snark

Upside Down (or, yet another product that we really don’t need)


Greetings, snarklings!

I’m back with another wacky Japanese product. This one is truly astounding.

Unbrella.

An upside down umbrella.

Look, even if I wanted to buy one – and at $192, I’d rather eat my own hair – why would I when I could go out in the wind and bag myself a semi-free and real upside down umbrella. It’s not real unless you’re drenched and fighting with the umbrella. It’s not real until you admit defeat and close the umbrella and accept that you’re going to get soaked. It’s not real until a piece of metal is sticking out.


Okay, first of all, the wet part inside? Why would we want that? It makes sense for it to be outside because that way the—you know what, I’m over thinking it.

This is no gimmick or joke

Pedant’s corner says: ACTUALLY, IT KINDA IS!


….is this how people close their umbrellas? I never get wet when closing mine. Simple solution – hold it as far away from your person as possible. I love how they’re really trying to sell this, lol!

I bet the designer got back some dodgy umbrellas from the factory and they were like, ‘a ha! Want not waste not. Upside down umbrella. Boom. Unbrella. Boom. $192. Double boom.’

No one will forget you in the rain when you unleash this umbrella

Yes… because they’ll be wondering who the moron with the ridiculous umbrella is and why they’ve wasted their money on it.

Also, what happens if it’s windy and the wind turns the unbrella into an umbrella? No wait. An upside down unbrella. At least I assume that’s what will happen. It’s either that or it’ll erupt into a ball of glitter.

Bad Moviethon #7 – The Perfect Guy


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #7

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

The Perfect Guy | 2015 | IMDB

Plot:

With a fulfilling career and a loving relationship, lobbyist Leah Vaughn (Sanaa Lathan) seems to have it all. Things come crashing down when Dave, her long-term boyfriend, questions her future plans for marriage and a family. The resulting breakup leaves Leah heartbroken, until she meets the charming and handsome Carter Duncan (Michael Ealy). Soon, the budding romance turns dangerous as Carter reveals his volatile nature, forcing Leah to turn the tables on the man she thought was Mr. Right.

Rotten Tomatoes score: 19%

Review excerpt:

The unsure tone screams that this is a director embarrassed by the film he’s making.

First of all, Michael Ealy.

Secondly, Sanaa Lathan’s hair and wardrobe were on point.

The movie begins with Leah being all domestic with her boyfriend before she breaks up with him because he’s not ready to propose. Sometime soon, she bumps into some guy callee Carter at a coffee shop. Well. More like she turned around and he was grinning at her creepily. It was like he was paid by smile and crazy eyes because there was a lot of that in the opening half an hour. Although, Michael Ealy’s smile and crazy eyes would probably work on me too. Anyway, there’s so iced coffee related flirting stuff (I think that’s what it was supposed to be).

Anyway, after that, Carter saves her from some douche at a bar. They have dinner and things progress. They go dancing and they end up hooking up in the bathroom (recipe for disaster and also unsanitary) and they begin dating. Carter charms her parents, her friends, her cat. Everybody in nearby distance.

At one point I’m sure that someone dreamily says that he seems too good to be true. 

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stupid and senseless: don’t pizza lecki off


It’s the General Election Day in the UK! Apparently the Conservatives are on course to win…

…and if they do I will probably join the circus. It was nice knowing you all!
It’s also Comey Testifies Day in the US! And World’s Oceans Day. And… World’s Brain Tumour Day (I didn’t know that!)

It’s also I need a break from politics and shitty life day.

So, I’m going to revisit my favourite person who I have neglected of late due to apathy and having better things to do.

Here’s a post about Jared Padalecki being stupid.

Now I want pizza

Long story short: Jared ordered food using Favor. It didn’t turn up. He got pissed, huffed and puffed and took his complaints to Twitter.

I have no idea what happened past that his food didn’t show up, and he was annoyed.

Somehow he got talking to customer service and this tweet happened:

Dearest @ Favor “Kobe” at customer support needs to be fired. I’m sure he’d land happily with @united.

First of all dearest? What is this a greeting card? A letter to a long list friend? How courtship began in the 1950s? How do you waste seven out of one hundred and forty characters on dearest? His Twitter game is all the way off. Personally, I would have gone for a succinct ‘Yo’ or ‘Oi’. There’s passive aggressiveness and then there’s concision. The latter is more important.

Also, why – why – is he posting this person’s name on Twitter? Hasn’t he learnt? Oh, that’s right. Dude doesn’t give a fuck.

The tweet was posted (and deleted) in April. I didn’t see it back then, although, I did hear about it. I didn’t realise he straight up said the dude needed to be fired. For something that’s probably not his fault. And the ‘land happily with @united‘. I can’t work out what that was.

He wants Kobe to be violently mishandled off or onto a plane or just in general?

Or he thinks Kobe will land a job at United due to his poor customer service skills?

Or he’s just an idiot who really didn’t need to bring up United at all?

Correct answer wins a prize.

I saw the Pada Defense Warrior League hard at work. They insisted that Jared would never wish violence on anyone and that he felt horrible about what happened to the man on that United plane. And that he was within his rights to complain, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Something tells me that Jared felt more vindicated than horrible* when he saw that video. He was probably thinking, “THIS IS HOW TERRIBLY THEY TREAT ME MINUS THE VIOLENCE AND STUFF!!!!!!!!!”.
Everyone on his contact list probably got that video plus an essay about his unfair treatment.

Dearest Friends, if you haven’t yet had an opportunity to see this disgraceful act, here you go. Much of this justifies my complaints over the years!!!!!! I mean, weather delays, being forced to check a bag and every other petty thing imaginable almost equals the severity of this video when you add them all up and take into account my pain and suffering!….

Jim Beaver was also going at it with some fan, claiming that Jared has a right to complain. People were surprised, but Jim Beaver is never the voice of reason. Ever. That dude has no sense. I know I should respect my elders but people like him make it hard

I’m sure Kobe is just fine, but I am truly disturbed (yet not surprised) that Jared has no problem belittling people in this way. I’m disturbed that so many people think this is okay.

He talks about treating people fairly and kindly but doesn’t do the same to people he deems unworthy. No one who works in customer service is paid enough to deal with the bullshit. Sometimes, there’s absolutely nothing they can do, and customers getting pushy won’t change that.

On the flip side, yes customer support workers can be flippant and they shouldn’t be, but I probably would be too. You’re basically listening to people complain all day long. Sometimes as a human being (who breathes oxygen), you have to consider that the other person is just doing their job and that job doesn’t involve kissing your ass.

Like I’ve said before, the common denominator in Jared’s bad customer service experiences is him.

Anyway, if it’s alright for Jared to do it, I’m going to tweet the CW** and demand that they fire Jared because he’s annoying.

Hopefully he lands happily @ somewhere far away from any television screen.

*I’m joking, wildly speculating, opinion, didn’t happen, please don’t sue, or leave abusive messages etc etc. 

**Not actually going to do this. See above. 

bad captions 


Bad Captions 

‘Cause I like to complain about everything. And I’m bored.

Not THIS kind of caption. Trump’s bad caption would be #TIFU #Covfefe #FakeNews.

I’m talking about social media captions. I’m not the best caption writer, but some people go overboard.

We’ve got:

the random quote

…. Thank you? Half of the time, the quote is completely unrelated to the picture posted. I don’t see what your face has to do with people finding themselves. Do the respectable thing and post a stock photo. Or your own quote. Or none of the above. (more…)

That Girl Is On Fire


I will just jump right into it.

An all-natural treatment for women looking to rejuvenate and tighten their vagina is giving doctors serious cause for concern – ground-up wasp nests.

The Etsy retailer that Dr Gunter found selling the oak galls – Heritage Health Shop – claimed that they could improve sex lives and be used on cuts with a warning that the paste will hurt.

“Here’s a pro-tip, if something burns when you apply it to the vagina it is generally bad for the vagina,” Dr Gunter added.

You can read more about this here if you’re so inclined. I personally have nothing to add because I REFUSE. REFUUUUUUUUSE.  Absolutely refuse to believe that any woman would be this fucking stupid.  (more…)

What a typo to be alive


I tend to get a bunch of news alerts while not on my phone, and one I got today was about the horrible terrorist attack in Afghanistan. The numbers I saw were 80 dead and 350 injured. I flicked through my news apps but it was buried under stuff about Trump and climate change, Macron, UK election news etc.

I went on BBC, just to see what else was going on and stumbled onto an article about what ‘covfefe‘ meant.

I was trying to kill time so I saw through it, my frown burrowing as the article got decreasingly funny.

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What Could Go Wrong?


Picture this.

You’ve just gotten home. You’re bursting to use the toilet. You rush in, there’s no toilet paper and if you’re me, you utter every swear word in existence…

…and mutter something about how stupid humanity is…

omg what is this hair

….before somehow finding one last burst of energy to sort of shimmy over to where the spare rolls are kept.

If you’re one of those people that keeps spare rolls in the toilet, well…you might need to put a BOLO (be on the lookout) on the white thing that’s actually toilet paper.  (more…)

My Discovery of Hick Hop


First of all, what the ever loving Reba Kid Rock Blake Shelton (all the country artists I know) fuck is Hick Hop?

Country rap is a subgenre of popular music blending country music with hip hop-style rapping, also known as hick-hop or rural rap.

Oh.

But…

WHAT IS THIS.  (more…)

He Ate The Best Chocolates


Hello snarklings!

Trump’s big boy trip threw up some more chance encounters. I think I read an article on USA Today that claimed that he had shown discipline on the trip and that the real drama would start as soon as he has access to FOX News again. Discipline? That’s like saying Tom is disciplined when he’s not chasing Jerry. But I admire their optimism.  (more…)

The Game (The CW/BET)


Recently, I sat down and watched all nine seasons of this show (and now I’m offloading this post. Feel free to ignore it, it’s mostly for my own benefit, lol). 

The first thing I thought was:

Ah, back when there were black people on The CW!

It’s true, though. The CW literally whitewashed itself. 

Anyway, onto the plot:

While their men try to hone their gridiron talents on the field, the wives and girlfriends of pro football players sharpen their own skills behind the scenes when it comes to the power plays they have to use to get their guys the best agents, the best endorsements, the best merchandising deals — even the “in” charity. And then there’s the groupies around every corner, and the oh-so-helpful “image consultants” ready and eager to perform a makeover for any player in trouble

The show is more or less what the summary says with the addition of a whole host of stereotypes. However, the first three seasons were relatively funny. I think my favourite thing was Rick Fox playing himself. The main issue I had was with Melanie, the show’s main character for the first five seasons. She moves to San Diego over going to medical school at John Hopkins and doesn’t hesitate to let anyone else know (earning the name ‘Med School’). She’s dating Derwin Davis, the church-going, innocent rookie that’s just joined the fictional San Diego Sabers. She’s rude, judgemental and extremely annoying. Why is there always a lack of reasonable, relatable female characters on TV? They’re either a hot mess or overachievers. And annoying

I need a sort of lukewarm mess that has a unique outlook on life that I can relate to. Is that so hard?

Well, then again, maybe I should stop relating to fictional characters? That might be a plan. 

After some back and forth, Derwin ends up cheating on her with Drew Sidora and everything spirals from there. They break up and get back together. They break up and get back together. They get engaged and break that too. Rinse. Repeat. I’m sure the fans loved them but I was over it after the second season. Skip along to the third season and Derwin’s ex-girlfriend is pregnant. It only got worse from there. 

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