Quick note: To anyone that I owe a reply to – I am the world’s slowest replier to comments but I always get around to them eventually 🙂
After a year long hiatus from reality TV, I have returned to it because I’m watching an actual TV for the first time in a long time. Mostly it’s been cooking shows, but I have stumbled upon the court based reality shows. Obviously Judge Judy is one but meh. I love her eye roll but not how she rolls (if you know what I mean).
I decided to do a post about them because technically this blog is about me watching bad television. Let’s call this my on-topic post of the month 😀
Just once I’d like a fan to clap back with some shit like, ‘I worked seven jobs and sold my priceless unicorn collection to be able to afford this con and you can’t take your fucking hat off? Who the fuck do you think you are?!’ but they’re too busy raising money for the next proverbial fuck you that Jared decides to serve up. Oh well.
Speaking of conventions. And Jared (sigh…)…
I had this odd dream that I paid $8 to go to this…Jared convention type thing. Somehow everyone travelled via a bus (even Jared, so if I didn’t know it was a dream before, I definitely did after the bus ride – we all know that he’s too good to ride on a bus with peasants!). The driver let people on without tickets for the sit-with-Jared-in-a-room con so long as they paid the fee, because you know, dream world.
Apart from Misha (clearly my subconscious was just fucking with me on this particular day because Misha Collins has no damn place in my head or dreams or anywhere near me. EW), it was just Jared in a room. I kept seeing posters advertising events but it was just a bunch of tables in a room. And all he did was leave the room and come back. So maybe I was missing some shit that wasn’t included with the eight dollar package. At one point he took off his jacket but…there was another jacket underneath. It was all very exciting.
FYI, this show clearly went downhill when they killed off Warren Kole’s character but whatever, let me get into the post. Apologies in advance for any spelling issues, types etc. It’s all Kevin Bacon’s fault. Also this is kind of LONG.
The Following’s first season centers on former FBI agent Ryan Hardy (Kevin Bacon) and his attempts to re-capture serial killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy), following the latter’s escape from prison. Hardy soon discovers that Carroll has surrounded himself with a group of like-minded individuals, whom he met while teaching and while in prison, and turned them into a cult of fanatical killers, including his right-hand, Emma Hill (Valorie Curry). When Carroll’s son, Joey Matthews (Kyle Catlett), is abducted by his father’s followers, Agents Mike Weston (Shawn Ashmore), Debra Parker (Annie Parisse), and the rest of the FBI team discover that it is the first step in Carroll’s wider plan to escape custody, humiliate Hardy, and be reunited with his ex-wife Claire Matthews (Natalie Zea).
The first season of The Following at least had shock value. Crazy serial killer (Joe Carroll) breaks out of jail and kills more people. Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with his own high-school level analysis of Edgar Allen Poe. YAY. TELL-TALE HEART, WHEE!!! His nemesis Kevin Bacon puts him back in jail. He breaks out again due to the cult he’s managed to build up of those weird (yeah, I said it) people who write to prisoners they have no prior affiliation with. Oh, and Crazy Serial Killer has his son kidnapped because he wants to reunite with his wife. The same wife who shacked up with Kevin Bacon. Who put him in jail. Twice. Anyway, yeah…
Season 1 was okay. At the end, Crazy Serial Killer fakes his own death by switching his DNA with his dead half-brother. Oh, and they didn’t know about the dead half-brother. Or they did? I don’t know. It wasn’t very clear.
In the middle of this there’s some bullshit love triangle. Jacob and Paul have been pretending to be gay for X number of years so they could get close to Crazy Serial Killer’s unfinished/business last victim (who was saved by Kevin Bacon). Yeah, Crazy Serial Killer is all about the long con because, you know. Poe. Anyway, somewhere along the line Jacob and Paul started smashing but like, Jacob’s not gay. And he immediately gets back with Emma (they met in prison – classic love story) when they kidnap Crazy Serial Killer’s son. Paul is jealous, Emma is annoying, Jacob spends much of the first half of the season looking as if he’s been continuously stubbing his toe for a month.
Paul is really, really, really jealous so he kidnaps a girl as retaliation…? Jacob tries to help her escape because TWIST! He hasn’t killed anyone yet, he just…didn’t want to be a doctor like his Dad wanted him to be. I suppose joining a murderous cult was better than getting a job or something. Anyway, Emma basically abandons them after a run in with Kevin Bacon and Paul gets an infection that’s deadly so Jacob smothers with him a pillow – but not until after they confess their love blah, blah. Oh, and that’s the first person he’s killed, so. Yay for him. It added zero to the plot. Emma kills Jacob after he asks her to run away with him. If only he knew that Emma basically wants to be Mrs Crazy Serial Killer.
This show is a blatant abuser of the bad guy monologue. In between Crazy Serial Killer’s long rambling monologues and Kevin Bacon running after people and not collapsing every five minutes due to his alcoholism/pacemaker combo, there were at least four episodes worth of irrelevant conversation. I honestly exercised my yelling STFU/EYE ROLL combo many, many times. All you need to know is that Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with Kevin Bacon. And Kevin Bacon is obsessed with him. Yawn.
There was also someone called Roderick, who was Crazy Serial Killer’s wingman and sent up a nice mansion for all of Crazy Serial Killer’s fan club. He was a sheriff who made the stupid mistake of beating up Weston, an agent working with Kevin Bacon, and apparently not realising that someone could…recognise his voice. For someone who was supposed to be so smart, it was pretty stupid. He dies.
Anyway. After a completely ridiculous series finale, they think Crazy Serial Killer is dead and then….
We open with the federal prosecutor giving a statement outside court. Apparently Lucious is a dangerous sociopath who shouldn’t be allowed in public. Oh, and she wants to be attorney general. #GOALS You would think that she would pick an easier target than someone that she herself admits is her sociopath – and someone who is overwhelmingly popular, but okay. I’mma let her finish.
Lucious is ready to reclaim his Empire. He makes some grand statement that I didn’t hear but I’m sure it’s the same as the last two and the same as the next three.
Over at Chateau Hakeem, his new girl, Valentina, is looking for her pants even though he has to be on Sway in the Morning. Cookie basically drags his ass out of there. Lil Hakeem’s Sway performance is actually kinda good. Apart from the random shirt grab – bruh this isn’t your music video. Lil H wants to call his group Mirage a Trois…
According to WordPress, I’ve been running this thing since December 2011. My first thought was, OH MY GOD, WHY AM I STILL HERE?! And then I realised that I have made progress of sorts. Through snark, I realised that life is a lot better when you’re not disturbingly infatuated with something.
I can sum it all up easily. Once upon a time, I was obsessed with a TV show that has since outlived its welcome. I started bitching about said show until eventually, it got so bad that it barely held my interest. So, I started bitching about Padajesus and his shenanigans and then eventually, he became so annoying and stupid that he barely holds my interest and now I blog about random shit and, occasionally, spn-related stupidity.
Along the way, I encountered some like-minded individuals, some people who feared for my health and some charming internet-warrior fans. I’ve had some great discussions and more often than not, the comments crack me up. So thank you to anyone who’s ever chimed in on my posts. I appreciate it and you’re all welcome to tell me to shut up. Unless your name begins with an L.
For the next couple of months, I probably won’t be watching the show, but if anyone is interested, I’ll be snarking about other crap (for instance, I just watched the first two episodes of Blood Ties – AY DIOS MIO! Kyle Schmid’s face is the only reason why I’m continuing. It was a travesty. Anyway, expect a post!). I will probably snark about SPN again at some point. Like when it’s renewed for season 12. If that happens, I bet you all a random sock that the last scene of the show will be some kind of dream scenario.
Apparently this is a hate blog (it’s an extreme dislike blog AT BEST!), so here’s to four years of hatin’! *clink*
Anyway results, results, results! Just pretend that it says 2015.