snarkview: 9×21, dean winchester is hooked on a feeling that sam doesn’t believe in.

I realised that I missed off season 9 from my graph in my last post, so I decided to do something a little different.

Sorry, Misha.

Anyway, previously: DEAN WAS IN ZOMBIE MODE AND ON THE PATH TO FAILURE, SAM WAS….RUNNING AROUND, CAS WAS…ALSO RUNNING AROUND. METATRON IS EVIL. THIS IS SOMEHOW SAM AND DEAN’S PROBLEM? SAM AND DEAN ARE ALSO STILL TRYING TO KILL SOME DEMON, TO THE EXTENT THAT DEAN HAS THE ‘MARK OF CAIN’ ON HIS ARM. CAIN IS…A DEMON. SO…

I assume that this well end well for Dean.

I can’t even remember how many episodes I’ve seen so far, but my general thoughts on this season can be summed up by this gif:

 

What the episode is called: King of the Damned

What It Should Have Been Called: Ooga-chucka-ooga-ooga-oogaaaa-chucka-ooga!

In the recap, Crowley is addicted to something, Abaddon is now the ‘Knight of Hell’ and the Mark of Cain leads to the first blade or some shit, which can be used to kill the Knight of Hell. The mark comes with ‘great burden’ which is Dean Winchester’s favourite thing, so, it’s perfect for him.

The episode starts with Abbadon saying some shit to some guy with an awful Scottish accent.

Does this show make sense to anyone anymore?

Ohhh, this is the one with the fanboy where Sam and Dean deliver the meta-insults that were supposedly aimed at Beliebers but really could be used to describe their own fans? Ha. Anyway fanboy brags about how he was handpicked by Metatron in a bar. He clearly doesn’t really know anything but he’s kidnapped by Castiel.

Totally makes sense.

Dean is wearing the most hideous jacket I’ve ever seen when he and Sam go to visit Castiel, who’s holed up in some sort of FBI-type center and answering to the title of ‘Commander’. Someone needs to get Castiel a VERY LARGE dose of bitch, please. He wants Sam and Dean to be his goons to do something or other, I wasn’t really paying attention.

In my mind, Castiel and Sam are confronting Dean about his fashion choices.

 

Meanwhile, Crowley is having some kind of Presidential type meeting where he tries to get his followers to plead their allegiance. They apparently can’t speak or something, which Crowley takes to mean BETRAYAL! Abbaddon shows up and starts going on about how Sam and Dean have the First Blade and  Mark of Cain and blah, blah, blah, they should team up together to take Sam and Dean out. These bad guys should really have clued into the fact that Sam and Dean are useless by now.  They literally haven’t killed anything ‘Big’ since they took out Lilith. Unless we count Mitch Pillegi’s eyebrows, because they had a life of their own.  Abbaddon has Crowley’s son (the guy with the bad Scottish accent) and well…she tortures him and blah, blah, blah,  blah. I will summarise all the Crowley shit later because he’s an insufferable toad and the sight of his face makes me want to do damaging things with a spoon.

Sam and Dean are interrogating the Fanboy. Dean gets all mock-threatening and then he and Sam unleash some kind of poorly acted sequence where they use reverse psychology to get information from the guy. Fanboy, fanboy, fanboy, what are you doing? Sam and Dean do their whole ‘oh, you’re a fan bahahah’ schtick and…this is terrible. This is Days Of Our Lives terrible. In fact I would rather watch Jensen’s skinny, blond with frosted tips ass frolicking in a pool in the most excruciatingly, painfully, cheesy way ever than that scene.

Fanboy is killed in like two seconds, and Dean surmises that Castiel’s operation has been hacked and that Metatron has someone ‘in the inside’. Dean decides to investigate. Castiel asks Sam about Gadreel and despite the fact that he was offline when Gadreel was out playing Snakes and Ladders with Metatron, Sam can tell that Gadreel wasn’t at rest and that he felt misunderstood. Sounds like projection to me, but okay. Someone has clearly realised that Tahmoh Penikett makes a shitty bad guy accomplice. He literally looks like he spends his downtime picking strawberries.

Castiel meets up with Tahmoh Penikett as Gadreel (who has a serious case of protractor mouth and bad accent-itis). He tries to get Tahmoh as Gadreel to switch loyalties, when really someone should be trying to get both of them to invest in chapstick. They’re attacked by some angels but sadly they don’t die.

Dean has some sort of bizarre type vision where he’s holding the First Blade and killing a demon, and then Sam yells at him to drop it. In reality Sam’s trying to get  his attention. He gets a call from Crowley who says he will tell them the location of the blade. Of course, it’s a trap and after a poorly acted rant about how the blade is inside a corpse, they are accosted by a hellhound called Juliet.  They call Crowley, who calls off the hellhound and then warns Dean that they’re about to walk into another trap. Oh dear.

Castiel and Tahmoh as Gadreel are having another heart to heart in the middle of the fucking street. Castiel asks for reports on what Metatron is up to. Tahmoh whines about something or other….blah, blah, blah, blah.

In the meantime, Dean ditches Sam and goes to meet Crowley by himself. After a few seconds he finds himself glued to the wall, demon-style. In all fairness, if my brother’s hair looked like this, I’d ditch him too

.

Dean’s arm starts to glow. Sigh. We’re back to Glowing Arm Syndrome. Seriously, if the show can only afford low-budget effects they should just not bother and use the money to make Jared look presentable and to buy jackets that don’t make my eyes want to shrivel up and die.

 

What happens next is the most cringe worthy thing I’ve ever seen. I actually have to pause it and prepare myself for the atrocity of the scene. Dean’s magical glowing arm gives him enough strength/hell-feelings to unglue himself from the wall and then he gets protractor mouth x 500. He looks like he’s having some kind of hell seizure but in reality Jensen just looks really fucking stupid. I am embarrassed for him. He deserves an Emmy alright. In this case Emmy = Excellent at Monstrously, Mediocre PortraYal of a character.

Dean drops the blade but then uses his mind to pick it up. Oh goodness me. HIS MIND!!!!!!!!!!!! How amazing. He then kills Abbaddon (another female character bites the dust!) and goes completely insane and keeps stabbing her dead body so he can burst all the fake blood packets and get blood splatter all over his face. Yawn.  Sam returns from his stay in the wallpaper and somehow gets through to Dean’s giant head and gets him to stop. Crowley reveals that he warned Dean and Sam’s all like, ‘SAY WHAAAAAAAAT’ in the form of a facial expression where he imitates sucking a prune. They start talking about Crowley’s son and Sam has the nerve to lecture Crowley about following the rules and sending him back to wherever the fuck he came from. I think somehow the show has managed to make light of child abuse and child neglect within this whole situation with Crowley’s son so I can’t be bothered to summarise any of it.

In the last scene, Dean bullshits about how he knew that he’d take down Abaddon the first time he touched the blade. Uh…I should hope so. That was pretty much why you got the stupid mark in the first place. Oh and apparently it [the mark] makes him feel calm. LOL. He ditched Sam because he ~had to go it ~alone. Uh-huh. I think Dean’s single brain cell has been eaten up by the fucking Mark of Cain. Sam says some shit about storing the blade until they can kill Crowley and Dean says no, and apparently that’s an acceptable place to end the episode. HALLELUJAH!!

I have no fucking idea what this episode was supposed to prove except for the fact that taking on a mark from a demon has turned Dean into a psychopath, allowing Jensen Ackles to embarrass himself on national television. more the show tries to make me care about Dean’s predicament, the more I hope he dies a very fiery death. Jared was effectively wallpaper again and Misha’s essentially starring in his own shitty angel spin-off within the show.

Anyway, I think The Hoff should play us out! This video > Supernatural.