Burn Baby Burn – if you’re mad enough to read the whole thing, have at it.
This is the summary
While Jared watches Ten Inch Hero, Jared’s sideburns instantly fall
in love lust with Jensen’s Priestly!sideburns. Shenanigans ensue.
SIDEBURNS COPULATE. I’ve read crack!fic, and written some and this is not it. This is just fucked up. Some samples of how awful this actually is.
“Oh wow,” Jared says when Jensen walks on screen. Well. Bursts on, really,
to ridiculous rock music, and now he’s doing a stupid danse. Jensen looks
pretty damn ridiculous in that get-up: spiked mohawk, piercings all over,
heavy eyeliner, and—his jaw drops open. He thought that maybe his own
sideburns—(Bruce and Lee, thank-you-very-much, kung-fu movies are
awesome okay)—were pretty impressive, but those? Damn.
“I, uh,” Jared says, running a hand along his sideburns, coaxing them to stop
tingling. “Bathroom break,” he chokes out.
TINGLING. TINGLING. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
He runs a finger along his right sideburn—Bruce. And then along his left—
Lee. They’re practically radiating heat. Eagerness
Excuse me while I throw up. Three times.
Jared resists the urge to slap Bruce and Lee. Goddamn, they’re whispering
so fucking loud, running a stream of commentary about Jensen’s sideburns.
Oh yeah, baby, work it, Lee hisses, and, oh God. Can sideburns even
CRYING NOW. I CAN’T READ THROUGH IT ANY FUCKING MORE. JUST….READ THIS PASSAGE.
He grabs Jensen’s face in his hands. And then, before Jensen can protest,
Jared leans in and brushes Bruce against Voltaire.
Oh, baby, Bruce moans. Jared can feel it as Bruce’s hairs slot between
Voltaire’s, and Voltaire lets out a little yelp. Maybe Voltaire doesn’t like it,
except then Voltaire starts laughing, and then moaning. Oh yeah, baby. Yeah,
you like it rough, don’t you? Just like this. Oh baby, I’ve been waiting for so long
for this. I’ll be your Cunégonde, I’ll be your Candide. I’ll be whoever the fuck you
want me to be.
I want you to be yourself, Voltaire breathes, then moans. Oh God. Right there.
Just like that, baby.
Yeah? You like that?
Yeah—yeah—oh fuck, baby, that’s good. That’s so good. Faster, baby.
“Jared? What are you—”
Jared grits his teeth and pretends he’s grinning. He rubs a little faster. And
hates himself for it.
Oh—oh—Bruce, Bruce, I’m gonna—Yeah, come for me, baby.
And then Jensen’s cheek twitches, and a look of confusion passes over
Jensen’s face. Jared’s cheek twitches against Jensen’s as well, and he parts
Hey. Hey. What about me?
What, you’re just gonna let Bruce have all the fun? That dirty bastard? I’ve been
patient too, you know. I didn’t even ogle when they were underlength, man! You
gotta give me some respect. Let me have my fun too.
He hates his life. Jared spins Jensen around and turns his head so that Lee’s
facing Rousseau. Lee takes in a surprised little breath.
Never really told anyone, but—I’m into voyeurism. Does that make me a naughty
Fuck, Lee breathes. Yes. A naughty, naughty little boy. You need to be
Yeah? Rousseau says. I’m ready. Lay it on me, Sir.
“What the hell—”
Lee moans as Jared squeezes his eyes shut and dives in, rubbing his cheek
up against Jensen’s.
And you call me a dirty bastard! Bruce says, but there’s no malice in it.
There’s only good-natured laughter, and he’s egging Lee on with little
shouts and yeah!s.
So naughty, Lee moans. Yeah, you like these hard bristles, don’t you?
Yeah, Rousseau moans. Yeah, baby, yeah. So much. Don’t stop.
Lee lets out a little laugh. Oh, you think you’re in control? Baby, you don’t get
to command me to do anything.
Jared pauses. God, this is getting fucked up, fast. Well, no. It’s already
fucked up, but he—he doesn’t know how much longer he can take this. Can
he just—stop this, end this right now—
Jared! Jackie screeches, then swoops down around his neck and practically
strangles him. Come on! You said you would!
Baby, please, Rousseau moans, and Jared holds his breath and dives back in,
rubbing even more viciously, channeling his anger into the motions. Jared
hates his life. Goddammit. This is what he has become, some cheap proxy forsideburn sex, a body controlled by his fucking hair. Is this real life? When
the fuck did he get reduced to this?
Yeah, beg for it, Lee hisses, rubbing so fiercely between Rousseau that Jared
can feel his own cheek growing raw, nevermind Jensen’s.
Please! Please, Sir!
Yeah, call me Sir, beg for it, beg for it—
Sir! Sir, may I come, sir!
Yeah baby, come for me. Come for me.
And then Jared’s cheek gives a great shudder, and Jensen’s cheek twitches
in response, and, oh God, can Jensen hear that? Can he fucking hear that?
Rousseau’s a fucking screamer; there is no way that Jensen isn’t hearing
that. This can’t all be in his mind.
Jared breaks away.
It must’ve been only a few seconds’ worth of sideburn sex, but damn, that
felt like an eternity. His cheeks are glowing, and he’s not sure if that’s postorgasmic bliss, or if he’s blushing furiously. God, how is he ever going to
face Jensen again?
“Uh,” Jensen says, raising an eyebrow and staring at Jared. “Yeah, um. Sure.
I’m… gonna grab a coffee.”
He walks away. Jared breathes out a sigh of relief. Bruce and Lee are
verbally patting themselves on the back, congratulating each other, and
Jackie’s whispering her congratulations as well.
True love, she says, longingly. Oh, Jane! I miss you.
Are you fucking satisfied? Jared thinks, seething. Now that I’ve made an
absolute fool out of myself?
Oh yeah. So satisfied.
Never been better.
Fuck this shit. Thank God he doesn’t have to see Jensen again for the rest of
the day. He manages to strong-arm his way through the rest of the day, and
then he bolts back home. He slams the front door and dashes into the
bathroom; he yanks the cabinet open and pulls out his electric razor. These
fuckers need to go, stat.
Gen pulls the bathroom door open. Jared’s holding the razor in mid-air.
Bruce, Lee, and Jackie’s shrieks drown out the razor’s buzzing.
Hey, man! Not cool! After all we’ve done for you?
Half the reason why the fangirls are so into you is the ’burns, man
Jared Padalecki, you do not kill your friends!
God help the Supernatural fandom.