Yes, as promised I am going to sort of recap and review Dead 7 for my one reader. Which is me, so. Self – this is for you. I took about 36 different screenshots during this shit, so this post will be image heavy. There are some NSFW ones, so that will all be under a cut. Sigh.
Nick Carter provides us with a helpful voiceover that I sort of didn’t listen to. He’s playing someone called Jack and Joey Fatone is called Whiskey Joe. Oh, and Nick’s wife is in this too. Hopefully her acting is better her than it was on their reality show. There’s some kinda theme song that’s kinda cool. The villain appears to be a bald woman….thing…I don’t know, but she is called Apocalyptica.
She kills some dude that she has locked in a cell. She kind of pulls some faces at him and turns him into a zombie by giving him what looks like a bite of a human kidney. Apparently he’s now the flesh of the undead. There is some evil laughter.
Oh…and this movie has chapters? Alright, Nick, I’mma let you begin at least.
STORY BY NICK CARTER. #WhatAboutEvilBlessingsNick?
AJ Maclean is riding around on a horse yelling, ‘Come on, we’ve got people to eat’. Somewhere, Brian and Kevin are just sitting back, silently thankful that they’re not in this mess. AJ Maclean and his band of zombies attack some kind of tavern. AJ’s idea of evil is basically manic laughter and white face paint. All that’s missing is a ‘Y SO SERIOUS?’. While AJ’N’Zombies are going crazy, a lone ranger is running around taking on zombies one at a time until his gun jams and someone called Daisy Jane (his girlfriend?) turns up to save him.
DAISY JANE? I’m surprised Nick didn’t call her Candy Cane, as a nod to Aaron. AJ shows up and cackles incoherently. I can’t understand a word he’s saying because it’s just ‘mumble mumble he he he he he he he he he’. The lone ranger and Candy Cane gag him and…take him with them as opposed to killing him. In the jail house, AJ is talking coherently but saying all of the usual villainous guff and he he he he he he heeeee *bangs head on wall*. I’m 12 minutes in and that laughter is already REALLY annoying.
This is already worse than the five minutes of Minotaur that I had the misfortune of seeing. That was the same day my Tom Hardy marathon ended, FYI. It was some Meatloaf kind of realness. I’d watch anything for my crush-of-the-moment (but I won’t watch that).
Click ‘Continue Reading‘ for the rest of the post.
7.01 – Meet The New Boss (or the one where Misha Collins has more screen time than he should)
This episode picks up exactly where we left off from the season 6 finale. So Sam looks spaced out, Dean looks confused. Bobby looks confused. Castiel looks deranged. This pretty much stays the same throughout the episode.
Cas tells them to BOW DOWN because he’s God now. After pulling some hilarious constipated faces all three of them attempt to but he stops them. THEY DON’T REALLY MEAN IT, Cas cries. Yeah, I have no idea what he’s saying.
Castiel goes on a killing/healing/more killing rampage. It ends up being fucking hilarious.
I’m not sure WTF is going on with Sam, Dean and Bobby.
Anyway, in the end Castiel is…full of leviathans now. New big bad. SO EVIL THAT GOD BANISHED THEM TO PURGATORY YET SOME DUMBASS ANGEL HAS JUST SWALLOWED THEM ALL WITH EASE. Uh, whatever bro.
He somehow turns into Cas again and apologises to Dean for fucking up Sam in about 30 seconds. He can’t fix it though. HE CAN’T FIX SAM AND….WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SAM SHIT ALL THROUGHOUT THE SEASON? Oh boy. Worst Sam girl ever.
LE SOB. In hindsight though, this episode is as awful as the rest of the season because of how awful the Leviathans ended up being. Sam’s hair was so pretty though.
God, where do I start? I hate this stupid show. I can’t even look at Sam and Dean right now so I’m using weird, yellow smileys to convey my emotions in this post. DON’T JUDGE ME. Judge, away. I don’t give a fuck anymore.
This episode is called whatever, I can’t be fucked to type it all out now. But it was about people’s fears coming to life or whatever.
Some brief points before I attempt to actually remember what even happened
SAM’S SIDEBURNS. They are still scary. This is sad. Apparently there was a no sideburns sign. *blink* and oh look here it is:
Sam was in dire need of a haircut.
They scrapped the angsty end scene conversation and replaced it with forced laughter and “fun” (awful) conversation.
People seem to LOVE this episode. I’ve noticed this with the SPN fandom, all of the “humourous” episodes are LOVED by the masses even though they’re not funny in the slightest. IDGI BITCHES.
Sam getting attacked by clowns and be so *whimper* SCARED of them. Really? Really show? He’s been addicted to demon blood, been in hell, been soulless and he’s still scared of clowns? What-the-fuck-ever. Also, blah, blah if people are saying that they’re 52 and still scared of clowns. Stop comparing yourself to a fictional character lol.
There’s an annoying digital clock that goes back by a day or something and boy, this is annoying. THIS IS NOT 24. What does the time actually matter to us? It doesn’t!
The awful title card erupts onto the screen via a burst of skittles or something. IDEK.
One guy is killed by an octopus
One guy is killed by a unicorn which then gallops away while shooting rainbows (FAKE LOOKING, BAD CGI RAINBOWS) out of it’s ass. *bitchface/eye roll/ repeat*
Some dude who seriously came across as if he was asking Sam out (but in a creepy way, haha) is killed by a shark. ZZZZZZ.
Other shit I happened to notice
The guy in the lion costume was called Clif. DNW.
Sam’s bad cop routine was a little amusing I suppose, and Dean bonding with kids. Awwww(!) While stealing a bunch of tickets so he could get a freaking slinky. Though I think they forgot about the tickets. And really, no one picked up on the old dude hanging around at a joint for kids even though he had no kid of his own. I’m sure they were all blinded by his hotness or something.
It was bloody obvious who the killer was if you ask me but of course Sam and Dean don’t have my awesome skills and the episode doesn’t end after twenty minutes like it should.
Some kid draws a robot and AND AND AND I WAS SERIOUSLY EXCITED AT THE THOUGHT OF THERE BEING ROBOTS BECAUSE ROBOTS! But then…Dean rips the fucking picture. That asshole!
And, the bad guy is all…man idk what that dude was wittering on about. Nothing that made much sense to me. But then somehow his brother appears (his brother who’d drowned when they were younger) and apparently the bad guys fear is drowning? Because just like in Red Sky At Morning he starts to choke up water. Seriously, it’s bad enough that it was a shit episode but really, reminding us all of one of the worst episodes of the show? Nice work folks!
While that is happening, Sam is pulling faces and attacking two clowns who are attacking him. It’s not even half as interesting as it sounds.
Eventually as the bad guy D-D-D-DIES! RAZZLE DAZZLE! The Clowns erupt into a mass of GLITTER! Hurray!
The End Scene (or as I call it, the inevitable further disappointment after 39 minutes of general disappointment)
Sam and Dean meet up at whatever piece of junk they’re driving this week and Dean’s all TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL when he sees that Sam is covered in glitter. Cue lots of AWKWARD and FORCED laughter from Mr Jensen Ackles (whom I love). But then it goes on…and on. And this is the point where I start rolling my eyes and screaming END ALREADY! Sam then gives Dean a slinky that he took and Dean hands him a stuffed clown which Sam leaves lying in the road
Cue a zoomed shot of the fucking thing along with creepy, manical clown laughter. YAWN.
What I thought
Supernatural hasn’t had a decent ‘funny’ episode in a very long time, this was no exception. It was slow and confusing in parts. The actually story was bogged down by the attempts at humour and the climax was flat.
The dick jokes. SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I don’t know who would even find so many of them amusing. Oh wait. Moos! The ballwasher scene made me want to stab myself in the eyes repeatedly.
ANOTHER UNECESSARY FILLER. But I don’t even care about the BORING Leviathans. The only thing that would save this show for me is a full on ROBOT INVASION and rebranding of the show, it will be called TERMINATURALATOR instead!
So. Can I just say this. FOR THE LOVE OF PADALECKI, GIVE HIM SCREEN TIME. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ME, JARED SORT OUT YOUR SIDEBURNS. THEY ARE ALIVE. ALIVE. thank you.
PREVIOULSY: bobby is dead. bobby isn’t a ghost yet. did i mention that bobby was de–oh. And Leviathans are still the BORINGEST bad guys EVER. but hey BORINGEST is apparently not a word.
Now: Sam and Depressed!Dean are in a car. It’s not the impala but idgaf anymore. They’re after something. But somehow Sam decides to ask what the plan is when they’re right there. Was the car ride not LONG enough? Not that he needn’t have bothered. Dean’s reply “Don’t die”. I. AM. Speechless. Sam apparently never really wanted an answer anyway. Oh.
They take different sides and somehow 3 seconds later Dean see’s something in the alley and goes charging at it just as Sam reappears from wherever the fuck he went (it was dark and all I saw where SIDEBURNS, OKAY?). Dean’s all like *GROWL* and he collides into the man with…red…red light surrounding him. I don’t know what kind of effects they were going for. But it didn’t really work out. And whoosh! Dean’s GONE. Sam…tries to look worried. At this point, I’d be less concerned about Dean more concerned about my rapidly increasing sideburns length, but that’s just me. Sam can always avoid mirrors.
[Disgusting title card]
TWO DAYS EARLIER: Uhm. I can’t actually remember. Let me think. No, still blank. But let me show you my favorite scene while I remember! SO MUCH HAIR. FLOWING AND OH GOD. SO GLORIOUS. CLICKY ON THE PICS TO SEE BEAUTIFUL GIFS. Btw, if you don’t appreciate the hair there’s something wrong with you move on.
Ignore the Jensen pic because I post it later on. Still failing at wordpess.
Yeah, so Dean and Sam and somewhere – Dean’s reading about Dick Roman online and Sam’s all, “I hope your watching your cartoon smut and not researching Dick Roman”. Okay, seriously, CARTOON SMUT? Who. Who says that? Dean replies, “It’s called anime, it’s an art form”. You mean to tell me that Sam – who went to college – calls anime cartoon smut? Per-lease. Sheriff Mills calls. “Don’t give me that diaper face – I ain’t the one calling you”. I…think we’re supposed to laugh here.
But yes, she calls. I don’t like her. I don’t like how she keeps on popping up because I waste valuable moments of my time trying to remember who the hell she is. She has a case for them or something. I can’t bring myself to care.
The boys play rock paper scissors. Sam wins. Dean quips “How does paper beat rock?”. I facepalm. They do some research and whoever’s writing this episode decides that Dean gets to have more than one brain cell in this episode and he taps into some local camera feeds within 3 seconds or something. FUCK YOU SERA. SAM WAS THE COMPUTER GENIUS. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM OBSOLETE. Yes. Dean’s all ::smug:: about it whereas I am just distracted by the sideburns because MY GOD THEY ARE HUGE. I tune back in to hear Sam say…”Or are you strictly into dick now?”.
Sam’s delivery of the line though was flat – as was Dean’s response so this pleases me. I imagine that all the wincest shippers creamed themselves on the spot. This show is for everybody, not just slash fans.
Some other shit happens. And we’re in the scene from the start. The plan is still “don’t die”. So why they felt it necessary to replay the whole fucking clip again instead of having NOW flash up on the screen is a mystery to me. I can’t bring myself to care – sorry. So just scroll up and read all of that again.
We’re catapulted into 1944 and Dean is—-OH OH OH WAIT. Sorry. Back when I said “Some other shit happens” I didn’t talk about the dude who was all like, “I saw a guy in a Justin Timberlake hat”. Justin Timberlake hat. I feel as though that line was supposed to get a laugh out of me.
So, 1944 and Dean’s arrested. I’m sure this scene was very amusing. I don’t remember much. He’s at the police station and the cop is ridiculing him for having a fake i.d. dated 68 years into the future. Because the writer has decided that Dean is stupid in this scene, he scrunches his face up and starts to count back with…his fingers. I’m sure many people count like that but…well. He looked stupid. Then Eliot Ness comes in and Dean from that point on spends the episode like *_________*. He makes references that I do not understand or remember or care about. He fanboys Elliot Ness to his face and says AWESOME a lot and does some Sean Connery impression or something.
After about five minutes I pray that he shuts the fuck up. Sadly, he doesn’t.
he did look pretty damn hot though. if only this had been a silent movie. Sigh.
So yes. Elliot Ness was a hunter. Who happened to be hunting whatever the fuck Sam and Dean were hunting. The God of Time After Time After Time AKA Jason Dohring because I can’t refer to the dude as simply the God of Time.
Meanwhile, the show hits a new level of boring with Sam/Sheriff Mills. She calls Sam – she’s STILL in a police cruiser, I mean she quite clearly just drives around in that thing for fun because she has no problem with dropping her job (being a sheriff is not important, yo. Don’t you watch TV?!) and getting her ass down to Ohio so she can be in these BORING scenes. They talk about Bobby, sex, pizza, The Kardashians and Sam’s increasingly alarming sideburns and nothing interesting at all.
Back to 1944, and…Dean and Elliot Ness are still after the God of Time. They interview some dude. Jensen looks hot and it’s glorious until he speaks. It’s just a jumble of pop culture references and things I don’t understand. I tune out.
Sam gets sent to sleep by Sheriff Mills in his old pokey room there, and omg it’s glorious. The hair flops everywhere and just omg. Sorry but THIS WAS THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT. HAIR. FLOPPING.
And oh. Somehow Dean has gotten Sam a note from the past through some old, lose brick or something. Still don’t care.
Back in 1944, Elliot Ness and Dean catch up with Jason Dohring. (Sam basically found out that the only way to get Dean back was when he had his hands on Jason Dohring at some specific time and Jason Dohring’s girlfriend from 1944 is alive and tells Sam that it’s 11:34). Yeeeeeeeeah.
So, Sam does all the ritual stuff and here’s the kicker. Cut’s his palm and…uses his blood to write 11:34 on a piece of paper?! LMFAO. Oh, show. So yeah it works and Dean turns up along with Jason Dohring and Sam eventually kills him.
So basically Dean got sent to 1944, hunted with Elliot Ness, got back to 2012 (it should be 2013 but show fails at continuity) and…he doesn’t even get to gank the SOB. Sam who did nothing of importance does because, he’s a MAIN character.
Fuck you, writers.
Oh, it ends with Jason Dohring going all MWAHAHAHA I SEE YOUR FUTURE IT’S FULL OF BLACK OOZE! AND LEVIATHANS. Uhm. We all knew that. Sam and Dean knew that, WHY ARE WE ALL SO SURPRISED?!!!!
I feel as though I need to be snarky. They need to just fire the on-set groomer or take him/her on a one week course or something. Just one week should be enough for them to learn how to make sideburns look STYLISH instead of SCARY. Should be…I’ve lost all hope. We’ll lose his precious face soon. So I’m just going to, take time to stare at it for a minute. Possibly an hour.