snarkview: The Following (all seasons)

FYI, this show clearly went downhill when they killed off Warren Kole’s character but whatever, let me get into the post. Apologies in advance for any spelling issues, types etc. It’s all Kevin Bacon’s fault. Also this is kind of LONG.

The Following’s first season centers on former FBI agent Ryan Hardy (Kevin Bacon) and his attempts to re-capture serial killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy), following the latter’s escape from prison. Hardy soon discovers that Carroll has surrounded himself with a group of like-minded individuals, whom he met while teaching and while in prison, and turned them into a cult of fanatical killers, including his right-hand, Emma Hill (Valorie Curry). When Carroll’s son, Joey Matthews (Kyle Catlett), is abducted by his father’s followers, Agents Mike Weston (Shawn Ashmore), Debra Parker (Annie Parisse), and the rest of the FBI team discover that it is the first step in Carroll’s wider plan to escape custody, humiliate Hardy, and be reunited with his ex-wife Claire Matthews (Natalie Zea).

The first season of The Following at least had shock value. Crazy serial killer (Joe Carroll) breaks out of jail and kills more people. Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with his own high-school level analysis of Edgar Allen Poe. YAY. TELL-TALE HEART, WHEE!!! His nemesis Kevin Bacon puts him back in jail. He breaks out again due to the cult he’s managed to build up of those weird (yeah, I said it) people who write to prisoners they have no prior affiliation with. Oh, and Crazy Serial Killer has his son kidnapped because he wants to reunite with his wife. The same wife who shacked up with Kevin Bacon. Who put him in jail. Twice. Anyway, yeah…

Season 1 was okay. At the end, Crazy Serial Killer fakes his own death by switching his DNA with his dead half-brother. Oh, and they didn’t know about the dead half-brother. Or they did? I don’t know. It wasn’t very clear.

In the middle of this there’s some bullshit love triangle. Jacob and Paul have been pretending to be gay for X number of years so they could get close to Crazy Serial Killer’s unfinished/business last victim (who was saved by Kevin Bacon). Yeah, Crazy Serial Killer is all about the long con because, you know. Poe. Anyway, somewhere along the line Jacob and Paul started smashing but like, Jacob’s not gay. And he immediately gets back with Emma (they met in prison – classic love story) when they kidnap Crazy Serial Killer’s son. Paul is jealous, Emma is annoying, Jacob spends much of the first half of the season looking as if he’s been continuously stubbing his toe for a month.

Paul is really, really, really jealous so he kidnaps a girl as retaliation…? Jacob tries to help her escape because TWIST! He hasn’t killed anyone yet, he just…didn’t want to be a doctor like his Dad wanted him to be. I suppose joining a murderous cult was better than getting a job or something. Anyway, Emma basically abandons them after a run in with Kevin Bacon and Paul gets an infection that’s deadly so Jacob smothers with him a pillow – but not until after they confess their love blah, blah. Oh, and that’s the first person he’s killed, so. Yay for him. It added zero to the plot. Emma kills Jacob after he asks her to run away with him. If only he knew that Emma basically wants to be Mrs Crazy Serial Killer.

This show is a blatant abuser of the bad guy monologue. In between Crazy Serial Killer’s long rambling monologues and Kevin Bacon running after people and not collapsing every five minutes due to his alcoholism/pacemaker combo, there were at least four episodes worth of irrelevant conversation. I honestly exercised my yelling STFU/EYE ROLL combo many, many times. All you need to know is that Crazy Serial Killer is obsessed with Kevin Bacon. And Kevin Bacon is obsessed with him. Yawn.

 

thefollowing_long
and you could have it all

 

There was also someone called Roderick, who was Crazy Serial Killer’s wingman and sent up a nice mansion for all of Crazy Serial Killer’s fan club. He was a sheriff who made the stupid mistake of beating up Weston, an agent working with Kevin Bacon, and apparently not realising that someone could…recognise his voice. For someone who was supposed to be so smart, it was pretty stupid. He dies.

Anyway.  After a completely ridiculous series finale, they think Crazy Serial Killer is dead and then….

Continue reading “snarkview: The Following (all seasons)”

Really…

I’m back. Kind of.

AND IN MY ABSENCE FOX CANCELLED ALMOST HUMAN!!!!!

anigif_enhanced-900-1398709118-5
(thanks to Jeff for reacquainting me with this gif!)

 

My reaction was not as controlled as that. I probably flared my nostrils and shit and like, bitched out a single tear. Anyway. It’s a shame but I will move on.

The CW also managed to air the Supernatural spin-off, realise it was a piece of garbage and subsequently dispose of it.

From what I saw (on one random article on one random site because I’ve been extremely out of the loop for the last two months) Supernatural fans didn’t like it because a. it was cheesy and b. Sam and Dean were only in it for fifteen minutes and c. The characters were lame and morally corrupt etc.

That sounds just like a normal episode of Supernatural to me. LOL. I didn’t realise that the fans were so picky.

Anyway, apparently the Supernatural finale has aired already? I don’t even know where to start from. Last I knew I had posted non-snark about an episode I didn’t watch, so I guess I’ll take it from there. Or not. I don’t know.

SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

 

Dang.

So I watched this week’s Almost Human and it wasn’t great. I am not sure if that was the intended airing order of the episode but it just felt really flat. In all honesty, I did actually miss a huge chunk of it. I fell asleep and woke up and some guy with bandages on his face was having a Romeo/Juliet moment with some blind chick that he’d been stalking/talking to her online because…he wanted her or something, so maybe it was a good and I just don’t know it yet but

WHERE THE HELL WAS THE BUILD UP TOWARDS THE FINALE? Like, if this show ends on a cliffhanger and doesn’t ever comeback I’m going to destroy something. Possibly one of my Supernatural magazines. I will take a hammer to it. Or scissors. I’ll nail it to a wall and then attack it with scissors.

In other news, SPN recap will be posted over the weekend. It’ll probably be short (I’ve gone and jinxed it now!) because I had deadlines to meet etc, but we’ll see.

Vomitous comment of the week goes to the person on my Twitter waxing lyrically about how they can’t quit SPN because it’ll make them less crazy or something. Yawn. Come up with something new. Like, you can’t quit Supernatural because IT’S THE JUICE THAT KEEPS ALL OF YOUR ORGANS RUNNING. You need it to live!

I really need to stop adding random ‘Like’s to my sentences.

Why would anyone want a smarthouse?

On Almost Human last night, the plot was smarthomes (I am surprised that they weren’t called iHouses) turning on their owners and killing them. The whole point was that the smarthouse provided extra security (in the form of a security guard with Cruella-de-Ville-esque hair – which would scare the fuck out of me, so I guess that makes sense). But the way it did this was very odd. Intruders were shot by a lasers. How many stray dogs would my smarthouse kill? Though I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog on Almost Human, so possibly they all have RoboPets in 2048? Anyway, seeing has how all technology can be hacked, it would be pretty stupid to have smarthouse when the guy who you called an asshole could pay some hacker $100 (or whatever hackers going rates are) to basically end your life in a few seconds. Why not going for a smartweapon? Huh? Like, say the smartbat. Or smartremote. Or hell, smartfrontlawn/smartgarden – the bad guys wouldn’t even make it in. I’m sure a smarthouse does all kinds of other stuff but surely companies would make more money through creating all kinds of smartshit. Smartbricks, smartchair. Smarttoilet. And then combine them all together and call it a SuperSmartHouse?

Smartness aside, the episode was great.

Anyway.  I really wish that Sam and Dean’s house had smarthouse that would inevitably turn on them and kill them. But no, instead Supernatural’s been renewed for a 10th season.

tumblr_mvik3sljd41s8l4eao1_500
Yes, Dean. You’re going to live to cry (and possibly die, be betrayed by Sam and come back) another day.