parody

If Ed Sheeran had a song about cereal…


… I’m pretty sure that it would go like this:
Ed Sheeran – So Surreal (Cereal)

Woke up one day
It was raining
Water on the window pane
Slowly driving me insane
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)

(Hook)
Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

(Chorus)
This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

It was a Monday
Didn’t hear what you say
You looked sad
And I felt bad
Still I pushed you away
Cause every damn day
Went to the cupboard
Before you could say a word
I pulled out the box
Opened the fridge like a sly fox
Rummaging without fear
(Yeah yeah yeah)


Oh and I poured
Yeah-e-yeah
I poured until I couldn’t pour anymore
Oh and I poured
Til I couldn’t pour anymore

This cereal (cereal)
Seems surreal (seems surreal)
Each bite reminds me (reminds me of you)
And I just can’t be (just can’t be)
Sitting here
Eating cereal (cereal)
I’ve got to move on
Lie under the sun
And think about brighter days
All our happy ways
Eating cereal (cereal)
Giiiirl, you’re so surreal

Bridge [needlessly backed by a gospel choir]

Rice Krispies
Oh yeah, when we had a ball
Cheerios
For when we wished we had it all
Cornflakes
That night we danced in the hall
Honey Nut
Oh, girl you really made me fall
Coco pops
Oh, yeah you had me up against the wall
Cereal (oh na na na na naii)
Girl you had me standing tall

(Hook)

(Chorus) x 3


If you’re wondering why I penned this song (lmao), the answer is that I don’t get Ed Sheeran. He went from being a WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) to an overexposed and overrated WGWG. I actually liked his first album. Lego House. Give Me Love. A Team etc. Everything else that’s come after it – nope.
Shape Of You still makes me want to take a frying pan to the head.

It’s not unusual for someone to sell out the way he did, and whatever, get money.

I’d just like him to get money without irritating me with his bland, unexciting lyrics.

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Too Mooch, too soon


Good news everyone!

White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci has been fired after fewer than 10 days in the post.

I’m sorry, but I have to go all Channing Tatum up in here. 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. 

Oh no he diiiiiiiiidn’t

This is too much. 

This man missed the birth of his child to attend that embarrassing Boys Scout event and this is how Trump pays him back? He even got served with divorce papers because his wife was unhappy with his level of ass kissing. Still, that wasn’t enough to save him. 

That’s cold-blooded. I almost feel sorry for him but he’s still a rich, privileged man. He will be fine. 

I’m guessing it all went down like this. 

Trump: Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the craziest and Presidential of them all!

Mirror: You are the craziest no more but Presidential you are!

Trump: What? No longer the craziest Lemme guess, Crooked Hillary has finally shown her true colours?

Mirror: No, sir, the honour has been bestowed on The Mooch! His legend grows and grows and he’s the talk of the talk shows and fake but also real news!

Trump; The who?

Mirror: Anthony Scaramucci, sir. 

Trump: Yeah, I know that guy, but who’s The Mooch?

Mirror decides to speed the process up.

Mirror: The Mooch threatens all that you’ve worked hard for, sir. He’s taking away all of the attention!

Trump: Sad! How dare he? He’s finished in this town. Nobody makes crazy, inane statements but me, and occasionally Sean Spicer and that woman who replaced him – you know, the six point five – but also ME!!!!! 

Mirror: He even threatened Priebus via Twitter, sir. It seems that he wanted to emulate you, sir. 

Trump: NOBODY SENDS OUT RIDICULOUSLY HAM-FISTED TWEETS BUT ME!! 

Mirror: Raise hand slowly, sir and let’s say the magic words together…

Trump stretches out his unnecessarily long tie and raises his hand, his finger curling as they say:

Trump/Mirror: You’re fired!

Of course, Gen. John Kelly was the one who actually fired Scaramucci. You see, when you push out the previous chief of staff who you don’t report to, you really need to make sure that the same applies for his replacement. 

Scaramucci, you are the weakest link. 
Goodbye!