Aaron was in the news recently for his DUI arrest and subsequent fifteen minutes of fame. He milked that arrest like it needed to be delivered the next morning. Damn. He called Nick out (this is all Aaron does when it comes to Nick, but that’s related to other shit), he said people were body shaming him. We didn’t know the truth. The truth would come out.
Yes, as promised I am going to sort of recap and review Dead 7 for my one reader. Which is me, so. Self – this is for you. I took about 36 different screenshots during this shit, so this post will be image heavy. There are some NSFW ones, so that will all be under a cut. Sigh.
Nick Carter provides us with a helpful voiceover that I sort of didn’t listen to. He’s playing someone called Jack and Joey Fatone is called Whiskey Joe. Oh, and Nick’s wife is in this too. Hopefully her acting is better her than it was on their reality show. There’s some kinda theme song that’s kinda cool. The villain appears to be a bald woman….thing…I don’t know, but she is called Apocalyptica.
She kills some dude that she has locked in a cell. She kind of pulls some faces at him and turns him into a zombie by giving him what looks like a bite of a human kidney. Apparently he’s now the flesh of the undead. There is some evil laughter.
Oh…and this movie has chapters? Alright, Nick, I’mma let you begin at least.
STORY BY NICK CARTER. #WhatAboutEvilBlessingsNick?
AJ Maclean is riding around on a horse yelling, ‘Come on, we’ve got people to eat’. Somewhere, Brian and Kevin are just sitting back, silently thankful that they’re not in this mess. AJ Maclean and his band of zombies attack some kind of tavern. AJ’s idea of evil is basically manic laughter and white face paint. All that’s missing is a ‘Y SO SERIOUS?’. While AJ’N’Zombies are going crazy, a lone ranger is running around taking on zombies one at a time until his gun jams and someone called Daisy Jane (his girlfriend?) turns up to save him.
DAISY JANE? I’m surprised Nick didn’t call her Candy Cane, as a nod to Aaron. AJ shows up and cackles incoherently. I can’t understand a word he’s saying because it’s just ‘mumble mumble he he he he he he he he he’. The lone ranger and Candy Cane gag him and…take him with them as opposed to killing him. In the jail house, AJ is talking coherently but saying all of the usual villainous guff and he he he he he he heeeee *bangs head on wall*. I’m 12 minutes in and that laughter is already REALLY annoying.
This is already worse than the five minutes of Minotaur that I had the misfortune of seeing. That was the same day my Tom Hardy marathon ended, FYI. It was some Meatloaf kind of realness. I’d watch anything for my crush-of-the-moment (but I won’t watch that).
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LOOK AT THAT FAUXSTACHE. God bless Nick Carter. He will always be the superior Carter brother (Aaron is currently lost, but he will find his way back. I would DM him on Twitter but I’m scared at the prospect of his response – I hear he flashed his bum on some form of social media recently. No bueno).
Howie, boo, I hope you’re debt-free. I will forgive you this one lapse. Well. Second. His 90s goatee wasn’t the best choice.
Joey Fatone. Well. He’s no stranger to SyFy. I remember his three seconds in Jersey Shore Shark Attack. He also looks like a young-ish Jim Beaver on this poster. LMAO.
AJ. Born to be a villain. But not born to have that awful make-up on his face.
I love that the tagline is LARGER THAN LIFE! I suppose LARGER THAN DIRTY POP! Or I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY! would not have worked as well.
Anyway, it’s okay, Nick. I forgive you…I am sure it is contextual and everything….
….cause that makes you laaaaaaaaarger than liiiiiiiiifeeeeeee!
Like watching the show, which I’ll probably get back to in a couple of weeks. I’ll also do a post over the weekend with the results from my ‘awards’ polls. I wonder which one Jensen will win…hmm.
In the meantime, here’s an old clip from the critically acclaimed (or not lol) reality TV show that showcased the life of Nick Carter and his siblings because nothing screams resolving your issues like moving into a modern day fishbowl so everyone else can see into your life. Is it bad that I kind of like the beat that Aaron was jamming to at the start of the clip?
I know what you’re thinking. Who wants to watch a show about Nick Carter? The answer is probably a surprising number of people. He has some crazy fans. Last I heard, they’d raised money to fund a movie he was doing called ‘Evil Blessings’. I’ve heard nothing about said movie since. But that could be because I unfollowed him on Twitter. However, he’s still the hottest Backstreet Boy, and I’m still a Backstreet fan, so…here I am. Anyway, onto the show!