How To Screw Up A TV Show (as told by ABC Family’s “Twisted”)

I’m about three years too late but this show was supposed to be easy viewing for me…but I ended up hate watching the last half of the season due to the foolishness.

Anyway, here’s how to screw up a show as per Twisted.

1.Have a decent plot

When charismatic Danny Desai returns to his hometown after spending five years in juvenile detention, he sees that things are no longer as he remembered them. His mother’s socialite status has plummeted due to his incarceration, and his childhood friends Jo and Lacey have grown apart and are at opposite ends of the social spectrum. Lacey is popular and dating the captain of the soccer team, while Jo struggles to put the trauma of the past behind her. Jo wants to give Danny a second chance, but when she asks for answers about the motive behind his crime, he won’t — or can’t — reveal the information. When a fellow student is found dead in her home, the town spins into a frenzy of suspicion and mystery — with Danny as prime suspect. Jo and Lacey must decide if their childhood friend is guilty or just a victim being persecuted for his twisted secrets.


snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’


Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins


A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.


snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’


Widow On The Hill | Lifetime (2005)

A sexy young hospice nurse (Natasha Henstridge), is hired by a wealthy man (James Brolin) to care for his sick wife who eventually dies. When the nurse becomes the widower’s new bride and then he dies suspiciously leaving his vast fortune to the new Mrs., his daughter becomes convinced that her gold-digging stepmother is up to no good and could be a murderess.

I think I might just spend the rest of my life snarking about Lifetime movies. They are the gift that keep on giving. I came across this by accident. Someone was so outraged by it that I had to just check it out, lol.

The movie starts with an interview of a woman called Linda. She’s been charged with the murder of her husband and – despite the presence of her lawyer – has agreed to do this interview. Sounds legit.


We cut back to some point before she became rich and got a tiny dog (it’s always a tiny dog) and she tells us that five years ago she was on her 3rd husband. Oh dear. I can tell that this is going to be good. Anyway, hubs number three leaves her and she finds herself staring at this house on a hill. She puts herself through nursing school and shows up to care for wife of the man who owns said house. CONVENIENT. The daughter Jenny is home from school, ’cause the movie needs a main character that’s young enough to remain alive. The daughter is immediately suspicious of the nurse, because she’s young and hot and y’know, not dying.


snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘A Deadly Adoption’

A Deadly Adoption | Lifetime (2015)


A distanced couple decide to take in a seemingly innocent pregnant woman in hopes of adopting her unborn child. However, there is more to a book than its cover.

I love a good Lifetime movie. They always tend to follow a similar pattern. There’s a husband of good social standing; a wife who’s either a nag or as interesting as cardboard. There’s a young heathen, who inevitably ends up dead or jailed, who tempts the husband and usually gets a little clingy. The husband has a huge revelation and realises that he loves the wife because she’s sane. The wife also gets to prove that she’s strong by (usually) taking down the young heathen. And then husband and wife live happily ever after!

Empire 2×02: ‘Snitching ass bitch’


I was ironing while watching this episode, so I’ll see what I remember. I did take down some notes of the part that made me LMAO.

So basically Cookie, Andre and Lil Simba (Hakeem) are now planning on starting their own record company, possibly along with possibly Anika. Hakeem sort of goes a little crazy and decides that he wants to…have his own artists? This is someone with no album, nada. but okay. Andre sort of just looks like he’d rather be praising Jesus with Jennifer Hudson. (more…)

Night Of The Wild (AKA…The Killer Pet Dog Movie)

I like SyFy movies for what they are – crappy, badly edited but hilarious movies. So when I saw that Rob Morrow happened to be in a SyFy movie I was happy to add it to  my watch list.

With a summary like this, how could I not?

In “NIGHT OF THE WILD”, a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, and pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive. attacking and killing the residents. Teenager Roslyn (Mays) and her old but faithful dog Shep are out camping when the attacks hit. Now separated by the chaos in town and blocked roads, Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds before the dogs take over the whole town and escape becomes impossible.

perfect (more…)

chicago fire: 4×01, jeremy from tvd lives on

My favourite soapy TV drama has returned for another year! (I’m three weeks late but whatever).

So last season, Dawson was pregnant but !!!! she found a dead body in baby daddy’s (Casey) apartment.

I love this show.

That’s all wrapped up in the first five minutes. Casey’s fine and the police catch the bad guys. Oh, but I guess we’re getting flashbacks. Sweet.

The dead body left behind a notebook exposing some seeding people smuggling ring so they’re also looking for that.

FRED LEHNE IS HERE? EW. But anyway, yeah, he’s here to do a employee check or something. They strip Severide (Lady Gaga’s boyfriend) of his rank and replace him with some dude called Texas or Dallas or something. WELP. They can’t just do Severide like that! Rude.

Casey says he’s fine, but he’s not fine. Dawson is doing that staring-into-space-thing characters do to show they have a lot on their mind.

Oh boy….there’s a new candidate for the firehouse and it’s a naked and taped up Jeremy from TVD. Jeremy stays losin’, y’all. His name is Jimmy but I will call him Jeremy. He gets his ass fired. But not before he makes eyes at one of the paramedics. SIGH.

Texas brings pizza and they’re all like, ‘Severide can we eat or nah?’ Severide takes a bite and then bounces. What a waste! LOL. Welp. Guess they’ll be beefing this season.

Later, Casey realises that the bad dude probably already has dead body’s notebook.

Jeremy from TVD comes back at the end of the episode and begs for his job back and he GETS IT! Jeremy from TVD wins at last!

Texas is all like, ‘Well, Severide doesn’t like me and skipped my boat party, but that’s his problem.” Alright, dude.

Btw, pregnant!Dawson’s ass shouldn’t be ANYWHERE near fires but I saw her up in there evacuating some old dude! Teratogens, girl. Look it up.

Molly’s (the bar that some of the firefighters co-own) has some new neighbours and they come to complain about the noise. Uh…they moved next to a bar? It was a bar before they moved in! Whaaat. LOL.

Meanwhile, Severide is on his 38939303th love interest since the show started. Oh, and he’s decided to quit Firehouse 51.


The baby that the paramedics helped bring to life survives, yay! They made sure to give the dude from Chicago Med some screen time, ’cause you know, NEW SHOW STARTING THIS NOVEMBER. These spin-offs exhaust me.

At the end, Casey’s all like, ‘Dawson, I love you, let’s get back together blah, blah, blah” and she blurts out that she’s pregnant.

UGH. I cannot stand those two. Anyway.

It ends on that lovely note.

the (long, painful, mind-numbing) road so far

I’m back! Catch up, catch up (for my own benefit). And because I’m in class and bored out of my mind.

So, Sam stood up Amelia because Dean was like WAH WAH WAH STAY WITH ME and Amelia was like, WAH WAH WAH IF YOU’RE GONNA LEAVE AGAIN DON’T COME BACK. She kinda shot herself in the foot with that one. Oh and Benny killed someone, said that Dean was all he had blah blah blah but Sam made Dean tell Benny to GTFO.

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And then, Carver retconned the show and inserted John’s side of the family into the mythology. How wonderful, and eventually they found some house from 604940044 years ago, and there was some Men of (Bullshit) Letters bullshit. After that Kevin finally decrypted his half (yes, half) of the demon tablet. One of the boys (because they always gotta squabble over everything) has to do trials that will help them with closing the gates of hell. And yeaaaaaaa, we’re still on that wonderful plot. I use the world plot lightly. Dean says he’s doing it, Sam tells Dean how brilliant and amazing he is, which is why he [Sam] should do it. So that Dean can continue to be brilliant and amazing at life that doesn’t involve hunting. (Despite the fact that Dean’s tried that and he sucked at it miserably). Oh and somewhere along the line Sam Winchester goes from being pretty wallpaper to pretty douchebag. How wonderful for him. Dean’s all like, FOR GOD’S SAKE, LET ME DO SOMETHING. I CAN’T. I CAN’T GO THROUGH ANOTHER NON-STORYLINE WHERE ALL I DO IS FUCKING CRY OVER MY BABY BROTHER AND PRAY TO THE ANGEL THAT INADVERTENTLY CAUSED ALL OF THIS, FOR THE LOVE OF NOT-QUITE-SURE-IF-HE-EXISTS-GOD. But then he fucks it all up and gets cocky with the hellhound and Sam saves the day. Cue lots of omg-the-trials-are-bringing-me-pain from Sam and a lotta omg-something’s-wrong-with-my-brother-pain from Dean.

Oh and Naomi somehow mindfucks Cas into doing something. Meg dies. Crowley says a lot of snarky shit that makes no sense, but he’s English and therefore awesome. Oh yeah. Awesomely ridiculous and terrible.

So basically Supernatural is the least progressive show on TV (except for maybe Pretty Little Liars). Both shows defy the realms of logicality and consistency on an episodical basis.

So yeah.

At the start of the season, I read this spoiler about someone from the first two seasons coming back as a villain. WE WERE DUPED. OR, I’m possibly the only person who remembers this, because the writers don’t give a shit, and my brain is weird, and fandom watches with their eyes closed. Sigh. Moving on.

SPOILER, Sarah Blake from season one is going to be in episode 22. Seriously, doesn’t Taylor Cole have anything better to do? I liked Sarah but yeah, she was on the show seven seasons ago. I’m 100% certain that I will no longer like her after 8.22. Thanks Carver, and thank you Robert Singer, because your contribution has not gone unnoticed.

Recap of 8×19 should be up tomorrow. I hear that Sam went to hell and it was anti climatic, despite all of the awful MAN PAIN both he and El Deano endured there. Oh SPN, how I hate thee. Lol.