humour

who remembers lindsay lohan’s music?


I have a confession to make.

I Decide by Lindsay Lohan is still my jam.

I can even get down to Rumors.

Over was another, uh, classic. Or something.

She’s no Hilary Duff, but you know, it wasn’t all bad. It wasn’t great but you know, at least she tried. The furthest I’ve gotten is singing to myself at midnight (all fun and games until you realize that there’s a person in that car across the street).

Yeah, anyway, I just felt like I should admit to this. I should probably end the post here.

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Bad Products, cont. 


It’s that time once again. I recommend the products, you decide which one is the least ridiculous and get yourself something special!

1. For the handyman coffee enthusiasts I present the Power Tool Battery Coffee Maker.

Power Tool Battery Coffee Maker CM501DZ means you’ll never be short of a cup of coffee even on a construction site, as long as you have a drill or other power tool lying around

(more…)

Bad Moviethon #1 [REPOST]


(POTENTIALLY) BAD MOVIETHON

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

#1 POINT BREAK [REMAKE]

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SUMMARYA young FBI agent infiltrates an extraordinary team of extreme sports athletes he suspects of masterminding a string of unprecedented, sophisticated corporate heists.

WHY I’M WATCHING IT: You know when you watch a trailer and you’re just mystified by what you’re seeing and at the same time, it looks really bright and sunny and PRETTY! And then you finally process it and your reaction is WOW. Just wow. Yeah, that was mine when watching the PB remake trailer. Followed by WHY? And then, ‘Yeah, I don’t think too many people are going to pay to sit through this shit…’ (more…)

Valentine’s Days gifts that you SHOULD have bought!


I’m on something of a hiatus at the moment, but I figured that I’d swing by and give you some love. By the way, if you went to see Fifty Shades Freed in honour of Valentine’s Day non-ironically, there’s something wrong with you. 
What you should have done instead is bought one of these….

The Brassiere Eye Mask

This is literally some shit out of Fifty Shades of Fuck No. 

Poking fun at Japan’s rather unfair reputation for harboring too many men with strange fetishes, the Brassiere Eye Mask is an amusing way to catch some shut-eye. We’ve all heard those tales of used panties and underwear thieves. Sure, there are a few out there, but the media would have us think that the whole nation was engaged in these, ahem, hobbies. The truth is rather more mundane. Fortunately for fans of the bizarre, Village Vanguard is here with a hilarious eye mask (available in three colors) in the shape of a miniature bra that sits snugly over your face. When you say you got it from Japan, all your coworkers and friends’ questions will be answered!

Oh dear.

The next item is even more bizarre. 

Toilet Noise Blocker Flushing Sound Gadget

It is one of the peculiarities of the Japanese (mostly women, but also men): they’re very self-conscious when it comes to the noises they make when they are on the toilet. Many Westerners are too, of course, but not to the extent that they create a device that makes the sound of flushing water to cover the sound their bodies make. Yes, the On Serebu Toilet Noise Blocker is one such gadget!

Mate, I don’t give a crap what people are doing in the toilet. I think the constant sound of flushing water would drive me berserk, though. WEIRD. 

The next item is for those of you have crazy cat lovers in your life. 

Cat Tail Jeans

The Cat Tail Jeans is your new way to have fun with your pet. Created by cat-themed brand fashion Felissimo and Rinrin Yamano, a manga artist whose cute illustrations have appeared on many Felissimo products, the jeans are especially thick so kittens and cats can latch onto your legs with their claws without causing physical pain to the wearer. And your cat will love trying to get at the mini tail that you attach to the jeans so it swings as you move, attracting their attention. There are also long, pleated pockets that your feline friend will enjoy trying to climb up. The jeans are available in six sizes.

You know what, let us move on because I have nothing to say. 

Exposed Butt T-shirt

This is a shirt for women, right? I’m going to pretend that this is for your average hen do or bachelorette party…No?

Give yourself the, ahem, butt of your dreams, whether you are a guy or a girl, with this Mousou Exposed Butt T-Shirt. On the front of the white shirt sits a cute female rear in panties, exposed to the whole world for all to see… on your chest. This hilarious parody clothing will be a big hit at parties, when walking down the street, or whenever you really want to surprise your coworkers.

…surprise your co-workers? Where does this potential stupid shirt owner work? Frats’R’Us?

Onto our last product which has to be the second most bizarre…

Toenail Art Polish Stockings

In Japan Toenail Art Polish Stockings are taking over in the same way that “tattoo leggings” did a few years ago! Led by retailers like Belle Maison, girls around Tokyo are leaving their nail polish in the drawer and instead slipping on these “fake toe nail” stockings that create even more striking effects on their feet than regular cosmetics! Here you can choose between six types of “pre-painted” stockings: Paint, Line Candy, Tile Flower, Mermaid, Flamingo, or Sunny Shower. There are also two sizes. And since the stocking have separate toes they are more comfortable to wear and better for your feet.

…..

Stockings with separate toes?? With nail art. Put enough liquor in me and I could possibly get to the stage where I have to enter my PayPal details. Hopefully, I would have sobered up by the point. 

Anyway, yes. Feel free to splurge. 

Happy Belated Valentine’s Day!

Bad Products, cont.


Once again, I have ventured onto my favourite website. Once again, I’m shocked, amazed and slightly grossed out.

1. Upskirt Umbrella.

Yes. You read that correctly.

We’re not going to pretend this is a mainstream trend in Japan but even the puritans among us have to admit: it’s a fun idea. The Upskirt Umbrella (or An-burera, a play on the words for “underpants” and “umbrella”) by Million Girls Project might be the most original umbrella you ever buy. Please just be careful not to get arrested when using it, though! The Upskirt Umbrella is a very tongue-in-cheek spin on Japan’s reputation for turning schoolgirls into sex objects. Well, it might not improve that image but it certainly makes for a novel way to keep the rain off your head!

Oh, yeah, it’s tongue in cheek and not at all creepy. What normal person would even buy this? I can’t even remember the price but anyone who does should probably be on a watch list somewhere.

2. Lap Pillow Mini Skirt

I don’t even have anything snarky to add here. Just read the text that they have added themselves.

This new version of the now legendary Hizamakura Lap Pillow will no doubt do nothing for Japan’s “wacky” reputation in some corners, but we still reckon it’s an awesome and fun way to get some shut-eye anyway. If you want that maternal feeling of resting your weary head on the legs of a woman, then prop yourself on the Hizamakura.

Resembling the “lap” of a woman, complete with red skirt, this takes you right back to that blissful period of nurture, when someone was watching over your every move. The legs this time are foam, thus making for a more comfortable experience. A great gift for guys, for bachelor parties and more.

This time they’re foam? What the heck were they before? I’m scared to find out so I’m going to move on here.

3. Vegetabrella Lettuce Umbrella

WHY. This is umbrella abomination of the highest order and I am personally offended that they chose lettuce. After two days lettuce ends up soggy. That’s not what I’m looking for in an umbrella. At all. Ever.


4. Pancake Playing Cards

I don’t hate these as much as I should.

Now I want pancakes. Time for me to click off this site. Not that I’d buy anything. Everything is extremely expensive in the sense that it’s not free.

Happy New Year + 2017 roundup. 


Last year I posted… uh, well, not a lot. Or it wasn’t structured or cohesive at any rate.
That’s not going to change.

Supernatural watchers, I’m still on a hiatus/neveragainatus. However, all of the posts will remain up because a lot of them are still quite popular. I guess that’s either a testament to my great wit or the garbage that masquerades as the show these days. If you’d like to discuss the show, there’s an extremely dead open post on the sidebar and you can contact me via email (spnsnark[at]gmail etc).

There will be more movie and TV reviews on the way when I find something that doesn’t put me to sleep. I might even read a book! Or two.

Potentially Bad Moviethon lives on! Send me your recommendations.

The Girl Who Hates Everything does not live on. I love everything now. Seriously.

The Real World: Trump Administration…is on hiatus, much like the administration’s common sense. Same goes for the other political posts. I toyed with making a political blog but then I came to my senses. Life is depressing enough. Two blogs that do a better job than I ever did are Mock Paper Scissors and Trumptimestamp. Brexit no longer exists to me.

Most Popular Posts of 2017

Surprisingly (or not), they’re mostly Supernatural related. Ironically, I had my most views in a calendar year in 2017 despite posting about my blog topic sporadically. Life. 

Here’s a selection:

1. The Real World: Trump Admin, Week 1. Back when we could laugh about it.

2. How To Straighten Your Nose in 3 Minutes. I highly recommend this.

3. Stupid and Senseless: Dean Cain

My ex-TV husband is currently languishing on BET and SyFy. And the CW. Maybe he should become a liberal.

4. Stupid & Senseless: Part Infinity, Jared Padalecki Treats [insert customer service representative] like shit. 

Another ex-TV husband. I think I have bad taste in fictional husbands.

5. Killer Pet Dog Movie. 

They most show this quite often? The best worst thing that Rob Morrow has ever done.

6. Stupid & Senseless: Jared Treating Someone Else Like Shit

Ugh.

My favourite post of 2017 is probably…

Too Mooch Too Soon & this delightful gem but I might be biased.

You know what, here’s everything I posted in 2017 for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

I’ll catch up with you guys later!

5 wonderful christmas gifts…


…for idiots (because they’re people too)!

1. Novelty MAGA brick.

For the Trump supporter that you happen to know (and maybe secretly detest!). This novelty foam brick will be perfect. It can be interpreted in many ways. They can throw it at ‘MSM/libtards’ or it can be thrown at them and maybe knock some sense into their heads? 

Wishful thinking. 

2. Custom Gold Business Card 

For someone who wants to go that extra (douche) mile. Why be incompetent on simple card when you can be incompetent in gold. 

This little light of mine…

3. Memory Enhancing Chewing Gum

….For those of you who happen to know any government officials in the UK/US because these so called world leaders appear to have lost their damn minds. 

This is also handy for those who voted these people in. When everything is a huge mess (more so than it is already) they will try to rewrite history. Hold your close (or not to close) ones accountable today with this memory enhancing chewing gum!

4. Chicken Leg Pants

For the fashion conscious. Have some more angles:

I feel like this would be part of a really good (or bad) Oompa Loompa clothing range. 

5. Hello Kitty Diving Dry Suit

… this one doesn’t require any explanation does it? 

Honourable mentions:

– Fluffy Kitten Underwear

…For the rabid cat enthusiasts in your life.

Last but not least… 

– Leftover Bath Water

What the…

A mineral water themed after dirty bathwater???

Excuse me?!

I have no words for this. Apparently they’re poking fun at someone but I don’t know who nor do I really want to know who. 

Merry Christmas, y’all. 

Stay away from this weird shit. 

Enjoy your day, snarklings!


Everything on this list bar #1 is from © Japan Trend Shop

If Ed Sheeran had a song about cereal…


… I’m pretty sure that it would go like this:
Ed Sheeran – So Surreal (Cereal)

Woke up one day
It was raining
Water on the window pane
Slowly driving me insane
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)

(Hook)
Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

(Chorus)
This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

It was a Monday
Didn’t hear what you say
You looked sad
And I felt bad
Still I pushed you away
Cause every damn day
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)


Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

Bridge [needlessly backed by a gospel choir]

Rice Krispies
Oh yeah, when we had a ball
Cheerios
For when we wished we had it all
Cornflakes
That night we danced in the hall
Honey Nut
Oh, girl you really made me fall
Coco pops
Oh, yeah you had me up against the wall
Cereal (oh na na na na naii)
Girl you had me standing tall

(Hook)

(Chorus) x 3


If you’re wondering why I penned this song (lmao), the answer is that I don’t get Ed Sheeran. He went from being a WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) to an overexposed and overrated WGWG. I actually liked his first album. Lego House. Give Me Love. A Team etc. Everything else that’s come after it – nope.
Shape Of You still makes me want to take a frying pan to the head.

It’s not unusual for someone to sell out the way he did, and whatever, get money.

I’d just like him to get money without irritating me with his bland, unexciting lyrics.

book recommendations…


Speaking of Nancy Drew, I read one of the books the other day.  It was TERRIBLE. I know that Carolyn Keene is probably fifty different people with different levels of questionable writing ability, but it was awful. Whose idea was it to retool the series?

The Nancy Drew Files, or the Nancy Drew Case Files, is a detective fiction series started in 1986 and released by Simon & Schuster, New York. It is a spin-off of the original series of novels featuring Nancy Drew, with a greater emphasis on adventure, malice and romance.

Lol, I wrote a little snarky thing on it after I finished it. I was supposed to review the first five books but that didn’t happen. Hasn’t happened. Yet. Never underestimate the depths of my boredom. 

Here it is:

The Nancy Drew Files

1. Secrets Can Kill (June 1986)

Plot: Nancy poses as a student and goes undercover to investigate a series of thefts at Bedford High.

Snarkified plot: Someone is stealing files and items at a high school in FuckedUpShitAlwaysHappens Heights and the police don’t care. Let’s hire 18 year old Nancy Drew! This time her car is red and not blue because this series is MODERN! 

After some top notch sleuthing (so sole guy being rude to Nancy) we discover that said guy was blackmailing the other students. He dies, no one cares and the case is solved!! 

But wait! 

He also happened to be blackmailing the super hot student that Nancy makes our with for no real reason. Oh, a hot guy! Oh, she might leave her not quite boyfriend, Ned, for hot guy! Oh, but wait, she’s just undercover as a high school student! It would never last. And OH NO, he might be a murderer! Oh, wait. He’s not. He’s just a Russian spy. 

CASE SOLVED!

Turns out that she was just confused and that she loves Ned after all…

Mhmm…

Until the next hot guy she meets while undercover. 

Verdict: LOL.

So yeah, for 2018, I’m going to need some intelligent book recommendations. 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need To Happen


1. iVain

Join us as we follow six individuals who are in love with themselves! Including this preppy millennial who’s planning to propose to herself. 

Preppy millennial: 

I just decided one that that I’d finally met the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. They were right in front of me all along. That person was me. Is me. Yay! I’m funny smart, talented and an independent women. I like all of my own oictures on Instagram. I take over fifty selfies a day. I LOVE ME AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! I DO!

2. CrazYCLISTS 

Join us as we talk to reckless cyclists who continue to endanger themselves and others! Who do they do it? 

Random cyclist: 

It’s not my fault that people are too slow and that cars are too fast! I’m a proud member of the Lycra club! SUCK IT! 

PRODUCER’S NOTE: This show was renamed Crazy Lists because no one gives a fuck about crazy cyclists. 

3. Fantelevision Island

For those of you that can’t stand to be away from your television screens. Forget, binge watching. You now have the chance to be IN your favourite shows. Forever.

Random fan:

“They told me that I’ve never be able to marry Dean Winchester, kiss Sam Winchester or boink Castiel! Thanks to Fantelevision Island, I was able to do all three! Over and over again. And again. Apparently the same shit repeats itself on Supernatural. Who knew? 
Somebody save me please?”

4. Gut Instinct

Join us as we follow six people who DIDN’T follow their gut instinct. 

Including Jenna from Ohio who grudgingly accepted a parcel for her neighbour and was surprised to find out that inside the box was a fire breathing dragon! 

Jenna from Ohio:

“He burned his way out of the box and then destroyed my house. I still have singed hair to this day. My left eyebrow will probably never recover.”


5. The Opinionator

Tired of having people disagree with you all the time? Don’t worry, this show gives you the opportunity to choose one lucky person to sit under The Opinionator! This is a top of the range machine that uses shock therapy, aggressive Japanese pop music and more to sway people’s opinions to your liking. It will turn to your chosen person into the Yes-man that you so desperately need!

Say goodbye to political arguments at Christmas and apply to be on The Opinionator today! Terms and conditions apply. We will also not be paying for any resulting medical costs or provide legal representation when you’re sued for every penny you’ve got. 

Random stupid person: 

I used to have the same arguments with my boyfriend every night until I signed up for the show. Now he agrees with everything I said! It’s awesome. So awesome that when I jokingly said that we should break up he agreed! Wait. Is there any way to reverse this procedure?