(POTENTIALLY) BAD MOVIETHON
…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score
#1 POINT BREAK [REMAKE]
SUMMARY: A young FBI agent infiltrates an extraordinary team of extreme sports athletes he suspects of masterminding a string of unprecedented, sophisticated corporate heists.
WHY I’M WATCHING IT: You know when you watch a trailer and you’re just mystified by what you’re seeing and at the same time, it looks really bright and sunny and PRETTY! And then you finally process it and your reaction is WOW. Just wow. Yeah, that was mine when watching the PB remake trailer. Followed by WHY? And then, ‘Yeah, I don’t think too many people are going to pay to sit through this shit…’
…and according to Wikipedia:
The film received negative reviews from critics and was a box office flop, only making $28 million domestically from a $105 million budget.
What a surprise.
Still, I wasn’t expecting it to be ‘number 1 on the first ‘Bad Movies 2015′ article I clicked’ bad.
At the start, these two guys are on some bikes and on top of some kind of mountain terrain type thing. I don’t know. I’m not great at Geography. They do their extreme cross-country bike stunt thing and WOOOOO THEY MAKE IT AND — no, actually, they half make it. The non-model pretty, non-blond dies. It was probably not as dramatic as they were going for but…okay. The pretty, blond one (Utah) now has an excuse for his presumably ~rough exterior for the duration of the movie.
Seven years later, WOO WOO, THAT’S THE SOUND OF DA POLICE. Utah is now working with the FBI. There’s some gruff muttering about how his name is now Brigham and that Utah’s a name that his classmates got from YouTube. Apparently a group are pulling off a series of outlandish heists and escaping via parachute. This has never been done before!! It’s UNPRECEDENTED!
Not really, movie, but I’ll let you finish.
Somehow Utah connects an incident that occurs in Mexico (a money carrying plane is hijacked) with two others. Apparently this gang are attempting something called the Ozaki Eight. There are eight ‘ordeals’ that these extreme sports-thiefs are using to pull off the heists, which aren’t about money but ‘spiritual enlightenment’
I don’t even remember the original all that well, but….
Utah goes undercover to infiltrate the gang, I guess. All it takes is a speech to convince his boss that a provisional FBI agent is the best chance they have at solving the case. YAY! He goes off to France and meets up with Ray Winstone.
/cue lots of pretty shots of water and pretty people in swimwear!!! Oh and SURFING!!!!
You know how I thought Utah would have a ~rough exterior? It’s less rough and more wooden, but in his defense, if I had to read from this script, I’d probably sound like I was reading from a Geography textbook too.
Anyway, in France, Utah immediately hops on a surfboard and attempts to surf this monster wave that looks like something right out of SyFy’s CGI cupboard. He gets in the way of this other guy who was surfing the same wave. This is all narrated by a bunch of people on a ferry which I’d normally mock – but actually, it was pretty helpful. I probably shouldn’t be chuckling as Utah almost-drowns but damn. Almost dying would be on the bottom of the list of options I’d pick from when it comes to potentially infiltrating a gang of crazy heist people but that’s just me.
Utah is saved by the guy whose surf he ruined – Bodhi. And after some talking that I didn’t listen to, we’re transformed to a party! There’s some really stilted conversation and eventually Utah meets a girl called Samsara. He compliments her on her surfing and she says something along the lines of “I love the sea. It’s power.”
Yeah…of course it is. Powerful Sea Girl jumps into the water and Utah follows her and there’s a nauseating sequence where they swim together.
I have hearts in my eyes here. Really.
Following that, Utah gatecrashes some kind of meeting in Paris and participates in an initiation fight (while shirtless because!!!). After that he and Bodhi have a really deep conversation about super deep stuff, man.
Anyway, to borrow again from Wikipedia (because I’m nodding off here and am suspending my recap, or to put it more bluntly, I’ve reached my breaking point):
Note: The ~rough exterior does pop up again! And Bodhi is all like, ‘Yeah, that guy died at the beginning of the movie but it was his choice’…..NO IT WASN’T! And you weren’t even there Bodhi so how about you shut the fuck up.
If I sound irrationally angry at a fictional character, it’s because he spent most of the movie speaking in fortune cookie phrases.
VERDICT: DID NOT FINISH
The internet was right. This movie is baaaaad, and not in a ‘so bad it’s good’ kinda way. It’s just, bad, bad, bad and worse. Unless you want to see lots of pretty extreme sports scenes – avoid at all costs.
COMING NEXT: R.I.P.D – I feel like most of Ryan Reynold’s movies pre-Deadpool could take up my entire moviethon.