writing

If Ed Sheeran had a song about cereal…


… I’m pretty sure that it would go like this:
Ed Sheeran – So Surreal (Cereal)

Woke up one day
It was raining
Water on the window pane
Slowly driving me insane
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)

(Hook)
Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

(Chorus)
This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

It was a Monday
Didn’t hear what you say
You looked sad
And I felt bad
Still I pushed you away
Cause every damn day
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)


Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

Bridge [needlessly backed by a gospel choir]

Rice Krispies
Oh yeah, when we had a ball
Cheerios
For when we wished we had it all
Cornflakes
That night we danced in the hall
Honey Nut
Oh, girl you really made me fall
Coco pops
Oh, yeah you had me up against the wall
Cereal (oh na na na na naii)
Girl you had me standing tall

(Hook)

(Chorus) x 3


If you’re wondering why I penned this song (lmao), the answer is that I don’t get Ed Sheeran. He went from being a WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) to an overexposed and overrated WGWG. I actually liked his first album. Lego House. Give Me Love. A Team etc. Everything else that’s come after it – nope.
Shape Of You still makes me want to take a frying pan to the head.

It’s not unusual for someone to sell out the way he did, and whatever, get money.

I’d just like him to get money without irritating me with his bland, unexciting lyrics.

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OMFG, We’re Shadows! Part 2


It’s getting far too serious around here, so here’s some humour for you!

I started this before I became more active on WordPress, so to explain, it’s like a mock supernatural themed TV show that isn’t solely based on Supernatural (the show that my blog was originally about).

Part one is here. This series kind of fell by the wayside, but good news! Untitled Unrealistic Teen Drama is on it’s way back. I just need to write it and stuff, but… yeah, watch this space. Or casually observe it from time to time.


Omfg, We’re Shadows 2

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT DAY

Tactless is eating his breakfast while Senseless completes his ‘How To Win Her Back’ paper. Senseles happens to be wearing a labcoat

TACTLESS

(sexy frown)

Hey, Dexter, what’s with the lab coat?

Sensitive ignores Tactless and takes a sip of his kale and spinach smoothie.

Tactless grabs a bread roll and throws it at Sensitive

SENSITIVE

Dude, what are you, twelve?

TACTLESS

FYI. My childish antics add to my sexiness levels. Anyway, we can talk about me later. Explain the coat

SENSITIVE

Sometimes I can’t believe that we’re related.And I’m getting ready to make some more visibility elixir because SOMEBODY keeps using it to get laid

TACTLESS

I have it on authority that I’m God’s gift to women. Using that elixir is me doing everybody a great public service

SENSELESS

You have no shame. Need I remind you of Jill?

TACTLESS

(sexy frown)

There’s no H-O-T in shame. So yeah, you’re right about that.Besides, Jill was a special case. What if she and Jack are the convenient legend that we’re yet to determine?

2.

SENSITIVE

I’m still looking into those two. Now…are you going to help me make this elixir?

TACTLESS

Last time I helped we were neon for a week. There’s a reason why you’re the smart one. And even though I’m secretly envious,I’m going to wait until the most inconvenient moment to bring it up. Right now, I’m gonna head to the gym and work on me guns.

Tactless flexes his biceps and barely manages to duck when Sensitive lobs the bread roll back at him.

INT. GYM

CUT TO:

Tactless is doing his soon to be patented sexy-wink walk on the treadmill

He’s smiling at a random woman when he catches sight of a familiar head of blonde hair

TACTLESS

(sexy, angry eyes)

Jill?

Jill looks up, her eyes widening when she sees Tactless. She takes off, leaving Tactless to splutter unintelligently

TACTLESS (CONT’D)

(sexy frown)

HEY, GET BACK HERE!

He tries to run after her but forgets that he’s on the treadmill. He goes down like a ton of bricks and ends up in a heap on the floor.

TACTLESS (CONT’D)

I am far too good looking to have these kind of complications in my life.

EXT. SHADOW UNIVERSITY GARDENS

CUT TO:

3.

Sensitive is sitting on a picnic table, talking to his girlfriend Stacey when Tactless walks up them. Stacey is still a humanoid carrot, although they’ve finally figured out how to make her look less orange.

TACTLESS

Oh, hey, Gi–Stacey? How’s it going?

STACEY

Fine. I guess I’ll leave you two to talk. I know that I’m probably not hot enough to be in your presence

TACTLESS

(smirks)

Hey, if I was into humanoid carrot chicks, I wouldn’t turn you down.

Stacey flips him the bird and kisses Sensitive goodbye and leaves.

SENSITIVE

Dude, what have I told you about speaking to my girlfriend?

TACTLESS

I have no idea. Besides, she hates me for no reason.

SENSITIVE

(eye roll)

You’re the reason why she’s a humanoid carrot thing. You can’t just expect her to forgive you because you’re ‘hot’.

TACTLESS

Whatever. I have a bigger problem. I just spotted Jill. You know the crazy chick that pushed me down a hill. We have to do something!

SENSITIVE

Like what? Take on a murdeeous sibling duo by ourselves?

TACTLESS

Yes, but only after we go through an extended training montage.

SENSITIVE

Wait, what?

4.

INT. GYM

FADE TO:

There’s a long montage of Sensitive and Tactless working out. Tactless flirts incessantly while Sensitive looks uncomfortable. This compelling montage lasts for five unnecessary minutes.

INT. APARTMENT NIGHT

Tactless and Sensitive are sitting in their living room, researching shadow stuff.

TACTLESS

(peers at laptop screen)

According to this one hundred percent factual website, there are a group of people called the Shadow Twisters. They trick Shadows into doing their bidding and increase their strength at the same time.

SENSITIVE

(SEXY FROWN)

That makes no sense. According to the Shadow Book Of Shadows–

TACTLESS

The what now??

SENSITIVE

Oh, sorry. The Shadow Address Book. Alternatively, we can call it the magic book?

TACTLESS

No. No we can’t.

SENSITIVE

You never support my name choices.

TACTLESS

What are you, twelve?

SENSITIVE

I’m just saying.

TACTLESS

You’re too sensitive, buddy.

5.

SENSITIVE

And you’re too tactless. Anyway, like I was saying, the Shadow Address Book says that only shadows can control shadows. Which would mean that…

TACTLESS

Shadow Twisters are shadows!

SENSITIVE

And–

TACTLESS

Jack and Jill are like, dark side shadows! We need to find someone to stop them from hurting innocent people.

Sensitive raises an eyebrow.

SENSITIVE

We ARE the someone!

TACTLESS

I know that I’m supposed to be the dumb one but you need to reboot that sentence.

Sensitive rolls his eyes and gestures towaeds the laptop.

SENSITIVE

We are the ones who have to stop Jack and Jill, this is our destiny.

TACTLESS

But we’re REALLY bad at saving people.

SENSITIVE

You know what they say, it doesn’t matter if you fail, so long as you try to succeed.

Tactless blinks.

TACTLESS

Nobody says that.

SENSITIVE

Well, they should. I tried really hard on my How To Be A Bad Boy paper and I got a B+. What kind of grade is that?

This time, Tactless rolls his eyes.

6.

TACTLESS

A decent one?

SENSITIVE

I’m the smart one. TV history dictates that I shoukd be getting straight As!

TACTLESS

The past five minutes indicate that you were lucky to come away with a B+.

SENSITIVE

Like you can talk.

TACTLESS

I’m just saying!

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT DOORWAY

Tactless is trying to sneak out of the apartment undetected.

Sensitive detects Tactless.

He switches on the porch light and glares at Tactless.

SENSELESS

(sexy glare)

Where do you think you’re going?

TACTLESS

Out.

SENSITIVE

With the elixir that I spent the entire morning making?

TACTLESS

Uh…Maybe.

SENSITIVE

I hate you.

TACTLESS

Save it for episode 3, Sens. Shirtless fight, remember?

SENSITIVE

I still hate you.

7.

Sensitive snatches the bottle of elixir from Tactless and slams the door shut.

TACTLESS

Dammit.

BACK TO:

INT. APARTMENT DAY

Sensitive is eating breakfast and working on his “What Kind Of Flowers Should I Get Her?” paper when Tactless stumbles in. His face is pale and his hair is stuck up in a million directions. He coughs slightly and Senseless wrinkles his nose.

SENSITIVE

Dude, are you getting sick?

TACTLESS

(SNIFF)

No. I’m just a bit poorly because someone stopped me from getting laid last night.

SENSITIVE

Seriously?

TACTLESS

I told you that getting laid was my superpower, Sens.

SENSITIVE

You’re an idiot.

TACTLESS

I’m not denying that, but even idiots need to get laid at some point.

SENSELESS

Look, let’s just deal with Jill and Jack–

Tactless interrupts.

TACTLESS

It’s Jack and Jill

SENSITIVE

Does it matter?

TACTLESS

Yes, you heathen, it matters!

8.

SENSITIVE

Do you even know what heathen means?

TACTLESS

Not really

Senseless sighs and leaves the room.

EXT. PARKING LOT NIGHT

Senseless and Tactless are loading their trunk with weapons that will be ineffective until the last minute.

TACTLESS

So what’s the plan?

SENSELESS

The plan is that we have no plan.

Tactless frowns and pauses.

TACTLESS

So we’re just winging it?

SENSELESS

That implies that we don’t have plan.

TACTLESS

That’s what you said!

SENSELESS

I said that we have no plan, not that we didn’t have a plan.

TACTLESS

I’m starting to see why your girlfriend is so unhappy.

Senseless ignores Tactless in favour of slamming the trunk shut.

CUT TO:

INT. GYM NIGHT

The interior of the gym is quiet and dark. They creep in quietly and use flashlights to see where they’re going

9.

TACTLESS (CONT’D)

(whispering)

Just a quick question. What makes us so certain that Jack and Jill will be here? Wouldn’t somewhere less public be a better lair?

SENSITIVE

Hey, would ya keep it down!

TACTLESS

I was quiet!

SENSITIVE

You were practically yelling

TACTLESS

I was WHISPER yelling. There’s a difference, Sens.

SENSITIVE

Don’t call me that

TACTLESS and SENSITIVE continue to argue and miss the fact that Jack and Jill have crept up behind them.

Jack takes out Tactless with a frying pan successfully. Jill attempts to take out Sensitive with a unicorn slipper and fails.

SENSITIVE (CONT’D)

(snorts)

Really? A fluffy slipper. That’s your weapon?

Jill shrugs and sucker punches Sensitive in the face. He goes down like a lead balloon and she dusts off her hands gleefully.

JACK

Someone needs to tell these pitiful shadows that they talk too much.

CUT TO:

INT. GYM BASEMENT NIGHT

SENSITIVE and TACTLESS are bound by their wrists and ankles. For convenience, their mouths have not been taped shut.

TACTLESS

I blame you for this.

10.

SENSITIVE

How is ANY of this my fault?

TACTLESS

You’re supposed to be the smart one.

SENSITIVE

That’s true, but hey, even Batman has an off day.

TACTLESS

(gasp)

Take that back. Don’t disrespect Batman like that.

SENSITIVE

You’re aware that Batman isn’t real, right?

TACTLESS

La la la la la can’t hear youuuu

Sensitive rolls his eyes and turns away. He sniffs at the air suddenly and his eyes widen.

SENSITIVE

Can you smell that?

TACTLESS

You mean, my cologne, Passionately Dim? It’s meant to last twelve hours.

Sensitive wrinkles his nose in disgust.

SENSITIVE

Yeah, that’s probably it.

A minute or so of silence passes by before Tactless sniffs at the air.

TACTLESS

Okay, yeah, that’s NOT coming from me. Dude, what’s wrong with you?

SENSITIVE

Look, I slept through my Noxious Smells class, okay? I can’t automatically know everything.

TACTLESS

Yes you can! That’s the very definition of being the smart one. Now, let’s just assume that they are trying to poison us, what do we do?

11.

Sensitive stares at Tactless blankly.

TACTLESS (CONT’D)

Oh, so you want me to get us out of this mess?

SENSITIVE

It’s not like you do much else. I make the potion. I get us out of trouble. It’s time for you to step up.

TACTLESS is confused.

TACTLESS

Look, either you get us out of here, or we die. It’s that simple. You have to think about Gina.

SENSITIVE turns to glare at Tactless.

TACTLESS (CONT’D)

Sorry, I mean Stacey.

SENSITIVE

Too bad. I’m on strike.

TACTLESS starts to cough heavily, and Sensitive follows suit seconds later.

They both fall unconscious.

TO BE CONTINUED….

snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part two


This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. You’ll get a prize!

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

I love you, stupid

Season 3 sees Raquel now married to Kyle for green card purposes (this is after Kyle spends all of season two ripping people off so she can get her divorce papers from some loan shark, but okay).

Oscar is in jail due to Sloane handing in a recording that incriminates him in a murder case.

Lionel is running the team but… Jelena and Terrence are trying to buy it from her. Or the League are forcing a sale. I have no fucking clue.

Anyway, also, Zero and Jude get back together, go public and they’re very cute, but oddly (haha, well, sort of) disconnected from all of the other characters bar Lionel and Jelena. It was like having a show within a show. On one hand, it’s good because they seem to be the only characters living on Earth and having normal interactions, on the other, it mean that they had little screen time. Ruuuuude

(more…)

snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part one


This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. Part one and two. LOL.

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

(more…)

The Versatile Blogger Award


the-versatile-blogger-award

decorative-line-black-transparentThe rules:

  • Display Award.
  • Thank the person who gave this award (and include a link to their blog.)
  • Share 7 things about yourself
  • Nominate 15 bloggers and let them know you nominated them

decorative-line-black-transparent

So, first of all I was nominated by the awesome J-Dub! Please go and check out her blog – she always has interesting things to share with everyone 🙂 That anyone likes my random blog let alone nominated it is an amazing feat and much appreciated! I will wear this honour like a badge that I never take off. 🙂 Thank you!

(more…)

omfg, we’re shadows, part one! (aka my mock supernatural drama)


I’m all about equal opportunity, so I’m ‘mocking’ the supernatural genre as a whole and not the show.

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(more…)

CW-esque teen drama finale


WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE’S THE REALLY BAD FINALE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW. I’m also writing a mock CW supernatural/vampire drama now. Clearly the CW is inspirational.

Previous parts are here. (more…)

CW-esque teen drama – episode 5


And this is the point where the non-existent plot goes from slightly to iffy to downright ridic.

Previous parts can be found here. (more…)

CW-esque teen drama, episode 3


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I think the one good thing to come out of this is that I’m learning how to write scripts. 
(more…)

CW-esque teen drama, episode 2


I now have a title card, tagline and a made up production company. And possibly way too much time on my hands. (more…)