Tag: movies

Bad Moviethon #12 – Vanilla Sky


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Vanilla Sky | 2001

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Bad Moviethon #10 – A Cinderella Story (2004)


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #10

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score.

A Cinderella Story

IMDB | 2004

Plot:

Sam (Hilary Duff), a teenager in California, is obliged to work as a janitor and dishwasher in the diner of her stepmother (Jennifer Coolidge). After a cell phone mix-up, Sam begins an anonymous text-messaging and e-mail relationship with a boy. They agree to meet at a school dance, but when Sam finds out that her secret pen pal is none other than Austin Ames (Chad Michael Murray), the cutest boy in school, she panics and looks for a way to make herself cooler.

Review Excerpts:

You can say of this movie, truly, that they took the most famous tale in the world and broke it.

Let me get quickly to the word that best describes this movie. It is horrible.

Haaaaarsh.

Technically, I refuse to call this a bad movie because it’s a classic, but it has a rating of 11% on Rotten Tomatoes.

On behalf of Chad Michael Murray’s astounding acting ability, I am offended. Heck, Hilary Duff doesn’t deserve that either.

Anyway, I loved this movie when I was a kid. I learnt how to make DVDs with this movie. Actually, I have a VCD with this movie on it. If you don’t know what a VCD is, you haven’t lived. This movie basically set me up for a life where I could use computer software without getting confused. I will cherish it forever. 

Plot wise, this movie is uh, well, I’ll give you a brief recap.

Recap

The plot of this movie is basically – Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff have been texting and Iming each other but they don’t know what they look like. In real life, he’s the star quarterback and popular guy and she works at the diner her Dad owned before he died, has an awful stepmother and two terrible stepsisters.

They agree to meet on Halloween at a dance. Sam is unable to go until the last last minute when she turns up as Cinderella, complete with a face mask that does little to disguise who she is.

Despite that Austin has no idea who she is. Once it hits midnight, she runs back to the diner and conveniently drops her cellphone.

In true creeper fashion, Austin puts up posters requesting that people call him if they know anything about Cinderella. Cue lots of girls trying to make out likd they’re Cinderella just to get with Austin.

Eventually, Sam’s sisters find out, tell Austin’s ex-girlfriend, and they group together to humiliate her and Austin in front of the entire school by reading their emails out loud and revealing that Sam is Cinderella. Shock horror, the star quarterback is secretly in love with diner girl!

By the way, we keep hearing about a drought throughout the movie….

Classic line

…so…fast forward to the end and Austin skips out on The Biggest Game Of His Life™ to stop Sam from leaving and the skies open and it rains like it’s never rained before.

They go to Princeton together and live happily ever after.

Woo!

I see three main reasons why it got an 11%

1. The script sounds like it was written by someone who had never stepped foot in a high school.

2. The acting leaves a lot to be desired. Hilary is on point (let’s face it, she’s always on point) and Chad Michael Murray is good looking enough for me to overlook any less than stellar performance (plus his brooding pensive look is also on point), but the rest of them kind of sucked.

3. They used a terrible cover of a Jesse McCartney song, unless that was him singing and there’s something wrong with my ears.

4. Teenage love ending the drought? Really? Seriously? Cringe alert.

5. Somehow Sam manages to work before school and after school and whenever her stepmother requires it and still be a straight A student. I’m not saying that’s impossible, but it’s a stretch.

6. The annoying best friend was annoying.

7. It’s a comedy, but it’s more of a laugh at the movie than laugh with the movie kinda deal.

8. Most of the movie doesn’t make any real sense. The premise is that Austin ends up looking for Sam, but she didn’t disguise her voice and her eyes were all that was covered. The next time he sees her, he should recognise her. If he had selective hearing, I’d get it, but he’s the star quarterback with perfect grades, perfect cheekbone structure and perfect eyesight. There’s no reason why he wouldn’t know it was her.

9. She dropped her cellphone. I get it, that’s the modern equivalent of leaving your shoe behind, but once again, all Austin had to do was call a number on the phone to figure out who his mystery girl was. Maybe Sam didn’t have any minutes, but she definitely has texting credit (and presumably texts from other people). It’s a bit like having a key for three doors. You have to try them all to figure out which door they key is for. That’s commonly known as common sense, but I guess that doesn’t translate well on-screen.

10. I love how I said three main reasons and then wrote nine. Anyway, the most visible teacher in this movie was some odd woman who has a crush on one of the students, is generally incompetent and serves no real purpose in the movie.

11. At the end of the movie, something ‘drops’ out of a book that Sam’s father gave her. His original will. This just conveniently happens after she snags herself a boyfriend. Apparently Chad Michael Murray is the key to finally being able to claim your inheritance, who knew? It seems odd that she’d have that book for years and never drop it, but that’s just me seeing things through my clumsy lense.

All of that being said, the movie is still entertaining and I feel like it aged well. It deserves way more than 11%! I’d give it 50 at least. I mean, the epic kiss at the close of the movie ENDED THE DROUGHT! You’ve got to give them props for that. True love conquers all. Even the weather.

Verdict: 5/10

Bad Moviethon #8-9: R.I.P.D. (2013)/Space Jam (1997)


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #8-9

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

R.I.P.D. | 2013 | IMDB

Veteran lawman Roy Pulsifer (Jeff Bridges) works for the R.I.P.D., a legendary police force charged with finding monstrous spirits who are disguised as ordinary people but are trying to avoid their final judgment by hiding out among the living. When Roy and his new partner, Nick Walker (Ryan Reynolds), uncover a plot that could end all life, they must discover a way to restore the cosmic balance or else watch the tunnel to the afterlife start sending angry souls back to the world of the living.

Rotten Tomatoes: 13%

Review excerpt: So generic a cut-and-paste job is the film’s every aesthetic cue, it’s surprising to even find a director’s name surface in the closing credits.

FINALLY. This was supposed to be #2!

Verdict: I had to quit after half an hour because whatever Jeff Bridges was doing gave me a headache and it was just boring. 

Also, why can’t Kevin Bacon ever play a good guy? The Following does not count.
Anyway, the writing was on the wall when the opening scene was some nonsense about an orange tree and Ryan Reynolds frolicking in bed with his girl. That’s nice and all but not really the best way to entice the viewer.

Next, we hear about how Ryan Reynolds can’t keep the gold that he and his partner (Kevin Bacon) found. So, not only have they not turned this gold in, they’re contemplating keeping it? And Ryan Reynolds sees no issue with telling said – and now potentially corrupt – partner that they have to turn the gold in. Not only that, he then goes back on the road with him and surprise surprise – his partner kills him.

From there the movie takes a drastic turn. Ryan Reynolds becomes an RIPD rookie, T-Bone from Prison Break shows up. From whatever the fuck Jeff Bridges was doing (is that how he sounds or was this accent put on for this movie? You know what, I don’t even want to know) to the fact that they appear as a busty blonde woman and an old Chinese man back on Earth – I quickly realised that this movie is deserving of it’s status as a bad movie.

I think I sat through more of the horrible Point Break remake which is saying something.

Moving on….

Yo, this movie is either the worst film ever or the best worst film ever but I enjoyed it.
Anyway, let’s get the formalities out of the way first.

Space Jam | 1997 | IMDB

Swackhammer (Danny DeVito), an evil alien theme park owner, needs a new attraction at Moron Mountain. When his gang, the Nerdlucks, heads to Earth to kidnap Bugs Bunny (Billy West) and the Looney Tunes, Bugs challenges them to a basketball game to determine their fate. The aliens agree, but they steal the powers of NBA basketball players, including Larry Bird (Larry Bird) and Charles Barkley (Charles Barkley) — so Bugs gets some help from superstar Michael Jordan (Michael Jordan).

Review excerptVisually, it’s a mess: the attempts to blend 2- and 3-D animation with live-action and computer-generated images produce scenes that are fuzzier than the storyline.

Rotten Tomatoes %: 37

~

This movie doesn’t make much sense from the offset. In fact, it’s a little slow to begin. We see a young Michael Jordan say that he wants to win championships and baseball. We see him flying and various clips of his career, we see his retirement announcement and the beginning of his baseball career and then suddenly…

We are transferred into the alien theme park, wherein, the boss wants the Looney Tunes to be his latest attraction. He sends these tiny aliens to capture the Looney Tunes. After LOLing at them, the tiny aliens show that they actually have some serious juice… Just not enough to go up against the Looney Tunes in a basketball match. So the aliens steal the talent of some top basketball players. And the Looney Tunes steal Michael Jordan.

There is lots of breaking the fourth wall in this. In one memorable scene, Daffy and Bugs gripe about how they don’t see any money from the Looney Tunes lunch boxes or merch, which means that they need to get better agents. LOL.

Oh and the acting… well….good thing that MJ decided that Hollywood wasn’t for him. His lines were delivered with about as much gusto as my first words of any given day before I’ve had coffee. Stiff and awkward. Everyone else is just as bad.

All in all this movie is like a bad acid trip, but the final basketball match is quite funny. My favourite part is when Bugs Bunny tricks the rest of the  Looney Tunes into taking ‘secret stuff’ to help them improve on court, but it’s only water.

It was funny because I didn’t realise it was water until a harried Michael Jordan was informing a clueless Daffy Duck. 😂 In my defence, I was half asleep… lol.

The Looney Tunes manage to win the game, but only with the help of  some HILARIOUSLY bad special effects and Bill Murray.
Verdict: 8/10

Yeah, you read that right. It should have a 50% RT score at least!

Bad Moviethon #7 – The Perfect Guy


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #7

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

The Perfect Guy | 2015 | IMDB

Plot:

With a fulfilling career and a loving relationship, lobbyist Leah Vaughn (Sanaa Lathan) seems to have it all. Things come crashing down when Dave, her long-term boyfriend, questions her future plans for marriage and a family. The resulting breakup leaves Leah heartbroken, until she meets the charming and handsome Carter Duncan (Michael Ealy). Soon, the budding romance turns dangerous as Carter reveals his volatile nature, forcing Leah to turn the tables on the man she thought was Mr. Right.

Rotten Tomatoes score: 19%

Review excerpt:

The unsure tone screams that this is a director embarrassed by the film he’s making.

First of all, Michael Ealy.

Secondly, Sanaa Lathan’s hair and wardrobe were on point.

The movie begins with Leah being all domestic with her boyfriend before she breaks up with him because he’s not ready to propose. Sometime soon, she bumps into some guy callee Carter at a coffee shop. Well. More like she turned around and he was grinning at her creepily. It was like he was paid by smile and crazy eyes because there was a lot of that in the opening half an hour. Although, Michael Ealy’s smile and crazy eyes would probably work on me too. Anyway, there’s so iced coffee related flirting stuff (I think that’s what it was supposed to be).

Anyway, after that, Carter saves her from some douche at a bar. They have dinner and things progress. They go dancing and they end up hooking up in the bathroom (recipe for disaster and also unsanitary) and they begin dating. Carter charms her parents, her friends, her cat. Everybody in nearby distance.

At one point I’m sure that someone dreamily says that he seems too good to be true. 

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Bad Movie Marathon #3: ‘Playing It Cool (2014)’ or the one where I abandoned the recap. 


pbmm

(POTENTIALLY)

BAD MOVIE MARATHON #3

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

[previous movie]

I was going to watch Gigli next but I literally burst into laughter and repeated ‘I can’t do it’ about four time so. Expect a recap of that. I have issues. But right now my next pick is Batman & Robin!


This is the slowest marathon ever, I apologise.

Anyway! (more…)

snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’


s-v

Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins

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A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

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snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘A Deadly Adoption’


A Deadly Adoption | Lifetime (2015)

adeadlyadoption1

A distanced couple decide to take in a seemingly innocent pregnant woman in hopes of adopting her unborn child. However, there is more to a book than its cover.


I love a good Lifetime movie. They always tend to follow a similar pattern. There’s a husband of good social standing; a wife who’s either a nag or as interesting as cardboard. There’s a young heathen, who inevitably ends up dead or jailed, who tempts the husband and usually gets a little clingy. The husband has a huge revelation and realises that he loves the wife because she’s sane. The wife also gets to prove that she’s strong by (usually) taking down the young heathen. And then husband and wife live happily ever after!
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the stuff is in the stuff bag (or, the long list of TV shows that I’ve been watching)


I’ve been busy but bizarrely enough that’s usually when I do my most TV watching – background noise and all that. Anyway, here’s a quick run-down.

RUSH HOUR: This just started recently and I kind of love it. I shouldn’t but I do anyway. They won me over with their ‘Asian Orlando Bloom’ line. The first episode borrowed heavily for the movies – the rogue sibling and dodgy law enforcement and stolen statues but I think it was still decent. The first movie will always be a classic. I adore the show. Buddy-cop is my genre. It’s the GENRE. It never gets old. People should just embrace it. [ETA: It was cancelled and pulled off schedule until July. SO RUDE.]


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