I can’t even remember the last time I watched the show. Maybe…three months ago? I read my last full recap and I was just like…Jared tried to claim he was up for the role of THOR hahahhahaha because the episode sounded awful and when I need a pick me up, I think about Jared’s self-assessment of his career.
–I resent them bring David Beckham into this. His flawlessness < Supernatural’s lack of flawlessness.
– where Sam and Dean were mocking this guy for being a fan. It was hilarious because they delivered while looking right into the camera, and this is the SPN fandom where everything has a hidden meaning, so some people were like ‘waaaaaait, is this about us?’. I don’t like to give the writers any credit but I doubt it was deliberate. Whoever kept in, now….that was probably deliberate. I would mention something about biting the hand that feeds you but fans have probably already gotten over it because Jared’s posted on Twitter that he loves them or something.
Anywho, onto this episode.
What the episode is called: Meta Fiction
What it should have been called: WHAT THE FUCK IS A STORY? DO YOU GUYS KNOW? NO? WE DON’T EITHER – SO HERE’S 40 MINS OF BULLSHIT.
The recap is full of all this shit about Dean trying to take down Abaddon. He’s got some stupid mark that makes his arm glow, freeze up and drop things? Then they unleash the horror that was Jared as Gadreel as Ezekiel on us briefly. And then Cas shows up and—whatever, basically.
Metatron is typing some shit up on a typewriter and….uh, addressing someone. He’s asking some shit about stories and now he wants to tell us a story…and oh lord this episode is called META FICTION.
After the title card changes from SUPERNATURAL to METATRON, Dean’s in the shower. YAY PROOF THAT THEY SHOWER EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE! And a chance for us to see this mark on Dean’s arm. I think it’s the Mark of Cain? It looks like an evil smiley face. Sam asks him if he’s okay. LOL. Some things never change. I’m certain that’s all Sam ever says besides the whiny-emo-me-me-me-bull crap that I no longer listen to.
Castiel has some conversation with some woman with a busted up eye. He fixes her eye. She seems to be some Angel. She asks if he’s going to try and take down Metatron, but Castiel bleats that he’s no leader. HE’S A FOLLOWER. HE WILL FOLLOW DEAN INTO THE DARK, Death Cab For Cutie-style. He finds out that Gadreel is working with Metatron…wait. They’re just finding that out now?! Castiel asks if Dean’s okay and I get the feeling that I’ve missed something but I don’t really give a fuck. Sam and Dean have some bizarre conversation about someone in town having helped them before. It was so awkward but I guess that was pay day and Jared and Jensen were like, ‘we high on dollar bills, bitches!’ and forgot how to do their version of acting.
Meanwhile Tahmoh Penikett as Gadreel is after some chicken feathers or something, in our first nomination for Most Pointless Scene. His accent and mannerisms are awful, but he’s still a lot more watchable than Jared Padalecki as Gadreel as Ezekiel. There’s some kind of Harry Potter Diagon Alley reference and I’m not sure if he ever got his feathers. Do we give a shit? No we do not.
In other news, Cas’ TV starts playing porn randomly and wooo, GABRIEL! Yay, he’s alive and he needs Cas’ help. YAY! Another previously dead character who’s seemingly no longer dead !!!!!! The originality is killing me. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Second nom for Most Pointless Scene. At least Dick Speight Jr has a valid reason now to show up at conventions. It was getting kind of sad that he still turned up to them despite being killed off three seasons ago.
I don’t remember him being this annoying—-actually I DO. I really wish Godzilla would show up to just punch him into a square shaped pulp that we can bury under water forever. Anyway, long story short he wants to team up with Castiel to take down Metatron. They stop for gas and Metatron’s minions find them and catch up with them. Gabriel says that he has enough juice to hold them off. Instead of letting him do it, Cas engages in more pointless conversation and then…it turns out that none of it was real. Oh. What a shocking turn of events. /eye roll.
In short, Metatron has Cas. “What makes a story work?” he asks. I don’t know. And neither do the Supernatural writers.
Meanwhile, Dean and Sam trap Tahmoh Penikett as Gadreel and I need this guy to shut the fuck up because his voice is like chalk on a fucking blackboard. Sam hulks out and starts asking him how long he’s been working with Metatron because that’s what’s important here. Another nom for Most Pointless Scene.
Metatron and Cas have some dumb conversation about the season I guess. It doesn’t make much sense and I can’t be bothered to pay attention. He wants to make Cas the villain of his story and blah, blah, blah. NEXT!
Sam and Dean are worrying ab—hold up, Dean just tried to claim that Sam’s roidy-hulk out was leading up to him going all ‘Liam Neeson’ on Tahmoh Penikett-as-Gadreel’s ass.
Leave Liam Neeson out of this mess please.
Anyway they’re worrying about Cas and Sam goes off to find him while Dean sets about making Tahmoh Penikett as Gadreel pay for what he did to Sam (save his life? At Dean’s request? And really, him betraying them was just inevitable) and Kevin (did us all a favour by murdering his whiny ass?). Dean growls at TP as Gadreel and it’s mostly inaudible. TP as Gadreel goads Dean into trying to kill him but Dean catches his on and leaves him sitting in chains.
Riveting stuff here.
Sam goes to Cas’ motel room and finds it empty. His face seems to pass through a spectrum of emotions before it finally lands on sad puppy dog (eh, what’s new?). Metatron shows up and says he’ll trade Cas back to them for Gadreel. There’s some hilarious scene where Dean splashes water on his face and glares at the mirror menacingly and ignores Sam’s calls. Oh come on Dean, cheer up. We all know that whatever self-sacrifice shit you’re going through will back fire anyway. He picks up his little angel blade and goes back to face TP as G. Wittle Dean is fighting mood! BOO YAH. Everybody better watch out!
Naturally, Sam gets back and finds Dean half collapsed on the floor, sad about the fact that TP as Gadreel won’t talk. Awww, you know, I’m pretty sure the first rule of torturing someone is to make sure that you don’t tire yourself out. Then again, Dean still counts past ten on his fingers, so.
Sam thinks that they’re smart enough to take TP as G to the trade and TRAP METATRON.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Metatron pretty much calls them out on that within five seconds of showing up. And then proceeds to blow out their little ring of holy fire.
(Is it me or is Jared’s forehead a constant scene-stealer? I’ll be watching and listening (kinda) and BAM, it’s right there completely stealing my attention. It wins the Scene Stealer award anyway. No other nominations necessary. Jared’s finally won an award of his own accord! Unless there’s some kind of medical reason why his hair needs to be glued down to his head, someone needs to fix it up. Or maybe attach a mini-umbrella type headband to his hair that shields the majority of his forehead? Anything would do at this point.)
Anyway, Metatron gives them Castiel back and does his little bad guy monologue, blah, blah, yadda, yadda yadda.
In the next scene, Dean is confused. LOL. Castiel explains what Metatron is supposedly up to, and Sam’s all like ‘he blew out holy fire, he’s basically God’ and then his hair gets all distracting and I stop paying attention to him. Castiel makes some kind of Star Wars reference because Metatron downloaded a whole bunch of books and movies into his head, so that the writers can have Cas say all this shit and crack all of us up because Dean being all ‘wha? YOU JUST MADE A MOVIE REFERENCE IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT’ is so fucking hilarious. Cas asks if Dean’s okay, and then he sees the weird smiley face mark and asks Dean what he’s done. According to Dean, it’s a means to an end…and basically it won’t work, just like the trials didn’t work, just like Castiel eating souls didn’t work and just like Mitch Pileggi’s eyebrows capturing ‘The Originals’ didn’t work. At this point, I have no idea what the fuck Sam and Dean are trying to save themselves from anymore.
At the end, Metatron claims that he knows the ending to his story. Uh-huh.
I take it this half (quarter?) season is Dean’s version of not having a soul because he’s all stony faced and shit while Sam looks concerned. Yawn. A bunch of people turn up at Castiel’s doorstep and he finally decides to stop bleating that he’s not a leader and accepts the fact that he’ll probably get all of them killed, but it’ll be their fault because they begged him to lead them.
Anyway, the winner of my Most Pointless Scene award goes to the entire episode.
Next up: I’ll attempt to sit through the spin-off episode. I can’t wait.