snarkview: The Following (all seasons)

FYI, this show clearly went downhill when they killed off Warren Kole’s character but whatever, let me get into the post. Apologies in advance for any spelling issues, types etc. It’s all Kevin Bacon’s fault. Also this is kind of LONG.

The Following’s first season centers on former FBI agent Ryan Hardy (Kevin Bacon) and his attempts to re-capture serial killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy), following the latter’s escape from prison. Hardy soon discovers that Carroll has surrounded himself with a group of like-minded individuals, whom he met while teaching and while in prison, and turned them into a cult of fanatical killers, including his right-hand, Emma Hill (Valorie Curry). When Carroll’s son, Joey Matthews (Kyle Catlett), is abducted by his father’s followers, Agents Mike Weston (Shawn Ashmore), Debra Parker (Annie Parisse), and the rest of the FBI team discover that it is the first step in Carroll’s wider plan to escape custody, humiliate Hardy, and be reunited with his ex-wife Claire Matthews (Natalie Zea).

The first season of The Following at least had shock value. Crazy serial killer (Joe Carroll) breaks out of jail and kills more people. Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with his own high-school level analysis of Edgar Allen Poe. YAY. TELL-TALE HEART, WHEE!!! His nemesis Kevin Bacon puts him back in jail. He breaks out again due to the cult he’s managed to build up of those weird (yeah, I said it) people who write to prisoners they have no prior affiliation with. Oh, and Crazy Serial Killer has his son kidnapped because he wants to reunite with his wife. The same wife who shacked up with Kevin Bacon. Who put him in jail. Twice. Anyway, yeah…

Season 1 was okay. At the end, Crazy Serial Killer fakes his own death by switching his DNA with his dead half-brother. Oh, and they didn’t know about the dead half-brother. Or they did? I don’t know. It wasn’t very clear.

In the middle of this there’s some bullshit love triangle. Jacob and Paul have been pretending to be gay for X number of years so they could get close to Crazy Serial Killer’s unfinished/business last victim (who was saved by Kevin Bacon). Yeah, Crazy Serial Killer is all about the long con because, you know. Poe. Anyway, somewhere along the line Jacob and Paul started smashing but like, Jacob’s not gay. And he immediately gets back with Emma (they met in prison – classic love story) when they kidnap Crazy Serial Killer’s son. Paul is jealous, Emma is annoying, Jacob spends much of the first half of the season looking as if he’s been continuously stubbing his toe for a month.

Paul is really, really, really jealous so he kidnaps a girl as retaliation…? Jacob tries to help her escape because TWIST! He hasn’t killed anyone yet, he just…didn’t want to be a doctor like his Dad wanted him to be. I suppose joining a murderous cult was better than getting a job or something. Anyway, Emma basically abandons them after a run in with Kevin Bacon and Paul gets an infection that’s deadly so Jacob smothers with him a pillow – but not until after they confess their love blah, blah. Oh, and that’s the first person he’s killed, so. Yay for him. It added zero to the plot. Emma kills Jacob after he asks her to run away with him. If only he knew that Emma basically wants to be Mrs Crazy Serial Killer.

This show is a blatant abuser of the bad guy monologue. In between Crazy Serial Killer’s long rambling monologues and Kevin Bacon running after people and not collapsing every five minutes due to his alcoholism/pacemaker combo, there were at least four episodes worth of irrelevant conversation. I honestly exercised my yelling STFU/EYE ROLL combo many, many times. All you need to know is that Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with Kevin Bacon. And Kevin Bacon is obsessed with him. Yawn.

 

and you could have it all

 

There was also someone called Roderick, who was Crazy Serial Killer’s wingman and sent up a nice mansion for all of Crazy Serial Killer’s fan club. He was a sheriff who made the stupid mistake of beating up Weston, an agent working with Kevin Bacon, and apparently not realising that someone could…recognise his voice. For someone who was supposed to be so smart, it was pretty stupid. He dies.

Anyway.  After a completely ridiculous series finale, they think Crazy Serial Killer is dead and then….

Jared Padalecki and the evil golden arches

If you’re on a phone, you can see the video: here

So, let’s do a checklist (as opposed to receiving a check for eating McD’s. Sigh):

• Using the kids as part of his Big Mac Pimpin’ – CHECK
• Adequate information about whatever the hell he’s promoting? – NOPE
• Adequate information about himself? – YEP!
• Statement implying that he’s not just doing this for the money? CHECK. He owns his own business, y’all. I’m not hating on that, I just wouldn’t have put it in the clip if I wanted people to really go out and sample this All Day Breakfast thing, which doesn’t sound healthy but…
• Some sort of clip hinting that with the right amount of exercise, we can all eat McDonald’s All Day menu and end up with chiseled abs and an excessive amount of beanies. – CHECK.
• Another inexplicable explanation about how he flies back and forth by his own choosing – CHECK.

Night Of The Wild (AKA…The Killer Pet Dog Movie)

I like SyFy movies for what they are – crappy, badly edited but hilarious movies. So when I saw that Rob Morrow happened to be in a SyFy movie I was happy to add it to  my watch list.

With a summary like this, how could I not?

In “NIGHT OF THE WILD”, a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, and pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive. attacking and killing the residents. Teenager Roslyn (Mays) and her old but faithful dog Shep are out camping when the attacks hit. Now separated by the chaos in town and blocked roads, Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds before the dogs take over the whole town and escape becomes impossible.

I wasn’t even going to watch this but…

But now that it’s been mentioned to me a few times, I figured I might as well. That should please Liz — I’M LOOKING AT HIS VIDEO FOR MYSELF, GIRL! You happy?

I’m glad that I did, lmaoooo, you can’t make this shit up. Jared’s selling y’all orange juice now! He needs some $$ for Christmas, I guess. 

chicago fire: 4×02

Continuing on from episode 1…

The paramedics are still checking in on the baby that they saved. One of them has baby eyes. SIGH. I hope that I’m not smelling an adoption storyline.

Dawson’s pregnant ass finally tells everyone that she’s pregnant (but it hasn’t been six weeks yet…I don’t trust this show) and gets a super duper magical, immediate transfer to a desk job in Arson. CONVENIENT. Well, Severide put in a good word for her but considering that he just got his ass demoted, that’s awfully convenieeeeeeeeeent.

Jeremy from TVD utters a line about Mad Max and at that point I had forgotten that he was on the show. They mention his douchebag brother, so I guess he’ll be back. And while I’m not exactly #TeamManscaping, I really need him to get those eyebrows plucked. They are ALIVE.

Casey finally finds dead body’s notebook (her name is Katya and she was a dancer at a strip club called Stilettos and she was shot last season by some shady dude working with the owner of the club who’s also looking for the notebook *deep breath*). Said owner tries to shoot Casey but he’s foiled by Sgt Voight. YAAAAAAAAAY. Please let there be no more flashbacks.

Molly’s (the bar) new neighbour is bitchy for no reason. Herman shows up with pie and a promise to keep the noise down and she’s all like, ‘my son is allergic to sugar’ and then she insults his five kids. Needless to say, Herman decides to have the best karaoke night of his life on that same night. Right after throwing the pie at her door. Welp.

Oh and another character from Chicago Med shows up, because you now, NEW SHOW!! CHICAGO TRILOGY WOOO! I can’t wait for the four part crossover with Chicago PD/Chicago Fire/Chicago Med and SVU. I could do without the SVU part, it’s always some depressing shit. The last SVU crossover episode was just unnecessary.

GOTHAM: 2×06, that girl is on fire

…yes, my title is from that Alicia Keys song about the girl with some kind of rash.

previously: theo burned some shit to the ground and some chick called firefly killed some cop with a flamethrower and all kinds of hell broke loose. butch had his hand chopped off.

GOTHAM: 2×05, fire and eyes

LAST WEEK: STRIKE FORCE

So for my birthday, I was just like, ‘Hm, let’s pick a movie’ and I chose Horrible Bosses 2. No one told me that Chris Pine was in it….. He was doing that weird yelling-talking thing again!!! And I know that he’s capable of speaking normally. I’ve seen Unstoppable! Anyway, yes. I turned it off after ten minutes.

I assumed that Gotham would be more tolerable and…it was certainly something. Sigh.

Last Man On Earth (Season 1)

At the recommendation of Trish, I decided to check this show out. It had a slow start, given that there were only two characters in the first few episodes but it grew on me slowly. The best thing about the show is that they manage to pack a lot into twenty minutes. It’s an unconventional sitcom. There’s no laugh track, or obvious cutaways and I like that.

The show is basically set in a time where most of the world has been wiped out by a virus bar Phil Miller, who’s been going around the USA, leaving the words ‘Alive in Tucson’ on billboards, while having an interesting time all alone in his house believing that he’s the ‘Last man on Earth’. By the end of the first episode, he bumps into Carol. The actress playing Carol was on The Hotwives of Orlando playing a spoof of Kim Richards and her voice really, really got on my nerves then and it did on this show too. Somehow, I got used to it and I actually kind of like her character too.

GOTHAM: 2X03, papa don’t preach

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Last week: CHAOS.

And the reinvention of the telephone.

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This week:

Someoone is thrown out a window….by JIM GORDON? Okay, Jim. Do you.

I can’t stop laughing at this!

I feel like I’ve seen it before but…that doesn’t make it any less hilarious!