humour

Happy New Year + 2017 roundup. 


Last year I posted… uh, well, not a lot. Or it wasn’t structured or cohesive at any rate.
That’s not going to change.

Supernatural watchers, I’m still on a hiatus/neveragainatus. However, all of the posts will remain up because a lot of them are still quite popular. I guess that’s either a testament to my great wit or the garbage that masquerades as the show these days. If you’d like to discuss the show, there’s an extremely dead open post on the sidebar and you can contact me via email (spnsnark[at]gmail etc).

There will be more movie and TV reviews on the way when I find something that doesn’t put me to sleep. I might even read a book! Or two.

Potentially Bad Moviethon lives on! Send me your recommendations.

The Girl Who Hates Everything does not live on. I love everything now. Seriously.

The Real World: Trump Administration…is on hiatus, much like the administration’s common sense. Same goes for the other political posts. I toyed with making a political blog but then I came to my senses. Life is depressing enough. Two blogs that do a better job than I ever did are Mock Paper Scissors and Trumptimestamp. Brexit no longer exists to me.

Most Popular Posts of 2017

Surprisingly (or not), they’re mostly Supernatural related. Ironically, I had my most views in a calendar year in 2017 despite posting about my blog topic sporadically. Life. 

Here’s a selection:

1. The Real World: Trump Admin, Week 1. Back when we could laugh about it.

2. How To Straighten Your Nose in 3 Minutes. I highly recommend this.

3. Stupid and Senseless: Dean Cain

My ex-TV husband is currently languishing on BET and SyFy. And the CW. Maybe he should become a liberal.

4. Stupid & Senseless: Part Infinity, Jared Padalecki Treats [insert customer service representative] like shit. 

Another ex-TV husband. I think I have bad taste in fictional husbands.

5. Killer Pet Dog Movie. 

They most show this quite often? The best worst thing that Rob Morrow has ever done.

6. Stupid & Senseless: Jared Treating Someone Else Like Shit

Ugh.

My favourite post of 2017 is probably…

Too Mooch Too Soon & this delightful gem but I might be biased.

You know what, here’s everything I posted in 2017 for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

I’ll catch up with you guys later!

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5 wonderful christmas gifts…


…for idiots (because they’re people too)!

1. Novelty MAGA brick.

For the Trump supporter that you happen to know (and maybe secretly detest!). This novelty foam brick will be perfect. It can be interpreted in many ways. They can throw it at ‘MSM/libtards’ or it can be thrown at them and maybe knock some sense into their heads? 

Wishful thinking. 

2. Custom Gold Business Card 

For someone who wants to go that extra (douche) mile. Why be incompetent on simple card when you can be incompetent in gold. 

This little light of mine…

3. Memory Enhancing Chewing Gum

….For those of you who happen to know any government officials in the UK/US because these so called world leaders appear to have lost their damn minds. 

This is also handy for those who voted these people in. When everything is a huge mess (more so than it is already) they will try to rewrite history. Hold your close (or not to close) ones accountable today with this memory enhancing chewing gum!

4. Chicken Leg Pants

For the fashion conscious. Have some more angles:

I feel like this would be part of a really good (or bad) Oompa Loompa clothing range. 

5. Hello Kitty Diving Dry Suit

… this one doesn’t require any explanation does it? 

Honourable mentions:

– Fluffy Kitten Underwear

…For the rabid cat enthusiasts in your life.

Last but not least… 

– Leftover Bath Water

What the…

A mineral water themed after dirty bathwater???

Excuse me?!

I have no words for this. Apparently they’re poking fun at someone but I don’t know who nor do I really want to know who. 

Merry Christmas, y’all. 

Stay away from this weird shit. 

Enjoy your day, snarklings!


Everything on this list bar #1 is from © Japan Trend Shop

If Ed Sheeran had a song about cereal…


… I’m pretty sure that it would go like this:
Ed Sheeran – So Surreal (Cereal)

Woke up one day
It was raining
Water on the window pane
Slowly driving me insane
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)

(Hook)
Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

(Chorus)
This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

It was a Monday
Didn’t hear what you say
You looked sad
And I felt bad
Still I pushed you away
Cause every damn day
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)


Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

Bridge [needlessly backed by a gospel choir]

Rice Krispies
Oh yeah, when we had a ball
Cheerios
For when we wished we had it all
Cornflakes
That night we danced in the hall
Honey Nut
Oh, girl you really made me fall
Coco pops
Oh, yeah you had me up against the wall
Cereal (oh na na na na naii)
Girl you had me standing tall

(Hook)

(Chorus) x 3


If you’re wondering why I penned this song (lmao), the answer is that I don’t get Ed Sheeran. He went from being a WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) to an overexposed and overrated WGWG. I actually liked his first album. Lego House. Give Me Love. A Team etc. Everything else that’s come after it – nope.
Shape Of You still makes me want to take a frying pan to the head.

It’s not unusual for someone to sell out the way he did, and whatever, get money.

I’d just like him to get money without irritating me with his bland, unexciting lyrics.

book recommendations…


Speaking of Nancy Drew, I read one of the books the other day.  It was TERRIBLE. I know that Carolyn Keene is probably fifty different people with different levels of questionable writing ability, but it was awful. Whose idea was it to retool the series?

The Nancy Drew Files, or the Nancy Drew Case Files, is a detective fiction series started in 1986 and released by Simon & Schuster, New York. It is a spin-off of the original series of novels featuring Nancy Drew, with a greater emphasis on adventure, malice and romance.

Lol, I wrote a little snarky thing on it after I finished it. I was supposed to review the first five books but that didn’t happen. Hasn’t happened. Yet. Never underestimate the depths of my boredom. 

Here it is:

The Nancy Drew Files

1. Secrets Can Kill (June 1986)

Plot: Nancy poses as a student and goes undercover to investigate a series of thefts at Bedford High.

Snarkified plot: Someone is stealing files and items at a high school in FuckedUpShitAlwaysHappens Heights and the police don’t care. Let’s hire 18 year old Nancy Drew! This time her car is red and not blue because this series is MODERN! 

After some top notch sleuthing (so sole guy being rude to Nancy) we discover that said guy was blackmailing the other students. He dies, no one cares and the case is solved!! 

But wait! 

He also happened to be blackmailing the super hot student that Nancy makes our with for no real reason. Oh, a hot guy! Oh, she might leave her not quite boyfriend, Ned, for hot guy! Oh, but wait, she’s just undercover as a high school student! It would never last. And OH NO, he might be a murderer! Oh, wait. He’s not. He’s just a Russian spy. 

CASE SOLVED!

Turns out that she was just confused and that she loves Ned after all…

Mhmm…

Until the next hot guy she meets while undercover. 

Verdict: LOL.

So yeah, for 2018, I’m going to need some intelligent book recommendations. 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need To Happen


1. iVain

Join us as we follow six individuals who are in love with themselves! Including this preppy millennial who’s planning to propose to herself. 

Preppy millennial: 

I just decided one that that I’d finally met the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. They were right in front of me all along. That person was me. Is me. Yay! I’m funny smart, talented and an independent women. I like all of my own oictures on Instagram. I take over fifty selfies a day. I LOVE ME AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! I DO!

2. CrazYCLISTS 

Join us as we talk to reckless cyclists who continue to endanger themselves and others! Who do they do it? 

Random cyclist: 

It’s not my fault that people are too slow and that cars are too fast! I’m a proud member of the Lycra club! SUCK IT! 

PRODUCER’S NOTE: This show was renamed Crazy Lists because no one gives a fuck about crazy cyclists. 

3. Fantelevision Island

For those of you that can’t stand to be away from your television screens. Forget, binge watching. You now have the chance to be IN your favourite shows. Forever.

Random fan:

“They told me that I’ve never be able to marry Dean Winchester, kiss Sam Winchester or boink Castiel! Thanks to Fantelevision Island, I was able to do all three! Over and over again. And again. Apparently the same shit repeats itself on Supernatural. Who knew? 
Somebody save me please?”

4. Gut Instinct

Join us as we follow six people who DIDN’T follow their gut instinct. 

Including Jenna from Ohio who grudgingly accepted a parcel for her neighbour and was surprised to find out that inside the box was a fire breathing dragon! 

Jenna from Ohio:

“He burned his way out of the box and then destroyed my house. I still have singed hair to this day. My left eyebrow will probably never recover.”


5. The Opinionator

Tired of having people disagree with you all the time? Don’t worry, this show gives you the opportunity to choose one lucky person to sit under The Opinionator! This is a top of the range machine that uses shock therapy, aggressive Japanese pop music and more to sway people’s opinions to your liking. It will turn to your chosen person into the Yes-man that you so desperately need!

Say goodbye to political arguments at Christmas and apply to be on The Opinionator today! Terms and conditions apply. We will also not be paying for any resulting medical costs or provide legal representation when you’re sued for every penny you’ve got. 

Random stupid person: 

I used to have the same arguments with my boyfriend every night until I signed up for the show. Now he agrees with everything I said! It’s awesome. So awesome that when I jokingly said that we should break up he agreed! Wait. Is there any way to reverse this procedure? 

L.O.V.E.


Dark times lie ahead so I’ve gone back. Thanks to the internet, you can play old shows and try and convince yourself that it’s still 2005, back when shit was normal. Well. By normal I mean less crazy because we’ve been on a downward spiral for some time now. The noughties were an interesting time. Reality TV really took off.

There was Newlyweds, wherein Jessica Simpson wondered if she was eating chicken because the tuna can said chicken of the sea on it. And even if you felt sorry for Nick Lachey, he instantly undid that by being a bit of a douche. I recently watched the first season and a some of the second season and it’s awful but amazing at the same time. There was too much stupid in that relationship.

Not to be outdone by her sister, Ashlee Simpson broke through and got her own television show. Her pop career took off and prospered (lol) until her disastrous SNL appearance and a massive influx of boos after her Orange Bowl performance. Neither of which were probably entirely her fault, but the fact that she was a blatant manufactured product meant that people were all too willing to hate her.

I am still confused by the whole fake punk thing she was going for. Black hair, grungy clothes etc. How hardcore. Her music was garbage, and I say this as someone who used to rock to Avril Lavigne. Ashlee Simpson was like a third rate Avril that you’d give money to in order to get her to stop performing.

Anyway, MADtv took her SNL appearance and really ran with it. Some of the skits are hilarious. I almost feel bad for her because they’re brutal.

This is the original video for L.O.V.E (which is sort of catchy and awful at the same time).

And this is the madTV skit:

They also spoofed her show and her SNL performance. I feel bad for laughing but they’re hilarious.

Join me tomorrow for my social commentary on every single episode of That’s So Raven.

(Don’t worry, I’m kidding. I haven’t reached that level of misery just yet.)

Image credit: here

huggable life companions


Here at Supernatural Snark, I’ve posted about many different things. 

There were three seasons of Supernatural recaps. 

There was a recap of the Killer Pet Dog SyFy movie (which is a surprisingly popular post of mine). 

I snarked about Trump for a good three months. 

I’ve even spoken about BET shows. 

It’s been a mixed bag. Somewhere along the line, I discovered Japan Trend Shop and from time to time you’ll see me post the items that I can’t quite wrap my head around.

Today is no different. 

Today I present to you the Japanese Cotton Wife.

Japanese Cotton Wife

Bride-shaped foam cushion by Bibi Lab

Price: US$ 428

bib-lab-japanese-cotton-wife-cushion-1

Looking for that special someone to snuggle up to? Look no further than wacky Japanese home items maker Bibi Lab and their new Japanese Cotton Wife. This bride-shaped cushion feels realistic to the touch, so you can hug and dress her up to get a unique household companion experience.

What. The. Hell. 

What is this? More importantly, why? Why would someone want a wife made out of cotton? What happens when you spill something on her? You’d have to dry clean your wife. That’s grounds for divorce. Irreversible differences. 

You know what would make this even better? Bad jokes.

Keen-eyed observers will spot that this is essentially a parody of real “hug pillows”, which are often decorated with sexy anime characters. The Cotton Wife comes in a washable, skin-colored spandex cover and in two sizes. Needless to say, the taller version has a larger, well, bust than the smaller model.

Bigger fake boobs. Wow. Imagine that. There’s room for improvement, though. How about…a video?

This video made me lose it. THE DANCING. THE MUSIC. I was terrified and amused at the same time.

arnold-schwarzenegger-suspicious-true-lies-squint-not-sure-if-serious-14064209608

This is unbelievably creepy. I can’t understand why any sane or rational thinking person would buy one of these. Just get a teddy bear?

That being said, I can see a scenario where some Supernatural fan buys two of these and creates their own huggable Jared and Jensen. Or [insert crazy fan] creates their version of [insert object(s) of affection].

Welp.

Not to be outdone, Bibi Labs have come up with another design in the same vein. I hope that this one DOESN’T have a video.

Cotton Wife and Husband Hug Pillows

Huggable life companions

cotton-wife-husband-wata-danna-yome-1

Called in Japanese the Wata Yome and Wata Danna, the Cotton Wife and Husband Hug Pillows by Bibi Lab are unique companions for whenever you need a hug. We’ve seen plenty of hug pillows in Japan before but these have the most attractive and, well, huggable designs so far. These spouses have limbs and a torso, while the springy materials are really addictive.

Limbs and a torso…what the…well, that makes these sex cushions perfectly normal then.

These unique pillows are nearly life-size too. Dress them in clothes for the most realistic results. Then you will really get the benefit of hug when you are lonely and you’ll never be short of a dinner partner again. The set includes a brown, anti-static fleece cover.

Imagine turning up to a dinner party and your host’s significant other isn’t real. I would be out of there faster than you say ding ding chicken wing.

cotton-wife-husband-wata-danna-yome-3

I think they’re trying to recreate the spiderman kiss

Oh dearie me. I’m done. 

statistical noise


This video made me laugh SO MUCH so I thought I’d share it here because I have nothing better to post.

Not even because this racist POS is 14% black, but the woman laughing next to him. So freaking funny.

You can say what you like about black people, but we’re an entertaining set of people.

Comic source: here

blue mist and leg angels


Oh no, they say he’s got to go go go Godzilla
Oh no, there goes H20 go go Godzilla

–originally by Blue Öyster Cult with one word changed because…

What. The. Actual. Fuck. 

What a weird combination. Godzilla, who destroys buildings and air moisture, which destroys your stuff if you don’t deal with it.
Seriously, though, a Godzilla humidifier that breathes blue mist. On one hand, it is kind of cool, but on the other…

Why? It’s creepy. LOOK AT THE FEET. 

Also, a humidifier is like a bladder for your house (or wherever). It collects water. It doesn’t need to be fancy, it just needs to be a container of some sort. 

Onto the beauty section and….

Leg shaping? Is this a real thing? Do people wake up one day and think I need to reshape my legs? 

Light, as if your leg is floating? 

That doesn’t sound remotely pleasant. That sounds like something I’d go to the doctor for.  Uh. Just wear tights, it’s cheaper and less headache inducing. Or do leg exercises. Oy. 

Bad Moviethon #13: Batman and Robin (1997)


(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Batman & Robin |imdb|1997

Plot: Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City

Rotten Tomatoes score : 10%

Line of the movie:

Let’s kick some ice

 I love me some (relatively) old school Batman, but this has to be the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen. Well. Maybe apart from Daredevil.

Anyway, first problem is George Clooney. He has more charisma in those Nespresso commercials than he does in this movie. In fact I’d rather watch a film about a coffee wielding superhero than Batman and Robin. It’s lameness has not been exaggerated, it’s just a poor movie.

First of all, I know that Val Kilmer was originally supposed to be in the movie, but they couldn’t find anyone better than Clooney? Secondly, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze. Mr Freeze is supposed to be desperately trying to save his wife, not happily spray painting himself blue and being the cheesiest villain of all time. Ironically, John Glover plays Dr Jason Woodrue in the movie but he would have been a better fit as Mr Freeze.

Speaking of him, he creates two more ridiculously over the top villains in Bane and Poison Ivy. The motives are generally the typical ones – kill everyone just for the sake of it. But like, only after Poison Ivy spends excessive amounts of time trying to persuade people to kiss her.

Somehow, she works her magic on Batman and Robin, who have been having an internal conflict throughout the movie. By that I mean that Robin is the whiniest, most egregious man child in this movie. He whines when Batman saves him, whines when Poison Ivy goes after them and tries to seduce them. He just whines, whines and whines. It’s too much. Chris O’Donnell was wronged by whoever wrote this script.

They manage to shoehorn in Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. I think she was Alfred’s niece who despite studying in England (and Alfred being English) had an American accent. She also has a thing for bikes and somehow teams up with Batman and Robin at the end.

I really wasn’t paying attention. This is just a poor movie. However, the cheesiness and Batman factor make it somewhat watchable. 

Verdict: 3/10.