stupid and senseless: covid-19 edition

(…and before anyone calls me insensitive, I’m here to complain about other people’s insensitivity – stupid & senseless so happens to be the perfect way to do it).


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Something worse than Supernatural (post season 5) is upon us – COVID-19 – a globe trotting virus that simply doesn’t give a fuck.

In usual fashion, people have taken this opportunity to show us how much they suck.

I’ve decided to give you a nice little round up.

First up we have the UK government whose plan for the virus has to be the most insane thing I’ve ever heard – until I realised that there’s basically no money.  They’re not testing every case because they can’t afford to and they simply don’t have the means to either. How could they when the same government have been cutting service for the past ten years? So they’re basically like, ‘if you catch it, you’re on your own and hey, maybe you’ll be immune?’.

God save us all. Continue reading “stupid and senseless: covid-19 edition”

the girl that hates everything – monstrous mastication

Even though I hate everything, this series has been slow. Maybe I’ve mellowed out? HA! PSYCHE. 

MONSTROUS MASTICATION

Otherwise known as loud chewing. 

Here’s how it goes. 

1. You’re sitting somewhere minding your own business when it starts. 

Sluuuurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Slurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Crinkle. Slurp. Chomp. Womp. 

You wonder what animal has dared to invade your space. You look up and…

It’s another human being. 

2.  It’s an actual person. 

After you get over that shocking realisation, you discover that you can’t focus on anything else. 

All you hear is the feral sound of your fellow person devouring a piece of food that’s probably wondering what crime it has commited. Maybe it’s not succulent enough. Maybe it’s too chewy? Maybe it’s too try? Heck, maybe it tastes too damn good. Who knows. 

You’re too busy screaming to care. 

3. You get a good look at the food ruffian who has disturbed your peace. 

You take a deep breath and silently hope that this nightmare ends soon. 

It doesn’t. 

Suddenly, it’s ALL that you can focus on. Godzilla could show up and he’d still be the second loudest thing in the room. 
Slurp. Smack. Smack. Smack. Chomp. Chomp. 

4. You’re distressed. 

Your shoulders start to heave and you resist the urge to cry or bang your head against the wall. 

The noise stops. 

Sweet silence hits your ears. You can breathe again. 

5. The noise starts again

You start to feel angry. You realise that while the person really needs to get their life together and eat like a normal person, your rage isn’t normal. 

You decide to plug in your music. If you can’t hear it, you can’t get angry. 

6. You don’t have your earphones. 

YOU DON’T. HAVE. YOUR EARPHONES. 

This time the tears fall. 
Chomp. Sob. Chomp. Sob. Sob. Sob. 

7. As quickly as it began it ends. 

Blissful silence. 

The perpetrator of the crime sits there innocently and you start to feel bad. You resolve not to react so strongly next time. 

Eating isn’t a crime. 

Life is about compromise. 

Some people eat like they’re untrained animals. 

You just have to be okay with it. 

8. Until the next time

On a serious note, what is wrong with people? 
There are many basic principles one should follow when eating. 

  • Don’t talk with your mouth full
  • Don’t chew open mouthed. 
  • Please be aware of your surroundings before you devour any crunchy food. This includes apples. 
  • Don’t say that you can’t help it. You can. You really can. 
  • Eat in a padded room if you can’t comply with the above.

In my case… I might have to invest in some earplugs. 

Woosah, y’all. Woo freaking sah. 

tgthe: crowds

The Girl That Hates Everything | Crowds 

I’m going to create a new banner because the other one creeps me out. Eyes? What was I thinking?! So long, shitty banner. 

Hello, new one. 

…Well, I’m no graphic designer. 

Anyway.  Crowds.

CROWDS. There’s always some foolishness happening with crowd. I’m telling you, it’s like some kind of haywire spirit possesses people when they’re forced to navigate through a large crowd. People are so rude.
I shall break down the various things that I ‘hate’ about crowds. 

Pushing

  • There’s always one person who ignores social boundaries and breaches personal space.
  • They seem to want to create space where there isn’t any.
  • If you stumble, they will back up faster than a white grandma accidentally walking into a black church, leaving you to flounder and cause a chain reaction of grumbles, eye rolls and death stares. 
  • Examples: train stations, shopping centres

Bulldozing

  • This person doesn’t give a fuck, they will physically part the crowd by any means necessary.

That awkward game of ‘Which way?’

  • Ugh. 
  • Make up your mind

Slow walkers

  • Move out of the damn way. 
  • Why are they always in the middle somehow?!
  • And then just as you see an opening, THEY MOVE! It’s like playing Tic Tac Toe with humans. 

Human blockades

  • They will stop in the middle of the crowd and cause an unnecessary pile up. 
  • They are the worst. 

Barging

  • The bargers are the aspiring pushers.
  • They’re not brave enough to execute a full on push to so they try to squeeze past using their shoulders. 

Pushchairs

  • They seem to be most prominent when one is running late. WHY?

Groups

  • We get it, you don’t want to be apart from each other but PLEASE. Walking in a line of more than three is unacceptable. 

The Zig Zaggers

  • They will cut across back and forth like there’s no tomorrow
  • Good luck getting past them. 

Loud talkers

  • I’m not interested in how much money you wasted in H&M
  • I might be interested in the football scores, but not enough to want to hear your opinion on it.
  • I’m not interested in your relationship drama
  • I’m not interested in whatever shitty television show you watched last night
  • I’m not interested in your life at all
  • What I’m interested in is you getting out of the way

Dithering

  • Just stop 
  • Move to one side and think about where you need to go. 
  • Don’t wander into the epicenter of the crowd, get in the way and then realise that you need to go the other way. Please. 

I think I have covered most of it. I won’t even get into escalator etiquette. 

People are savages.  

Alternative New Year Resolutions

January is always accompanied by a bunch of new years resolutions that nobody keeps up with. Gym CEOs sit behind large desks and rub their hands with glee because ‘lose weight‘ is usually number one on the list. And fair enough, that’s a reasonable resolution. Or y’know, a personal goal people probably had before January 1st. Let’s be honest, a lot of resolutions are things that people should and probably will be doing anyway. And in light of 2016, nobody who wanted to be a better person last year was truly successful.
So here’s my alternative list of suggestions for people.

**Be Less Of An Asshole**

This one goes out to the deplorables, liberals, brexiteers, remainers, bigots, racist, general assholes. Just try to turn it down a notch and *listen* to other people. Even if you don’t like what they’re saying, acting like a bunch of school girls won’t help anybody. Being a bully doesn’t help anybody. Continue reading “Alternative New Year Resolutions”

I would like to congratulate all cyclists

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I would like to congratulate all cyclists for being cyclists.

Well done. You can ride a contraption with two wheels. You’re doing your bit for the environment. You’re getting some exercise; getting some smog filled/fresh air depending on where you live. Well done!

That being said, some cyclists are the most annoying people that I’m faced with when venturing out. The number of times I’ve almost been hit by a cyclist is ridiculous. It’s as if they expect special treatment while being completely ridiculous at any given location at any given time. I’ve seen cyclists with headphones on, cyclists on the phone, cyclists texting, cyclists doing wheelies in the middle of very busy streets. Taking selfies! The most irritating thing though, is when cyclists run red lights with pedestrian crossings attached to them. Especially the ones with a junction in the middle, linking traffic from four different directions. By the time the lights are green, I’ve been waiting to cross the road for five fucking minutes – longer in some cases. Given that these days, you almost need to be Usain Bolt to make it across before the light goes back to red, the last thing I need to do is to be dodging cyclists and making sure they I’m not knocked over in the middle of the street. If it’s in the city, this all happens before the damn buses get the green light to go. On one hand, fine, they’re trying to get out ahead of the rest of the traffic and I guess dodging people is less dangerous than dodging cars but on the other hand, those other vehicles will catch up with them anyway. Waiting five seconds won’t hurt.

Road rage is also a thing with cyclists. If they don’t hate drivers, then they hate pedestrians. Nothing irritates me more than joint pedestrian/cyclist pathways because to them, it’s either their own irrelevant Tour de France, or in the case of the slow cyclists, Snore de France. I’ve had cyclists give me dirty looks and swear at me for having the temerity to exist. I get the sense that some of them just wake up angry and are too stupid to realise that they can just swerve around people. That’s what the steering handles are for. No one is going to stop in the middle of the street and give way to a cyclist that has just sped around the corner. Huffing and puffing won’t lead to wheels sprouting under people’s feet. I’m going to keep walking at my own pace, thanks.

And then you have the Lycra wearing cyclist who treats every venture outside like it’s a competition. They are the worst. If I saw someone I knew wearing Lycra and cycling, they would instantly cease to exist to me. I saw one recently who called a driver a c**t, for…driving past before he could run a red light? It was so bizarre to me. And then I noticed the Lycra and I knew that crazy had just cycled past me.

Anyway, I’m guessing that it will get worse. Soon you’ll have cycle lanes in stores whizzing past as you’re trying to find a loaf of bread that doesn’t expire tomorrow because no one has the time to eat 22 damn slices in one day!. There will be express express queues. Oh, I can’t wait.

Congratulations, cyclists! You deserve it.

The life of a reformed argumentative bitch, deux.

I wrote part one a while ago and I’m happy to report that I have mostly stuck to everything there. I’ve had some disagreements with people, of course, that’s life but no real major arguments, which is good because this hasn’t been the year for bullshit. *kanye shrug*
Continue reading “The life of a reformed argumentative bitch, deux.”