snarkview: 7.12 – Time After Time After Time after we get the fucking point (the episode is about time!)

So. Can I just say this. FOR THE LOVE OF PADALECKI, GIVE HIM SCREEN TIME. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ME, JARED SORT OUT YOUR SIDEBURNS. THEY ARE ALIVE. ALIVE. thank you.

PREVIOULSY: bobby is dead. bobby isn’t a ghost yet. did i mention that bobby was de–oh. And Leviathans are still the BORINGEST bad guys EVER. but hey BORINGEST is apparently not a word.

Now: Sam and Depressed!Dean are in a car. It’s not the impala but idgaf anymore. They’re after something. But somehow Sam decides to ask what the plan is when they’re right there. Was the car ride not LONG enough? Not that he needn’t have bothered. Dean’s reply “Don’t die”. I. AM. Speechless. Sam apparently never really wanted an answer anyway. Oh.

They take different sides and somehow 3 seconds later Dean see’s something in the alley and goes charging at it just as Sam reappears from wherever the fuck he went (it was dark and all I saw where SIDEBURNS, OKAY?). Dean’s all like *GROWL* and he collides into the man with…red…red light surrounding him. I don’t know what kind of effects they were going for. But it didn’t really work out. And whoosh! Dean’s GONE. Sam…tries to look worried. At this point, I’d be less concerned about Dean more concerned about my rapidly increasing sideburns length, but that’s just me. Sam can always avoid mirrors.

[Disgusting title card]

TWO DAYS EARLIER: Uhm. I can’t actually remember. Let me think. No, still blank. But let me show you my favorite scene while I remember! SO MUCH HAIR. FLOWING AND OH GOD. SO GLORIOUS. CLICKY ON THE PICS TO SEE BEAUTIFUL GIFS. Btw, if you don’t appreciate the hair there’s something wrong with you move on.

Ignore the Jensen pic because I post it later on. Still failing at wordpess.

Yeah, so Dean and Sam and somewhere – Dean’s reading about Dick Roman online and Sam’s all, “I hope your watching your cartoon smut and not researching Dick Roman”. Okay, seriously, CARTOON SMUT? Who. Who says that? Dean replies, “It’s called anime, it’s an art form”. You mean to tell me that Sam – who went to college – calls anime cartoon smut? Per-lease. Sheriff Mills calls. “Don’t give me that diaper face – I ain’t the one calling you”. I…think we’re supposed to laugh here.

Ha, ha.

But yes, she calls. I don’t like her. I don’t like how she keeps on popping up because I waste valuable moments of my time trying to remember who the hell she is. She has a case for them or something. I can’t bring myself to care.

The boys play rock paper scissors. Sam wins. Dean quips “How does paper beat rock?”. I facepalm. They do some research and whoever’s writing this episode decides that Dean gets to have more than one brain cell in this episode and he taps into some local camera feeds within 3 seconds or something. FUCK YOU SERA. SAM WAS THE COMPUTER GENIUS. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM OBSOLETE. Yes. Dean’s all ::smug:: about it whereas I am just distracted by the sideburns because MY GOD THEY ARE HUGE. I tune back in to hear Sam say…”Or are you strictly into dick now?”.

Speechless.

Sam’s delivery of the line though was flat – as was Dean’s response so this pleases me. I imagine that all the wincest shippers creamed themselves on the spot. This show is for everybody, not just slash fans.

Some other shit happens. And we’re in the scene from the start. The plan is still “don’t die”. So why they felt it necessary to replay the whole fucking clip again instead of having NOW flash up on the screen is a mystery to me. I can’t bring myself to care – sorry. So just scroll up and read all of that again.

We’re catapulted into 1944 and Dean is—-OH OH OH WAIT. Sorry. Back when I said “Some other shit happens” I didn’t talk about the dude who was all like, “I saw a guy in a Justin Timberlake hat”. Justin Timberlake hat. I feel as though that line was supposed to get a laugh out of me.

It didn’t.

So, 1944 and Dean’s arrested. I’m sure this scene was very amusing. I don’t remember much. He’s at the police station and the cop is ridiculing him for having a fake i.d. dated 68 years into the future. Because the writer has decided that Dean is stupid in this scene, he scrunches his face up and starts to count back with…his fingers. I’m sure many people count like that but…well. He looked stupid. Then Eliot Ness comes in and Dean from that point on spends the episode like *_________*. He makes references that I do not understand or remember or care about. He fanboys Elliot Ness to his face and says AWESOME a lot and does some Sean Connery impression or something.

After about five minutes I pray that he shuts the fuck up. Sadly, he doesn’t.


he did look pretty damn hot though. if only this had been a silent movie. Sigh.

So yes. Elliot Ness was a hunter. Who happened to be hunting whatever the fuck Sam and Dean were hunting. The God of Time After Time After Time AKA Jason Dohring because I can’t refer to the dude as simply the God of Time.

Meanwhile, the show hits a new level of boring with Sam/Sheriff Mills. She calls Sam – she’s STILL in a police cruiser, I mean she quite clearly just drives around in that thing for fun because she has no problem with dropping her job (being a sheriff is not important, yo. Don’t you watch TV?!) and getting her ass down to Ohio so she can be in these BORING scenes. They talk about Bobby, sex, pizza, The Kardashians and Sam’s increasingly alarming sideburns and nothing interesting at all.

Back to 1944, and…Dean and Elliot Ness are still after the God of Time. They interview some dude. Jensen looks hot and it’s glorious until he speaks. It’s just a jumble of pop culture references and things I don’t understand. I tune out.

Sam gets sent to sleep by Sheriff Mills in his old pokey room there, and omg it’s glorious. The hair flops everywhere and just omg. Sorry but THIS WAS THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT. HAIR. FLOPPING.

And oh. Somehow Dean has gotten Sam a note from the past through some old, lose brick or something. Still don’t care.

Back in 1944, Elliot Ness and Dean catch up with Jason Dohring. (Sam basically found out that the only way to get Dean back was when he had his hands on Jason Dohring at some specific time and Jason Dohring’s girlfriend from 1944 is alive and tells Sam that it’s 11:34). Yeeeeeeeeah.

So, Sam does all the ritual stuff and here’s the kicker. Cut’s his palm and…uses his blood to write 11:34 on a piece of paper?! LMFAO. Oh, show. So yeah it works and Dean turns up along with Jason Dohring and Sam eventually kills him.

So basically Dean got sent to 1944, hunted with Elliot Ness, got back to 2012 (it should be 2013 but show fails at continuity) and…he doesn’t even get to gank the SOB. Sam who did nothing of importance does because, he’s a MAIN character.

Fuck you, writers.

Oh, it ends with Jason Dohring going all MWAHAHAHA I SEE YOUR FUTURE IT’S FULL OF BLACK OOZE! AND LEVIATHANS. Uhm. We all knew that. Sam and Dean knew that, WHY ARE WE ALL SO SURPRISED?!!!!

Whatever.

This episode is graded D for Boring as fuck.

Snarkcap/view: “Death’s Door” or, ways in which Sera Gamble tries to kill us all through boredom

Previously: Bobby got shot in the head and didn’t die instantly

Now:

  • Bobby’s in hospital and we’re stuck in this head while Sam and Dean mope around outside his hospital room doing nothing of any importance.
  • Oh, Dean yells at some guy and punches glass. He also confronts Dick Roman (the head Leviathan guy) and tells him that he’s coming for him.
  • He makes some remark about him watching himself online and the camera cuts to these two old dudes filming the whole ordeal.
  •  Questions: Why would Dick Roman just cruise up to a hospital. Why didn’t they those old dudes sell their videos to the 9’o’clock news. Why don’t I give a shit about them trying to make Dean sound all badass. I was expecting UGLY CRYING. Or well. The one perfect single tear. Missed opportunity, folks.
  • Sam jabs at a cut on his palm that he got 10 episodes ago. That’s all Sam does. Oh no wait – he holds Bobby’s hand too. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

So, last night’s episode was about Bobby (who 75% of the fandom no longer give a shit about). And, like I said in my preview there was lot of Bobby. BECAUSE HE’S SUDDENLY A MAIN CHARACTER FOR THIS EPISODE.

Okay, Sera Gamble. I’m going to use wikipedia to describe to you what the hell a supporting character is supposed to be.

“A supporting character is a character of a bookplayvideo gamemovietelevision or radio show or other form of storytelling usually used to give added dimension to a main character, by adding a relationship with this character”

This does not mean that the supporting character out of nowhere declares that he’s adopted the main characters. The fact that Bobby used such a legal term was ironic seeing as how he’s a merchant of illegality. And I don’t care if he was being metaphorical, the energy it took to roll my eyes could have used on something else. Like drooling at Sam.

” Sometimes supporting characters may develop a complexity of their own, but this is usually in relation to the main character, rather than entirely independently.”
 

AND, YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS. WE KNOW HE KILLED HIS FUCKING WIFE. BUT, NO. IF A CHARACTER DOESN’T HAVE DADDY ISSUES THEN YOU’RE SURE AS HELL GOING TO GIVE THEM SOME. LET’S NOT BOTHER WITH THE FACT THAT HALF OF YOUR AUDIENCE WATCH THIS SHOW FOR THE MAIN CHARACTERS

So yeah. We were treated to Bobby’s daddy issues. His father was an abusive, drunk asshole who got pissed over spilt milk every day or something until one day eight year old Bobby shot him in the head. Current!Bobby was all like, “Don’t worry she won’t say thank you” to Eight Year Old!Bobby afterwards (this was all happening in his head or something).

Okay, so your kid’s just shot your fucking husband in the head. I think “What did you do?” (or whatever she said) is a fucking reasonable question so shut the fuck up Current!Bobby!

I think there was a scene with Bobby and Dean playing baseball. It was cute but I was really more interested in the fact that Rufus (who was in this for some reason) was rocking a bomber jacket and an earring. Why they didn’t give him his very own “Acceptable in the 80s” montage is a mystery to me. Missed opportunity, folks. Again.

His wife was in this. She did some shrieking and soap opera crying about something and then cut her foot on broken glass. YEAH, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Not me. Or anyone with good taste.

Some badass reaper has been running around after Bobby in this episode. SO, YEAH. RIP OFF OF IN MY TIME OF DYING. Assholes. He says some shit about how Bobby’s going to die. Over and over and over and…it’s like they’re mocking me. DIE ALREADY!

Eventually, he dies. But not before he wakes up and is all *twitches, twitches, twi-* and somehow because Dean speaks Bobby twitch he’s all “GET A PEN!” and then Bobby writes some coordinates or something on Sam’s hand (such a pretty hand can we just focus on that for the rest of the episode? Please? No? Fuck you then). Then he says it…

“IDJITS”

That’s his last word to them (HIS ADOPTIVE IDJITS) and…I suppose if I hadn’t been bored out of my skull, and I actually gave a crap about Bobby, I’d be kinda—no, no, I really wouldn’t. You know why? Because I look at the time and see that there’s NINE MINUTES LEFT TO GO (which means one huge ass commercial break and then 2 minutes in which they completely fuck it all up)

There’s some scene where Sam and Dean are arguing over liquorice and popcorn. It’s cute but completely contrived because it looks post season 6 to me. Dean should drinking hard liquor while Sam sits in a corner poking at his palm.

Then the reaper is all like, do you want to come with me or stay here forever alone~

….and then it ends. And they do that whole preview of the next two episodes with all they can afford in regards to the music budget playing over it and I’m wondering who’s fucking idea this was. If I didn’t care about the cliffhanger from the last episode why the fuck would I care about this one?

It’s like they’re saying: “Here’s an ending that won’t interest you in the slightest, you may as well stop watching now”. Sadly enough, I am not that smart. And I like to piss of people who can’t handle a bit of bashing. So…whenever the next episode is I’ll be here bitching away about a show that used be good but sucks now.

I’ll leave you with the reason why anybody with sense is still watching this show.

We're going to be seeing shirtless!Jensen possibly so let's all just remember what his upper body looks like.