shitty tv writers yo

We’re waiting for a train


…and it just won’t come.

Even though we all knew it would happen, season 13 is officially a go. WOOOOOOO!!!!! And many more charity campaigns will be on the way too, I’m sure. Congratulation$, fandom.

I’ve lost interest in drumming up any outrage over this show, so I’ll leave any willing takers to do so on my behalf.

Or not.

At this point, we all have better things to be doing!

How To Bore Your Audience (As Told By ABC’s “Secret & Lies US”*)


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*This post is based on season 1. Spoilers ahead!

Season 2 is shaping up to be just as silly but some of my favourite people are in it. DORIAN (Michael Ealy). O’LAUGHLIN (Eric Winter). PETER MILLS (Charlie Barnett). LEM (Kenny Johnson). Wait. Those are fictional characters. Anyway.

Ben Crawford is a self-employed contractor, married to Christy with whom he has two daughters, Natalie, 16, and Abby, 12. His best friend, Dave, lives in their summer house. They have a neighbor, Jess, who is estranged from her husband Scott, who is in the military. Jess and Scott have a five year old son named Tom.

While out for an early morning run, Ben discovers Tom’s body; he was evidently taken from his bed into the woods and killed by six blows to the head from a flashlight.

Detective Cornell is convinced Ben is the killer, Ben cannot prove his innocence because he suffered a blackout after going out drinking with Dave following a fight with Christy over her suspicion of an affair with Jess.

Here’s how to bore your audience.

1. Lull us into a false sense of Ryan Phillippe being attractive enough to keep us watching 

He’s not.

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How To Screw Up A TV Show (as told by ABC Family’s “Twisted”)


I’m about three years too late but this show was supposed to be easy viewing for me…but I ended up hate watching the last half of the season due to the foolishness.

Anyway, here’s how to screw up a show as per Twisted.


1.Have a decent plot

When charismatic Danny Desai returns to his hometown after spending five years in juvenile detention, he sees that things are no longer as he remembered them. His mother’s socialite status has plummeted due to his incarceration, and his childhood friends Jo and Lacey have grown apart and are at opposite ends of the social spectrum. Lacey is popular and dating the captain of the soccer team, while Jo struggles to put the trauma of the past behind her. Jo wants to give Danny a second chance, but when she asks for answers about the motive behind his crime, he won’t — or can’t — reveal the information. When a fellow student is found dead in her home, the town spins into a frenzy of suspicion and mystery — with Danny as prime suspect. Jo and Lacey must decide if their childhood friend is guilty or just a victim being persecuted for his twisted secrets.

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CW-esque teen drama finale


WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE’S THE REALLY BAD FINALE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW. I’m also writing a mock CW supernatural/vampire drama now. Clearly the CW is inspirational.

Previous parts are here. (more…)

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Empire 2×05: ‘Angels running for cover’


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This was in my drafts, so here it is! I took a break from the show after episode 6, LOL. I shall recap the rest if I remember, if not then, you’re probably going to be thankful, haha.


The case against Lucious has been dropped now that Vernon’s death is being treated as a suicide. Andre rocks up at Empire looking like a kid on their first day of school. Within the next five minutes, after being told that he’s now the head of Gutter Inc Records, he looks like that kid four weeks later when the homework is piling up. He doesn’t fare well during his welcoming party either. He seems a tad uncomfortable as some of the artists grind up on him. His next move is to try and organise his baptism. What a natural progression. (more…)

‘Hand Of God’ (Amazon Original Series)


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Hand of God follows Pernell Harris (Ron Perlman ), a corrupt judge who suffers a breakdown and believes God is compelling him onto a path of vigilante justice.

This has to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious shows I’ve ever seen. And it really isn’t funny, but in its attempts at seriousness, it just fails on every level. The first scene literally shows this naked judge standing in a fountain, speaking in tongues. Fast forward a few scenes and we learn that that is all a reaction to his son shooting himself. And that before that, his son was forced to watch as some thug raped his wife.

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The judge comes across a young preacher and somehow leaves that interaction believing that he is Solomon. He starts to hear messages from his comatose son that supposedly lead him towards the rapist. He believes that God is using his son to help him find the culprit. Somehow, by the end of the first episode, he’s basically figured out that a cop is the rapist. He goes as far as having the cop strip down so that his son’s wife can identify his nether regions. Yes, that actually happened.
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Sons of Bromanarchy


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Sons of Anarchy ¦ FX

A man in his early 30s struggles to find a balance in his life between being a new dad and his involvement in a motorcycle club.

Well. This will go down as another show that didn’t live up to the hype. Not even during some of the earlier seasons. I can only hope that this show was just less idiotic when watched on a weekly basis. I’m not the best binge watcher, so it has taken me about 3 weeks to get through the first six seasons. Right now I’m on season 7. Imagine my shock when I saw that the first episode’s run time was 1 hr 15 minutes. Marilyn Manson showed up as a prisoner. And Courtney Love as a preschool teacher. Goodness. There has been a lot of fast forwarding to say the least. (more…)

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Empire 2×04: ‘Hakeem’s the dream’


The episode opens with Jamal singing his heart out as the FBI raid Empire. I have a question. Are TV FBI raids indicative of how they actually are in real life? Surely making all of that mess is counterproductive. They could potentially conceal something Super Serious™. Or not. What do I know?

Lyon Dynasty is also raided, as is Casa Lucious. He makes that sure our charming federal prosecutor sees him in his birthday suit. (more…)

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snarkview: The Following (all seasons)


FYI, this show clearly went downhill when they killed off Warren Kole’s character but whatever, let me get into the post. Apologies in advance for any spelling issues, types etc. It’s all Kevin Bacon’s fault. Also this is kind of LONG.

The Following’s first season centers on former FBI agent Ryan Hardy (Kevin Bacon) and his attempts to re-capture serial killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy), following the latter’s escape from prison. Hardy soon discovers that Carroll has surrounded himself with a group of like-minded individuals, whom he met while teaching and while in prison, and turned them into a cult of fanatical killers, including his right-hand, Emma Hill (Valorie Curry). When Carroll’s son, Joey Matthews (Kyle Catlett), is abducted by his father’s followers, Agents Mike Weston (Shawn Ashmore), Debra Parker (Annie Parisse), and the rest of the FBI team discover that it is the first step in Carroll’s wider plan to escape custody, humiliate Hardy, and be reunited with his ex-wife Claire Matthews (Natalie Zea).

The first season of The Following at least had shock value. Crazy serial killer (Joe Carroll) breaks out of jail and kills more people. Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with his own high-school level analysis of Edgar Allen Poe. YAY. TELL-TALE HEART, WHEE!!! His nemesis Kevin Bacon puts him back in jail. He breaks out again due to the cult he’s managed to build up of those weird (yeah, I said it) people who write to prisoners they have no prior affiliation with. Oh, and Crazy Serial Killer has his son kidnapped because he wants to reunite with his wife. The same wife who shacked up with Kevin Bacon. Who put him in jail. Twice. Anyway, yeah…

Season 1 was okay. At the end, Crazy Serial Killer fakes his own death by switching his DNA with his dead half-brother. Oh, and they didn’t know about the dead half-brother. Or they did? I don’t know. It wasn’t very clear.

In the middle of this there’s some bullshit love triangle. Jacob and Paul have been pretending to be gay for X number of years so they could get close to Crazy Serial Killer’s unfinished/business last victim (who was saved by Kevin Bacon). Yeah, Crazy Serial Killer is all about the long con because, you know. Poe. Anyway, somewhere along the line Jacob and Paul started smashing but like, Jacob’s not gay. And he immediately gets back with Emma (they met in prison – classic love story) when they kidnap Crazy Serial Killer’s son. Paul is jealous, Emma is annoying, Jacob spends much of the first half of the season looking as if he’s been continuously stubbing his toe for a month.

Paul is really, really, really jealous so he kidnaps a girl as retaliation…? Jacob tries to help her escape because TWIST! He hasn’t killed anyone yet, he just…didn’t want to be a doctor like his Dad wanted him to be. I suppose joining a murderous cult was better than getting a job or something. Anyway, Emma basically abandons them after a run in with Kevin Bacon and Paul gets an infection that’s deadly so Jacob smothers with him a pillow – but not until after they confess their love blah, blah. Oh, and that’s the first person he’s killed, so. Yay for him. It added zero to the plot. Emma kills Jacob after he asks her to run away with him. If only he knew that Emma basically wants to be Mrs Crazy Serial Killer.

This show is a blatant abuser of the bad guy monologue. In between Crazy Serial Killer’s long rambling monologues and Kevin Bacon running after people and not collapsing every five minutes due to his alcoholism/pacemaker combo, there were at least four episodes worth of irrelevant conversation. I honestly exercised my yelling STFU/EYE ROLL combo many, many times. All you need to know is that Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with Kevin Bacon. And Kevin Bacon is obsessed with him. Yawn.

 

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and you could have it all

 

There was also someone called Roderick, who was Crazy Serial Killer’s wingman and sent up a nice mansion for all of Crazy Serial Killer’s fan club. He was a sheriff who made the stupid mistake of beating up Weston, an agent working with Kevin Bacon, and apparently not realising that someone could…recognise his voice. For someone who was supposed to be so smart, it was pretty stupid. He dies.

Anyway.  After a completely ridiculous series finale, they think Crazy Serial Killer is dead and then….

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