snarkview: Hit The Floor, seasons 1-3 (VH1), part two

This is longer than intended so I need at least one person to read all of it. You’ll get a prize!

The series follows Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige), the talented yet naive daughter of single mom Sloane Hayes (Kimberly Elise). She joins the NBA cheerleading/dance team called the Los Angeles Devil Girls. She quickly discovers that her mother lied and kept secrets involving life as a Devil Girl herself. Unsure whom to trust, Ahsha must navigate her own way through the dangerous and temptation-filled world of pro basketball. Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) tries to lure Ahsha away from her boyfriend, German Vega (Jonathan McDaniel). The more she resists his advances, the more persistent [and tempting] he becomes as German’s insecurity overwhelms him. Ahsha’s teammate, Kyle Hart (Katherine Bailess), tries to bring him to his senses and reveals her own agenda as she explains how the world works and how she’s making that world work for her. Ahsha’s father, Pete Davenport (Dean Cain), knows firsthand how difficult that life can be as a former all-star player for the Devils. He becomes the new head coach and discovers that his past is even more complicated than he thought. Players and dancers are forbidden to date, which only makes breaking the rules more tempting as history seems to repeat itself. Devil Girls’ team captain, Jelena Howard (Logan Browning) is dating player Terrence Wall (Robert Christopher Riley) flouting the rules as the classic “mean girl” trying to keep Ahsha off balance because she sees her as a threat

Oh, where do I start! I’ve been joking that I could just post this with a blank page and it would make no difference but that’s mean and incorrect. This show has an abundance of plot. It’s just that most of it was… well, let’s get into it.

First of all, this is one of those shows where I’m instantly hardwired to dislike the main character. The actress is fine (for VH1, lol) but the character is just, well talented but naive is an understatement. She’s just stupid and annoying.

I love you, stupid

Season 3 sees Raquel now married to Kyle for green card purposes (this is after Kyle spends all of season two ripping people off so she can get her divorce papers from some loan shark, but okay).

Oscar is in jail due to Sloane handing in a recording that incriminates him in a murder case.

Lionel is running the team but… Jelena and Terrence are trying to buy it from her. Or the League are forcing a sale. I have no fucking clue.

Anyway, also, Zero and Jude get back together, go public and they’re very cute, but oddly (haha, well, sort of) disconnected from all of the other characters bar Lionel and Jelena. It was like having a show within a show. On one hand, it’s good because they seem to be the only characters living on Earth and having normal interactions, on the other, it mean that they had little screen time. Ruuuuude

Also:

• Zero manages to come out with no fanfare?
• An NBA starter kisses a guy live on TV and apart from a few reporters the main reaction is meh.
• It’s just, oh, hey the press are all over me and dammit, my masseuse is taking pictures of me and you know what, bathtub Instagram picture with my boyfriend, woo! And he gets a ton of endorsements.
• There’s only one or two passing comments from the rest of the main cast. It was weird really, especially because towards the end Jude/Zero were the only reason why I was watching.

Anyway!

At some point, Sloane is arrested for Olivia’s murder. Basically she was kidnapped, coerced into writing a fake suicide letter that was later used as an admission. Before that she goes into protective custody but ends up with corrupt cops that are working for Oscar. They try to frame her for the murder – after she openly admits that she could have killed Olivia LOL – in order to discredit her as a witness for Oscar’s upcoming trial. Eventually she manages to get bail and and declares that she’s going to solve Olivia’s murder. In fact, her lawyer brings over the case file. I was greatly amused by that. The magic highlighter returns!

German eventually confesses to the murder because Ahsha cheats on him again and he’s like, you know what, YOLO, my girl is gone, her moms is in jail for what I did, I’m spun out and can’t handle the guilt, so I’m going to confess and offer no motive. 

No motive? JUST TELL EVERYONE SHE RIGGED THE VOTE DAMMIT.

Eventually Oscar is released from prison, because somehow Jude manages to track down the one witness who could recant his words (why isn’t he working for the FBI!) and Lionel uses that to get him out when she feels as though her position is being threatened. Her logic astounds me. You cut this guy off from his team, sold his billion dollar arena development and now you expect him to come out of jail and help you?

Girl, bye.

Ahsha and Derek get back together, Jelena and Terrence break up again (after some fake baby mama drama). Jelena tries to solve her daddy issues, etc. Jelena also manages to buy the team from under Oscar’s nose, but cuts Terrence out of the deal because he said to her that they don’t need to have trust in their relationship. Welp, T, famous last words.

Things pick up towards the end, when German is quickly (within two days of his arrest LMAOOOOOO) sentenced to twenty years in prison before being stabbed by Chase Vincent in court. Metal detectors, anyone? Anyway, while in hospital, he begs Derek to hand him some scissors so he can kill himself. Derek refuses.

Also in hospital is Raquel, who found out she had a heart condition when she was a Devil Girl again for five minutes. Now, she’s on the verge of death, and she feels bad for German so she confesses to Olivia’s murder. Thus exonerating German.

Look. That’s not how it works. Even if it did, German plead guilty. I guess perjury doesn’t count when you self incriminate yourself, lol!

Also, she has a six year old son who’s father is a shitbag and now she’s dead. So, he’s got no one and everyone thinks his mother is a murderer…. Alright…

Lionel tries to commit suicide in order to get away from Oscar who now wants her to be his wife in every way possible. Pete catches up with her before she can do anything and they end up trapped in a room full of carbon monoxide.

Back in Zudeville, after trashing the house he grew up in, finding his sister and deciding to leave her alone, Zero buys said house. I didn’t really get that, but whatever, he puts it under both their names. Aww. Misery then strikes in the form of Jelena (who Zero may or may not have antagonized by revealing that she and Terrence were trying to buy the team), who trades Zero just hours after he buys that house. There’s a very dramatic moment where Zero smashes a poster of her and dun dun dun, sometime later Jelena is shot.

Verdict: 7/10. It’s entertaining and that’s all I ask for. LOL. Still, this really was writing on LSD. 99% of the season made little sense. Also why was there barely any Zero or Jude? I’ll admit that I went through the whole season without knowing Jude’s name, but still.

Timing is everything

Even though, the show was technically never cancelled, they were given a summer special which more or less wrapped everything up nicely.

There’s a whodunit in terms of who shot Jelena, but given that Sloane, Pete and German were the only people who knew where the gun was, it was obvious that it was Sloane. Her reasoning was stupid, but you know, that’s Hit The Floor for ya.

Some crackpot cop goes around sleuthing and asking really dumb questions, before eventually vanishing into thin air.

Still, Zero thinks it was Jude and comes up with a new story for them to tell the police, which was sweet but uh… Wouldn’t that just cause even more suspicion? LOL. Bruh, you gotta be smarter than that.

Anyway, Jelena threatens to bench Zero now that his transfer hasn’t gone through.

Pete accuses Oscar of trying to kill Lionel, and she uses that to get Oscar to grant her a divorce and tells him to leave Jude alone.

Ahsha and Derek get married, and Jude catches the bouquet, which comes after he and Zero declare that they’re the greatest things to ever happen to each other (the cheese factor was at an ultimate high).
Jelena figures out that Sloane shot her and agrees to let Derek transfer to Miami, if only so that she doesn’t end up dead next time. And to get rid of Ahsha.

H

Jelena seems to warm up (she’s been set to ice cold since season 1 so this is significant) and agrees to look after Miguel, Raquel’s son, who’s back in town because his father sent him back. That boy has no chance in life. Can someone set him free from Jelena? I can just imagine her making him part of her J-Squad and carrying out random acts of bitchiness.

After the wedding and Derek and Ahsha’s departure, Jelena more or less makes Zero captain, Jude gets to remain as EVP and….

Everyone lives happily ever after!

Despite the snark, I actually kind of enjoyed the show. It’s an easy watch and good way to pass time.

I’m surprised that it’s coming back because I think it wrapped up quite nicely, but we’ll see how it goes.

I am also surprised that I managed to remember so much before I rewatched it.

My poor brain needs a break now.