Cobra Kai: Season 3, Episode 1 “Aftermath”

Last season: Kreese came back and inexplicably took over Johnny’s dojo and nobody found it weird. Both, Johnny and Daniel used a bunch of kids to hash out their personal differences. There was some high school drama that led to an all out brawl leaving Johnny’s protégé, Miguel, in a coma. Daniel’s daughter was left with injuries the pointy end of the love triangle she was in with Robbie, who is Johnny’s son/the reason why Miguel is in a coma.


Aftermath

I didn’t care for this episode. Something was off. It held my interest, but it seemed like a rehash of what we’ve seen before. Johnny drinking and getting into fights. Daniel feeling maudlin about how everything has gone wrong. John Kreese rubbing his hands in all his villain glory and basically spelling out the season for us.

There was a glimmer of hope at the end when Daniel and Johnny are hopefully about to team up to find Robbie, but I found it annoying they had Johnny go out of his way to sneak into see Miguel meanwhile Daniel is trying to find his son. Has the character regressed that badly?

Miguel is still in the episode via a mixture of dream and flashback sequences where he’s doing karate and it got extremely cheesy after the first two times. By the time he woke up I could only release a suffering sigh.

Rating: 2/5.

The I-Land (Netflix)

SPOILERS AHEAD (not that anyone should care). This show has a justified rating of 8% on Rotten Tomatoes!

Anyway, here’s the synopsis straight from Wikipedia because I’ve forgotten everything but how much this show sucked.

Ten people wake up on the beach of what appears to be a deserted tropical island. None of them have any memory of who they are or how they got there, and each takes on the name that is printed on their clothes tags. The group make initial attempts to band together, but differing priorities and strong personalities cause some of them to clash. In particular, Chase, who wants to investigate the island, doesn’t get along with KC, who is suspicious of Chase’s ability to find resources, and Brody, who attempts to rape Chase.

When Brody is murdered, the group assume Chase is responsible and knock her unconscious. Chase wakes up in a prison facility, where she learns that she and the other nine people are violent crime prisoners, and are part of a “rehabilitation simulation”. Their minds have been put in the computer simulation of the island to test if they’ll resume old behavioral patterns. Anyone who dies in the simulation dies in real life. Chase is returned to the island simulation, where the avatars of two prison marshals arrive to deliberately cause the group to fight and split up. Additionally, the prisoners’ memories start to return, which causes further friction and confusion.

I don’t really know what to say about this show.

It’s like The Matrix, but on a tropical island.

Usually, I’m all for lambasting terrible shows, but I do give points for watchability (new word!) and I made it through the season. Meaning that I was reasonably entertained.

I even stuck around after Kyle Schmid’s character was killed and he was the only reason I watched the show.

Unfortunately, the main character is Chase, who annoyed me right off the bat. She’s in prison for murdering her mother, but it turns out her husband did it and framed her for it. And somehow landed himself in jail too? She does all the Mary Sue type things that end up justifying her release. Yawn.

Next, there’s KC, a cold woman who murdered her young children and tried to kill herself. Her character arc was weird and unsettling. They try to make her come off sympathetic, but… it didn’t work.

Kyle Schmid’s character, Moses, is an extremist who accidentally killed people when he blew up a gas pipeline.

… and every other character is completely terrible too.

There’s not a redeeming quality in sight.

I feel like we’re supposed to get to get the end and feel sorry for Chase (who truly is innocent), but I merely wished the entire island had vanished off Earth (the scenery was beautiful, though).

I’m yet to understand several things.

  1. How the show was made. Like, did a whole bunch of people read the scripts and think wow, this is amazing!
  2. Why it was seven episodes long? It all went left after the third episode when we find out none of it is real.
  3. Why Alex Pettyfer is in this – I know he’s a douche, but is he really struggling for roles?
  4. Why Kyle’s character didn’t have his trademark hair! I’ve never been so disappointed. 😂

Anyway, yeah.

Avoid this one, snarklings!

Desperados (2020)

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[Desparados] [2020] [15%]
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[A panicked woman rushes to Mexico — with her reluctant friends in tow — to try to delete a ranting email she sent to her new boyfriend.].

I forgot to roast this movie back when I watched it.

It was a lesson in watching a movie for one person. One that I seem to need constant reminders for (looking at you, I Give It A Year! I still love Simon Baker, though). In this case, I’d just seen Upload and decided I wanted to watch everything Robbie Amell was in.

I made it far as Desperados and realised I’m not that desperados to watch anything else he’s in that’s not Upload. Sorry, Robbie!

It’s by far one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and how I made it to the end, I’ll never know. Not only is it not funny, it makes light of paedophilia for the sake of jokes that don’t land (and even if they did, it wasn’t on the planet and Mars probably rejected them too).

The premise is so stupid that I don’t know how the movie was made at all. I’m pretty sure they use Gmail in the film and it’s had an ‘undo’ function for at least ten years now.

I mean, really?

Somehow it has a 5.1 rating on IMDB.

My rating is 0/10. I watched it during lockdown and it was still a waste of time.

Project Power (2020)

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YEAR
Project Power 2020 60%
project-power-cast-all
A former soldier teams up with a cop to find the source behind a dangerous pill that provides temporary superpowers.

Project Power is full of excitement and superpowers galore, but unfortunately, it never quite hits it stride.

THAT BEING SAID – JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT! Continue reading “Project Power (2020)”

The Perfect Date (2019)

YEAR
The Perfect Date 2019 65%
A high school student creates an app to offer his services as a fake date to make money for college. When he develops feelings for someone, his plan gets complicated.
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I don’t think I’m the target audience for this movie but it’s impossible to find a movie within my desired runtime (90 mins or less because I don’t want butt cramp) so I decided to watch this.

Anyway, before I say anything else, I couldn’t figure out if Noah Centineo was deliberately smiling like he was doing his best Jaws impression or if that was just his face. I think it turned out to be his face, but every time he grinned it threw me out of the movie.

Onto the plot and it’s your run-of-the-mill teen rom-com. Sort of. To sum it up, Boy Wants To Go To Yale. Boy has no money. Boy also has no idea who he is because they never do. Boy agrees to date a friend’s cousin for money. Boy decides to turn that into a money-making scheme and gets his best friend to create an app. Boy goes on dates. Boy hangs out with friend’s cousin a lot. Boy also has time to fall for a girl but makes Cliched Movie Mistake of lying. Boy has a revelation. Boy decides not to go to Yale. Boy gets The Girl. Big woo.

I was reasonably entertained by this movie, but it’s one of those films where the summary is the most interesting part. I wanted to see the perfect dates! Instead we see his life outside of the dates and that consists of him working at Subway-Lite, sitting around at school and driving around with The Girl.

We get a montage of the dates and then one weird date at the end where it’s an older lady who’s service to the plot is to ram the beauty isn’t everything message home, but THAT’S THE WHOLE PLOT OF THE MOVIE! That’s all I was there for.

Still, it’s an oddly charming movie and Boy and Girl clicked well together.

5/10.

You (Lifetime/Netflix)

What would you do for love? For a brilliant male bookstore manager who crosses paths with an aspiring female writer, this question is put to the test. A charming yet awkward crush becomes something even more sinister when the writer becomes the manager’s obsession. Using social media and the internet, he uses every tool at his disposal to become close to her, even going so far as to remove any obstacle –including people — that stands in his way of getting to her.


This post is based on season 1 of ‘You’ and somehow, while I enjoyed the show overall, I’ve been put off by people’s reactions to it (surprise, surprise).

Maybe it’s the writer in me, but I found You to be witty and clever. It’s deliberately misleading – we’re supposed to sympathise with Joe until the end when everything he says becomes null and void.

He did everything for Beck, but in the end, she wasn’t worth giving up his freedom.

… meaning that he’s just a plain old psychopath after all.

… meaning that he probably never really loved her (because as we see, he had a fucked up upbringing and never learned how to love or express emotion in a healthy way).

Continue reading “You (Lifetime/Netflix)”

the unauthorised bash brothers experience

What’s up, snarklings?! It’s been a while…but I’m back with another mini-review of…

I read a review about this that called it ‘amazing television’ and that was a damn lie. 

It’s okay television. Or a visual poem as they’re calling it. Apparently, it’s a spoof of Beyonce’s Lemonade, which is something that I haven’t and probably will not see. 

It’s based on the ‘Bash Brothers’ two baseball players that were known for bashing their forearms together when they hit a home run. Oh, and apparently they both did a bunch of steroids. One revealed it publicly and they’ve been enemies ever since. 

I suppose you’ll either like this or you don’t. I was amused during some parts, but more in a WHY?! kind of way than a ha ha ha ha haaaa way. There are a bunch of 10/10 reviews on IMDB (which, of course, is known for its objectivity) and everyone loves it. 

When I finished watching it, my reaction was literally: okay

That was after I found myself jamming to “Let’s Bash’ which is the only song I liked from the album (it’s an album too!).

I like the first song too – “José and Mark” – but I’m not American and the baseball theme probably sailed directly over my head.

Oakland Nights is decent and it features Sterling K. Brown as Sia. For whatever reason, I didn’t find that particularly amusing. Maybe if it had been Sterling K. Brown as Gordon Walker (he’ll always be GW to me!) as Sia, it would have landed better for me, but meh. Humour is subjective. 

I think The Lonely Island are definitely better in small doses, but overall it was a fun watch. 

I’d give it a cool 6 outta 10.

Dear White People

Originally written 18th January. I watched the first episode and wasn’t really interested enough to continue, but I did write a review! If anyone does watch it, I’d be interested in hearing what you think. Does it get better? Continue reading “Dear White People”

The Ranch (Netflix)

Ashton Kutcher stars in this Netflix-original sitcom as Colt, who returns home to his family’s ranch in Colorado after his semi-pro football career ends in failure. Colt plans to run the ranching business with his older brother, Rooster, and his father, Beau (Sam Elliott), whom he hasn’t seen in 15 years. In addition to proving himself to his father and navigating family dynamics, Colt is torn between his current girlfriend and his high school sweetheart, Abby (Elisha Cuthbert), when she expresses doubts about her fiance.

I reviewed the pilot episode of this show a while back. The post is no longer up (because I have standards or something, idk!) but the snark was strong.

Based on the pilot, the summary of this show is basically ‘Youngest son returns home after failed football career to find that his father is still a redneck farmer that hates everything.’

The laugh track doesn’t help this show because as people are ‘laughing’, I’m wondering if I’m having a terrible dream. There are wise cracks about Ashton Kutcher wearing Uggs. The first one was so painful that the writer treated us to another. The opening conversation is about Ashton Kutcher’s character slipping when peeing into the mouth of an ice statue. He ended up flashing Shania Twain while he was up in Canada. The following exchange happens:

Brother: I bet she said that ‘don’t impress me much’.

Ashton
: No, she said, ‘man I feel like a woman’.

Laugh track
: ha ha ha ha ha we’re sobbing on the inside.

By the end of the episode, Ashton Kutcher’s character has supposedly failed his football tryout. He asks his father if he can stay and tries to give him money. His father says no and zzzzZzzzzz. Is this a sitcom or weird family drama? Oh and Ashton and his father manage to end a fifteen year drought by arguing. As this happens a song with the lyrics ‘Rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby freaky’ (or something along those lines) plays and I was silently screaming SOMEBODY SAVE ME.

Clearly, I don’t care enough about ranches and hoedowns to like this show. Oh, and I just looked up the reviews and apparently the internet agrees that this show is terrible. Well, some of the internet. Apparently it gets better. Or is it that the pilot is so woeful that it can’t get any worse?

As someone who genuinely liked Undateable (which was a terrible, terrible show), I should probably give this show a few more episodes on that basis. However, if I do, I’m only doing so because I like Elisha Cuthbert.

I’m still mostly watching the show for Elisha Cuthbert. The jokes are so-so and it’s basically a predictable soap opera.

The biggest issue while watching the show was Danny Masterson. His jokes were along the lines of the Shania Twain joke. Insensitive and not very funny. I was also aware of the accusations against him so it was super uncomfortable. He left the show eventually (well, they fired him) so…I don’t know. Perhaps the show can focus on actual humour and discard the cheap laughs.

Or not.

The only major criticism I have is that it’s very repetitive and it looks cheap. I think I read that they shoot it on a soundstage in Burbank (in front of a live audience who apparently laugh at the many, many, f-bombs). Yeah. It shows.

I also hate all of the country music they keep subjecting me to. I don’t think I’m the show’s target audience AT ALL.

And I am not sure why ‘fuck, yeah‘ comes up so many time in the scripts. If they’re ad-libs then…fuck, no. Swearing is a lazy punch line that doesn’t really sound good when it’s a half an hour show. It also sounds so forced on the show at times that I automatically roll my eyes.

Other than that it kind of grows on you. I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either.

It’s harmless background noise and perfect for those nights when you can’t fall asleep, lol.

Verdict: 5/10

ETA: I finished season 2 part 2/season 4 and ugh. Predictable. That and everyone seems to have undergone asshole transplants. Elisha’s character was just annoying which means that my viewership may end sooner rather than later. They need to give her better material. Or maybe just get her to come back as Alex Kerkovich.

#HappyEndings4eva