huggable life companions

Here at Supernatural Snark, I’ve posted about many different things. 

There were three seasons of Supernatural recaps. 

There was a recap of the Killer Pet Dog SyFy movie (which is a surprisingly popular post of mine). 

I snarked about Trump for a good three months. 

I’ve even spoken about BET shows. 

It’s been a mixed bag. Somewhere along the line, I discovered Japan Trend Shop and from time to time you’ll see me post the items that I can’t quite wrap my head around.

Today is no different. 

Today I present to you the Japanese Cotton Wife.

Japanese Cotton Wife

Bride-shaped foam cushion by Bibi Lab

Price: US$ 428

Looking for that special someone to snuggle up to? Look no further than wacky Japanese home items maker Bibi Lab and their new Japanese Cotton Wife. This bride-shaped cushion feels realistic to the touch, so you can hug and dress her up to get a unique household companion experience.

What. The. Hell. 

What is this? More importantly, why? Why would someone want a wife made out of cotton? What happens when you spill something on her? You’d have to dry clean your wife. That’s grounds for divorce. Irreversible differences. 

You know what would make this even better? Bad jokes.

Keen-eyed observers will spot that this is essentially a parody of real “hug pillows”, which are often decorated with sexy anime characters. The Cotton Wife comes in a washable, skin-colored spandex cover and in two sizes. Needless to say, the taller version has a larger, well, bust than the smaller model.

Bigger fake boobs. Wow. Imagine that. There’s room for improvement, though. How about…a video?

This video made me lose it. THE DANCING. THE MUSIC. I was terrified and amused at the same time.

This is unbelievably creepy. I can’t understand why any sane or rational thinking person would buy one of these. Just get a teddy bear?

That being said, I can see a scenario where some Supernatural fan buys two of these and creates their own huggable Jared and Jensen. Or [insert crazy fan] creates their version of [insert object(s) of affection].

Welp.

Not to be outdone, Bibi Labs have come up with another design in the same vein. I hope that this one DOESN’T have a video.

Cotton Wife and Husband Hug Pillows

Huggable life companions

Called in Japanese the Wata Yome and Wata Danna, the Cotton Wife and Husband Hug Pillows by Bibi Lab are unique companions for whenever you need a hug. We’ve seen plenty of hug pillows in Japan before but these have the most attractive and, well, huggable designs so far. These spouses have limbs and a torso, while the springy materials are really addictive.

Limbs and a torso…what the…well, that makes these sex cushions perfectly normal then.

These unique pillows are nearly life-size too. Dress them in clothes for the most realistic results. Then you will really get the benefit of hug when you are lonely and you’ll never be short of a dinner partner again. The set includes a brown, anti-static fleece cover.

Imagine turning up to a dinner party and your host’s significant other isn’t real. I would be out of there faster than you say ding ding chicken wing.

I think they’re trying to recreate the spiderman kiss

Oh dearie me. I’m done. 

Advertisements

statistical noise

This video made me laugh SO MUCH so I thought I’d share it here because I have nothing better to post.

Not even because this racist POS is 14% black, but the woman laughing next to him. So freaking funny.

You can say what you like about black people, but we’re an entertaining set of people.

Comic source: here

blue mist and leg angels

Oh no, they say he’s got to go go go Godzilla
Oh no, there goes H20 go go Godzilla

–originally by Blue Öyster Cult with one word changed because…

What. The. Actual. Fuck. 

What a weird combination. Godzilla, who destroys buildings and air moisture, which destroys your stuff if you don’t deal with it.
Seriously, though, a Godzilla humidifier that breathes blue mist. On one hand, it is kind of cool, but on the other…

Why? It’s creepy. LOOK AT THE FEET. 

Also, a humidifier is like a bladder for your house (or wherever). It collects water. It doesn’t need to be fancy, it just needs to be a container of some sort. 

Onto the beauty section and….

Leg shaping? Is this a real thing? Do people wake up one day and think I need to reshape my legs? 

Light, as if your leg is floating? 

That doesn’t sound remotely pleasant. That sounds like something I’d go to the doctor for.  Uh. Just wear tights, it’s cheaper and less headache inducing. Or do leg exercises. Oy. 

Bad Moviethon #13: Batman and Robin (1997)

(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Batman & Robin |imdb|1997

Plot: Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City

Rotten Tomatoes score : 10%

Line of the movie:

Let’s kick some ice

 I love me some (relatively) old school Batman, but this has to be the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen. Well. Maybe apart from Daredevil.

Anyway, first problem is George Clooney. He has more charisma in those Nespresso commercials than he does in this movie. In fact I’d rather watch a film about a coffee wielding superhero than Batman and Robin. It’s lameness has not been exaggerated, it’s just a poor movie.

First of all, I know that Val Kilmer was originally supposed to be in the movie, but they couldn’t find anyone better than Clooney? Secondly, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze. Mr Freeze is supposed to be desperately trying to save his wife, not happily spray painting himself blue and being the cheesiest villain of all time. Ironically, John Glover plays Dr Jason Woodrue in the movie but he would have been a better fit as Mr Freeze.

Speaking of him, he creates two more ridiculously over the top villains in Bane and Poison Ivy. The motives are generally the typical ones – kill everyone just for the sake of it. But like, only after Poison Ivy spends excessive amounts of time trying to persuade people to kiss her.

Somehow, she works her magic on Batman and Robin, who have been having an internal conflict throughout the movie. By that I mean that Robin is the whiniest, most egregious man child in this movie. He whines when Batman saves him, whines when Poison Ivy goes after them and tries to seduce them. He just whines, whines and whines. It’s too much. Chris O’Donnell was wronged by whoever wrote this script.

They manage to shoehorn in Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. I think she was Alfred’s niece who despite studying in England (and Alfred being English) had an American accent. She also has a thing for bikes and somehow teams up with Batman and Robin at the end.

I really wasn’t paying attention. This is just a poor movie. However, the cheesiness and Batman factor make it somewhat watchable. 

Verdict: 3/10.

what not to do at the gym

WORMS, Germany (FOX11) – Firefighters in Worms, Germany were called in to help free a man who got his body part stuck in the hole of a 2.5kg (5.5 pound) weight at a gym. With the help of a grinder and a hydraulic saw, they were able to break the weight into 5 parts, freeing the man’s penis.

No snark necessary but how does this even happen? Did he just slip into it? I can’t picture the scenario at all. And on top of that, he had to watch and listen as they used a grinder and hydraulic saw. He must have been a complete mess (on top of being an idiot). I’ll file this under ouch. 

[source]

Surround Sound Gone Mad

I was perusing my favourite gadget and beauty products website when I saw this:

First question: what kind of douchebag would use this thing?

Yeah, but why does it have to go around the neck? Why not just normal speakers? No one on this Earth needs neck speakers. If we want to pick up audio things that we’ve missed, that’s what earphones are for.  

Look at how ridiculous he looks! So douchey. It looks like some kind of hipster neck pillow. 

Netflix and chill gone mad. I’m telling you. They could at least come up with a double neck speaker option. This looks so stupid. If I catch any of you with this…

Not to be outdone, Panasonic seem to be vying with Sony in the dumb gadgets stakes. 

….

Or people could just wash their clothes. What difference does it make if you leave something festering overnight. It’s still going to stink and why spend four hundred dollars when you can just Febreze it later (and that’s only if you really don’t want to just wash it). 

This has to be one of the dumbest, most useless things I’ve ever seen. A deodorising hanger. I’m convinced that this site is just trolling at this point. 
 

Takes 5-7 hours to clean a garment

I rest my case.

Introducing furniture that will love you back…

I can’t work out of these are cute or hideous. Or hideously cute. Or terrifying.

snarkview: The Quad & Zoe Ever After (BET)

Note: this was orginally written and forgotten about in May. I’ve decided to set it free, lol. 

Before I start, I just have to ask. What would it cost for BET to have one sensible show. Just one. One. It’s bad enough that you have to pick through a sea of whiteness to find a POC character on other television networks. The one network where that isn’t a problem should have at least one decent show, but no. We get neck rolls and stereotypes. If I wanted to watch that, I’d stick to VH1’s reality line up.

Anyway, I digress.

Zoe Ever After | 2016 | BET

Bad Moviethon #12 – Vanilla Sky

(POTENTIALLY)
BAD MOVIE MARATHON #12 

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

Vanilla Sky | 2001

the girl that hates everything – monstrous mastication

Even though I hate everything, this series has been slow. Maybe I’ve mellowed out? HA! PSYCHE. 

MONSTROUS MASTICATION

Otherwise known as loud chewing. 

Here’s how it goes. 

1. You’re sitting somewhere minding your own business when it starts. 

Sluuuurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Slurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Crinkle. Slurp. Chomp. Womp. 

You wonder what animal has dared to invade your space. You look up and…

It’s another human being. 

2.  It’s an actual person. 

After you get over that shocking realisation, you discover that you can’t focus on anything else. 

All you hear is the feral sound of your fellow person devouring a piece of food that’s probably wondering what crime it has commited. Maybe it’s not succulent enough. Maybe it’s too chewy? Maybe it’s too try? Heck, maybe it tastes too damn good. Who knows. 

You’re too busy screaming to care. 

3. You get a good look at the food ruffian who has disturbed your peace. 

You take a deep breath and silently hope that this nightmare ends soon. 

It doesn’t. 

Suddenly, it’s ALL that you can focus on. Godzilla could show up and he’d still be the second loudest thing in the room. 
Slurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Chomp. Chomp. 

4. You’re distressed. 

Your shoulders start to heave and you resist the urge to cry or bang your head against the wall. 

The noise stops. 

Sweet silence hits your ears. You can breathe again. 

5. The noise starts again. 

You start to feel angry. You realise that while the person really needs to get their life together and eat like a normal person, your rage isn’t normal. 

You decide to plug in your music. If you can’t hear it, you can’t get angry. 

6. You don’t have your earphones. 

YOU DON’T. HAVE. YOUR EARPHONES. 

This time the tears fall. 
Chomp. Sob. Chomp. Sob. Sob. Sob. 

7. As quickly as it began it ends. 

Blissful silence. 

The perpetrator of the crime sits there innocently and you start to feel bad. You resolve not to react so strongly next time. 

Eating isn’t a crime. 

Life is about compromise. 

Some people eat like they’re untrained animals. 

You just have to be okay with it. 

8. Until the next time…

On a serious note, what is wrong with people? 
There are many basic principles one should follow when eating. 

• Don’t talk with your mouth full
• Don’t chew open mouthed. 
• Please be aware of your surroundings before you devour any crunchy food. This includes apples. 
• Don’t say that you can’t help it. You can. You really can. 
• Eat in a padded room if you can’t comply with the above.

In my case… I might have to invest in some earplugs. 

Woosah, y’all. Woo freaking sah.