Bad Sister (Lifetime, 2016).

I found this in my drafts and decided it might as well be my first post of the year.

Uhm. Enjoy?

A student at a Catholic school has suspicions when one of the nuns begins acting creepily towards her brother. But she can’t tell anyone, because who would believe that a woman of God would do such a thing?

The movie opens with some tearaway teenager playing some Ed Sheeran-esque song for his online viewers.

He’s sent away to a Catholic school. Or something. Around the same time, a new nun arrives at the school.

Within no time, we see that she has very nice blonde hair and underwear that’s not very nun appropriate. And then we see her gushing over a video of Jason, our acoustic guitar playing protagonist. By gushing, I mean that she all but kisses her laptop screen. Oh dear.

Anyway, our Bad Sister is Sister Sophia and when she arrives to teach the class, she gets upset when she sees a female student flirting with Jason. This is like Bad Teacher, but with a nun.

Jealousy has overcome Sister Sophia so much that she forgets about the morning prayer and even worse, she doesn’t say it.

Sister Sophia asks Jason if he has a girlfriend and when he says no, she tells him that she thinks he’s quite the catch. I get that she’s a fake predator nun, but she has no chill. Also, for some reason, she takes a ‘Toxic Tramp’ lip gloss from Sarah (the girl who was flirting with Jason) and tries it on. Somehow, it offends her and she crushes the tube with her shoe.

…Why anyone would buy a lip gloss called Toxic Tramp is beyond me, but alright.

Continue reading “Bad Sister (Lifetime, 2016).”

Bad Moviethon #14 – Red Dawn

in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Red DawnIMDB

When North Korean troops invade U.S. soil and take over the city of Spokane, Wash., a recently returned Iraq War veteran (Chris Hemsworth) and a group of teens (Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson) flee to the woods and form a band of freedom fighters. Dubbing themselves the Wolverines, the youths launch guerrilla attacks against the invaders — but how long they can sustain the fight in the face of the enemy’s superior numbers and firepower remains in question. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #14 – Red Dawn”

Rockin’ At USA High!

USA High | USA Network | 1999-2000

Does anyone else remember this show? It’s not the most memorable, but you guys already know that I have questionable taste. 

Funny story. I’ve been trying to remember this show for years. YEARS. I’m sure that I’ve come across it and dismissed it during my search because my memory is more photographic than anything. The name USA High meant nothing to me. All I remembered that the headmaster had a daughter at the boarding school and that there was a cafe with some kind of orange/red seating and that there was a token black girl on the show. 

If you were around in the 90s, you know that basically sums up every single teen show. It was basically the same dude making them (think Saved By The Bell). I searched high and low anyway because it bugged me that I couldn’t remember and then one day it happened. 

The black girl I remembered popped up on a brief scene on The Fresh Prince (which I just happened to be rewatching). I have no idea how I knew it was her, but I was literally just like THAT IS THE GIRL FROM THE SHOW I DON’T REMEMBER! 

Her name is Marquita Terry. I looked her up and voila, there it was. 

USA High

After such a soulful journey, I couldn’t even hate the show. It’s terrible. It’s somewhat skeevy, and it’s full of ridiculous stereotypes about Brooklyn, Germany, British people and you know, black people (she just had to be the aggressive kind that threatens to beat people up a lot), but somehow it still manages to retain its nineties charm. 

That being said, I still have some snark. 

Let’s take a look at the plot:

Six suitemates at an exclusive American high school in Paris become friends and have the time of their lives.

 …so basically this is a show about nothing that just happens to be set in an American high school in Paris

Paris in this case = mentioning The Louvre, Champs Elysées and Eiffel Tower at any opportunity possible. If they didn’t mention Paris now and then, you’d hardly know where it was based. Hell, they even pay for everything in dollars, lol. 

Let’s take a look at the main characters (season 1 only because it’s not the same without Lazz). 

Bobby ‘Lazz’ Lazzarini

  • He’s from Brooklyn, and so he says ‘Youse’ and other Brooklynisms at any opportunity
  • Has a strange obsession with meat
  • His parents are… ice clowns
  • He’s the short one who never gets any girls… until he does. 
  • He’s the wheeler dealer of the group and despite the fact that he’s always coming up with money schemes, he seems to be able to order very expensive meat whenever he wants. 

    Jackson Green

    • Resident douche – sorry, heartthrob
    • Plays guitar, sings cheesy love songs that are at odds with his sketchy exterior
    • Is highly sensitive. Literally, every time he has an argument with someone he said, ‘I don’t want anything to do with you!’ which is dramatic because he lives in the same suite. That’s kind of impossible, bro. 
    • Daddy issues
    • Mommy issues
    • Surfer bro dating his ex issues
    • At one point he had frosted tips. I’m so happy that look died down.  It’s horrifying. 

    Winnie Sue Barnes

    • Stereotype City 101 right here
    • She’s loud, aggressive, lots of attitude
    • She threatens to beat someone up at least once per episode
    • Somehow she managed to have a long lasting relationship with Christian that’s partly based on fear. 
    • Like I said, unfortunate stereotypes. 
    • That being said, there are some nice scenes with her buried under the steaming pile of stereotypes. 
    • I particularly like her catchphrase ‘H.O.T.T HOTT’. 

    Christian Mueller

    • The dimwitted, muscled German
    • At the start of the sshow his behaviour was creepy and weird but he ended up being sweet albeit in a really dumb way
    • Eye candy x 1000000
    • Uh. Well. Clearly he’s one of the more nuanced characters. 
    • I think he’s secretly snarky but hides behind his dim exterior for reasons unknown. Just go with my theory, dammit. 

      Lauren Fontaine

      • The pretty one
      • Uh… That’s it really.
      • I can’t remember too much and I’ve been watching this shit on a daily basis. Welp. 
      • I looked the actress up and she seems to be married to some sort of Scientology weirdo. This doesn’t surprise me at all. What’s creepy is that she looks exactly the same. 

          Miss Dupree

          • Pretty teacher
          • Teaches 57 different subjects because this school only has two teachers, a headmaster and a cleaner. 
          • Has no real purpose on the show apart from every male character leering at her. 

          Mr Elliot

          • Stuffy headmaster who spends most of his time hitting on Miss Dupree or handing out restrictions (detention)
          • Should have been handed at least 59 sexual harassment suits within the first twelve episodes. The teenage characters gawping at Miss Dupree is at least in character… Watching a grown ass man do the same thing isn’t all that funny.
          • Even with the British accent. Sorry. 

            Ashley Elliot

            • The actress who played her adopted what has to be the worst English accent of all time. Instead of ‘speshul’, she pronounces special as ‘spessial’. So wrong. 
            • I guess the writers were going for the barmy Brit stereotype because she’s freaking nuts. 
            • My favourite Ashley scene is when they’re parachuting out of a plane and she’s extremely excited… only for another character to point out that she’s wearing her backpack and not the parachute. 
            • NGL, I wouldn’t have minded if they’d killed her off. Her accent is soul destroying. 

            All in all this show is hopelessly stupid, but hey, the theme song is catchy. 

            Bad Moviethon #11 – Airplane vs. Volcano (2014)

            Movie: Airplane vs. Volcano
            Year: 2014

            Plot: When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing. But when the relentless onslaught of lava and ash causes fear and distrust amongst those onboard, it isn’t just the volcanoes that are life-threatening. Everyone must learn to work together if they are to survive their epic flight of fire.

            IMDB rating: 2.6/10

            Moment at which I knew there was no coming back from this cinematic travesty:

            You are a big bitch

            Yes, that is an actual line from the movie. The poster claims that it’s based on a true story but I can’t and won’t even comprehend that, because in a real scenario, the pilot wouldn’t set the plane to autopilot (over a volatile volcano no less) and not leave the override codes anywhere. At least I hope not.

            Anyway, basically a volcano erupts just as a commercial plane is flying over. Somehow, the pilot and co-pilot end up indisposed because, you know, it’s more dramatic that way. Unfortunately the plane is stuck on autopilot but off duty pilot, Dean Cain, just happens to be on board to save the day. 

            Imagine that, Superman vs. Volcano. I’d actually watch that. Twice. 

            In a real scenario, we wouldn’t have Dean Cain ‘flying’ a plane that was permanently stuck in autopilot. He spends most of the movie in the cockpit steering the plane but… if the plane is on autopilot and the circuits are fried… that’s not possible? I mean, sure he could steer but I don’t know how effective it would be. Yet somehow he could move the plane… Just not enough to move it past the (world’s largest) volcano. 

            Anyway, not to be outdone, there was also some weird, sketchy foreign guy on the plane that seemed content on letting them all know that they’re going to die. At one point he tries to kidnap Dean Cain mid-air before threatening to kill some guy with a broken glass bottle. He wanted to do all of that because Dean Cain, a marshal and the flight attendant lied about the pilot being dead. I have no idea why this dude was here. I guess the whole HUGE VOLCANO!! thing wasn’t enough plot, we had to have a random villain thrown in for shits and giggles. 

            Oh, and also on the plane a volcano expert (not a coincidence) who got to say all of the science stuff for us. Yay. 

            I guess he just forgot his protective gear

            On the ground, we have an angry colonel who seems to be incompetent. He ignores Super Volcano Expert Robin Givens’ warnings and sort of stands around and yells a lot. In a real scenario, the first thing they would do is evacuate people and not wait for a huge gust of volcanic ash to fry a bunch of sunbathers first. But yeah, a bunch of people die before they realise that a volcano erupting is kind of a big deal. 

            We also have some guy getting sucked into a ball of fire when he exits the plane to unclog an engine. Oh, and having the door open didn’t cause any problems at all DESPITE THE HUGE FIRE BALLS that the plane has barely been dodging up until that point. Okay. 

            Anyway, somehow, the crazy foreign man manages to kill the marshal (this is after he vanishes for half an hour because they locked him in the toilet and no one needed to use it) and escape from the plane on a raft before getting blown up. Eventually everyone else on the plane is saved while Dean Cain sacrifices himself somehow in order to stop the volcano or whatever. I had no idea by the end, I was just being stubborn and determined to finish it. 

            I think the worst thing about this movie is Dean Cain. I know that the bills have to get paid, but why? Why? The second worst thing is that it’s far too serious. There’s no wink nudge ha ha this movie is pretty silly, it’s acted like they think they’re in some Scorcese flick. That made it very dull and boring. 

            Verdict: 0/10. 

            Bad Moviethon #5 – Daredevil (2003)

            Daredevil | 2003 | IMDB

            Synopsis: A man blinded by toxic waste which also enhanced his remaining senses fights crime as an acrobatic martial arts superhero.

            Rotten tomatoes score: 44℅

            Review excerpt: 

            Torn between moody grandiosity and cartoonish mayhem, Daredevil tries to have it both ways, and succeeds at neither.

            Batman & Robin continues to elude me but I caught this on TV last week was inspired to blog about it. Sort of. 

            I don’t even need to recap. This movie is garbage

            I used to think that people were being unnecessarily harsh about it, but no, it’s bad. The only thing I liked was hearing Won’t Back Down by Fuel in the closing credits. That’s my song! Teenage me probably loved the movie’s soundtrack but overall, the film itself was a mess. It was boring and somewhat nonsensical. Colin Farrell was really cheesy as Bullseye. I have no idea what that first ninja battle scene with Elektra and Daredevil was. Or whichever one happened near that kids playground. I was just shuddering due to the cringe. Not to mention the whole ‘stay‘ thing as it’s raining buckets. UGH. 

            The movie is basically like one long Evanescence music video, complete with the soundtrack. 

            I don’t even know how Daredevil managed to survive after Elektra almost killed him. Or how he managed to catch up with the Kingpin. It was like time slowed down for me but not the movie? If that makes sense. It barely held my attention.

            On the flip side, I suppose it isn’t completely worthless. The visual effects weren’t bad. It makes for good background noise/minor entertainment and there are probably worse movies out there. Like Playing It Cool (I’m still processing just how bad that movie was). 

            Anyway, based on this, I can only imagine how bad Affleck’s Batman is. I haven’t seen Batman vs. Superman but I hear that it wasn’t great. How surprising. I suppose the upside is that Affleck still has the perfect jawline for the role. 

            One Lamp To Live – Fight Edition

            or…a collection of cheesy, stupid clips from One Life To Live!

            I know, I know – I’ve reached a new low.

            I have no idea how I ended up inside this One Life To Live YouTube black hole but it happened and I am dealing with it. Sort of. I think I might have to go back to recapping Supernatural. I might as well provide my one reader with topical snark. Although, #4 is kind of topical in the sense that I shoehorned in a Supernatural reference.

            1. [link]

            NOT THE LAMP!!!!

            In this first clip, I have no idea what these two woman are fighting about. I love how dramatically they take each slap. And I hope to hell the blonde one was wearing clip on earrings. ’cause damn. I would not sacrifice my ear lobes for no bitch. NEVER.

            Hilariously, the guy saves the lamp and sort of stands there watching them. Except it’s hilarious in that it’s really, really, really AWKWARD.

            I love how the Rama goes from fighting to blackmailing the lamp dude seamlessly.

            From searching the web, I got an explanation (kind of) for this fight. What stood out was….

            They soon found out Rama wasn’t pregnant after Robert Ford accidentally poked Rama’s water-ballooned pregnant belly.

            Water balloon??? AMATEUR. Continue reading “One Lamp To Live – Fight Edition”

            snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’


            Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins


            A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

            You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

            I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

            Continue reading “snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’”

            snarkview: 90210 (in which Liam Court was my brother from another mother and then he wasn’t).



            Well, my opening statement definitely has to be: 90210 is one of the dumbest shows I have ever seen. So, so, so very dumb. It was like watching aliens masquerading as pretty people for five seasons. The show is supposedly set on Earth, but you just have to wonder if the characters are living in a reality where the laws of logic simply don’t apply.

            This show (and actually the entire franchise) is, as Google can attest, not very diverse. The CW casting policy appears to be vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.



            I’m just sayin’. Continue reading “snarkview: 90210 (in which Liam Court was my brother from another mother and then he wasn’t).”

            This Means War (2012)

            I watched this movie again recently and I was kind of bemused at how terrible it is. It should probably be called This Means Catfish. Or This Is Creepy. I don’t know. I only watched it for Tom Hardy because this is the one movie where he’s not bulked up to the high heavens and speaking in an awful accent (I’ve gotta keep it real with you, Tom).

            Continue reading “This Means War (2012)”