movies

Bad Movie Marathon #3: ‘Playing It Cool (2014)’ or the one where I abandoned the recap. 


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(POTENTIALLY)

BAD MOVIE MARATHON #3

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

[previous movie]

I was going to watch Gigli next but I literally burst into laughter and repeated ‘I can’t do it’ about four time so. Expect a recap of that. I have issues. But right now my next pick is Batman & Robin!


This is the slowest marathon ever, I apologise.

Anyway! (more…)

Bad Movie Marathon #2: Scooby-Doo (2004)


pbmm

(POTENTIALLY)

BAD MOVIE MARATHON #2

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

[previous movie]


Scooby-Doo | 2002

Yup. You read that right, lol.

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Zoinks! Two years after a clash of egos forced Mystery Inc. to close its doors, Scooby-Doo and his clever crime-solving cohorts Fred (Freddie Prinze Jr.), Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar), Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) and Velma (Linda Cardellini) are individually summoned to Spooky Island to investigate a series of paranormal incidents at the ultra-hip Spring Break hot spot.

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Rotten Tomatoes rating: 30%

Review excerpt: The acting is stiff, the story lacks all trace of wit, the sets look like they were borrowed from Gilligan’s Island — and the CGI Scooby might well be the worst special-effects creation of the year. (more…)

snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’


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Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins

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A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

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snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘A Deadly Adoption’


A Deadly Adoption | Lifetime (2015)

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A distanced couple decide to take in a seemingly innocent pregnant woman in hopes of adopting her unborn child. However, there is more to a book than its cover.


I love a good Lifetime movie. They always tend to follow a similar pattern. There’s a husband of good social standing; a wife who’s either a nag or as interesting as cardboard. There’s a young heathen, who inevitably ends up dead or jailed, who tempts the husband and usually gets a little clingy. The husband has a huge revelation and realises that he loves the wife because she’s sane. The wife also gets to prove that she’s strong by (usually) taking down the young heathen. And then husband and wife live happily ever after!
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Film Reviews: ‘Edge Of Winter’, ‘Pacific Rim’ & ‘The Boy Next Door’


I don’t know why every movie I end up seeing is pants, but well. Apparently I am drawn to pants.
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the stuff is in the stuff bag (or, the long list of TV shows that I’ve been watching)


I’ve been busy but bizarrely enough that’s usually when I do my most TV watching – background noise and all that. Anyway, here’s a quick run-down.

RUSH HOUR: This just started recently and I kind of love it. I shouldn’t but I do anyway. They won me over with their ‘Asian Orlando Bloom’ line. The first episode borrowed heavily for the movies – the rogue sibling and dodgy law enforcement and stolen statues but I think it was still decent. The first movie will always be a classic. I adore the show. Buddy-cop is my genre. It’s the GENRE. It never gets old. People should just embrace it. [ETA: It was cancelled and pulled off schedule until July. SO RUDE.]


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snarkview: DEAD 7 (AKA The Backstreet Boys and [not really] Nsync movie)


Yes, as promised I am going to sort of recap and review Dead 7 for my one reader. Which is me, so. Self – this is for you. I took about 36 different screenshots during this shit, so this post will be image heavy. There are some NSFW ones, so that will all be under a cut. Sigh.


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Nick Carter provides us with a helpful voiceover that I sort of didn’t listen to. He’s playing someone called Jack and Joey Fatone is called Whiskey Joe. Oh, and Nick’s wife is in this too. Hopefully her acting is better her than it was on their reality show. There’s some kinda theme song that’s kinda cool. The villain appears to be a bald woman….thing…I don’t know, but she is called Apocalyptica.

 

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boo!

 

She kills some dude that she has locked in a cell. She kind of pulls some faces at him and turns him into a zombie by giving him what looks like a bite of a human kidney. Apparently he’s now the flesh of the undead. There is some evil laughter.

Oh…and this movie has chapters? Alright, Nick, I’mma let you begin at least.

STORY BY NICK CARTER. #WhatAboutEvilBlessingsNick?

AJ Maclean is riding around on a horse yelling, ‘Come on, we’ve got people to eat’. Somewhere, Brian and Kevin are just sitting back, silently thankful that they’re not in this mess. AJ Maclean and his band of zombies attack some kind of tavern. AJ’s idea of evil is basically manic laughter and white face paint. All that’s missing is a ‘Y SO SERIOUS?’. While AJ’N’Zombies are going crazy, a lone ranger is running around taking on zombies one at a time until his gun jams and someone called Daisy Jane (his girlfriend?) turns up to save him.

DAISY JANE? I’m surprised Nick didn’t call her Candy Cane, as a nod to Aaron. AJ shows up and  cackles incoherently. I can’t understand a word he’s saying because it’s just ‘mumble mumble he he he he he he he he he’. The lone ranger and Candy Cane gag him and…take him with them as opposed to killing him. In the jail house, AJ is talking coherently but saying all of the usual villainous guff and he he he he he he heeeee *bangs head on wall*. I’m 12 minutes in and that laughter is already REALLY annoying.

This is already worse than the five minutes of Minotaur that I had the misfortune of seeing. That was the same day my Tom Hardy marathon ended, FYI. It was some Meatloaf kind of realness. I’d watch anything for my crush-of-the-moment (but I won’t watch that).

Click ‘Continue Reading‘ for the rest of the post.

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My body, mind and soul are ready


SO, SO, SO, SOOOOOOO READY. 

I will be recapping this for my three readers.

LOOK AT THAT FAUXSTACHE. God bless Nick Carter. He will always be the superior Carter brother (Aaron is currently lost, but he will find his way back. I would DM him on Twitter but I’m scared at the prospect of his response – I hear he flashed his bum on some form of social media recently. No bueno).

Howie, boo, I hope you’re debt-free. I will forgive you this one lapse. Well. Second. His 90s goatee wasn’t the best choice.

Joey Fatone. Well. He’s no stranger to SyFy. I remember his three seconds in Jersey Shore Shark Attack. He also looks like a young-ish Jim Beaver on this poster. LMAO.

AJ.  Born to be a villain. But not born to have that awful make-up on his face.

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I love that the tagline is LARGER THAN LIFE! I suppose LARGER THAN DIRTY POP! Or I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY! would not have worked as well.

Anyway, it’s okay, Nick. I forgive you…I am sure it is contextual and everything….

….cause that makes you laaaaaaaaarger than liiiiiiiiifeeeeeee!

Legend (2015)


I recall being sort of excited about Legend before but the novelty of Double Tom Hardy wore off around the time the movie came out. Probably because I remembered why I don’t really fangirl over any of these people anymore. There are a myriad of reasons why I never made an attempt to see it, but I won’t even go into it. Actors are actors and real people who suck as much as the rest of us. It would be really great if society didn’t pretend that wasn’t the case, but what can you do? All I can do personally is take everything and everyone at face value and judge them by what’s on the screen because the only thing ‘real’ about most actors is the fact that they’re acting.

Anyway, soapbox aside, I wasn’t very sold on the concept of this movie for several reasons. The first being that The Krays story has been told many, many times and it isn’t even an interesting story. They were gangsters. They did gangster stuff. One was a little bit ‘off his rocker’ and they both ended up in jail. And as I suspected, the writer did his best to ‘humanize’ at least one of them, to the point where it was almost kind of jarring when he went kind of crazy. Perhaps that was the point, but again, I was really just wondering what the story was here. (more…)