snarkview: 9×14, sam and dean are survivors

Hey, guys.

Episode title: CAPTIVES

What it should have been called: How Not To Captivate An Audience.

You know what I never noticed before? How disgusting the title card is? IT MAKES MY BRAIN ITCH.


Previously: I assume that Sam and Dean felt this way about each other (I know that Sam most certainly has this on his iPod).

Now that you’re out of my life,  so much better. You thought that I’d be weak without you. But I’m stronger. You thought that I’d be broke without you. But I’m richer. You thought that I’d be sad without you. I laugh harder. You thought I wouldn’t grow without you. Now I’m wiser. Though that I’d be helpless without you. But I’m smarter. You thought that I’d be stressed without you. But I’m chillin’. You thought I wouldn’t sell without you. Sold 9 million.

They’re survivors, guys. They’re not gon’ give up.

Or well, in this case ‘sell’ would be ‘kill’ and they’re probably way too incompetent to kill 9 million demons, bad guys, inhuman nieces/nephews/ex-girlfriends. Oh well.

Continue reading “snarkview: 9×14, sam and dean are survivors”

snarkview: 7.15, Sam visits the library. #spn

sam feels my pain. also this is a picture from a better episode from my favourite season instead of the episode that i will be snarking about out. feel free to judge me.

This is the 6th episode I have snarked about, I think. And I’m already bored of it. Because this season is BORING.

Anyway, after 1500 filler episodes we’re back to the a plot — OH NO. NO WE’RE NOT. it’s basically a filler disguised as an arc episode. Sigh. We start off for fucking years ago (I feel like they’re mocking me here, WHY COULDN’T IT BE FROM A YEAR AGO DURING…WHATEVER SEASON). But the amulet is back – no, Sera this doesn’t make up for the way you guys ruined the amulet by making it a God sensor. And Dean’s ring is back. They’re trying to find Lilith so this is either season 3 or 4 and SAM’s hair DID NOT LOOK LIKE THAT. But whatever.

They’re torturing some demon. Torture, torture, torture for like 5 fucking hours or whatever. There might be some woman or something; I don’t for the life of me know who she is. And then Dean exorcises him! Yeah, we didn’t need a flashback for that. Sam could have just read it all out from his secret diary or whatever.

– crappy title card –

We start with the obligatory  “HEY FOLKS, THIS EPISODE ISN’T ABOUT THE LEVIATHANS, BUT HERE’S A FRIENDLY REMINDER OF WHAT THE LAST THREE EPISODES  OF THE SEASON WILL BE ABOUT AND PROOF THAT WE’RE STILL PRETENDING TO MAINTAIN SOME CONSISTENCY” moment where Dean gets a call from Frank, or bobby 2.0 as I like to call him and manages to mention Dick Roman. *yawn*

Somehow they’re working a case or something and they visit the woman – who I still don’t know – and she’s all like “HEY I KNOW SHIT ABOUT DEMONS, REMEMBER THE ONE FROM ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AND OMG I DO TRANSLATIONS NOW”. And Sam and Dean are like, “oh yeah”. *yawn*

They catch up with the demon – Jeffrey – and tell him the demon is back and blah blah, there’s emphasis on his new dog – code for IT WILL DIE.

Amidst all this Lucifer is back. I see Mark Pellegrino has nothing better to be doing with his life then. Sigh. And Sam starts jabbing his palm again and seriously, surely that cut is all gross and infected by now? Wisely, they do not show us his actual hand. (BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING THERE). He spends half of the episode jabbing it until MORONICALLY, he decides that Lucifer’s going to help him out with the case but I’ll get to that.

Dean stays with Geoffrey while Sam goes to the library to watch the woman on the list of people to be killed. And I used a different spelling of Jeffrey. But yeah, Lucifer shows up as Sam is trying to figure out the case. And Sam apparently forgets all about jabbing his palm in favour of LISTENING TO LUCIFER AND YES, SO DEAN WASN’T ANSWERING HIS PHONE (BECAUSE HE’S A MORON AND JEFFREY TRICKED HIM) IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU LISTEN TO A FUCKING HALLUCINATION OF THE FUCKING ANGEL THAT TORTURED YOU IN HELL. Oy.

All Sam does in the library is…sit a table, listen to Lucifer and catch woman on the list making out with her boyfriend or whatever. Then goes back to sitting at a table. OH and when Lucifer first pops up he freaks Sam out by showing him a vision of all of these people bashing their heads in on the table and..IT’S LIKE THEY’RE MOCKING ME. If I watched this season of Supernatural while sitting at a table, I’d be like this the whole time:



But he does and somehow is led back to that woman who I don’t know after ransacking Jeffrey’s apartment and finding a summon ritual. Sam’s all like, “WHAT IS THIS SHIT” and apparently he’s not being forceful enough and Lucifer’s all like SHOW HER WHO’S BOSS and Sam…basically does exactly what he did before if I dismiss his cute angry!puppy thing. (What?) and Lucifer is all like, “You’re giving me the chills” and…NO HAND JABBING. Seriously maybe all those knocks to the head has had an effect on Sam’s brain cells.

And I know that this is all supposed to show us that Sam is losing it and that his common sense was deep fried extra crispy. But still. Woman shows him the ear that Jeffrey sent and tells him that he has her son blah blah. Oh and Jeffrey needs the BLOOD OF THE EXORCIST. Which is Dean.

Meanwhile, Dean and Jeffrey talk and talk and talk and talk. Also THE DOG DIES because Jeffrey needs it for the ritual or whatever. More talking until Jeffrey says he likes being possessed…oh well, GOOD FOR YOU. (This is an interesting concept, I suppose someone liking the feeling of possession but in a season where there’s been practically no demons, it seems more than random AND THERE’S TOO MUCH TALKING. WE NEVER GET TO SEE HIM IN ACTION)

Ritual done and Woman’s son ends up being possessed. He then SLOW DANCES with Jeffrey before bitchslapping him and saying that he doesn’t need him anymore or something. Then…idk if Dean was actually in danger but Sam comes charging in with a knife or something and attempts to punch the demon who sends him flying across the room. Something else happens and SUDDENLY, woman is yelling out the exorcism ritual and WHOOOOOSH there goes the demon. OKAY, SO. IT’S STILL OUT THERE. NOT ONLY THAT SAM AND DEAN HAVE JUST BEEN UPSTAGE BY THIS WOMAN. BOOOOR-ING.

I don’t care what happened after that. The end scene is upon us and….they’re not in the car. GOOD SIGN. They’re in the motel room and Dean’s all like flopped on his bed and they talk about the case (which they did not actually solve but hey) and Sam’s like, “Are you going to sleep?”…just see my brain cells chart. Dean says something about unconsciousness being better and I wonder where his IV drip of Jack Daniel’s is.

Sam turns to sleep himself but then Lucifer’s like, OH NO YOU DON’T. YOU LET ME IN. *EVIL LAUGH* and like, idk his bed erupts into a pit of fire and it’s reflected in his eyes and just. SEE THE BRAIN CELL CHART. Sam tries to jab at his non-existant wound some more for some reason but Luci’s here to stay.

is it wrong that i'm looking forward to sam's meltdown? 😀




While I appreciate Lucifer’s snarky self, having him there the whole time gets tedious EXTREMELY FAST. But I did like his line to Sam, “Do you even listen to yourself” lol because Sam’s always asking those stupid questions. Like Dean just been choking and Sam will ask if he’s okay. LOL NO. But yeah, it was boring. Seriously and like I said above the idea of this episode was a good one but complete ruined by the actual content of the episode. Anyway, whatever.

See you in March if I can still be bothered to watch. SAM’S HAIR WON’T LET ME GO.