Considering that last season I watched the first episode and then skipped the next nine or so, I have no idea why I’m watching this one. Probably because they managed to keep Bobby out of the episode.
Anyway, yesterday I got caught up in a Cristiano Ronaldo inspired Youtube black hole. And I came across this video, specifically the 3:55 mark. I was amazed. Not by the free kick but by the commentary. I don’t know who he is but I am inspired. Usually when commentators lose their shit over a goal it’s just unintelligible noise but for this guy, it was a dream. And not just any dream.
“This is not just a dream, it’s a wet dream of orgasmic proportions!”
Once he had time to regain his composure, he turned his attention to the replays and remarked: “This has got more curves to it than Jessica Rabbit on steroids!”
I can only imagine how he’d describe Sam’s hair. Probably something along the lines of, ‘An oil drenched wanton hairball that spreads in a Japanese fan-esque semi-circular arched wave‘.
I realised last week that I didn’t even see the title card when I watched the episode, but I’m pretty much done during the recap at the start of the episode because this happens:
To recap, Dean was the lamest non-demonic demonic demon ever. Castiel sucks, and some guy that Dean pissed off kidnapped Sam.
At the start of the episode – FLASHBACK!!!! – some kid comes downstairs to find that Dean’s just killed his dad. I’m not sure if anyone says anything because I’m listening to Candy by Cameo but…Dean looks weird. Like they superimposed an image of season one Dean onto Jensen. Or maybe they just whacked in some season 1 footage and hoped that we wouldn’t notice because it’s meant to be from around that time-frame.
Something definitely doesn’t look right but I can’t be bothered to examine it further. Here’s a screencap.
And basically the boy is the guy that’s kidnapped Sam. Apparently his name is Cole. He wants revenge. Sigh. We’ve been down this road before. Dean basically fucked up Cole’s life. Cole looks like he’s around Sam’s age so…I don’t know how this timeline is supposed to work. Anyway, Cole’s been through some shit. Sam however keeps trying to get Cole to understand that Dean’s a monster because that’s supposed to mean a damn thing. SAM’S AWAKEEEEEE!!!! But, uh, probably not for long.
The title card is horrible by the way.
Dean’s at…what I assume is the world’s most shitiest bar. There’s one random pole dancer and like, two other people. Maybe it’s recovering from a herpes outbreak. He basically beats up a couple of people – after some uncomfortable and cringeworthy interaction with the pole dancer – and…it’s juxtaposed with Sam getting the snot beaten out of him!! YAY!!! Not. Cole gets a call and leaves his keys on floor but that’s deliberate. We know because he makes sure to stand in the distance and *smirk*. Sigh. Apparently Supernatural has given up on their shitty attempts at suspense.
Someone bumps into Dean and calls him a Grandpa. It’s unfortunate because he really does look terrible in that particular scene. According to Jensen fans, Marvel watch Supernatural every week as they wait for him to become available. Maybe they’ll have a decent dermatologist on hand because the CW are clearly going for the ‘the only way is orange’ option at the moment. At least his hair is better this week. Crowley shows up and says that they need to talk about Dean’s anger management issues.
Meanwhile, Cas and Mundane Hannah (MUNDANNAH!) have a moment. Sam calls Cas and informs him that Dean’s a demon. Sam looks like he could do with a sandwich, or a slice of cake. OOH, CAKE! Basically he wants Cas to come and help him with Dean, ’cause that ALWAYS ends well. Mundannah says that they’re [The Winchesters] a bad influence but we don’t care what she says. A truck comes out of nowhere *GASP!* and because Mundannah’s voice has drug-like abilities he randomly falls asleep and then wakes two seconds later, just in time to crash. YAY!!
Dean agress to kill some woman on Crowley’s behalf, I think. I sort of…zoned out. Cas and Mundane Hannah are picked up by some woman who looks just like Mundannah. I take it that the casting directors also smoke socks. Dean shows up somewhere AND OMG WHO IS EDITING THIS SHOW?? WHY ARE THE SCENES SO WEIRD AND CHOPPY?!!!! IT’S TWO MINUTES OF DEAN, TWO MINUTES OF SAM AND THEN TWO MINS OF CROWLEY AND WHOEVER THE FUCK. IS THIS SOME PLOY TO MAKE SURE THAT I’M FORCED TO PAY ATTENTION?
IF IT IS IT’S…WORKING. FUCK.
Anyway, Dean has a conversation with the husband of the woman he’s supposed to be killing. I have no idea what they’re saying because I was ranting about the two minute scenes. The guy makes the mistake of calling Dean a freak and a demon and…well, he bites the dust. El Deano ends his life. Every time someone’s about to die I get the urge to yell ‘FINISH HIIIIIIIIIIIIM’. Or her.
Meanwhile, Sam’s following Dean’s trail and Cole is following Sam’s trail in this weeks edition of Super Smart Sam Loses His Smarts. In yet another two minute scene, there’s some weird creepiness with Cas and some child. I don’t even know. I think we’re supposed to be all like, ‘awwwwwwww’ because Mundannah and Mundannah 2.0 are but. No. It was creepy.
Someone needs to think about the children!
When Crowley finds out that Dean didn’t follow orders, he tells him to ‘pick a bloody side’. And then Crowley breaks up with him and Dean’s all like *smirk* and again, I don’t know if it’s Jensen’s face or the make up department but this is not a good look. For any of us.
As payback, Crowley catches up with Sam and says he knows where Dean is blah, blah, blah. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Mundannah goes to heaven to beg for Cas’ grace, presumably because she’s unaware that she’s doomed because every single female angel dies on this show. Metatron offers her some deal and Castiel shows up before she can take it. Metatron feels it necessary to refer to Cas as ‘Asstiel’…God give me strength. I don’t even have fake laughter in me. Considering that Cas made it to heaven, what the fuck is the problem? So he can’t heal himself or anyone but we’re supposed to buy he’s actually dying? Please. He’s more like a split spaghetti hoop. By the way, I thought we were done with this Metatron shit?
Sam finally catches up with Dean, who’s busy playing with the blade and pretending he can play the piano. I really need someone to feed Jared. He’s drowning in these clothes and it’s sad. Anyway, Dean’s basically all like, ‘I don’t want to be cured! I’m a baaaaaaaaaaad boy!!! I’m not following you!!! Whee!!’ and Sam’s counter is that ‘you’re my brother and I’m here to take you home’.
Excuse me while I vomit.
Cole shows up just as Sam starts waving around handcuffs and Sam’s taken out by a well placed gas-based bomb/Cole’s fist. SAM’S UNCONSCIOUS AGAIN!! YAY!!! Dean and Cole take it outside.
Dean vs Cole = Lots of male posturing. Dean’s so orange that Cole’s getting a residual tan. Anyway, they start fighting. Or well, Cole does. Dean kind of waves his hands a little. This entire scene is embarrassing on so many levels. One, I can barely hear what Dean is growling and two the fighting is awful. Dean reveals that he’s a demon, because yay! He then proceeds to beat the shit out of Cole.
And then he lets Cole live – again – and Sam – who’s awake again! YAY!!! – sics him with holy water and says that it’s over. Thank god because I can’t take much more of Jensen as Demon!Dean because it’s awful. LOL at it taking holy water to tame Deanmon…like, why didn’t Sam just try that before? Anyway.
Dean isn’t impressed.
After Sam gives Crowley back the blade, Crowley retreats back to whatever place he holes up in, stares at some stupid picture of him and Dean and tries his best not to burst into a one-man sing-along of we are never, ever, ever, getting back together.
Cole’s next move is to go to the library to find every book on demons. Uh, good for him. The librarian’s just looking at him like, ‘you’re buyin’ whatever you bleed on.”
Sam tries to tell Dean that there’s still some good in him because he let Cole live. LOL. Dean’s basically all like, ‘Oh yeah, no, see, that was me being a badass!!!! Cole’s going to be distraught foreverrrrrrrrrrr and omg, Sammy, I’m going to make YOUR life a living hell too!! YAY!!!!”
Sam doesn’t look impressed.
I suppose El Deano has earned himself some time in the ‘think-about-your-life-choices-until-the-opportunity-arises-and-you-break-out’/panic room.
Embarrassing. Terrible. Awful. Garbage. The editing was really awful, making it difficult to follow anything. Plot progression was virtually non-existent, minus Dean being back with Sam. The whole thing reeks of ‘been there done that, foolishly spent money on the amulet that I never wore’. The acting is bad as well. Jensen as amped up Demon!Dean is quite close to being on par with Jared Padalecki as Tahmoh Penikett as Gadreel. All that was missing was another drunk!demon!Dean montage set to Queen Of The Night.
And who the fuck are these two?? Crowley’s latest interns?
I am legit worried about Jared though, not that the suspiciously bulked up look is a good one but this skeleton-esque shit isn’t either. FEED HIM SOME CAKE. Also Sam gets knocked out so much that there must be permanent damage. Oh wait…
Anyway, I guess I have Jensen’s episode (he directed episode 3, right?) and my birthday to not look forward to next week. YAY! Thanks for reading! 🙂