So. Can I just say this. FOR THE LOVE OF PADALECKI, GIVE HIM SCREEN TIME. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ME, JARED SORT OUT YOUR SIDEBURNS. THEY ARE ALIVE. ALIVE. thank you.
PREVIOULSY: bobby is dead. bobby isn’t a ghost yet. did i mention that bobby was de–oh. And Leviathans are still the BORINGEST bad guys EVER. but hey BORINGEST is apparently not a word.
Now: Sam and Depressed!Dean are in a car. It’s not the impala but idgaf anymore. They’re after something. But somehow Sam decides to ask what the plan is when they’re right there. Was the car ride not LONG enough? Not that he needn’t have bothered. Dean’s reply “Don’t die”. I. AM. Speechless. Sam apparently never really wanted an answer anyway. Oh.
They take different sides and somehow 3 seconds later Dean see’s something in the alley and goes charging at it just as Sam reappears from wherever the fuck he went (it was dark and all I saw where SIDEBURNS, OKAY?). Dean’s all like *GROWL* and he collides into the man with…red…red light surrounding him. I don’t know what kind of effects they were going for. But it didn’t really work out. And whoosh! Dean’s GONE. Sam…tries to look worried. At this point, I’d be less concerned about Dean more concerned about my rapidly increasing sideburns length, but that’s just me. Sam can always avoid mirrors.
[Disgusting title card]
TWO DAYS EARLIER: Uhm. I can’t actually remember. Let me think. No, still blank. But let me show you my favorite scene while I remember! SO MUCH HAIR. FLOWING AND OH GOD. SO GLORIOUS. CLICKY ON THE PICS TO SEE BEAUTIFUL GIFS. Btw, if you don’t appreciate the hair there’s something wrong with you move on.
Ignore the Jensen pic because I post it later on. Still failing at wordpess.
Yeah, so Dean and Sam and somewhere – Dean’s reading about Dick Roman online and Sam’s all, “I hope your watching your cartoon smut and not researching Dick Roman”. Okay, seriously, CARTOON SMUT? Who. Who says that? Dean replies, “It’s called anime, it’s an art form”. You mean to tell me that Sam – who went to college – calls anime cartoon smut? Per-lease. Sheriff Mills calls. “Don’t give me that diaper face – I ain’t the one calling you”. I…think we’re supposed to laugh here.
But yes, she calls. I don’t like her. I don’t like how she keeps on popping up because I waste valuable moments of my time trying to remember who the hell she is. She has a case for them or something. I can’t bring myself to care.
The boys play rock paper scissors. Sam wins. Dean quips “How does paper beat rock?”. I facepalm. They do some research and whoever’s writing this episode decides that Dean gets to have more than one brain cell in this episode and he taps into some local camera feeds within 3 seconds or something. FUCK YOU SERA. SAM WAS THE COMPUTER GENIUS. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM OBSOLETE. Yes. Dean’s all ::smug:: about it whereas I am just distracted by the sideburns because MY GOD THEY ARE HUGE. I tune back in to hear Sam say…”Or are you strictly into dick now?”.
Sam’s delivery of the line though was flat – as was Dean’s response so this pleases me. I imagine that all the wincest shippers creamed themselves on the spot. This show is for everybody, not just slash fans.
Some other shit happens. And we’re in the scene from the start. The plan is still “don’t die”. So why they felt it necessary to replay the whole fucking clip again instead of having NOW flash up on the screen is a mystery to me. I can’t bring myself to care – sorry. So just scroll up and read all of that again.
We’re catapulted into 1944 and Dean is—-OH OH OH WAIT. Sorry. Back when I said “Some other shit happens” I didn’t talk about the dude who was all like, “I saw a guy in a Justin Timberlake hat”. Justin Timberlake hat. I feel as though that line was supposed to get a laugh out of me.
So, 1944 and Dean’s arrested. I’m sure this scene was very amusing. I don’t remember much. He’s at the police station and the cop is ridiculing him for having a fake i.d. dated 68 years into the future. Because the writer has decided that Dean is stupid in this scene, he scrunches his face up and starts to count back with…his fingers. I’m sure many people count like that but…well. He looked stupid. Then Eliot Ness comes in and Dean from that point on spends the episode like *_________*. He makes references that I do not understand or remember or care about. He fanboys Elliot Ness to his face and says AWESOME a lot and does some Sean Connery impression or something.
After about five minutes I pray that he shuts the fuck up. Sadly, he doesn’t.
he did look pretty damn hot though. if only this had been a silent movie. Sigh.
So yes. Elliot Ness was a hunter. Who happened to be hunting whatever the fuck Sam and Dean were hunting. The God of Time After Time After Time AKA Jason Dohring because I can’t refer to the dude as simply the God of Time.
Meanwhile, the show hits a new level of boring with Sam/Sheriff Mills. She calls Sam – she’s STILL in a police cruiser, I mean she quite clearly just drives around in that thing for fun because she has no problem with dropping her job (being a sheriff is not important, yo. Don’t you watch TV?!) and getting her ass down to Ohio so she can be in these BORING scenes. They talk about Bobby, sex, pizza, The Kardashians and Sam’s increasingly alarming sideburns and nothing interesting at all.
Back to 1944, and…Dean and Elliot Ness are still after the God of Time. They interview some dude. Jensen looks hot and it’s glorious until he speaks. It’s just a jumble of pop culture references and things I don’t understand. I tune out.
Sam gets sent to sleep by Sheriff Mills in his old pokey room there, and omg it’s glorious. The hair flops everywhere and just omg. Sorry but THIS WAS THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT. HAIR. FLOPPING.
And oh. Somehow Dean has gotten Sam a note from the past through some old, lose brick or something. Still don’t care.
Back in 1944, Elliot Ness and Dean catch up with Jason Dohring. (Sam basically found out that the only way to get Dean back was when he had his hands on Jason Dohring at some specific time and Jason Dohring’s girlfriend from 1944 is alive and tells Sam that it’s 11:34). Yeeeeeeeeah.
So, Sam does all the ritual stuff and here’s the kicker. Cut’s his palm and…uses his blood to write 11:34 on a piece of paper?! LMFAO. Oh, show. So yeah it works and Dean turns up along with Jason Dohring and Sam eventually kills him.
So basically Dean got sent to 1944, hunted with Elliot Ness, got back to 2012 (it should be 2013 but show fails at continuity) and…he doesn’t even get to gank the SOB. Sam who did nothing of importance does because, he’s a MAIN character.
Fuck you, writers.
Oh, it ends with Jason Dohring going all MWAHAHAHA I SEE YOUR FUTURE IT’S FULL OF BLACK OOZE! AND LEVIATHANS. Uhm. We all knew that. Sam and Dean knew that, WHY ARE WE ALL SO SURPRISED?!!!!
Dean: Dad’s on a hunting trip, and he hasn’t been home for a while
Sam: Dude, he’s fine.
Dean: What I’m telling you is that he’s been gone for two weeks.
Dean: Are you high?
Sam: No, I just – this is going to sound really weird.
Dean: Please, what can you possibly say to me that sounds weird, our lives are weird. We defined weird.
Sam:….okay, you can stop saying weird now
Sam: Anyway, so….some random person sent me these DVDs. [walks over to cabinet and rummages around]
Dean: Supernatural? What the hell is this shit?…does it have any hot chicks in it? Is this like, ghost porn?
Sam: Dude!…there’s ghost porn? How is that even possible?
Dean: Meh, so what are the DVDs about?
Dean: Come again?
Sam: They’re about us! Our lives! Everything. There’s even fanfiction about us, some where we’re like, romantically involved.
Dean: [splutters] WAIT, WHAT? Even though we’re brothers?!
Sam: That’s the best part apparently.
Sam: Anyway, the first episode started off like this, and I go with you and we start hunting and — just see for yourself.
********************A week later*********************
Dean: Wait so you mean to tell me that, in the near future you’re going have sex with a wolf, have sex with a demon, have sex with some hot doctor, have sex with some hippie lady, have SINK SEX with cuff action and have a deleted sex scene with an annoying barmaid?
Dean: Meanwhile, I get to have sex with Cassie – who’s is portrayed by some sucky actress by the way – and….a freaking angel? Oh, and eye sex with a MALE angel? How is that fair?
Dean: As the oldest, I should be the one having more onscreen sex!
Sam: Is that all you care about? What about the fact that we BOTH go to hell? That Dad goes to hell? That we go to heaven?
Dean: I don’t know, I stopped paying attention to the plot past season 4
Dean: Because it fucking sucked. You know these DVDs are a blessing. Instead of having our lives turn into some, poorly thought out TV show on a crappy network where we’re stalked and fangirled by some insane girl who MARRIES YOU SAM. MARRIES YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT, we should just quit the job. Head up to Vegas and hit the tables.
Sam: But we have lives to save!
Dean: At what cost? We’ll just be fictional characters that are bitched about or drooled over by a bunch of females or dorky dudes who need to get laid more. Is that what you want in life?
Sam: Well no, but…I don’t want to end up in a ditch in Vegas either.
Dean:….it’s like we’re not even related. Maybe I remind you about Lisa? MY CLOSE ENCOUNTER?SAM, I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THROUGH THAT.
Sam: Can’t we at least live through season 1 – 3, I liked my hair in those seasons. Styling can be a bitch in real life.
Dean: What are you a girl? Also, no way – I go to hell at the end of season 3!
Sam: Oh yeah.
Dean: Oh yeah? Is that all you have to say? Isn’t your girlfriend supposedly dying in 3 days?
Sam: Nah, I broke up with her.
Dean: Oh. So…
Sam: NO, NO YOU CAN’T HOOK UP WITH HER, YOU ASS. I liked you better when you were drunk and whiny in season 7.