Bad Moviethon #33 – Playing For Keeps

PBMM

YEAR
Playing For Keeps 2012 4%
[TOO OFFENDED BY MOVIE TO ADD A PIC]
A former sports star starts coaching his son’s soccer team as a way to get his life together. His attempts are met with challenges from the attractive soccer moms who pursue him at every turn.

Review from RT:

Smarmy. Dopey. Sloppy. Lazy. Creepy. Tone-deaf. Predictable. Embarrassing. Lousy.

This is without a doubt, one of the WORST movies I have ever seen. It is up there with Playing It Cool. I might just avoid all movies that begin with ‘playing’ from on.

The best way I can summarize it, is Gerard Butler plays a deadbeat dad/washed up soccer player. He wants to become a sports broadcaster. He continuously disappoints his son. UNTIIIIIIIIIIIL, one day he helps his son’s soccer team out and all the parents want him to be their coach. He agrees.

For some reason, Dennis Quaid becomes BFF with him.

All the soccer moms want him to kick a ball into their goalposts (if you catch my drift…).

He sleeps with a couple of the soccer moms, because why not? Oh, and one of them has connections to ESPN. Thus begins a bizarre chain of events in which he continuously disappoints his son, tries to win his ex-wife back (…even though she’s getting married to someone else). He bails Dennis Quaid out of jail. Disappoints his son some more before he FINALLY vows to be a good father and then….

He gets a job and he’s like BYE LOSERS!

…and then he has a change of heart and everyone lives happily ever after. I mean, he’s slept with half of the soccer moms on his son’s team, and he’s back with his ex-wife, but why would that be awkward?

Anyway. The cast of this movie is confusing. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler – say no more. However, Uma Thurman? Catherine Zeta-Jones? Dennis Quaid, even, because even he is too good for this.

My head still hurts from watching this nonsense. I think I rage quit in the last five minutes, because I don’t remember anything past the point where I wrote BYE LOSERS! Thank God for Wikipedia.


Overall Rating:

5_Star_Rating_System_0_and_half_star_T
0.5/5

Bad Moviethon #22 – Men In Black: International

#22

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 22%

Synopsis:

The Men in Black have expanded to cover the globe but so have the villains of the universe. To keep everyone safe, decorated Agent H and determined rookie M join forces — an unlikely pairing that just might work. When aliens that can take the form of any human arrive on Earth, H and M embark on a globe-trotting adventure to save the agency — and ultimately the world — from their mischievous plans.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #22 – Men In Black: International”

Bad Moviethon #20 – John Tucker Must Die 

(note: just realised that I owe a few people replies on the last supernatural post – I’ll get to it!…eventually…)

#20

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 26%

Synopsis:

After discovering they are all dating the same same guy (Jesse Metcalfe), three popular students from different cliques band together for revenge, so they enlist the help of a new gal in town and conspire to break the jerk’s heart, while destroying his reputation.

This is basically the ultimate fuckboi movie. 

John Tucker is the quintessential high school quarterback hot stud douche. All the girls love him, all the guys want to be him. Everyone’s existence is dependent on him somehow. 

Somehow, a new girl swans into town and immediately identities John Tucker as a effboy because her mom has dated a long line of effboys (hence why they keep moving lollllll). 

Coincidentally, New Girl happens to work at a restaurant for five minutes and determines that John Tucker has three girlfriends. She also manages to get herself in detention with those three girls and the nasty truth is revealed. 

To make things worse, John Tucker dumps all of them with the same speech. 

New girl then helps them concoct their ultimate revenge plan – destroy his rep and when that fails, make John Tucker fall in love and then cruelly reveal it was all a trick. 

The new girl is basically one huge deux ex machina. She even sets the pace for her own happy ending by crushing on John Tucker’s brother early on. By the way, no one thought it was weird to make the other love interest the biological sibling of the main antagonist? 

Oh and no one thought that Penn Badgely’s hair was a huge no-no? 

Well. 

Actually, it was kind of cute. 

Anyway, after some hilarious hijinks in which John Tucker remains unbothered and unscathed, the movie ends up with him…remaining unbothered and unscathed. 

Yeah, he literally goes back to his fuckboi ways and everyone is like, ‘LOL, THAT GUY IS SOMETHING ELSE!’. He’s literally openly dating multiple people at the end of the film. 

The moral of the story seemed to be… you can’t con a conman because they have no moral compass?

Sadly, that’s true. However, this is movie. It was supposed to deliver me a dead John Tucker, but it didn’t and I am deeply disappointed. 

That being said, I think this movie warrants a 50% at least. 

It was entertaining and endearingly stupid and there was no noticeably bad acting. The soundtrack was cool, too. 

Verdict: 5/10

Bad Moviethon #19 – Killers 

#19

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Rotten Score: 10%

Synopsis: Three years after a fateful trip to the French Riviera, Jen (Katherine Heigl) enjoys the good life in suburbia with her handsome husband, Spencer (Ashton Kutcher). That comes crashing down, however, when gunfire rings out the morning after his 30th birthday. It turns out that Spencer has not been honest with Jen about his job; he’s a deadly spy. Now she must learn to dodge bullets while keeping up an appearance of normalcy.

This movie has to be one of the dumbest things that I have ever seen. Even 10% is a generous score. It was that movie where you just sit back and wonder how many people wasted their time on it. How does a script this awful even get greenlit? Ashton Kutcher’s looks were not enough to save this movie. It’s only saving grace (for me) was seeing Casey Wilson pop up.  Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #19 – Killers “

Bad Moviethon #1 [REPOST]

(POTENTIALLY) BAD MOVIETHON

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

#1 POINT BREAK [REMAKE]

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SUMMARYA young FBI agent infiltrates an extraordinary team of extreme sports athletes he suspects of masterminding a string of unprecedented, sophisticated corporate heists.

WHY I’M WATCHING IT: You know when you watch a trailer and you’re just mystified by what you’re seeing and at the same time, it looks really bright and sunny and PRETTY! And then you finally process it and your reaction is WOW. Just wow. Yeah, that was mine when watching the PB remake trailer. Followed by WHY? And then, ‘Yeah, I don’t think too many people are going to pay to sit through this shit…’ Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #1 [REPOST]”

Bad Moviethon #15-17

(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON 

#15-17

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Let’s Be Cops | 2014

Plot: Two struggling pals dress as police officers for a costume party and become neighborhood sensations. But when these newly-minted “heroes” get tangled in a real life web of mobsters and dirty detectives, they must put their fake badges on the line.

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #15-17”

Bad Moviethon #14 – Red Dawn

in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Red DawnIMDB

When North Korean troops invade U.S. soil and take over the city of Spokane, Wash., a recently returned Iraq War veteran (Chris Hemsworth) and a group of teens (Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson) flee to the woods and form a band of freedom fighters. Dubbing themselves the Wolverines, the youths launch guerrilla attacks against the invaders — but how long they can sustain the fight in the face of the enemy’s superior numbers and firepower remains in question. Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #14 – Red Dawn”

Bad Moviethon #13: Batman and Robin (1997)

(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Batman & Robin |imdb|1997

Plot: Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City

Rotten Tomatoes score : 10%

Line of the movie:

Let’s kick some ice

 I love me some (relatively) old school Batman, but this has to be the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen. Well. Maybe apart from Daredevil.

Anyway, first problem is George Clooney. He has more charisma in those Nespresso commercials than he does in this movie. In fact I’d rather watch a film about a coffee wielding superhero than Batman and Robin. It’s lameness has not been exaggerated, it’s just a poor movie.

First of all, I know that Val Kilmer was originally supposed to be in the movie, but they couldn’t find anyone better than Clooney? Secondly, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze. Mr Freeze is supposed to be desperately trying to save his wife, not happily spray painting himself blue and being the cheesiest villain of all time. Ironically, John Glover plays Dr Jason Woodrue in the movie but he would have been a better fit as Mr Freeze.

Speaking of him, he creates two more ridiculously over the top villains in Bane and Poison Ivy. The motives are generally the typical ones – kill everyone just for the sake of it. But like, only after Poison Ivy spends excessive amounts of time trying to persuade people to kiss her.

Somehow, she works her magic on Batman and Robin, who have been having an internal conflict throughout the movie. By that I mean that Robin is the whiniest, most egregious man child in this movie. He whines when Batman saves him, whines when Poison Ivy goes after them and tries to seduce them. He just whines, whines and whines. It’s too much. Chris O’Donnell was wronged by whoever wrote this script.

They manage to shoehorn in Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. I think she was Alfred’s niece who despite studying in England (and Alfred being English) had an American accent. She also has a thing for bikes and somehow teams up with Batman and Robin at the end.

I really wasn’t paying attention. This is just a poor movie. However, the cheesiness and Batman factor make it somewhat watchable. 

Verdict: 3/10.

Bad Moviethon #12 – Vanilla Sky

(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Vanilla Sky | 2001

Continue reading “Bad Moviethon #12 – Vanilla Sky”

Bad Moviethon #11 – Airplane vs. Volcano (2014)

Movie: Airplane vs. Volcano
Year: 2014

Plot: When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing. But when the relentless onslaught of lava and ash causes fear and distrust amongst those onboard, it isn’t just the volcanoes that are life-threatening. Everyone must learn to work together if they are to survive their epic flight of fire.

IMDB rating: 2.6/10

Moment at which I knew there was no coming back from this cinematic travesty:

You are a big bitch

Yes, that is an actual line from the movie. The poster claims that it’s based on a true story but I can’t and won’t even comprehend that, because in a real scenario, the pilot wouldn’t set the plane to autopilot (over a volatile volcano no less) and not leave the override codes anywhere. At least I hope not.

Anyway, basically a volcano erupts just as a commercial plane is flying over. Somehow, the pilot and co-pilot end up indisposed because, you know, it’s more dramatic that way. Unfortunately the plane is stuck on autopilot but off duty pilot, Dean Cain, just happens to be on board to save the day. 

Imagine that, Superman vs. Volcano. I’d actually watch that. Twice. 

In a real scenario, we wouldn’t have Dean Cain ‘flying’ a plane that was permanently stuck in autopilot. He spends most of the movie in the cockpit steering the plane but… if the plane is on autopilot and the circuits are fried… that’s not possible? I mean, sure he could steer but I don’t know how effective it would be. Yet somehow he could move the plane… Just not enough to move it past the (world’s largest) volcano. 

Anyway, not to be outdone, there was also some weird, sketchy foreign guy on the plane that seemed content on letting them all know that they’re going to die. At one point he tries to kidnap Dean Cain mid-air before threatening to kill some guy with a broken glass bottle. He wanted to do all of that because Dean Cain, a marshal and the flight attendant lied about the pilot being dead. I have no idea why this dude was here. I guess the whole HUGE VOLCANO!! thing wasn’t enough plot, we had to have a random villain thrown in for shits and giggles. 

Oh, and also on the plane a volcano expert (not a coincidence) who got to say all of the science stuff for us. Yay. 

I guess he just forgot his protective gear

On the ground, we have an angry colonel who seems to be incompetent. He ignores Super Volcano Expert Robin Givens’ warnings and sort of stands around and yells a lot. In a real scenario, the first thing they would do is evacuate people and not wait for a huge gust of volcanic ash to fry a bunch of sunbathers first. But yeah, a bunch of people die before they realise that a volcano erupting is kind of a big deal. 

We also have some guy getting sucked into a ball of fire when he exits the plane to unclog an engine. Oh, and having the door open didn’t cause any problems at all DESPITE THE HUGE FIRE BALLS that the plane has barely been dodging up until that point. Okay. 

Anyway, somehow, the crazy foreign man manages to kill the marshal (this is after he vanishes for half an hour because they locked him in the toilet and no one needed to use it) and escape from the plane on a raft before getting blown up. Eventually everyone else on the plane is saved while Dean Cain sacrifices himself somehow in order to stop the volcano or whatever. I had no idea by the end, I was just being stubborn and determined to finish it. 

I think the worst thing about this movie is Dean Cain. I know that the bills have to get paid, but why? Why? The second worst thing is that it’s far too serious. There’s no wink nudge ha ha this movie is pretty silly, it’s acted like they think they’re in some Scorcese flick. That made it very dull and boring. 

Verdict: 0/10.