Bad Sister (Lifetime, 2016).

I found this in my drafts and decided it might as well be my first post of the year.

Uhm. Enjoy?

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A student at a Catholic school has suspicions when one of the nuns begins acting creepily towards her brother. But she can’t tell anyone, because who would believe that a woman of God would do such a thing?

The movie opens with some tearaway teenager playing some Ed Sheeran-esque song for his online viewers.

He’s sent away to a Catholic school. Or something. Around the same time, a new nun arrives at the school.

Within no time, we see that she has very nice blonde hair and underwear that’s not very nun appropriate. And then we see her gushing over a video of Jason, our acoustic guitar playing protagonist. By gushing, I mean that she all but kisses her laptop screen. Oh dear.

Anyway, our Bad Sister is Sister Sophia and when she arrives to teach the class, she gets upset when she sees a female student flirting with Jason. This is like Bad Teacher, but with a nun.

Jealousy has overcome Sister Sophia so much that she forgets about the morning prayer and even worse, she doesn’t say it.

Sister Sophia asks Jason if he has a girlfriend and when he says no, she tells him that she thinks he’s quite the catch. I get that she’s a fake predator nun, but she has no chill. Also, for some reason, she takes a ‘Toxic Tramp’ lip gloss from Sarah (the girl who was flirting with Jason) and tries it on. Somehow, it offends her and she crushes the tube with her shoe.

…Why anyone would buy a lip gloss called Toxic Tramp is beyond me, but alright.

snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’

Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins

A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’

Widow On The Hill | Lifetime (2005)

A sexy young hospice nurse (Natasha Henstridge), is hired by a wealthy man (James Brolin) to care for his sick wife who eventually dies. When the nurse becomes the widower’s new bride and then he dies suspiciously leaving his vast fortune to the new Mrs., his daughter becomes convinced that her gold-digging stepmother is up to no good and could be a murderess.

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I think I might just spend the rest of my life snarking about Lifetime movies. They are the gift that keep on giving. I came across this by accident. Someone was so outraged by it that I had to just check it out, lol.

The movie starts with an interview of a woman called Linda. She’s been charged with the murder of her husband and – despite the presence of her lawyer – has agreed to do this interview. Sounds legit.

We cut back to some point before she became rich and got a tiny dog (it’s always a tiny dog) and she tells us that five years ago she was on her 3rd husband. Oh dear. I can tell that this is going to be good. Anyway, hubs number three leaves her and she finds herself staring at this house on a hill. She puts herself through nursing school and shows up to care for wife of the man who owns said house. CONVENIENT. The daughter Jenny is home from school, ’cause the movie needs a main character that’s young enough to remain alive. The daughter is immediately suspicious of the nurse, because she’s young and hot and y’know, not dying.