recap

snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part two


This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. You’ll get a prize!

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

I love you, stupid

Season 3 sees Raquel now married to Kyle for green card purposes (this is after Kyle spends all of season two ripping people off so she can get her divorce papers from some loan shark, but okay).

Oscar is in jail due to Sloane handing in a recording that incriminates him in a murder case.

Lionel is running the team but… Jelena and Terrence are trying to buy it from her. Or the League are forcing a sale. I have no fucking clue.

Anyway, also, Zero and Jude get back together, go public and they’re very cute, but oddly (haha, well, sort of) disconnected from all of the other characters bar Lionel and Jelena. It was like having a show within a show. On one hand, it’s good because they seem to be the only characters living on Earth and having normal interactions, on the other, it mean that they had little screen time. Ruuuuude

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snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part one


This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. Part one and two. LOL.

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

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Bad Moviethon #7 – The Perfect Guy


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #7

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

The Perfect Guy | 2015 | IMDB

Plot:

With a fulfilling career and a loving relationship, lobbyist Leah Vaughn (Sanaa Lathan) seems to have it all. Things come crashing down when Dave, her long-term boyfriend, questions her future plans for marriage and a family. The resulting breakup leaves Leah heartbroken, until she meets the charming and handsome Carter Duncan (Michael Ealy). Soon, the budding romance turns dangerous as Carter reveals his volatile nature, forcing Leah to turn the tables on the man she thought was Mr. Right.

Rotten Tomatoes score: 19%

Review excerpt:

The unsure tone screams that this is a director embarrassed by the film he’s making.

First of all, Michael Ealy.

Secondly, Sanaa Lathan’s hair and wardrobe were on point.

The movie begins with Leah being all domestic with her boyfriend before she breaks up with him because he’s not ready to propose. Sometime soon, she bumps into some guy callee Carter at a coffee shop. Well. More like she turned around and he was grinning at her creepily. It was like he was paid by smile and crazy eyes because there was a lot of that in the opening half an hour. Although, Michael Ealy’s smile and crazy eyes would probably work on me too. Anyway, there’s so iced coffee related flirting stuff (I think that’s what it was supposed to be).

Anyway, after that, Carter saves her from some douche at a bar. They have dinner and things progress. They go dancing and they end up hooking up in the bathroom (recipe for disaster and also unsanitary) and they begin dating. Carter charms her parents, her friends, her cat. Everybody in nearby distance.

At one point I’m sure that someone dreamily says that he seems too good to be true. 

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retrosnark: supernatural, 4×09 – tepid at best


This isn’t a new recap, but I found an old document with my thoughts on the episode and it was hilarious to me, so to anyone who misses my recaps – this is for you!

For some reason, I split it into the flashbacks and after the flashbacks. I’m not sure why I didn’t just approach it as a whole. 

I’ve had a chance to watch it again, without feeling like I’m going to throw up

…off to a good start!

Sam addresses the body issue and makes Ruby take Ruby 1.5 back (NOOOO!!). Then we see Jane Doe in hospital and she’s in a coma and they call TOD and she becomes Ruby and Ruby 2.0 starts asking for fries (I hope she didn’t get any)

I was a huge fan of Ruby 2.0 if you can’t tell.

she gives him the ‘imagooddemonbecauseirememberwhatit’sliketobehumanandsoiknowwhatit’slikelosesomeone’ mumbo jumbo. Funny how she fails to mention that she wishes that she was like other demons…?? I mean isn’t that what she said to Dean when she spun him the same line?

On Dean and Anna:

I don’t want to see Dean and Anna being all lovey-dovey throughout the entire episode. But I’m not surprised that it’s Dean she’s gets with…but chemistry wise…I hope they make it believable because in the ep when they smiled at each other meaningfully I was all ‘why are they looking at each other like that…’ and it was more creepy than cute.

Lol! Now I remember that this was back when we all knew what would happen in the next episode because of the spoiler culture. Someone would more or less upload the script outline for each episode way in advance. 

After a long jumbled block of text that makes little sense, I go on to assess each character. 

Alistair
He was AWESOME!!!

Mark Rolston was audible at least! The other Alistair sounded like he had marbles in his mouth. 

Castiel
I am in love with Castiel 🙂 In the sneak peek when Sam is like ‘Cas, please’ or whatever and just walks over puts the two fingers on Sam’s head and knocks him…that was hot…

Whaaaaaaat. In love. With Castiel! Wait, you know what, this was season 4, so I won’t judge myself. I also have no idea what I’m describing here. I’m sure that it was tepid at best. 

Uriel
He called Ruby a stain!! *hugs Uriel* and in the next one he attacks her!! I love him 😀 (Not as much as Castiel)

Loooooooool. *hugs Uriel*

Castiel&Uriel
Wow…what an entrance…10 secs of the ep and they still manage to steal it…especially Castiel….

Still not judging myself. Much.

Ruby
What a bitch.

Truly my favourite character. 

Anna
I wanna know what she did! But I feel sorry for her…good actress as well. ‘smoke ’em if you got ’em – I liked that

…Well, I’ll take my word for it. I barely remember what this woman looks like!

Dean
It was great how he didn’t judge Sam and he just listened….that was so touching

Oh gosh, I still liked Dean at this point! This is the ultimate throwback. 

Sam
His girlfriend gave him the evils cause he lost the knife…shame on you Sam. Ermmmm his mojo doesn’t work…uhoh…and KILL AN ANGEL SAM????? Oh boy…
Jared was amazing though

I was a really bad recapper back then because again, I have no idea what the hell I’m describing here. I’m sure that Jared truly was amazing, though. 

Ruby 3.0
I WANT HER BACK!!

Ruby 1.5 – Better than 2.0

More evidence that 2.0 is my ultimate fave. 

Overall it was a good episode weakened by GC as Ruby, granted she was a lot better but still bad and she ruined Jared’s scenes.

Lmao. She was a lot better but still bad…. Hahahahha. Oh dear. What a backhanded compliment. 

8/10 from me..

Well, damn, 8? I haven’t liked anything that much since…Since…Since…Since…

… Yeah, never. 

I’m kidding, I’m kidding…

I vaguely remember this episode being the start of what killed the show. The neverending Angels vs Something battle. In that season it was demons, but 4.09 and the episode after were both terrible. 

Anyway, I’ve blocked it out from memory thankfully. 

How To Screw Up A TV Show (as told by ABC Family’s “Twisted”)


I’m about three years too late but this show was supposed to be easy viewing for me…but I ended up hate watching the last half of the season due to the foolishness.

Anyway, here’s how to screw up a show as per Twisted.


1.Have a decent plot

When charismatic Danny Desai returns to his hometown after spending five years in juvenile detention, he sees that things are no longer as he remembered them. His mother’s socialite status has plummeted due to his incarceration, and his childhood friends Jo and Lacey have grown apart and are at opposite ends of the social spectrum. Lacey is popular and dating the captain of the soccer team, while Jo struggles to put the trauma of the past behind her. Jo wants to give Danny a second chance, but when she asks for answers about the motive behind his crime, he won’t — or can’t — reveal the information. When a fellow student is found dead in her home, the town spins into a frenzy of suspicion and mystery — with Danny as prime suspect. Jo and Lacey must decide if their childhood friend is guilty or just a victim being persecuted for his twisted secrets.

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snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’


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Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins

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A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

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snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’


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Widow On The Hill | Lifetime (2005)

A sexy young hospice nurse (Natasha Henstridge), is hired by a wealthy man (James Brolin) to care for his sick wife who eventually dies. When the nurse becomes the widower’s new bride and then he dies suspiciously leaving his vast fortune to the new Mrs., his daughter becomes convinced that her gold-digging stepmother is up to no good and could be a murderess.


I think I might just spend the rest of my life snarking about Lifetime movies. They are the gift that keep on giving. I came across this by accident. Someone was so outraged by it that I had to just check it out, lol.

The movie starts with an interview of a woman called Linda. She’s been charged with the murder of her husband and – despite the presence of her lawyer – has agreed to do this interview. Sounds legit.

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We cut back to some point before she became rich and got a tiny dog (it’s always a tiny dog) and she tells us that five years ago she was on her 3rd husband. Oh dear. I can tell that this is going to be good. Anyway, hubs number three leaves her and she finds herself staring at this house on a hill. She puts herself through nursing school and shows up to care for wife of the man who owns said house. CONVENIENT. The daughter Jenny is home from school, ’cause the movie needs a main character that’s young enough to remain alive. The daughter is immediately suspicious of the nurse, because she’s young and hot and y’know, not dying.

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snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘A Deadly Adoption’


A Deadly Adoption | Lifetime (2015)

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A distanced couple decide to take in a seemingly innocent pregnant woman in hopes of adopting her unborn child. However, there is more to a book than its cover.


I love a good Lifetime movie. They always tend to follow a similar pattern. There’s a husband of good social standing; a wife who’s either a nag or as interesting as cardboard. There’s a young heathen, who inevitably ends up dead or jailed, who tempts the husband and usually gets a little clingy. The husband has a huge revelation and realises that he loves the wife because she’s sane. The wife also gets to prove that she’s strong by (usually) taking down the young heathen. And then husband and wife live happily ever after!
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Empire 2×02: ‘Snitching ass bitch’


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I was ironing while watching this episode, so I’ll see what I remember. I did take down some notes of the part that made me LMAO.

So basically Cookie, Andre and Lil Simba (Hakeem) are now planning on starting their own record company, possibly along with possibly Anika. Hakeem sort of goes a little crazy and decides that he wants to…have his own artists? This is someone with no album, nada. but okay. Andre sort of just looks like he’d rather be praising Jesus with Jennifer Hudson. (more…)

Night Of The Wild (AKA…The Killer Pet Dog Movie)


I like SyFy movies for what they are – crappy, badly edited but hilarious movies. So when I saw that Rob Morrow happened to be in a SyFy movie I was happy to add it to  my watch list.

With a summary like this, how could I not?

In “NIGHT OF THE WILD”, a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, and pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive. attacking and killing the residents. Teenager Roslyn (Mays) and her old but faithful dog Shep are out camping when the attacks hit. Now separated by the chaos in town and blocked roads, Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds before the dogs take over the whole town and escape becomes impossible.

perfect (more…)