’s largest) volcano. 

Anyway, not to be outdone, there was also some weird, sketchy foreign guy on the plane that seemed content on letting them all know that they’re going to die. At one point he tries to kidnap Dean Cain mid-air before threatening to kill some guy with a broken glass bottle. He wanted to do all of that because Dean Cain, a marshal and the flight attendant lied about the pilot being dead. I have no idea why this dude was here. I guess the whole HUGE VOLCANO!! thing wasn’t enough plot, we had to have a random villain thrown in for shits and giggles. 

Oh, and also on the plane a volcano expert (not a coincidence) who got to say all of the science stuff for us. Yay. 

I guess he just forgot his protective gear

On the ground, we have an angry colonel who seems to be incompetent. He ignores Super Volcano Expert Robin Givens’ warnings and sort of stands around and yells a lot. In a real scenario, the first thing they would do is evacuate people and not wait for a huge gust of volcanic ash to fry a bunch of sunbathers first. But yeah, a bunch of people die before they realise that a volcano erupting is kind of a big deal. 

We also have some guy getting sucked into a ball of fire when he exits the plane to unclog an engine. Oh, and having the door open didn’t cause any problems at all DESPITE THE HUGE FIRE BALLS that the plane has barely been dodging up until that point. Okay. 

Anyway, somehow, the crazy foreign man manages to kill the marshal (this is after he vanishes for half an hour because they locked him in the toilet and no one needed to use it) and escape from the plane on a raft before getting blown up. Eventually everyone else on the plane is saved while Dean Cain sacrifices himself somehow in order to stop the volcano or whatever. I had no idea by the end, I was just being stubborn and determined to finish it. 

I think the worst thing about this movie is Dean Cain. I know that the bills have to get paid, but why? Why? The second worst thing is that it’s far too serious. There’s no wink nudge ha ha this movie is pretty silly, it’s acted like they think they’re in some Scorcese flick. That made it very dull and boring. 

Verdict: 0/10. 

Bad Moviethon #5 – Daredevil (2003)


Daredevil | 2003 | IMDB

Synopsis: A man blinded by toxic waste which also enhanced his remaining senses fights crime as an acrobatic martial arts superhero.

Rotten tomatoes score: 44℅

Review excerpt: 

Torn between moody grandiosity and cartoonish mayhem, Daredevil tries to have it both ways, and succeeds at neither.


Batman & Robin continues to elude me but I caught this on TV last week was inspired to blog about it. Sort of. 

I don’t even need to recap. This movie is garbage

I used to think that people were being unnecessarily harsh about it, but no, it’s bad. The only thing I liked was hearing Won’t Back Down by Fuel in the closing credits. That’s my song! Teenage me probably loved the movie’s soundtrack but overall, the film itself was a mess. It was boring and somewhat nonsensical. Colin Farrell was really cheesy as Bullseye. I have no idea what that first ninja battle scene with Elektra and Daredevil was. Or whichever one happened near that kids playground. I was just shuddering due to the cringe. Not to mention the whole ‘stay‘ thing as it’s raining buckets. UGH. 

The movie is basically like one long Evanescence music video, complete with the soundtrack. 

I don’t even know how Daredevil managed to survive after Elektra almost killed him. Or how he managed to catch up with the Kingpin. It was like time slowed down for me but not the movie? If that makes sense. It barely held my attention.

On the flip side, I suppose it isn’t completely worthless. The visual effects weren’t bad. It makes for good background noise/minor entertainment and there are probably worse movies out there. Like Playing It Cool (I’m still processing just how bad that movie was). 

Anyway, based on this, I can only imagine how bad Affleck’s Batman is. I haven’t seen Batman vs. Superman but I hear that it wasn’t great. How surprising. I suppose the upside is that Affleck still has the perfect jawline for the role. 

One Lamp To Live – Fight Edition


or…a collection of cheesy, stupid clips from One Life To Live!

I know, I know – I’ve reached a new low.

I have no idea how I ended up inside this One Life To Live YouTube black hole but it happened and I am dealing with it. Sort of. I think I might have to go back to recapping Supernatural. I might as well provide my one reader with topical snark. Although, #4 is kind of topical in the sense that I shoehorned in a Supernatural reference.


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NOT THE LAMP!!!!

In this first clip, I have no idea what these two woman are fighting about. I love how dramatically they take each slap. And I hope to hell the blonde one was wearing clip on earrings. ’cause damn. I would not sacrifice my ear lobes for no bitch. NEVER.

Hilariously, the guy saves the lamp and sort of stands there watching them. Except it’s hilarious in that it’s really, really, really AWKWARD.

I love how the Rama goes from fighting to blackmailing the lamp dude seamlessly.

From searching the web, I got an explanation (kind of) for this fight. What stood out was….

They soon found out Rama wasn’t pregnant after Robert Ford accidentally poked Rama’s water-ballooned pregnant belly.

Water balloon??? AMATEUR. (more…)

snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’


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Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins

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A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

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snarkview: 90210 (in which Liam Court was my brother from another mother and then he wasn’t).


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Well, my opening statement definitely has to be: 90210 is one of the dumbest shows I have ever seen. So, so, so very dumb. It was like watching aliens masquerading as pretty people for five seasons. The show is supposedly set on Earth, but you just have to wonder if the characters are living in a reality where the laws of logic simply don’t apply.

This show (and actually the entire franchise) is, as Google can attest, not very diverse. The CW casting policy appears to be vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

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I’m just sayin’. (more…)

This Means War (2012)


I watched this movie again recently and I was kind of bemused at how terrible it is. It should probably be called This Means Catfish. Or This Is Creepy. I don’t know. I only watched it for Tom Hardy because this is the one movie where he’s not bulked up to the high heavens and speaking in an awful accent (I’ve gotta keep it real with you, Tom).

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And the results are in!


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People actually voted, which is cool. Thanks! I have some results to present in the form of a gold cupcake that I uh, borrowed from Google Images. Please don’t sue me, oh great creator of this cupcake.

*drumroll*

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