bad movies

Bad Moviethon #7 – The Perfect Guy


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #7

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

The Perfect Guy | 2015 | IMDB

Plot:

With a fulfilling career and a loving relationship, lobbyist Leah Vaughn (Sanaa Lathan) seems to have it all. Things come crashing down when Dave, her long-term boyfriend, questions her future plans for marriage and a family. The resulting breakup leaves Leah heartbroken, until she meets the charming and handsome Carter Duncan (Michael Ealy). Soon, the budding romance turns dangerous as Carter reveals his volatile nature, forcing Leah to turn the tables on the man she thought was Mr. Right.

Rotten Tomatoes score: 19%

Review excerpt:

The unsure tone screams that this is a director embarrassed by the film he’s making.

First of all, Michael Ealy.

Secondly, Sanaa Lathan’s hair and wardrobe were on point.

The movie begins with Leah being all domestic with her boyfriend before she breaks up with him because he’s not ready to propose. Sometime soon, she bumps into some guy callee Carter at a coffee shop. Well. More like she turned around and he was grinning at her creepily. It was like he was paid by smile and crazy eyes because there was a lot of that in the opening half an hour. Although, Michael Ealy’s smile and crazy eyes would probably work on me too. Anyway, there’s so iced coffee related flirting stuff (I think that’s what it was supposed to be).

Anyway, after that, Carter saves her from some douche at a bar. They have dinner and things progress. They go dancing and they end up hooking up in the bathroom (recipe for disaster and also unsanitary) and they begin dating. Carter charms her parents, her friends, her cat. Everybody in nearby distance.

At one point I’m sure that someone dreamily says that he seems too good to be true. 

(more…)

Bad Moviethon #6 – Takers


Takers | 2010 | IMDB

The force was with Hayden Christensen’s hat

Synopsis: Gordon Jennings (Idris Elba) and his friends enjoy a luxurious lifestyle funded by bank robberies, and they avoid capture by sticking to a strict set of rules. As they celebrate the latest job, a former associate arrives with a daring plan to rob an armored car. The lure of so much cash is too tempting to resist but, unbeknown to Gordon’s men, this heist puts them on a collision course with Russian mobsters and a detective (Matt Dillon) who will do anything to capture them
Rotten tomatoes score: 28%

Review excerpts:

It seems the writers thought the essentials of a heist film were a half-baked heist sequence and lots of gunfire. They seem to forget that if there’s not a good story and characters in place to carry those extra elements, none of them will matter.

Laughable subplots about Elba’s addicted sister (Marianne Jean-Baptiste) and Dillon’s crooked partner (Jay Hernandez) only slow the action, which is all this movie has going for it.

~

This movie. This damn movie. The cast was good. Michael Ealy. Idris Elba. Hayden Christensen. Paul Walker (RIP). T.I. (okay so maybe good is an exaggeration, but still, most of them are decent actors). Chris Brown was also in this…Eh, well. Beggars can’t be choosers. He’s also down as executive producer. Welp.

Anyway, cast aside, the movie opens with the gang all happy as Larry. They’ve just pulled of a heist, woo!! Money, money, money. Conveniently, T.I. has just been released from jail. He was shot and caught during an older heist and he didn’t rat on them but he’s CLEARLY HOLDING A GRUDGE.

So what do these morons do? They listen to a tip he supposedly got from some Russians in jail. I mean, they’re suspicious but not the kind of suspicious warranted in a situation like this. It’s more ‘why is this seat warm?’ suspicious than ‘where’s my purse?’ suspicious. Goodness.

Anyway, subplots include

  • Idris Elba and his addict sister (Why? So we know why he needs the money? Who cares?)
  • T.I.’s character’s ex-girlfriend is now with one of the other members. She winds up dead.
  • There’s a cop who has his eye on them. He’s also a shitty Dad to his kid. Oh and his partner is corrupt.
  • Chris Brown’s character goes crazy (okay, technically he was running away from the police) and kills said corrupt cop

Anyway, the movie did have an impressive stunt where they steal the money. Let me see how Wikipedia describes it because apparently I was so wowed by the stunt that I don’t remember it.

…it is discovered that two trucks will travel together but that all the money is kept in the lead truck, which holds $12 million.

…Okay.

The crew, dressed as construction workers, hide out underground while Ghost poses as a police officer so he can keep an eye out for the trucks.

Sounds doable.

Meanwhile, in order to cover themselves in case Ghost is setting them up, John heads to the top of a nearby garage to take out Ghost with a sniper rifle in case things go sour.

Oh, really, you know what the best cover would have been? NOT LISTENING TO HIM AT ALL.

 The blast, having been perfectly timed to the time the trucks had turned the last corner, occurs too far forward because the lead driver had stopped short to avoid the bicyclist, and the ruse is up. The lead driver radios the police while armed guards pile out of the rear truck.

This was probably the most exciting scene of the movie. Mostly because it was so stupid.

It is now revealed that Ghost had previously cut a deal with the Russian gangsters to kill his former crewmates in exchange for half of the heist’s take. Ghost gives the Russians the hotel room number, then escapes out the bathroom window, just before the Russians storm the room and attempt to kill the crew.

Yes, he sold them out to the Russians and what ensues is the most ridiculous gunfight ever. The director wasn’t even going for realistic or even video game realism, it was just bad. 

Jake and Jesse return home where, to their horror, Jake finds Lilly’s lifeless body and Jesse finds the safe where they kept their secret stash of money opened and cleaned out. The police surround their home and shoot the two when they make a suicide charge outside.

Remember how I said Chris Brown’s character goes crazy and kills a cop? Yeah, that ends up in them running outside guns blazing while surrounded by the police. It’s the kind of thing that normally isn’t funny, but it was so ridiculous that you just had to laugh.

And after that there’s another gunfight at the airport because Ghost/T.I. is such a master conman that he wants to steal ALL of the group’s money. So he kills their fence (who just had the money in two large suitcases, seriously, what kind of fence is he?) but not before Idris Elba shows up and starts another unnecessarily drawn out battle, along with the cop who shows up because we needed an extra layer of drama. Somehow, Ghost dies, the cop gets shot, Idris gets shot and Paul Walker gets to save the day.

Everyone (besides those who died, which is….At least 80% of the characters) then lives happily ever after.

Rating: 5/10. It was bad but entertaining, so. Half marks from me! Yay!

I really want to watch Space Jam next but every time I say a specific movie it’s never watched. So, #7 is anybody’s guess.

5 Useful Inventions


Guys, I’ve officially run out of things to snark about. I don’t even hate watch anything anymore. I just read the news and watch things that I like. This is no way to live so I will have to rectify that.

*Googles ‘bad movies 2013’*

(more…)

Bad Moviethon #5 – Daredevil (2003)


Daredevil | 2003 | IMDB

Synopsis: A man blinded by toxic waste which also enhanced his remaining senses fights crime as an acrobatic martial arts superhero.

Rotten tomatoes score: 44℅

Review excerpt: 

Torn between moody grandiosity and cartoonish mayhem, Daredevil tries to have it both ways, and succeeds at neither.


Batman & Robin continues to elude me but I caught this on TV last week was inspired to blog about it. Sort of. 

I don’t even need to recap. This movie is garbage

I used to think that people were being unnecessarily harsh about it, but no, it’s bad. The only thing I liked was hearing Won’t Back Down by Fuel in the closing credits. That’s my song! Teenage me probably loved the movie’s soundtrack but overall, the film itself was a mess. It was boring and somewhat nonsensical. Colin Farrell was really cheesy as Bullseye. I have no idea what that first ninja battle scene with Elektra and Daredevil was. Or whichever one happened near that kids playground. I was just shuddering due to the cringe. Not to mention the whole ‘stay‘ thing as it’s raining buckets. UGH. 

The movie is basically like one long Evanescence music video, complete with the soundtrack. 

I don’t even know how Daredevil managed to survive after Elektra almost killed him. Or how he managed to catch up with the Kingpin. It was like time slowed down for me but not the movie? If that makes sense. It barely held my attention.

On the flip side, I suppose it isn’t completely worthless. The visual effects weren’t bad. It makes for good background noise/minor entertainment and there are probably worse movies out there. Like Playing It Cool (I’m still processing just how bad that movie was). 

Anyway, based on this, I can only imagine how bad Affleck’s Batman is. I haven’t seen Batman vs. Superman but I hear that it wasn’t great. How surprising. I suppose the upside is that Affleck still has the perfect jawline for the role. 

Bad Moviethon #4: The Perfect Match


(POTENTIALLY)

BAD MOVIE MARATHON #4

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

[Previous movie]

The Perfect Match | 2016 | imdb

Summary: A playboy named Charlie, convinced that all his relationships are dead, meets the beautiful and mysterious Eva. Agreeing to a casual affair, Charlie then wants a bit more from their relationship. (more…)

retrosnark: friday the 13th/my bloody valentine (2009)



Or basically, the post where I roast myself for my woeful recapping skills of 2009.

I was sifting through my Google Docs folder when I found the reviews I wrote right at the bottom.

I dived in, hoping for some amusement.

I got plenty of it.  (more…)

Bad Movie Marathon #3: ‘Playing It Cool (2014)’ or the one where I abandoned the recap. 


pbmm

(POTENTIALLY)

BAD MOVIE MARATHON #3

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

[previous movie]

I was going to watch Gigli next but I literally burst into laughter and repeated ‘I can’t do it’ about four time so. Expect a recap of that. I have issues. But right now my next pick is Batman & Robin!


This is the slowest marathon ever, I apologise.

Anyway! (more…)

Bad Movie Marathon #2: Scooby-Doo (2004)


pbmm

(POTENTIALLY)

BAD MOVIE MARATHON #2

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

[previous movie]


Scooby-Doo | 2002

Yup. You read that right, lol.

scooby-doo_poster

Zoinks! Two years after a clash of egos forced Mystery Inc. to close its doors, Scooby-Doo and his clever crime-solving cohorts Fred (Freddie Prinze Jr.), Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar), Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) and Velma (Linda Cardellini) are individually summoned to Spooky Island to investigate a series of paranormal incidents at the ultra-hip Spring Break hot spot.

scooby-doo-di-2

Rotten Tomatoes rating: 30%

Review excerpt: The acting is stiff, the story lacks all trace of wit, the sets look like they were borrowed from Gilligan’s Island — and the CGI Scooby might well be the worst special-effects creation of the year. (more…)

Film Reviews: ‘Edge Of Winter’, ‘Pacific Rim’ & ‘The Boy Next Door’


I don’t know why every movie I end up seeing is pants, but well. Apparently I am drawn to pants.
(more…)