the girl that hates everything – monstrous mastication

Even though I hate everything, this series has been slow. Maybe I’ve mellowed out? HA! PSYCHE. 


Otherwise known as loud chewing. 

Here’s how it goes. 

1. You’re sitting somewhere minding your own business when it starts. 

Sluuuurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Slurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Crinkle. Slurp. Chomp. Womp. 

You wonder what animal has dared to invade your space. You look up and…

It’s another human being. 

2.  It’s an actual person. 

After you get over that shocking realisation, you discover that you can’t focus on anything else. 

All you hear is the feral sound of your fellow person devouring a piece of food that’s probably wondering what crime it has commited. Maybe it’s not succulent enough. Maybe it’s too chewy? Maybe it’s too try? Heck, maybe it tastes too damn good. Who knows. 

You’re too busy screaming to care. 

3. You get a good look at the food ruffian who has disturbed your peace. 

You take a deep breath and silently hope that this nightmare ends soon. 

It doesn’t. 

Suddenly, it’s ALL that you can focus on. Godzilla could show up and he’d still be the second loudest thing in the room. 
Slurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Chomp. Chomp. 

4. You’re distressed. 

Your shoulders start to heave and you resist the urge to cry or bang your head against the wall. 

The noise stops. 

Sweet silence hits your ears. You can breathe again. 

5. The noise starts again

You start to feel angry. You realise that while the person really needs to get their life together and eat like a normal person, your rage isn’t normal. 

You decide to plug in your music. If you can’t hear it, you can’t get angry. 

6. You don’t have your earphones. 


This time the tears fall. 
Chomp. Sob. Chomp. Sob. Sob. Sob. 

7. As quickly as it began it ends. 

Blissful silence. 

The perpetrator of the crime sits there innocently and you start to feel bad. You resolve not to react so strongly next time. 

Eating isn’t a crime. 

Life is about compromise. 

Some people eat like they’re untrained animals. 

You just have to be okay with it. 

8. Until the next time

On a serious note, what is wrong with people? 
There are many basic principles one should follow when eating. 

  • Don’t talk with your mouth full
  • Don’t chew open mouthed. 
  • Please be aware of your surroundings before you devour any crunchy food. This includes apples. 
  • Don’t say that you can’t help it. You can. You really can. 
  • Eat in a padded room if you can’t comply with the above.

In my case… I might have to invest in some earplugs. 

Woosah, y’all. Woo freaking sah. 

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