snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’


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Widow On The Hill | Lifetime (2005)

A sexy young hospice nurse (Natasha Henstridge), is hired by a wealthy man (James Brolin) to care for his sick wife who eventually dies. When the nurse becomes the widower’s new bride and then he dies suspiciously leaving his vast fortune to the new Mrs., his daughter becomes convinced that her gold-digging stepmother is up to no good and could be a murderess.


I think I might just spend the rest of my life snarking about Lifetime movies. They are the gift that keep on giving. I came across this by accident. Someone was so outraged by it that I had to just check it out, lol.

The movie starts with an interview of a woman called Linda. She’s been charged with the murder of her husband and – despite the presence of her lawyer – has agreed to do this interview. Sounds legit.

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We cut back to some point before she became rich and got a tiny dog (it’s always a tiny dog) and she tells us that five years ago she was on her 3rd husband. Oh dear. I can tell that this is going to be good. Anyway, hubs number three leaves her and she finds herself staring at this house on a hill. She puts herself through nursing school and shows up to care for wife of the man who owns said house. CONVENIENT. The daughter Jenny is home from school, ’cause the movie needs a main character that’s young enough to remain alive. The daughter is immediately suspicious of the nurse, because she’s young and hot and y’know, not dying.

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Should the nurse be hanging out with the husband like they’re best buds? Probably not, but this is Lifetime. And also people are naive in real life. Yes, this movie appears to be truly based on a true story. There’s some boring hint hint hint romance crap with Jenny and this guy with unfortunate hair.

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jenny
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guy with unfortunate hair

Oh, and Jenny has a drinking problem? Are we gearing up for a ‘you’re too drunk and paranoid’ argument? Probably. After a heartfelt convo w/moms, Jenny comes downstairs to find the nurse (Linda) stroking the husband’s (Hank) chin and telling him that he’ll find happiness again — wow, she’s about as subtle as a brick to the face. She was palming that man’s face like his face whiskers were dollar bills.

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totally appropriate nursing outfit

While Jenny and Hank are horse riding, the wife dies. Apparently it was easier to do it offscreen because that leaves more time for the funeral scene. Good thinking, Lifetime. We don’t need to worry about the dead wife’s suffering anymore. Jenny announces to her godfather that she doesn’t like Linda, ’cause foreshadowing. And also because it’s the plot of the movie.

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After the wife’s death, Linda hangs around because…well, I ain’t saying she a gold digger but SHE’S LITERALLY ALREADY MAKING OUT WITH THE HUSBAND. This is after he tells her that church is what keeps him from drinking. And then her next line after the initial make out session is ‘I’ll see you in church’.

Somebody’s probably going to see her in hell.

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By the way, this movie is shot as a kind of documentary/interview with Linda who has now been indicted for murder. I’d like to lambaste whoever came up with this plot device because it’s annoying.

Back to the story and Hank has given Linda his dead wife’s fur. Hank assures her that Felicia (the dead wife) would want her to have it. He’s wrong for that. Especially because….(shield your eyes children)…it is going to be hard to wash Linda’s desperation out of this fur.

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Anyway, the neighbours are all clued up and they know that it’s Felicia’s fur. They gossip amongst themselves because there’s no real point to this scene past the lingerie under the dead wife’s fur reveal.

Post party, Linda offers him a beer back in her trailer.

“I don’t drink,” he dead pans and then he gets his freak on and I wish that I was drinking because ew. The sex scene is about thirty two seconds too long. BRAIN BLEACH. I don’t need to see Hank getting all hanky panky with this woman. Please.

Post-sexy!nurse sex, Jenny is moving out of the house on the hill because she’s tired of waiting for her dad to come back home at night.

Ew.

Some time after that Hank tells his daughters that he’s asked Linda to marry him.

#movingtoofast #thinkingwithdownstairsbrain #gotdatgoodviagra

During the wedding planning, Linda is saying that she wants to go to Italy…so that she has some smart things to say when his friends bring it up (yeah, sure she does).

Hank takes this on board and then he says that he wants a prenup

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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Dude, your timing is way off.

A. You don’t fuck your dead’s wife nurse a few weeks after she dies

B. Don’t bring up prenups when your next wife is talking about her dream trip to Italy

It’s just basic logic.

She’s pissed off and says that he wants one [prenup] because she doesn’t have her own money (yeah, that’s kind of the point). Hank basically lets his dick decide whether or not he should go with the prenup. Good old Hank.

During the wedding scene, Linda practically cackles her way through it Cruella style. This is after Hank’s church refuses to marry them because not enough time has passed since his first wife died. Not only that, her wedding ring is a family heirloom that Felicia promised to Jenny. I’m shocked and appalled that she didn’t angle for a brand new one

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Next, Linda is stressing about some picnic. She bribes Hank with sex to get him to change. Must they keep bringing up anything sex-related? Yuck.

Sometime later, Jenny catches Linda with Kevin, who is some dude who clearly wants to jump Linda’s bones.Linda even starts taking him to church (this bitch is brazen). She tries to tell Jenny that Hank is worried sick about her and that he’s ‘going to give himself a heart attack’. FORESHADOWING!!! I need to make a flashing foreshadowing gif.

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Next, Linda and Kevin are doing the nasty in the horse stables. And it’s truly nasty. Every single sex scene in this movie is excruciatingly bad. There’s lots of awkward close-ups and awkward music. They are caught by some other guy. The one with the questionable hair. After he tells Kevin to get out, Linda comes onto *him* and…he doesn’t exactly stop her.

He goes straight to V-town on the L-train. Naaaaaaaaaastayyyy.

That guy’s name is Rick, and in the next scene he’s calling Jenny and he tells her that Linda is sleeping with Kevin. WHAT ABOUT YOU, RICK? YOUR PRIVATE PARTS AREN’T INNOCENT BYSTANDERS EITHER? Of course, that’s what Linda wanted all along, ’cause Hank sure as hell isn’t going to believe Jenny. So Rick can’t say shit either.

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hatefully jenny giving linda the evils

Yup. Jenny tells Hank and he doesn’t believe her. He says that they gave her everything growing up and she did nothing with it. She fires back and says that he was too drunk to notice anything. After he apologizes, he basically tells her that she’s hateful and whatnot.

This dude is naive as fuck.

Or not ’cause next thing I know, he’s giving Linda and Kevin the evils in church. Lifetime ain’t shit for this, though. Usually the wife is either sleeping from someone already going to church or boinking in secluded cars and foliaged areas. Bringing your boo-thing to church is just poor planning. And rude.

Hank confronts Linda and she’s just like, ‘I wanted Kevin so I had to have him but you’re still my husband, so we cool?’

Bish, what?

Hank is outraged and says that everyone was right about her. Linda says that Jenny think she’s trash. He hits her back with a ‘YOU ARE!’ Damn.

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He says that he’s going to call his lawyer and she wonders if he’s talking about divorce.

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Uh, lady, you know damn well what he’s talking about. She says that it’ll be a bad idea and he’s like, ‘You’ll be going back to your trailer park where you belong’.

*dead*

I can’t forgive Hank for his stupidity but he’s a shady motherfucker and I like it. But then he basically threatens Kevin and says he’ll kill him if he touches Linda again. I don’t advocate violence but considering that he collapses two seconds later, at least he got to got to have at least one badass moment.

Somehow, the only medical professional they could get is Linda, Hank’s cheating, philandering wife who literally told him that divorcing her would be a very bad idea. He says that his collapse was probably due to the new medication he’s taking for his back.

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Meanwhile, Kevin gets his SECOND death threat of the movie. Rick threatens to kill him if he ever tells anyone that Rick did the nasty with Linda.

In present day, Linda is saying she won’t talk about the ‘rumor’ that she killed her husband. Bish is crazy, but we knew that.

Back in the past, Linda is begging Hang not to leave her but he says that he has his pride and has to. DUDE, JUST SIC LAWYERS ON HER!! Someone that brought her plaything to church cannot be reasoned with. Nor should you ever accept food from them.

Ever.

IN FACT, WHY ARE THEY STILL LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE?

One night, both Kevin and Rick are at dinner. Suddenly there’s a THUD! And they rush up to see that Hank is unconscious on the floor. And he’s dead. So dead that when the paramedics arrive, Linda’s all like, ‘HE’S DEAD LEAVE HIM ALONE!!! DON’T TRY AND SAVE HIM, PLEASE!!!’

…if only she was bright as she was crazy.

That same night, Rick catches her holding Hank’s will and Cruella-laughing with relief.

Everybody knows that you gotta gold dig on the DL. The ones that don’t end up indicted for murder. That’s just a fact. From the School Of Lifetime.

Conveniently, Linda claims that Hank told her that he wanted to be cremated. LOL.

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Jenny says that there’s no way that Hank would want to be cremated. She says that Linda killed her father. Her godfather and sister tell her that she’s – wait for it – PARANOID!! She tries to get an autopsy done on the body but the lawyer guy says that he needs some tangible evidence first.

In a shocking turn of events, Rick co-signs Jenny’s idea. Apparently when Linda gave Hank soup, she made some kind of detour into the pantry. He also tells Jenny that Linda was reading the will on the same night than Hank died. Jenny wants Rick to tell the commonwealth attorney but he can’t cause…

He went to V-Town on the L-train.

Jenny comforts Rick after he tells her that he slept with Linda. Hopefully just because she needed someone to give a statement. I hope she kneed him in the gonads later. Somehow it works and the commonwealth attorney calls for an autopsy. Linda’s response is to tell them that they’re going to cut Hank up into little pieces. Jenny slaps her ’cause somebody needed to.

At the funeral Linda does her chalice duties during communion. She’s brazen as fuck. Jenny accepts the wine from her so that they can have a really  intense (and unnecessary at this point) stare-off. Rick is still chatting shit but I am choosing to ignore him from this point on. His questionable hair is clearly clouding his judgement.

At the wake, Monica (Hank’s other daughter) and Jenny find morphine stashed in the pantry. You’d think that Linda would remove any incriminating drugs from the pantry, but…nope.

Sure enough the autopsy comes back and shows that Hank died from an overdose of morphine.

There’s some talk at the end during ‘present day’ where she says that she is looking forward to the trial.

At the end, the movie makers helpfully inform us that Linda was acquitted of first degree murder

WHAT? I SAT THROUGH AN HOUR AND A HALF OF THIS SHIT AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN END UP IN FAKE TV PRISON?

Jenny is also now married and living in Pennsylvania

I DON’T CARE!! I WANT TV JUSTICE!!

Linda is studying to be a minister — FIX IT, JESUS.

Hank’s daughters and Linda are tied up in a civil court lawsuit because Linda got everything in the will – SIGH.

Thankfully, there was a somewhat happier ending in real life.


VERDICT: 7/10. This movie was stupid as hell but…it was also very entertaining. I actually sat there and watched it in one sitting!!!

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6 thoughts on “snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’

  1. I think I might just spend the rest of my life snarking about Lifetime movies.

    I’m sure I should stop you… but I just can’t. XD (maybe new blog, “LTsnark” lol)

    Wait. Jenny is that…

    checks IMDB

    It is! Jewel Staite! (man I crush on her) So a movie where Kaylee fights Species girl? Totally canon in my head now that this is a crossover scifi movie that ran out of budget!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! An entire blog — heck if it gets to that point, I’m going to need several people to stage an intervention for me. Haha.

      I looked up Species and this:

      her character, while kissing an aggressive would-be suitor, impales his head with her tongue

      …makes me sort of curious and terrified at the same time. Mostly terrified.

      Like

      1. You had never heard of Species? Man I’m old.

        Yeah it was a sci-fi/horror-ish movie about a girl grown from alien DNA that then wants to find a guy to breed off spring and take over the world.

        So… I guess you could say the male version of a lifetime movie (though ours is much more tongue in cheek).

        It is weird to see Forrest Whittaker in one of his first “gov agency hunting someone” roles. I’m working on a grand unified theory about that if nobody else has.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Now I’m wondering what a Lifetime horror movie would be like….

          I’m sure I’ve come across it in passing but I haven’t ever seen it. I was surprised that it had such a strong cast…Whittaker, Alfred Molina etc. LOL. Clearly his work on Species left a lasting impression on him.

          Like

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