snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part two

This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. You’ll get a prize!

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

I love you, stupid

Season 3 sees Raquel now married to Kyle for green card purposes (this is after Kyle spends all of season two ripping people off so she can get her divorce papers from some loan shark, but okay).

Oscar is in jail due to Sloane handing in a recording that incriminates him in a murder case.

Lionel is running the team but… Jelena and Terrence are trying to buy it from her. Or the League are forcing a sale. I have no fucking clue.

Anyway, also, Zero and Jude get back together, go public and they’re very cute, but oddly (haha, well, sort of) disconnected from all of the other characters bar Lionel and Jelena. It was like having a show within a show. On one hand, it’s good because they seem to be the only characters living on Earth and having normal interactions, on the other, it mean that they had little screen time. Ruuuuude

Continue reading “snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part two”

snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part one

This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. Part one and two. LOL.

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

Continue reading “snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part one”

snarkview: ‘paternity court’ and ‘hot bench’

Quick note: To anyone that I owe a reply to – I am the world’s slowest replier to comments but I always get around to them eventually 🙂

s-v

After a year long hiatus from reality TV, I have returned to it because I’m watching an actual TV for the first time in a long time. Mostly it’s been cooking shows, but I have stumbled upon the court based reality shows. Obviously Judge Judy is one but meh. I love her eye roll but not how she rolls (if you know what I mean).

I decided to do a post about them because technically this blog is about me watching bad television. Let’s call this my on-topic post of the month 😀

Anyway, first up we have… Continue reading “snarkview: ‘paternity court’ and ‘hot bench’”

How To Bore Your Audience (As Told By ABC’s “Secret & Lies US”*)

secrets-and-lies-us-54f73ac73ec65-1

*This post is based on season 1. Spoilers ahead!

Season 2 is shaping up to be just as silly but some of my favourite people are in it. DORIAN (Michael Ealy). O’LAUGHLIN (Eric Winter). PETER MILLS (Charlie Barnett). LEM (Kenny Johnson). Wait. Those are fictional characters. Anyway.

Ben Crawford is a self-employed contractor, married to Christy with whom he has two daughters, Natalie, 16, and Abby, 12. His best friend, Dave, lives in their summer house. They have a neighbor, Jess, who is estranged from her husband Scott, who is in the military. Jess and Scott have a five year old son named Tom.

While out for an early morning run, Ben discovers Tom’s body; he was evidently taken from his bed into the woods and killed by six blows to the head from a flashlight.

Detective Cornell is convinced Ben is the killer, Ben cannot prove his innocence because he suffered a blackout after going out drinking with Dave following a fight with Christy over her suspicion of an affair with Jess.

Here’s how to bore your audience.

1. Lull us into a false sense of Ryan Phillippe being attractive enough to keep us watching 

He’s not.

Continue reading “How To Bore Your Audience (As Told By ABC’s “Secret & Lies US”*)”

snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’

s-v

Widow On The Hill | Lifetime (2005)

A sexy young hospice nurse (Natasha Henstridge), is hired by a wealthy man (James Brolin) to care for his sick wife who eventually dies. When the nurse becomes the widower’s new bride and then he dies suspiciously leaving his vast fortune to the new Mrs., his daughter becomes convinced that her gold-digging stepmother is up to no good and could be a murderess.


I think I might just spend the rest of my life snarking about Lifetime movies. They are the gift that keep on giving. I came across this by accident. Someone was so outraged by it that I had to just check it out, lol.

The movie starts with an interview of a woman called Linda. She’s been charged with the murder of her husband and – despite the presence of her lawyer – has agreed to do this interview. Sounds legit.

screenshot-2016-09-25-02-11-22

We cut back to some point before she became rich and got a tiny dog (it’s always a tiny dog) and she tells us that five years ago she was on her 3rd husband. Oh dear. I can tell that this is going to be good. Anyway, hubs number three leaves her and she finds herself staring at this house on a hill. She puts herself through nursing school and shows up to care for wife of the man who owns said house. CONVENIENT. The daughter Jenny is home from school, ’cause the movie needs a main character that’s young enough to remain alive. The daughter is immediately suspicious of the nurse, because she’s young and hot and y’know, not dying.

Continue reading “snarkview: Lifetime’s ‘Widow On The Hill’”

SNARKVIEW: 8X01, we need to talk about why sam’s hair looks like a dead ferret.

Hi all! Don’t fear for I have returned…however, I’m not sure how long for. I might just start banging my head against a wall one of these days. I mean, I’m SOUND TRACKING MY POSTS NOW. Don’t listen to the songs. Just pretend that the hyper-links aren’t in the text.

What the episode is called: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN

What it should have been called: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN’S CONTINUED EXISTENCE AND PUT AN END TO IT.

Continue reading “SNARKVIEW: 8X01, we need to talk about why sam’s hair looks like a dead ferret.”

snarkview: 7.15, Sam visits the library. #spn

sam feels my pain. also this is a picture from a better episode from my favourite season instead of the episode that i will be snarking about out. feel free to judge me.

This is the 6th episode I have snarked about, I think. And I’m already bored of it. Because this season is BORING.

Anyway, after 1500 filler episodes we’re back to the a plot — OH NO. NO WE’RE NOT. it’s basically a filler disguised as an arc episode. Sigh. We start off for fucking years ago (I feel like they’re mocking me here, WHY COULDN’T IT BE FROM A YEAR AGO DURING…WHATEVER SEASON). But the amulet is back – no, Sera this doesn’t make up for the way you guys ruined the amulet by making it a God sensor. And Dean’s ring is back. They’re trying to find Lilith so this is either season 3 or 4 and SAM’s hair DID NOT LOOK LIKE THAT. But whatever.

They’re torturing some demon. Torture, torture, torture for like 5 fucking hours or whatever. There might be some woman or something; I don’t for the life of me know who she is. And then Dean exorcises him! Yeah, we didn’t need a flashback for that. Sam could have just read it all out from his secret diary or whatever.

– crappy title card –

We start with the obligatory  “HEY FOLKS, THIS EPISODE ISN’T ABOUT THE LEVIATHANS, BUT HERE’S A FRIENDLY REMINDER OF WHAT THE LAST THREE EPISODES  OF THE SEASON WILL BE ABOUT AND PROOF THAT WE’RE STILL PRETENDING TO MAINTAIN SOME CONSISTENCY” moment where Dean gets a call from Frank, or bobby 2.0 as I like to call him and manages to mention Dick Roman. *yawn*

Somehow they’re working a case or something and they visit the woman – who I still don’t know – and she’s all like “HEY I KNOW SHIT ABOUT DEMONS, REMEMBER THE ONE FROM ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AND OMG I DO TRANSLATIONS NOW”. And Sam and Dean are like, “oh yeah”. *yawn*

They catch up with the demon – Jeffrey – and tell him the demon is back and blah blah, there’s emphasis on his new dog – code for IT WILL DIE.

Amidst all this Lucifer is back. I see Mark Pellegrino has nothing better to be doing with his life then. Sigh. And Sam starts jabbing his palm again and seriously, surely that cut is all gross and infected by now? Wisely, they do not show us his actual hand. (BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING THERE). He spends half of the episode jabbing it until MORONICALLY, he decides that Lucifer’s going to help him out with the case but I’ll get to that.

Dean stays with Geoffrey while Sam goes to the library to watch the woman on the list of people to be killed. And I used a different spelling of Jeffrey. But yeah, Lucifer shows up as Sam is trying to figure out the case. And Sam apparently forgets all about jabbing his palm in favour of LISTENING TO LUCIFER AND YES, SO DEAN WASN’T ANSWERING HIS PHONE (BECAUSE HE’S A MORON AND JEFFREY TRICKED HIM) IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU LISTEN TO A FUCKING HALLUCINATION OF THE FUCKING ANGEL THAT TORTURED YOU IN HELL. Oy.

All Sam does in the library is…sit a table, listen to Lucifer and catch woman on the list making out with her boyfriend or whatever. Then goes back to sitting at a table. OH and when Lucifer first pops up he freaks Sam out by showing him a vision of all of these people bashing their heads in on the table and..IT’S LIKE THEY’RE MOCKING ME. If I watched this season of Supernatural while sitting at a table, I’d be like this the whole time:

 

 

But he does and somehow is led back to that woman who I don’t know after ransacking Jeffrey’s apartment and finding a summon ritual. Sam’s all like, “WHAT IS THIS SHIT” and apparently he’s not being forceful enough and Lucifer’s all like SHOW HER WHO’S BOSS and Sam…basically does exactly what he did before if I dismiss his cute angry!puppy thing. (What?) and Lucifer is all like, “You’re giving me the chills” and…NO HAND JABBING. Seriously maybe all those knocks to the head has had an effect on Sam’s brain cells.

And I know that this is all supposed to show us that Sam is losing it and that his common sense was deep fried extra crispy. But still. Woman shows him the ear that Jeffrey sent and tells him that he has her son blah blah. Oh and Jeffrey needs the BLOOD OF THE EXORCIST. Which is Dean.

Meanwhile, Dean and Jeffrey talk and talk and talk and talk. Also THE DOG DIES because Jeffrey needs it for the ritual or whatever. More talking until Jeffrey says he likes being possessed…oh well, GOOD FOR YOU. (This is an interesting concept, I suppose someone liking the feeling of possession but in a season where there’s been practically no demons, it seems more than random AND THERE’S TOO MUCH TALKING. WE NEVER GET TO SEE HIM IN ACTION)

Ritual done and Woman’s son ends up being possessed. He then SLOW DANCES with Jeffrey before bitchslapping him and saying that he doesn’t need him anymore or something. Then…idk if Dean was actually in danger but Sam comes charging in with a knife or something and attempts to punch the demon who sends him flying across the room. Something else happens and SUDDENLY, woman is yelling out the exorcism ritual and WHOOOOOSH there goes the demon. OKAY, SO. IT’S STILL OUT THERE. NOT ONLY THAT SAM AND DEAN HAVE JUST BEEN UPSTAGE BY THIS WOMAN. BOOOOR-ING.

I don’t care what happened after that. The end scene is upon us and….they’re not in the car. GOOD SIGN. They’re in the motel room and Dean’s all like flopped on his bed and they talk about the case (which they did not actually solve but hey) and Sam’s like, “Are you going to sleep?”…just see my brain cells chart. Dean says something about unconsciousness being better and I wonder where his IV drip of Jack Daniel’s is.

Sam turns to sleep himself but then Lucifer’s like, OH NO YOU DON’T. YOU LET ME IN. *EVIL LAUGH* and like, idk his bed erupts into a pit of fire and it’s reflected in his eyes and just. SEE THE BRAIN CELL CHART. Sam tries to jab at his non-existant wound some more for some reason but Luci’s here to stay.

is it wrong that i'm looking forward to sam's meltdown? 😀

OH WELL.

THE END.

Thoughts:

While I appreciate Lucifer’s snarky self, having him there the whole time gets tedious EXTREMELY FAST. But I did like his line to Sam, “Do you even listen to yourself” lol because Sam’s always asking those stupid questions. Like Dean just been choking and Sam will ask if he’s okay. LOL NO. But yeah, it was boring. Seriously and like I said above the idea of this episode was a good one but complete ruined by the actual content of the episode. Anyway, whatever.

See you in March if I can still be bothered to watch. SAM’S HAIR WON’T LET ME GO.