TV

The Ranch (Netflix)


Ashton Kutcher stars in this Netflix-original sitcom as Colt, who returns home to his family’s ranch in Colorado after his semi-pro football career ends in failure. Colt plans to run the ranching business with his older brother, Rooster, and his father, Beau (Sam Elliott), whom he hasn’t seen in 15 years. In addition to proving himself to his father and navigating family dynamics, Colt is torn between his current girlfriend and his high school sweetheart, Abby (Elisha Cuthbert), when she expresses doubts about her fiance.

I reviewed the pilot episode of this show a while back. The post is no longer up (because I have standards or something, idk!) but the snark was strong.

Based on the pilot, the summary of this show is basically ‘Youngest son returns home after failed football career to find that his father is still a redneck farmer that hates everything.’

The laugh track doesn’t help this show because as people are ‘laughing’, I’m wondering if I’m having a terrible dream. There are wise cracks about Ashton Kutcher wearing Uggs. The first one was so painful that the writer treated us to another. The opening conversation is about Ashton Kutcher’s character slipping when peeing into the mouth of an ice statue. He ended up flashing Shania Twain while he was up in Canada. The following exchange happens:

Brother: I bet she said that ‘don’t impress me much’.

Ashton
: No, she said, ‘man I feel like a woman’.

Laugh track
: ha ha ha ha ha we’re sobbing on the inside.

By the end of the episode, Ashton Kutcher’s character has supposedly failed his football tryout. He asks his father if he can stay and tries to give him money. His father says no and zzzzZzzzzz. Is this a sitcom or weird family drama? Oh and Ashton and his father manage to end a fifteen year drought by arguing. As this happens a song with the lyrics ‘Rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby freaky’ (or something along those lines) plays and I was silently screaming SOMEBODY SAVE ME.

Clearly, I don’t care enough about ranches and hoedowns to like this show. Oh, and I just looked up the reviews and apparently the internet agrees that this show is terrible. Well, some of the internet. Apparently it gets better. Or is it that the pilot is so woeful that it can’t get any worse?

As someone who genuinely liked Undateable (which was a terrible, terrible show), I should probably give this show a few more episodes on that basis. However, if I do, I’m only doing so because I like Elisha Cuthbert.

I’m still mostly watching the show for Elisha Cuthbert. The jokes are so-so and it’s basically a predictable soap opera.

The biggest issue while watching the show was Danny Masterson. His jokes were along the lines of the Shania Twain joke. Insensitive and not very funny. I was also aware of the accusations against him so it was super uncomfortable. He left the show eventually (well, they fired him) so…I don’t know. Perhaps the show can focus on actual humour and discard the cheap laughs.

Or not.

The only major criticism I have is that it’s very repetitive and it looks cheap. I think I read that they shoot it on a soundstage in Burbank (in front of a live audience who apparently laugh at the many, many, f-bombs). Yeah. It shows.

I also hate all of the country music they keep subjecting me to. I don’t think I’m the show’s target audience AT ALL.

And I am not sure why ‘fuck, yeah‘ comes up so many time in the scripts. If they’re ad-libs then…fuck, no. Swearing is a lazy punch line that doesn’t really sound good when it’s a half an hour show. It also sounds so forced on the show at times that I automatically roll my eyes.

Other than that it kind of grows on you. I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either.

It’s harmless background noise and perfect for those nights when you can’t fall asleep, lol.

Verdict: 5/10

ETA: I finished season 2 part 2/season 4 and ugh. Predictable. That and everyone seems to have undergone asshole transplants. Elisha’s character was just annoying which means that my viewership may end sooner rather than later. They need to give her better material. Or maybe just get her to come back as Alex Kerkovich.

#HappyEndings4eva

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I can’t stand TV crossovers


I have nothing to post here (well, beyond a bunch of incomplete movie reviews) so here’s an old post and a random Chris Hemsworth GIF. 


Look, I get it. We have one show here. There’s another over there and LET’S PRETEND THAT THEY’RE IN SAME UNIVERSE.

They’re already in the same universe.

It’s called make believe.

I first encountered crossovers with Chicago Fire and Chicago P.D. Initially, I’d watch Fire first and then PD, but after a while, I had to start watching one episode of one show and then an episode of the other show. And then they added two new shows plus SVU crossovers and I bounced. I don’t have time for mental gymnastics over a TV show. Plus, this doesn’t work internationally anyway – the shows often air on different networks.

So, what are we supposed to do? Sit there and be like, ‘well, son, I think the TV ate half of the episode!’

I know that US networks don’t care beyond their own ratings but it’s annoying and too much work. Why is watching TV now some kind of puzzle wherein I have to figure out what the order the crossover episodes are in and I have to Google extensively just to understand what I’m watching. And also what if I hate the show being crossed over (SVU and soapy television? Not things that typically go together).

I need this current trend to die. Soon. Please.

snarkview: Lie To Me


 

lie-to-me2

The world’s leading deception researcher, Dr. Cal Lightman, studies facial expression, body language and tone of voice to determine when a person is lying and why, which helps law enforcement and government agencies uncover the truth. But his skills also make it easier for him to deceive others.

s-v

You know, my parameter for bad shows is usually ‘is it better or worse than the crap that the Supernatural team have been putting out since season 6?. It’s not difficult to be better than Supernatural. It really isn’t. A reality show based on Vanilla Ice living with Eskimos for six months would be better than Supernatural.

That being said, Lie To Me now has the distinct honour of being even worse than Supernatural. Sort of. Season 1 is great. I have no complaints about season 1. The science was a bit… well, they basically used screengrabs to convey microexpressions which seems iffy to me. There’s a fifty percent chance between it being a genuine microexpression and a well timed screenshot. Someone should let shippers know that, though. Anyway, season 1 reminded me of my second favourite show ever (yeah, despite it’s flaws, Supernatural is still my favourite show purely because it got so bad that I vowed never to get heavily invested in another show. So it still occupies that spot), The Mentalist. It was a typical procedural.

Just not typical enough apparently.

Shawn Ryan took over for the second season and everything went downhill. I guess he wanted to put The Shield in Lie To Me because the main character goes form nerdy scientist to rude Englishman. So he went from speaking like a reasonable person to call everyone a wanker and yelling ‘oi!’ every five minutes. He went from being a consultant to barging into people’s houses, getting into people’s faces. Being waterboarded and tortured by freaking Jason Dohring and coming out unscathed. It was quite the transformation.

Apparently Tim Roth didn’t like the science aspect of the show, so they just abandoned it. It was just Lightman determining who was lying and who wasn’t. And I could deal with that. Except, the acting became really bizarre. I was convinced that Tim Roth was either sick or had a drinking problem but apparently that’s the characterisation.

He flops about, jerks around erratically, pulls faces and can’t sit still. I can’t believe that no one told him how stupid it looked. It killed the show for me. I can sit through silly storylines (like some guy marrying a new woman every six months after cutting deals with the ex-husbands), but not a character being so weird and uncomfortable for no good reason. He even becomes slightly sexist and inappropriate around any female character on-screen except for his teenage daughter, Emily.

That’s another thing. In the first season, he was at least civil to the other main characters. By season 3, he’s just nasty. I couldn’t make sense of it. Was it had writing or just bad acting? They all seem annoyed with each other. Like they all got on the same bus during rush hour and they were on it until the last stop. Pure misery.


Verdict: 8/10 for the first season, 5/10 for the second season (just because I like that episode with all of The Shield characters) and 0/10 for the third season.

Lethal Weapon (FOX) 


Rebooting the hit movie franchise of the same name, “Lethal Weapon” follows Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh as they combat crime in Los Angeles. Following the death of his wife and their unborn child, ex-Navy SEAL Riggs moves to California in search of a new start at the LAPD, where he is paired up with Murtaugh, who recently suffered a near-fatal heart attack. The newcomer’s tendency to not look before he leaps clashes with Murtaugh’s more considered technique, but when they look past the surface friction, they see the partnership might give them what they need.

Technically, this is snarkview. I saw adverts for the show on TV, but it wasn’t until I actually saw the promo on YouTube randomly that I was sucked into watching it. 

The show is, well, charming in its own way. The pilot episode was absolutely horrible, but there’s enough in it to make you continue. That being said, there’s only so much disbelief that I can suspend. 

That the LAPD would continue to allow Riggs and Murtaugh to work together is ridiculous. That we’re supposed to be okay with the whole Riggs wants to die/or does he?! thing is just as ridiculous when his half of his recklessness is just random. I get that he’s the crazy one, but it’s a lot easier to digest in a two hour movie. The entire show is ridiculous. Depending on where you look, people either love it or hate it. 

Take this review on IMDB (where this show has a rating of 8.7/10? LOL)…

I always read the 1/10 reviews because they’re entertaining. And much less annoying than those 10/10 reviews. 

Daman Wayans is a hack who should never have been picked to play Murtaugh.
1/10 | 5 Jul 2017
This show is a sad attempt to imitate a fairly decent movie franchise. Clayne Crawford is barely adequate as Riggs. He’s not even remotely convincing as a bad ass, despite the show’s desperate attempts to portray him as such.
And that accent is just plain annoying. Also, the hair. WTF is that hair about? Speaking of hair, or rather, lack thereof, Daman Wayans was a horrible choice for Murtaugh. He minces and prances through the show like a drag queen reject. His treatment of his new partner reeks of outright contempt, nothing like the grumpy, but ultimately good-natured Murtaugh of the movie. He also is not remotely convincing as a cop. He wouldn’t be convincing as a meter maid. Face it, he’s just a bad comedian who’s also a bad actor and it’s a shame that a fine character like Murtaugh was wasted on this hack. This show needs to be cancelled and the creators need to apologize for ever making it to begin with. But then, that’s me.

I love the last line. Anyway, let me address the most important part. 

Riggs’s hair….

When a character spends half of the time flicking back their hair, it’s distracting. Especially if their haircut kinda sucks. 

Anyway, that review is harsh. I probably wouldn’t have cast Damon Wayans, but he isn’t bad on the show. None of them are except for maybe Hilarie Burton, but that’s only because I feel like she sucks the life out of everything. 

Murtaugh on the show can’t seem to decide whether or not he likes or loathes Riggs. I’m not sure if all episodes aired in the correct order but it was weird for him to be all we’re family in one episode and then the man is nuts in the next. I practically had whiplash. 

Anyway, to sum up season 1:

  • Riggs’s heavily pregnant wife dies while he’s in the middle of investigating a drug cartel related to someone called Tito Flores
  • Six months later, he’s a mess and clearly unfit to work but transfers to LAPD anyway (something to do with his father in law yadda yadda).
  • Murtaugh has heart issues and is just returning back to work, he also has a baby daughter and two kids
  • They argue, Riggs jumps out of buildings a lot. Riggs drinks a lot
  • They’re family
  • They hate each other
  • —-(Therapy sesh x 200 because they wanted to be seen as taking the whole thing seriously (despite making it a running gag – somehow it worked better in the movies)).—
  • They’re fam–no, wait, they hate each other
  • ‘We are faaaamilyyyyy but I want a new partner!’
  • ‘We will save Riggs’s alcoholism with our love!!’
  • Christmas episode – maybe Riggs’ wife’s death wasn’t an accident? Maybe they killed her because he was going after their drug cartel. The cartel leader says ‘You’re [Riggs] not that important’. I was hoping that they would leave it at there but nope.
  • It turns out that the cartel did kill her, but only to get to her father who’s the state attorney (or something) in LA. It was very convoluted. 
  • Along the way, Riggs meets Hilarie Burton and they fall in lust blah blah blah blah. 
  • Murtaugh and his family are cute
  • …. and, after Riggs learned that his FIL knew who killed his daughter the entire time, he turns him in and then goes to Mexico to kill the cartel leader. 
  • Before all of that Riggs kidnaps some guy called Gideon (who is a torturer for the cartel) from police custody. He takes him to his RV, and then up to a cabin and shit gets real and Murtaugh shoots Gideon. Gideon falls down a huge waterfall and washes away. 
  • Two scenes later, Gideon is fine. I honestly thought maybe he had a twin brother but no. The whole gunshot and drowning thing just super turbocharged him. 
  • The finale was crazy bad basically. 

    That’s fine but…

    • Murtaugh, who has three kids and wife decides to follow an unhinged Martin Riggs to Mexico.
    • Bruh. 
    • After spending the entire season bitching about how this dude is going to get you killed you follow him?
    • Even with your three kids. 
    • Your wife.
    • Your pacemaker. 
    • YOUR PACEMAKER. 
    • It was ridiculous but #family
    • Oh and Riggs makes a point of calling the cartel guy to let him know that he’s going to kill him. Doesn’t seem like a smart move but I’m sure Riggs knows Mexico better than the cartels do. They’ll never find him!

    All in all it was entertaining.  I’d recommend it if police procedurals don’t drive you nuts and you’re not someone who’s too good for network TV (you’re only edgy if you’re always watching something on Netflix 😂). 

    Verdict: 6/10

    Side note: I think McG loves CGI explosions almost as much as I love boybands. 

    snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part two


    This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. You’ll get a prize!

    The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

    Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

    First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

    I love you, stupid

    Season 3 sees Raquel now married to Kyle for green card purposes (this is after Kyle spends all of season two ripping people off so she can get her divorce papers from some loan shark, but okay).

    Oscar is in jail due to Sloane handing in a recording that incriminates him in a murder case.

    Lionel is running the team but… Jelena and Terrence are trying to buy it from her. Or the League are forcing a sale. I have no fucking clue.

    Anyway, also, Zero and Jude get back together, go public and they’re very cute, but oddly (haha, well, sort of) disconnected from all of the other characters bar Lionel and Jelena. It was like having a show within a show. On one hand, it’s good because they seem to be the only characters living on Earth and having normal interactions, on the other, it mean that they had little screen time. Ruuuuude

    (more…)

    snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part one


    This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. Part one and two. LOL.

    The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

    Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

    First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

    (more…)

    Common Law (USA, 2012)


    I just rewatched Common Law and I couldn’t find anything I’d written about it. Wait. Let me Google it before I speak on it. Nope. There’s diddly squat. I’m sure I did. I’ll look again after I post this.

    Plot:

    TV has had its share of odd couples through the years, and odd couple is the best way to describe LAPD detectives Travis Marks and Wes Mitchell. Marks is a former juvenile delinquent and a maverick ladies man while Mitchell is a former lawyer who sacrificed his marriage to become a cop. The pair has a seven-year track record as two of the finest detectives in the department’s Robbery-Homicide Division, but the two have a problem — each other. When their bickering starts to have an impact on their work, their new-age captain sends them to couples’ therapy in an attempt to reignite the flame in their “work marriage.” Enter Dr. Ryan, a tough-as-nails therapist tasked with helping Marks and Mitchell understand and resolve their conflicts in order to enhance their ability to continue solving crimes.

    Basically buddy-cop with a twist.

    The buddy cop genre has been around for a while. There’s Rush Hour. Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop, 48 Hours, Bad Boys (Bad Boys, what you gonna do!), 21 Jump Street.

    Tango and Cash.

    I haven’t seen that in years.

    TV-wise, you have a few here and there. Like the Lethal Weapon show. I want to watch that but after Rush Hour, I need it to be on season 2 first.

    Anyway, back onto Common Law.  (more…)

    10 Observations About ‘Being Mary Jane’ Season 4A


    Does anyone else watch this show? Nope? Just me? Well, I enjoy talking to myself anyway, so here we go!

    Spoiler Alerts ahead. 

    1. We’ve come along way from Turkey Baster times.

    2. Michael Ealy. Once I heard he was on the show, I was all over this season like a Beyhive member in a Twitter fight.

    Allllllllll over it

    3. This season is much, much better now that we’re out of Atlanta? Is it just me? It’s a shame that we don’t see her family as much but the change of scenery is good. I don’t miss all of the post it notes. Definitely not.

    4. Lee Truitt, Mj’s boyfriend. Oh, gosh, where do I start. He’s British-Nigerian (tick), he’s got two kids (tick), he’s divorced (tick), he has an unconventional job (comedian, tick), his ex-wife is a lesbian (tick), he’s from Primrose Hill (tick). Said ex-wife wanted him to be her sperm donor (tick).

    I suppose I should be like YAY, someone I can relate to but…. Primrose Hill.

    That accent.

    Nope.

    I’m mostly kidding.

    5. Not here for PJ’s ‘my older, mature, white mentor is in love with me and gave me a Rolex/her daughter is brat’ storyline. Or the Rhonda vs Mary Jane storyline. The actress who plays Ronda is so dramatically over the top that I can’t take her seriously. Although, I can barely take Gabrielle Union seriously, so….

    6. Detective Luke from Sleepy Hollow is on this season! (Again, I need to catch up on Sleepy Hollow). Anyway, his scenes with Kara in episode 4 were EXCRUCIATINGLY BAD. I’ve never before felt compelled to move my screen out of view, but that’s what I did.

    7. Niecy’s character progression was nice. They didn’t have to make her lose all of the money, though. Can’t a girl keep her coins?

    8. Garrett is Tyler from Revenge. Remember that show? Started off great, became a snoozefest after five episodes.

    9. They’re going to put Mary-Jane and Justin together aren’t they? All those ticks for Lee were TV red flags. Just saying. Also, that kiss. I was just like no no no nooooo well, I don’t blame her. ETA: THEY WENT THERE. On the morning show desk no less. Painful viewing. Literally. They were in a room full of cameras. A room where anyone could have seen them. Einstein’s got nothing on them.

    10. Is it bad that I don’t like Kara? She irks me. She’s irksome. (Spot The Mentalist reference!). It sucks that she lost her job, though.

    Anyway, I think there’s a second half of this season so I will be back with a proper review later. Maybe.

    Housekeeping (Blog Update)


    It’s May already. Where does the time go?!

    Many months ago, I contemplated leaving this blog. It served its purpose and I was ready to move on. I haven’t watched Supernatural since 2015. That’s a miracle given that I’ve watched it every year from 2005 to 2015. I persevered and I finally weaned myself off that show.

    But, I kind of like having somewhere to ramble about TV/movies/current affairs/whatever. My other blog is more of a personal space, so I think this blog is a good place for all of that randomness. And I’m always ready to call out Jared Padalecki. Stupid and senseless will always have a home here.

    Just to clarify – there are no new SPN recaps on the way. At least not until the show has an end date. See what I did there? Anyway, I have some Lifetime Snark coming up. A couple of TV posts. Maybe I’ll finally get around to watching RIPD. I will be hating on more things (of course).

    Regarding the Trump posts, they’re not going to be weekly anymore.

    The outcome of the healthcare bill they passed is grim. That a country that claims to be as open and free (well sort of) and have values, and actually care about its patriots can be so blasé about a basic human right (good healthcare) is appalling.

    So, yeah, I’m not bothering with a post this week.

    It’s just depressing, and now that there’s an upcoming election in the UK, I’m focusing on that (I would post about it but it’s…too depressing).

    That being said, I’m going to try and post something political every other week at least. One good thing that’s come out of it is that I am far more knowledgeable than I was before. I definitely think it’s good to keep up with everything, just in case something personally affects you. Or you can just turn into a news junkie like me 😛
    Anyway, yes.

    Random aside: I watched the Teletubbies opening theme yesterday and I was CRYING. It was so bloody bizarre. And hilarious. Why do they have TVs on their screen? Who do they live in a weird isolated community? Why is the Sun a BABY? Why was this considered normal? LOL, I had so many questions, you don’t even know…What a throwback that was.

    The New Edition Story (BET)


    I finally got around to watching this and I honestly have nothing bad to say about it. The acting was good, the music was good, the clothes, the authenticity of each time period was well executed, the Let’s Get Married (Remix) by Jagged Edge usage was on point (that song is my jam, I just heard it again for the first time in ages so I was super happy to hear it on the miniseries)! (more…)