snarkview: DEAD 7 (AKA The Backstreet Boys and [not really] Nsync movie)

Yes, as promised I am going to sort of recap and review Dead 7 for my one reader. Which is me, so. Self – this is for you. I took about 36 different screenshots during this shit, so this post will be image heavy. There are some NSFW ones, so that will all be under a cut. Sigh.


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Nick Carter provides us with a helpful voiceover that I sort of didn’t listen to. He’s playing someone called Jack and Joey Fatone is called Whiskey Joe. Oh, and Nick’s wife is in this too. Hopefully her acting is better her than it was on their reality show. There’s some kinda theme song that’s kinda cool. The villain appears to be a bald woman….thing…I don’t know, but she is called Apocalyptica.

 

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boo!

 

She kills some dude that she has locked in a cell. She kind of pulls some faces at him and turns him into a zombie by giving him what looks like a bite of a human kidney. Apparently he’s now the flesh of the undead. There is some evil laughter.

Oh…and this movie has chapters? Alright, Nick, I’mma let you begin at least.

STORY BY NICK CARTER. #WhatAboutEvilBlessingsNick?

AJ Maclean is riding around on a horse yelling, ‘Come on, we’ve got people to eat’. Somewhere, Brian and Kevin are just sitting back, silently thankful that they’re not in this mess. AJ Maclean and his band of zombies attack some kind of tavern. AJ’s idea of evil is basically manic laughter and white face paint. All that’s missing is a ‘Y SO SERIOUS?’. While AJ’N’Zombies are going crazy, a lone ranger is running around taking on zombies one at a time until his gun jams and someone called Daisy Jane (his girlfriend?) turns up to save him.

DAISY JANE? I’m surprised Nick didn’t call her Candy Cane, as a nod to Aaron. AJ shows up and  cackles incoherently. I can’t understand a word he’s saying because it’s just ‘mumble mumble he he he he he he he he he’. The lone ranger and Candy Cane gag him and…take him with them as opposed to killing him. In the jail house, AJ is talking coherently but saying all of the usual villainous guff and he he he he he he heeeee *bangs head on wall*. I’m 12 minutes in and that laughter is already REALLY annoying.

This is already worse than the five minutes of Minotaur that I had the misfortune of seeing. That was the same day my Tom Hardy marathon ended, FYI. It was some Meatloaf kind of realness. I’d watch anything for my crush-of-the-moment (but I won’t watch that).

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Celebrating four years of supernatural snark!

Well, not really. LOL.

According to WordPress, I’ve been running this thing since December 2011. My first thought was, OH MY GOD, WHY AM I STILL HERE?! And then I realised that I have made progress of sorts. Through snark, I realised that life is a lot better when you’re not disturbingly infatuated with something.

I can sum it all up easily. Once upon a time, I was obsessed with a TV show that has since outlived its welcome. I started bitching about said show until eventually, it got so bad that it barely held my interest. So, I started bitching about Padajesus and his shenanigans and then eventually, he became so annoying and stupid that he barely holds my interest and now I blog about random shit and, occasionally, spn-related stupidity.

Along the way, I encountered some like-minded individuals, some people who feared for my health and some charming internet-warrior fans. I’ve had some great discussions and more often than not, the comments crack me up. So thank you to anyone who’s ever chimed in on my posts. I appreciate it and you’re all welcome to tell me to shut up. Unless your name begins with an L.

For the next couple of months, I probably won’t be watching the show, but if anyone is interested, I’ll be snarking about other crap (for instance, I just watched the first two episodes of Blood Ties – AY DIOS MIO! Kyle Schmid’s face is the only reason why I’m continuing. It was a travesty. Anyway,  expect a post!). I will probably snark about SPN again at some point. Like when it’s renewed for season 12. If that happens, I bet you all a random sock that the last scene of the show will be some kind of dream scenario.

Apparently this is a hate blog (it’s an extreme dislike blog AT BEST!), so here’s to four years of hatin’! *clink*

Anyway results, results, results! Just pretend that it says 2015.

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