special snarkview! 9×05, dog dean afternoon. and yes. you read that right.

note from supernaturalsnark: because I am so (UNDERSTANDABLY) tardy when it comes to watching the show these days, the awesome JM, has offered to get her snark on, in her own way, and do some episodes (that I probably won’t ever watch). I’m pretty sure episode 10 is the next one I’m watching. Or the finale. OF COURSE, NOW I’VE JINXED IT. Anyway, I actually blogged about this episode before and its wonderful title Dog Dean Afternoon, and I am sad (for everyone who it was inflicted on) to say that it sounds even worse than it originally sounded.

Over to JM!

This episode was sucky. Really sucky.

There were maybe two moments where I chuckled. The rest? My jaw was on the ground at how mind-numbingly bad it was.

I’d read spoilers about this episode many moons ago, about how Dean gets to talk to animals and they’d even given it a rough draft title of “Dr. Deanlittle.” So I guess I knew what we’d be in for. Jensen talked it up and said it would be like Yellow Fever.

Wow, it was bad.

First, the talking animals. If you’ve ever seen the “Look Who’s Talking” movies or Dr. Doolittle, it was that sort of thing. But it was all wrong. Even Jared thought it was all wrong. That’s really saying something.

The German Shepherd they interrogated sounded like a mafia type guy. Think of a Sopranos minor player. Only thing I liked was him begging Dean to change the radio station when they had “I Want to Know What Love Is” by Foreigner on (agree w/the dog big time here…). The Yorkie? Oy. That was teeth-cringing bad. He sounded like some really bad impersonation of Larry the Cable Guy or I don’t even know what. And he was really annoying. I was almost waiting for Sam (whom he bribed to get a belly rub in exchange for info) to flip him off – though he’d probably bite Sam. Actually, that’d probably be a lot more entertaining than the way the scene actually went.

The pigeon thing was kinda amusing, actually. Dean’s always made me snicker when he displays purple rage, LOL.

Dean acting like a dog? The “fetch” thing was eh… somewhat amusing. The “barking” and snarling at the mailman?? Not enough facepalm. And the leering at the female poodle? That was…. Freaky McFreakerton.

The Zeke/Sam thing is being dragged out to the death now. Shouldn’t Sam be a wee bit more suspicious of what’s going on? And shouldn’t he question Dean a lot more? I get it, they’re going to build up to some massive fallout but dragging it out to this extent is making things a bit unrealistic now…

The special effects with the Zeke transformation… no comment. If the Stargate franchise hadn’t all but dissolved by now, I’d say they should sue for copyright infringement LOL.

Sam’s hair is still bad, at least 95% of the time. I won’t keep saying that for each snark I’ll do. I’ll just call it “Ibid.” Whenever you see that, you know what I mean. I’d say it makes me weep, but I think I’ve become exhausted weeping for it by now.

That’s about all I got. Next time! Hilarity ensues as Castiel gets a job at the Kwik-E-Mart! How will he deal with Apu, his tyrannical boss? Will he ever figure out how to work the Super Squishee machine? Can Dean help out? Will babysitter Kevin let Sam and Crowley stay up to watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon? Stay tuned!


Of course, I would rather watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, period. And I do anyway and it is AWESOME because bitches be cray.

Dean wanting to have sex with a dog is par for the course with this show. At any rate, he’d probably sell its soul before the night was up.

snarkview, 9×01. A perfect display of atrocity.

I AM BACK! And I finally sat down and ripped off the band aid and suffered through the season 9 premiere. And oh, how stupid this episode was. Jared dutifully live-tweeted the whole thing because they’re adding to the shitty factor of the show this season. YAAAAAY.

What This Episode Was Called: I don’t know what this episode was called. I don’t really care.

What It Should Have Been Called: Let’s just go with Rehashville/Sam’s version of IMTOD. 

The episode starts off with some shitty road so far set to a song that isn’t too shitty. After the obnoxious NOW subtitle card, we’re with Sam and Dean in the Impala. Sam seems to be okay but I assume that he will he fall over dramatically soon. He bitches about it (the whole angels falling thing, which by the way looked like shooting sparkly jizz shots) being a meteor shower. However, it turns out he’s dying in the real world. YAY.

Show, just kill him already. But yeah, blah, blah, blah, Dean whines, Sam’s in a coma, blah, blah, blah, dying, dying dying until Dean miraculously finds a way to save him so they can go on being martyrs and saving a planet that doesn’t give a shit about them. Their lives are so hard.

Dean eventually flips out and starts praying to Castiel. SHOW THIS IS NOT HOW PRAYERS WORK. STOP IT. Dean  then ends up in the chapel and prays to ALL angels. I just…can’t even yell about this anymore. Anyway, ALL of the angels hear Dean and start racing to the hospital.

Sam is stuck a coma dream, but he doesn’t realise  until Dean yells WE’RE IN YOUR HEAD repeatedly and it takes Sam another five fucking years to fucking realise that they’re in his fucking head because this show is so FUCKING STUPID AND UNORIGINAL. And there were way too many F-Bombs in that sentence LOL. Sam says some shit about how he ended up here or something, I was distracted. Is Jared having problems learning these lines? Because yeah they’re a crock of shit, but he doesn’t need to say them our like he’s reading them off a screen that has tiny font. It’s okay, Jared, the words won’t bite you. You staying on this mess of a show will, however.

Anyway, Bobby shows up. EVEN IN DEATH AND SAM’S COMA DREAM, BOBBY IS STILL DEAD EX MACHINA. BRAVO, WRITERS. BRAVO. What a great little Dream Team this is.  So, apparently, Sam’s subconscious is the Impala with Dean driving and Bobby in the back seat.

No wonder he wants to die.

Over in Castown, CASTIEL IS HUMAN but he doesn’t eat, drink and believes he can FLY, SPREAD HIS WINGS AND TOUCH THE SKYY-YYYY. He soon gets the same reality check that R.Kelly did.  I’m not sure why he can’t remember Metatron telling him that he doesn’t have his fucking powers any more. I half watched that shitfest and I still remember!

Bobby and Sam get rid of Dream!Dean somehow and go for a walk. According to Bobby (who is really Sam!!! The show really wants us to know that!!!) Sam has apparently left the world a better place. So basically, Sam’s arrogance just went from Hannah Montana to Twerkin’ Miley. Relatively mild and harmless to THIS WON’T END WELL FOR ANYONE.

BUT YEAH, PLEAAAAAASE. Sam has not made the world a better place. Not even by the show’s standards, LOL. Bobby supposedly is the part of Sam that wants to die (a true martyr’s death, of course) and Dean is the part of Sam that wants to live. This is despite the fact that Dean’s always the one who’s tired and done and Bobby’s the one who didn’t want to go to heaven.

Yeah, that makes complete sense.

Dream!Dean shows up just as Dream!Bobby has convinced Dream!Sam to let go. Fuck you, Dream!Dean. UGH. He stabs Dream!Bobby (YAY!) and then beats Dream!Sam up (DOUBLE YAY!). You know. To really reinforce the whole, you can’t die thing. But Dream!Sam can be bruised. That’s perfectly okay.  I skipped that whole scene. And next, Dream!Sam meets up with Death. Sigh.

Dean goes to visit Crowley, who’s in his trunk. Sigh. Two angels show up and duke it out until Dean kills one. And then the other one, after unleashing what has to be the WORST accent I have ever heard, drops unconscious.

IT IS THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORST ACCENT EVER. My brain was weeping in distress.

Back in Castown, Castiel finds a lady friend. Zzzzz. He calls Dean and apparently all the angels are trying to kill him and Dean tells him to be wary. His lady friend proceeds to knock him out. When he comes to she tells him that she wants his vessel. Oh, naughty. They have some day trip and some shit happens. There’s a car crash. Yawn. He finally bins that coat and drinks water and yay who cares.

Worst Accent Ever guy is an angel called Ezekiel. He says some shit and Dean says some shit. Ezekiel should be able to save Sam, but Sam is so WEAK, GUYS. HE MIGHT DIE. Just like that other season where he might have died. And the one before that. And the one before that.

And the one before that.

Angels show up at hospital. Which is basically all Dean’s fault but hey, who’s asking? Dean runs through a hallway of flying glass just to pull the fire alarm despite the fact that they’re all fucking escaping anyway, and the movement should have triggered it already. CLEVER. He then yells every body get out…into an empty hallway. Sigh. After that, HE’S BEATEN UP BY ANGELS. YAYY. At one point he says, “any one ever tell you that you hit like an angel.

Good grief.

And he does some mojo and gets rid of them. Ezekiel says that he can fix Sam from the inside, through possession. Dean says no. And then he says he’ll consider it if Ezekiel let’s him see how bad it is. Because a coma Sam won’t wake up from isn’t evidence enough LOL. Anyway, Ezekiel tunes him into Sam’s Head FM. Sam wants Death to make sure he stays dead forever. Y’know, like a normal person. Dean doesn’t get it. He says Sam will never say yes to Ezekiel. Ezekiel says Sam will say yes to Dean. Dean tries to persuade him, and I actually aw’d because Dean was like, “There’s ain’t no me, if there’s no you [Sam]”. And just. Fuck you for that Dean. Ugh.

Now back to hating him.

Dean manages to get Sam to say yes. So…another season of lies are ahead. WOO!!! Samzekiel says that Sam can reject him at any time blah, blah. Dean says he won’t tell Sam about any of it until he is sufficiently healed. The memories of the hospital are erased. Sam wakes up as himself. Dean says some shit. Sam says that they have work to do.

Uh..yeah. The same fucking work y’all had to do last time you said that Sam. Getting rid of demons. The angels are basically demons on this show. UGH THIS SHOW SUCKS.

And thankfully it ended there.

Notes. I like Jared’s acting in the earlier seasons. I do. And I feel like he hasn’t had the material later seasons hence why his acting has felt flat. But…him as an angel is just…not working. It was just hilarious. The tone of his voice. The facial expressions. Lmao. They’re just too obvious and FORCED and un-angel like. He sounds like he’s doing an impression of a 17th century British Aristocrat. Lmao. I was just dying. So yeah. Sorry Jared. Well. Not really. How is that the guest stars who play angels are WAY more convincing than Misha and Jared. Lol fuck this shit.