snark

Bad Products, cont. 


Just in time for… whatever major holiday is coming next? 

Anyway, let’s dive in. 

1. Asahi Clear Latte Coffee-Flavored Water (Pack of 12)
Espresso extract and milk taste
Price: US$ 21

I don’t have a copy of the description but clear flavoured water that tastes like coffee? No. No. No and no. Nope. I can just make a mug of coffee and then refill my cup with water and voila. Coffee water. Why would anyone even want to drink coffee flavoured water anyway?! I reject this water on…coffee grounds (pun intended).

2. WEMO Wearable MemoErasable slap bracelet notepad

Price: US$ 21

The WEMO Wearable Memo means you will never be forced to write down a note on your hand ever again – nor will you need to whip out your phone to type a reminder. Just wear this slap bracelet-style notepad and always have a portable memo (literally) on you. Being waterproof and erasable, this is a superbly practical tool that is ideal for various kinds of working scenarios, particularly nursing staff or people outdoors. There are four colors, each with a varying background design: the blue version has lines; the beige has rulers and grid dots; the white is plain with a rule along one side; and the green has white grid dots.

K. This one is kind of cool, but you know. I’m good with paper. Plus what happens when you run out of space? How would you even read everything? You’d have to do wrist yoga or something. I can practically feel how awkward and uncomfortable it would be. 

3. Mizuiro Vegetable CrayonsColoring crayons made from food

Price: US$ 29

The diversity of its cuisine is probably Japan’s best kept secret and one of the things that make the cuisine special is its variety of vegetables. Add the Japanese passion for freshness and you end up with an unbelievably rich palette of colors at every produce department in every store. From there, coming up with the idea of using these striking colors to create drawing materials was only a small step further and this is how the Mizuiro Vegetable Crayons were born.

…are they edible, though? The last thing you want to do is buy your kid crayons made out of actual food and still have to worry about them sticking it into their mouths. Come on guys. Just make edible crayons already. 

4. Samurai Umbrella

Price: US$ 89

As featured on CNN!

There’s a lot to like about umbrellas – they keep you dry while letting you wear whatever you want, they don’t get clammy like raincoats, and they’re a great excuse to put your arm around a lady. That said, an umbrella is about the least manly accessory a guy can have…until now.

The Samurai Umbrella replaces your boring umbrella grip with a Japanese sword handle, into a dashing, rainproof road warrior. We’ve even included a shoulder case for the umbrella, so you can carry it bandolier-style and free up your hands.

….how insecure in your manhood does one have to be to find an umbrella unmanly. Considering that men these days either have hipster buns or fades to protect, I don’t see any of them shunning umbrellas.

Anyway, I feel like anyone brave enough to carry this in public is asking to be arrested.  When it’s closed it really doesn’t look like an umbrella and I don’t think the police would waste time waiting for the owner to open it. The only exception is if they’re cosplaying in the rain (oh, what a glorious day…) and even then, no, you’re just looking to catch charges. 

5. Sushi Socks

Raw fish design leg wear
Price: US$ 56

The Sushi Socks are just how they sound: socks that look like Japan’s most famous food. The colorful leg wear fit almost all sizes and are based on actual popular sushi. This is a set of six, kind of like when you get a mori-awaseplatter in a sushi restaurant. They can be folded up to look like pairs of sushi on a plate, the white part of the sock looking like the rice, while the “fish” being the colored patterns.

Japanese people love anything that looks like food damn. A set of socks arranged to look like a sushi platter? That’s dedication. Expensive dedication. I’ll stick to plain black, thanks. It’s what my sock vanquishing washing machine deserves. 

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lift etiquette


Yes, I’m British and we say lift. For any persnickety Americans or wherever else-ians, I’m talking about elevators. 

This isn’t so much an investigation as it is me wondering why traveling in lifts is more complicated than it needs to be. 

The most irritating part is people not letting those inside the lift get out before they shove their way in. 

And then they have the nerve to look at you like you’ve gotten in their way. Are they stupid? 

Rhetorical question.

What’s wrong with WAITING three seconds to see if anyone is in the damn thing. This isn’t Sabrina the Teenage Witch. No one is about to cast a magic spell that will take the lift away from you. It’s not going anywhere. Why are you walking into me? I now hang back before I get off because I’m tired of people knocking into me. 

(On a side note people who do this on trains wind me up. Why do I have to push past you to get off the train? Or why are you pushing past me? It’s always someone that smells funky doing it as well. Okay, fine, so that might be my imagination but still. Don’t touch me. Thank you.)

Second irritating thing being in a lift with strangers. Well, I suppose it can’t be helped but it would be nice if people gaged my mood. Sometimes I don’t feel like making awkward small talk. On the other hand, you get those people who STARE like you have six heads and you’re compelled to start talking lest you press the emergency button and demand that someone get you out of there. 

Third thing is loud conversations, both the ones I am forced to witness and participate in. I don’t need you spreading my or your own business across the lift, thanks. I am just trying to get from A to B in near silence. Thank you. 

Four, funky smells. Cigarette smoke. Wafting perfume. Fart. Can’t you people just take the damn stairs? Or air yourself out, damn.

To conclude: people continue to be the worst. 

Bad Moviethon #19 – Killers 


#19

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 10%

Synopsis: Three years after a fateful trip to the French Riviera, Jen (Katherine Heigl) enjoys the good life in suburbia with her handsome husband, Spencer (Ashton Kutcher). That comes crashing down, however, when gunfire rings out the morning after his 30th birthday. It turns out that Spencer has not been honest with Jen about his job; he’s a deadly spy. Now she must learn to dodge bullets while keeping up an appearance of normalcy.

This movie has to be one of the dumbest things that I have ever seen. Even 10% is a generous score. It was that movie where you just sit back and wonder how many people wasted their time on it. How does a script this awful even get greenlit? Ashton Kutcher’s looks were not enough to save this movie. It’s only saving grace (for me) was seeing Casey Wilson pop up. 

To recap quickly, Katherine Heigl is unlucky in love and on vacation with her parents. Ashton Kutcher is a deadly spy who’s bored with his job. They see each other and inexplicably fall in love. 

Fast forward three years and they’re married blah blah blah happy happy. Until Ashton gets some kind of paranoia around the time of his 30th birthday. It’s short-lived until it isn’t. Suddenly, they’re under attack because everyone they’ve been surrounded by for the past three years are highly trained assassins. These people just played a long con for three years just so they could kill someone and collect a handsome reward. Oh and conveniently, no other assassins try to kill Ashton (I guess the hit was put out via the local newspaper….) apart from the ones in his life already. 

Halfway through the sheer nonsense that ensues, Katherine Heigl finds out that she’s pregnant. The news that her husband is a spy and there’s a bun in the oven is too much and she leaves him. Only to save his life minutes later because getting out of this movie is not that easy. 

Anyway, to sum a long story short, I think Katherine Heigl’s father ends up being a spy himself. Apparently he was the one who put out the hit on Ashton. Yeah, cause that makes sense. Hire a bunch of wild assassins to kill your son in law (and potentially your daughter) instead of just … doing it yourself. 

Bonus LOL: Usher appears as a K-Mart manager. I almost fell on my damn seat. So random. So unexpected. So hilarious. 

Verdict: 1/10. So, yeah. Rotten Tomatoes is bang on the money with this one. This movie is pure garbage. 

Bad Moviethon #18 – Just Married


(Potentially) BAD MOVIE MARATHON 

#18

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Just Married | 2003

Synopsis: Tom (Ashton Kutcher) and Sarah (Brittany Murphy) are two lovebirds from different worlds. He’s an average guy with a fondness for beer who works a low-level job, while she’s an aspiring writer from a wealthy and cultured family. The disapproval of family and friends doesn’t prevent the pair from marrying, but their disastrous honeymoon in Italy, with an unwelcome appearance by Sarah’s ex-boyfriend, Peter (Christian Kane), nearly succeeds in tearing them apart.

“Rotten” score: 20%

First of all, Brittany Murphy is so damn likable that this movie deserves waaaaay more than 20%. Secondly, Christian Kane looked downright delectable in this movie. I felt bad for wondering what happened to him. Thirdly, I watched this as part of my Ashton Kutcher marathon (which is ongoing. SOMEBODY HELP ME) which I feel a need to confess to. 

This movie wasn’t bad at all. Boy meets rich girl. Rich family hates boy. Rich family has rich guy who they would rather rich girl date. Boy kills rich girl’s dog. They get married. They go on honeymoon in France Italy. Boy cuts power in their rich hotel by being a Stoopid American abroad. They’re thrown out of said hotel. Rich father pays for another hotel. Boy wants to watch football the whole time, cause you know, vacations are basically like real life except you don’t have to work. Rich girl wants to talk about the sights, history and whatever else even though boy has never expressed interest in it. Rich boy swoops in, takes her to some other dude’s house and almost succeeds in smooching her. Boy finds out and almost cheats with ditzy girl. 

Rich girl and boy fall out and break up. Aw. Diddums. 

They fly back to Good Ol’ America. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it’s over until it isn’t and WOO they love each other YAY! 

It was your standard romantic comedy and it aged surprisingly well. The plot was fairly stupid and predictable, but not offensively so. And it was far better than the next movie on my list (hint: also stars Ashton Kutcher), so I’ll take it. I’d even maybe but probably never watch it again. 

It gets a snark approval rating of: 5/10. Aren’t I generous?

who remembers lindsay lohan’s music?


I have a confession to make.

I Decide by Lindsay Lohan is still my jam.

I can even get down to Rumors.

Over was another, uh, classic. Or something.

She’s no Hilary Duff, but you know, it wasn’t all bad. It wasn’t great but you know, at least she tried. The furthest I’ve gotten is singing to myself at midnight (all fun and games until you realize that there’s a person in that car across the street).

Yeah, anyway, I just felt like I should admit to this. I should probably end the post here.

is this thing on?


I don’t post much here these days mostly because I recently just got back into watching TV and movies etc. Before I was watching In Living Color and MadTV skits on YouTube for two months straight. Oh and I watched three seasons of the Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men era.

It was a dark period for me.

I will have more reviews up soon hopefully. I just started watching The Arrangement, a dumb show on E! about dumb people being creepy and dumb. I watched the first season of Scream Queens and I liked it. If there was ever a show made with me in mind, it’s that one. Hilarious stuff.

I tried Night Of which is a dull HBO show. I will try to finish it, but… yeah, it was a bit dry. Maybe it’ll pick up.

I’m also making my way through That 70s Show. The main question I have is what happened to Topher Grace? He used to look cute and now he… well, anyway, it’s Sunday, so I’ll be kind and move on. It’s a funny show. I don’t think I ever watched it as a kid, it was slightly before my time.

In terms of Supernatural, I’m still on hiatus. Here’s an example of some recent Google search terms that have led to my blog.

Why is Supernatural still on?

I wish I knew. I wish we all knew.

Jared Padalecki is a douchebag

I guess nothing has changed? Lol, that’s quite a common search term. Oh, well. I merely reported on his actions. I’m the innocent one here.

Moving on, I’m on hiatus with a lot of shows. Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Chicago Bakery, Gotham. I keep seeing adverts for Gotham and it looks good, but… anyway, one day.

I also never finished The Mentalist which saddens me.

Apparently not enough to finish it, but you never know, one day.

One day. 

Bad Products, cont. 


It’s that time once again. I recommend the products, you decide which one is the least ridiculous and get yourself something special!

1. For the handyman coffee enthusiasts I present the Power Tool Battery Coffee Maker.

Power Tool Battery Coffee Maker CM501DZ means you’ll never be short of a cup of coffee even on a construction site, as long as you have a drill or other power tool lying around

(more…)

Bad Moviethon #1 [REPOST]


(POTENTIALLY) BAD MOVIETHON

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

#1 POINT BREAK [REMAKE]

maxresdefault

SUMMARYA young FBI agent infiltrates an extraordinary team of extreme sports athletes he suspects of masterminding a string of unprecedented, sophisticated corporate heists.

WHY I’M WATCHING IT: You know when you watch a trailer and you’re just mystified by what you’re seeing and at the same time, it looks really bright and sunny and PRETTY! And then you finally process it and your reaction is WOW. Just wow. Yeah, that was mine when watching the PB remake trailer. Followed by WHY? And then, ‘Yeah, I don’t think too many people are going to pay to sit through this shit…’ (more…)

SIX (History Channel)


The series chronicles the operations and daily lives of operators who are part of the U.S. Naval Special Warfare Development Group (DEVGRU), more commonly known as SEAL Team Six, which is one of the U.S. Armed Forces’ primary counter-terrorism units. [Wikipedia]

I only watched this show for one reason and one reason only. 

Kyle. Freaking. Schmid. 

Imagine my disappointment when I saw he was playing yet another drunken lothario type (although, it’s not like anyone else remembers Copper). Still, his hair is adorable so I forgive him. 

I have one major issue with this show. It uses a very real and still ongoing crisis as the backrop and falls into that white saviour bullshit extremely easily. It was borderline offensive. Completely distasteful and next time, they should maybe pick another crisis. 

To give you a quick summary, we meet the team in Afghanistan. They are looking for a known terrorist but they don’t find him. Instead they end up shooting an American in cold blood. In front of his brother. They destroy the camera footage and apparently forget all about the witness to the crime. 

Years later, the guy that shot the American – RIP – is working security and no longer part of the team. He’s in Nigeria with some people who will be renovating a girl’s school and want to do a photo op. Before that can happen, Boko Haram storm in and kidnap everyone.

In Dubai, the brother of the dead American (Michael) is working with ISIS. When he learns that Rip has been kidnapped, he does his best to get a hold of him. That happens, and we’re forced to watch as the poor girls are dragged from one place to another. 

Eventually, after taking a very long time, the SEAL team are sent in to rescue them. It takes about three attempts, but they do. At this point the teacher of the kidnapped girls seems to think that Rip is some kind of hero. Everyone lives happy even after. 

Until the last scene where an American girl that Michael had been grooming magically finds Rip and shoots him in cold blood. 

Questionable plot aside, the show was easy to watch. Time flew by and it’s good background noise. I’ll probably watch the second season. It’s nothing special…It has the same propaganda-ish feel that these shows generally do. And it was stupid. So stupid. The side plots were the worst part. 

We have one guy trying to pay for his kids tuition. One guy is finally leaving his deadbeat father status behind him. One is trying for a baby (until his wife leaves him). The worst part has to be when one the team members dies. At his wake, the duaghter of the deadbeat dad finds video of her deadbeat father ‘comforting’ the widow. 

Is this a soap opera or a serious show?? The narrative is a little confused. I also didn’t care for the fifty-eleven flashbacks. I’m curious to see how they approach season two. 

Verdict: 5/10. Worth it mostly for Kyle Schmid’s hair. 

Valentine’s Days gifts that you SHOULD have bought!


I’m on something of a hiatus at the moment, but I figured that I’d swing by and give you some love. By the way, if you went to see Fifty Shades Freed in honour of Valentine’s Day non-ironically, there’s something wrong with you. 
What you should have done instead is bought one of these….

The Brassiere Eye Mask

This is literally some shit out of Fifty Shades of Fuck No. 

Poking fun at Japan’s rather unfair reputation for harboring too many men with strange fetishes, the Brassiere Eye Mask is an amusing way to catch some shut-eye. We’ve all heard those tales of used panties and underwear thieves. Sure, there are a few out there, but the media would have us think that the whole nation was engaged in these, ahem, hobbies. The truth is rather more mundane. Fortunately for fans of the bizarre, Village Vanguard is here with a hilarious eye mask (available in three colors) in the shape of a miniature bra that sits snugly over your face. When you say you got it from Japan, all your coworkers and friends’ questions will be answered!

Oh dear.

The next item is even more bizarre. 

Toilet Noise Blocker Flushing Sound Gadget

It is one of the peculiarities of the Japanese (mostly women, but also men): they’re very self-conscious when it comes to the noises they make when they are on the toilet. Many Westerners are too, of course, but not to the extent that they create a device that makes the sound of flushing water to cover the sound their bodies make. Yes, the On Serebu Toilet Noise Blocker is one such gadget!

Mate, I don’t give a crap what people are doing in the toilet. I think the constant sound of flushing water would drive me berserk, though. WEIRD. 

The next item is for those of you have crazy cat lovers in your life. 

Cat Tail Jeans

The Cat Tail Jeans is your new way to have fun with your pet. Created by cat-themed brand fashion Felissimo and Rinrin Yamano, a manga artist whose cute illustrations have appeared on many Felissimo products, the jeans are especially thick so kittens and cats can latch onto your legs with their claws without causing physical pain to the wearer. And your cat will love trying to get at the mini tail that you attach to the jeans so it swings as you move, attracting their attention. There are also long, pleated pockets that your feline friend will enjoy trying to climb up. The jeans are available in six sizes.

You know what, let us move on because I have nothing to say. 

Exposed Butt T-shirt

This is a shirt for women, right? I’m going to pretend that this is for your average hen do or bachelorette party…No?

Give yourself the, ahem, butt of your dreams, whether you are a guy or a girl, with this Mousou Exposed Butt T-Shirt. On the front of the white shirt sits a cute female rear in panties, exposed to the whole world for all to see… on your chest. This hilarious parody clothing will be a big hit at parties, when walking down the street, or whenever you really want to surprise your coworkers.

…surprise your co-workers? Where does this potential stupid shirt owner work? Frats’R’Us?

Onto our last product which has to be the second most bizarre…

Toenail Art Polish Stockings

In Japan Toenail Art Polish Stockings are taking over in the same way that “tattoo leggings” did a few years ago! Led by retailers like Belle Maison, girls around Tokyo are leaving their nail polish in the drawer and instead slipping on these “fake toe nail” stockings that create even more striking effects on their feet than regular cosmetics! Here you can choose between six types of “pre-painted” stockings: Paint, Line Candy, Tile Flower, Mermaid, Flamingo, or Sunny Shower. There are also two sizes. And since the stocking have separate toes they are more comfortable to wear and better for your feet.

…..

Stockings with separate toes?? With nail art. Put enough liquor in me and I could possibly get to the stage where I have to enter my PayPal details. Hopefully, I would have sobered up by the point. 

Anyway, yes. Feel free to splurge. 

Happy Belated Valentine’s Day!