Movie: Airplane vs. Volcano
Year: 2014
Plot: When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing. But when the relentless onslaught of lava and ash causes fear and distrust amongst those onboard, it isn’t just the volcanoes that are life-threatening. Everyone must learn to work together if they are to survive their epic flight of fire.
IMDB rating: 2.6/10
Moment at which I knew there was no coming back from this cinematic travesty:
You are a big bitch
Yes, that is an actual line from the movie. The poster claims that it’s based on a true story but I can’t and won’t even comprehend that, because in a real scenario, the pilot wouldn’t set the plane to autopilot (over a volatile volcano no less) and not leave the override codes anywhere. At least I hope not.
Anyway, basically a volcano erupts just as a commercial plane is flying over. Somehow, the pilot and co-pilot end up indisposed because, you know, it’s more dramatic that way. Unfortunately the plane is stuck on autopilot but off duty pilot, Dean Cain, just happens to be on board to save the day.
Imagine that, Superman vs. Volcano. I’d actually watch that. Twice.
In a real scenario, we wouldn’t have Dean Cain ‘flying’ a plane that was permanently stuck in autopilot. He spends most of the movie in the cockpit steering the plane but… if the plane is on autopilot and the circuits are fried… that’s not possible? I mean, sure he could steer but I don’t know how effective it would be. Yet somehow he could move the plane… Just not enough to move it past the (world’s largest) volcano.
Anyway, not to be outdone, there was also some weird, sketchy foreign guy on the plane that seemed content on letting them all know that they’re going to die. At one point he tries to kidnap Dean Cain mid-air before threatening to kill some guy with a broken glass bottle. He wanted to do all of that because Dean Cain, a marshal and the flight attendant lied about the pilot being dead. I have no idea why this dude was here. I guess the whole HUGE VOLCANO!! thing wasn’t enough plot, we had to have a random villain thrown in for shits and giggles.
Oh, and also on the plane a volcano expert (not a coincidence) who got to say all of the science stuff for us. Yay.
On the ground, we have an angry colonel who seems to be incompetent. He ignores Super Volcano Expert Robin Givens’ warnings and sort of stands around and yells a lot. In a real scenario, the first thing they would do is evacuate people and not wait for a huge gust of volcanic ash to fry a bunch of sunbathers first. But yeah, a bunch of people die before they realise that a volcano erupting is kind of a big deal.
We also have some guy getting sucked into a ball of fire when he exits the plane to unclog an engine. Oh, and having the door open didn’t cause any problems at all DESPITE THE HUGE FIRE BALLS that the plane has barely been dodging up until that point. Okay.
Anyway, somehow, the crazy foreign man manages to kill the marshal (this is after he vanishes for half an hour because they locked him in the toilet and no one needed to use it) and escape from the plane on a raft before getting blown up. Eventually everyone else on the plane is saved while Dean Cain sacrifices himself somehow in order to stop the volcano or whatever. I had no idea by the end, I was just being stubborn and determined to finish it.
I think the worst thing about this movie is Dean Cain. I know that the bills have to get paid, but why? Why? The second worst thing is that it’s far too serious. There’s no wink nudge ha ha this movie is pretty silly, it’s acted like they think they’re in some Scorcese flick. That made it very dull and boring.
Verdict: 0/10.
supernatural snark 