snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Dirty Teacher’

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Dirty Teacher | Lifetime (2013) | Reading time ~5mins

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A high school senior becomes the victim of an elaborate frame-up after learning that her boyfriend is sleeping with their teacher.

You know it’s bad when a Lifetime movie plot instantly makes you think, ‘I keep reading about this fuckery in the news’. Once you can no longer question ‘Based On A True Story’ everything just goes to shit.

I’ve helpfully inserted a Youtube version of the movie below. Please don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s titled ‘Romantic Movie’ – THAT IS A LIE. Unless you’re someone who should be nowhere near a classroom.

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snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’

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Widow On The Hill | Lifetime (2005)

A sexy young hospice nurse (Natasha Henstridge), is hired by a wealthy man (James Brolin) to care for his sick wife who eventually dies. When the nurse becomes the widower’s new bride and then he dies suspiciously leaving his vast fortune to the new Mrs., his daughter becomes convinced that her gold-digging stepmother is up to no good and could be a murderess.


I think I might just spend the rest of my life snarking about Lifetime movies. They are the gift that keep on giving. I came across this by accident. Someone was so outraged by it that I had to just check it out, lol.

The movie starts with an interview of a woman called Linda. She’s been charged with the murder of her husband and – despite the presence of her lawyer – has agreed to do this interview. Sounds legit.

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We cut back to some point before she became rich and got a tiny dog (it’s always a tiny dog) and she tells us that five years ago she was on her 3rd husband. Oh dear. I can tell that this is going to be good. Anyway, hubs number three leaves her and she finds herself staring at this house on a hill. She puts herself through nursing school and shows up to care for wife of the man who owns said house. CONVENIENT. The daughter Jenny is home from school, ’cause the movie needs a main character that’s young enough to remain alive. The daughter is immediately suspicious of the nurse, because she’s young and hot and y’know, not dying.

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snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘A Deadly Adoption’

A Deadly Adoption | Lifetime (2015)

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A distanced couple decide to take in a seemingly innocent pregnant woman in hopes of adopting her unborn child. However, there is more to a book than its cover.


I love a good Lifetime movie. They always tend to follow a similar pattern. There’s a husband of good social standing; a wife who’s either a nag or as interesting as cardboard. There’s a young heathen, who inevitably ends up dead or jailed, who tempts the husband and usually gets a little clingy. The husband has a huge revelation and realises that he loves the wife because she’s sane. The wife also gets to prove that she’s strong by (usually) taking down the young heathen. And then husband and wife live happily ever after!
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UnREAL (Lifetime)

 

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Unsurprisingly, the first I heard of UnReal was when I saw that it was on Amazon. With ten episodes in its first season, I figured that it would be the perfect antidote to my Sons of Anarchy marathon, which was a nightmare in itself.

This show, though. I feel like everyone likes it because everyone else likes it. I’d watched 4/5 episodes before I saw any reviews and my reaction was, ‘whaa’. It has a 98% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. The critics have spoken!

It started off well but then I realised it was just another show about terrible people doing terrible things, and oh look, something sad happens and…they go back to being terrible. The aspect that intrigues people is probably the whole Bachelor (which I’ve never watched) scenario. However, the show mainly focuses on the nasty shit the producers do and acts like some kind of expose. The showrunner apparently worked on The Bachelor, so I guess she’s in her element here. However, is it really an expose when anyone with some common sense knew exactly how much the producers manipulated things? It’s not rocket science.

Either way, I’ll probably continue to watch the show because of Michael Rady. I’m weak. I’ve also seen some interesting commentary on the second season, so…watch this space.