Batman Returns is NOT a good movie

Not too long ago, I watched “Batman” (1989) in full for the first time and I LOVED IT!

It took me a while to get around to the sequel, but I regularly tell people Batman Returns is my favourite Batman movie. Liking it all over again was just a formality, right? How can I not enjoy a movie I saw before I was old enough to understand it?

In my mind, I truly believed I knew what the movie was about, but I’ll be honest I still don’t know what it’s about.

Okay, now THIS I loved!

I sat down to watch it (for the first time in over fifteen years) and it is a hot mess. It’s not even a Batman movie, he just so happens to be there. The most bizarre thing is that it’s completely child inappropriate, but that didn’t register to me as a child. I was just like, YAY BATMAN! EW PENGUIN! YAY CATWOMAN! YAY ALFRED! WAH SOUNDTRACK!

I didn’t remember most of it. There are iconic scenes I did remember (Christopher Walken and Michelle Pfeiffer + window, duh), but that’s to be expected. The entire second hour was a mystery to me. And not a good one. I’ll be honest, it’s a terrible movie. Absolutely terrible. I was staring at my screen wide-eyed wondering how this movie is still considered one of the better Batman movies. The dude is barely in the movie.

Although, I get the sense that was the point. It was a character study of the villains… and it just so happened to have Batman in the background. The problem is that… none of the characters are appealing. Even Bruce Wayne is reduced to simpering mess, ripping off his Batman mask (symbolism? The final act is telling us that actually this was never a Batman movie, this was just the mask this messed up character chose to wear) to tell Selina Kyle that they’re both messed up (see!).

I remember thinking that scene was romantic. He was unmasking himself for her! Now? LOL. Their entire relationship was weird.

Penguin… I absolutely remember Penguin being brought up by penguins from back in the day, but…as an adult… well, it just doesn’t fly. I don’t remember him running for Mayor and being exposed when Bruce Wayne plays a recording of him monologuing about his bad notions. I do not remember his giant duck car (which can ride up stairs!). Or him teaming up with Catwoman to take down Batman.

I vaguely remember Batman being framed. At the time of writing and having seen this movie three days ago, I don’t remember what he was framed for. Something to do with the Batmobile mowing down people? I think they hacked into it and while Batman was inside, they controlled the car.

Everybody knows Batman is supposed to have contingency plans – but maybe not this Batman?

Anyway, this is basically an alternate universe take on Batman. At this point, if you want a true Batman story, you have to do the rest of the movies post-Burton or the animated series. Even Batman Begins (which I love and watched after this, and while it has its flaws, it never tries to be more than what it is).

Keaton is still my favourite Batman, though. Out of all the ones I saw growing up, he’s the one I remember. The one who made me like the character. His suit is cool. His gadgets are cool. His Bruce Wayne is a hot mess, but there’s enough cool to balance things out.

In a weird way, I still consider this to be my favourite Batman movie too. It’s a movie about nothing, but it got me into Batman. I can’t abandon it now! I’m not sure why the general consensus is that this is a good movie, though. Nostalgia? If it was so good, why didn’t Tim Burton do another movie? I’m just saying.

Although, we went from Burton to Joel Schumacher. I don’t think there was any upgrade there, but the Schumacher movies were fun to laugh at the very least. Burton’s were kooky and adventurous, if not an indication that he was uninterested in the source material. Nolan took a darker approach but retained the spirit of Batman. Snyder…I am on record as saying that Keaton is better than Batfleck. I think Zach Snyder’s universe strips away why people like heroes so much in the first place.

We have “The Batman” coming soon featuring Robert Pattinson. It will be dark, gloomy and the fans will love it until they don’t. Just my two cents.

Anyway, this was a lesson in how perception can change when you grow older. And how some things just aren’t timeless. Smallville, to name a superhero adaptation, has that kind of timeless feel to it because we’re seeing the characters over a long period of time – making them seem real and with clear-cut motivations.

Batman Returns fails on that basic level.

There is no story here. We get a back story for Penguin, but it doesn’t help us understand why he wants to kill Batman.

In the end, we’re left with a broken Batman that we never really explore. The better title for this movie would have been Batman Exists (Barely).

Someone came to the same conclusion before I did – most of us haven’t seen the movie for so long we don’t know how bad it is. It’s kind of funny in a way.

This entry from the notes they made says it all:

After Penguin receives a note from Batman stating that his plot was foiled, the movie jumps the shark as Penguin gives a motivating speech to an auditorium full of penguins. Because penguins fucking understand English. Penguin has all of his penguin-troops armed with missiles, and instructs them to go above ground to kill all the children of Gotham. Meanwhile Batman is traveling in his Bat Boat underground in search of Penguin. Trust me, I really am trying to appreciate this movie.

Penguin literally has henchmen penguins in this movie.

Rating: 5/10. I wasn’t quite sure what I was watching, but I made it until the end. I also like Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman a lot, so… it gets extra points for that.

Has anyone seen Batman Returns recently? What did you think of it?

I also want to watch Casper for the first time since the early 2000s but now I’m scared, LOL.

GOTHAM: 2X03, papa don’t preach



Last week: CHAOS.

And the reinvention of the telephone.

This week:

Someoone is thrown out a window….by JIM GORDON? Okay, Jim. Do you. Continue reading “GOTHAM: 2X03, papa don’t preach”

GOTHAM: 2×02, monologues are contagious


LAST WEEK: Crazy shit happened.

Also, I found out that Jim and Lee are booed up and pregnant IN REAL LIFE.

Congrats to them but….


Fuckin’ Hollywood, man. The ick factor just went up.


THIS WEEK: Theo Galavan is saying some shit in a very slow, deep, evil voice, so I’m assuming it’s some deep, evil shit. I didn’t listen because I’m watching this so that I DON’T fall asleep.

Oh, wait isn’t that the old Mayor? Well damn. Or is he the current Mayor? Yeah, he is. Oops. Gotham needs to have character cards or something. I can’t keep track of this shit.

Anyway, Theo is terrorising the Mayor. Oh and Asylum Assemble are throwing people off the Gotham Gazette building. They’re calling themselves ‘MANIAX’.

Points for lack of originality.
Continue reading “GOTHAM: 2×02, monologues are contagious”

the young, restless and the fickle(cki)

So, Ben Affleck was cast as Batman and approximately 3033373930 twitter users made some sort of snarky remark that involved Daredevil, because that movie isn’t 10 years old or anything. Obviously JPad was one of them.

Well, not everyone has a bunch of fans willing to ply them with compliments at all times, Jared. Maybe there’s someone out there who has been waiting with bated breath for Ben Affleck to play another Superhero! It worked for Chris Evans. It almost (but didn’t quite/was never going to) work for Ryan Reynolds.

My favourite part about this tweet were the replies that basically said “Jensen should have been the new Batman!!!”. Talk about Ficklecki! These people can’t even pretend that they wanted Jared to be Batman.

I happen to have the “I’m Batman” scene uploaded on YouTube and predictably, I got a bunch of comments about how Dean would be a better Batman than Affleck. Presumably because

a. Dean Winchester once jokingly inferred that he was in fact, Batman.

b. Dean Winchester is not real and these people live in a fantasy world Batman also is not real.

c. They like to fill my inbox with nonsense. If I had a dollar for every “HE’S NOT BATMAN, HE’S RED HOOD!” comment it’s gotten I would be stinking rich. Like, the quality of season eight ‘stinking’.

I actually think the CW should do a Batman series (because let’s face it, the Flash show they’re planning is going to be shit) and then cast Jensen Ackles as Dean Winchester as Batman. He has the voice!! He has the CHIN!!!!! And he has perky nipples. He is basically well equipped to play Batman. Jared won’t be in this show because nobody needs incestuous Batman/Robin inferences in their life. New Kids On The Block can rework their old song and give us a catchy theme tune titled “You Got It (The Right Chin)“.

In other news, Jared and Jensen are starting up some sort of wine business together which just makes me think of this. (I want a reality show of them starting this up. Possible way to ensure that JP gets screen time: ENSURE THAT HE KEEPS EATING ALL OF THE DAMN GRAPES.) This doesn’t seem like a good idea, unless they’re gonna get someone else (LIKE DA WIVES?!) to run it and just stick Jensen’s face on the bottle. Sorry, Jared. I wouldn’t buy wine with a picture of you and your hair in its current state on it. My liver would be terrified. Or maybe they can all be on the bottles, wives included and have something like this on the label? BUT WITH GRAPES.

Anyway maybe this way Jensen can manufacture his very own manly straws.

In other other news, this whole heavenatus shit is harshing my mellow. I’m pretty sure that I won’t be watching season 9 and I am for all intents and purpose mostly out of the fandom, but there’s still a part of me that thinks I’m being stupid for giving up after eight seasons – I confined myself to this nightmare – I should do the time. WHY IS THIS SHOW IS SO MUCH EASIER TO IGNORE WHEN IT’S ON.

I was always considering bulk-watching and FFing through any silly montages and Dean&Cas/Dean/Anyone I Don’t Know/Crowley/Angels/Felicia Day scenes, and I think I may stick to that.

I should make myself suffer through Teen Wolf or something instead. FOR HOURS ON END.

Yes. Okay. This is my end of the month update. Finale snark is still nowhere in sight. So my whole season 9 issue will probably be forgotten when all the news shows start up. I SUCK. I KNOW.

I will try and keep this blog updated, just in case anyone out there needs my commentary in their lives.

Until next time!