Mama Said Knock You Out


So, the results are all counted and…

The 2017 general election has resulted in a hung parliament.

People were surprised but anyone with low expectations was over the moon.

Jeremy Corbyn was rightly pleased with his performance. Labour did way better than anyone expected them to. And they were clever about it. They basically got the young to vote. I saw a theory that this was all about the forgotten voice of the Remainers, and maybe it was. After all there’s 48% of them and Theresa May has spent the past year calling them bitter losers.

A hugely strengthened Jeremy Corbyn has been praised by friend and foe alike, after his stunning success in denying Theresa May a Commons majority.

The Labour leader was hailed by everybody from trade union leaders and a Hollywood star to former Blairite giants Peter Mandelson and David Miliband.

One exiled Labour rising star, Chuka Umunna, said he would like to return to the shadow cabinet, admitting he had changed his mind about Mr Corbyn, because of the election result.

Jeremy Corbyn isn’t in the best position on Brexit, but given that he survived a leadership contest, criticism from his own party members, multiple resignations, end to end negative coverage from the media (many of which conceded that they were wrong to judge him harshly), false accusations, I think it’s safe to say that he won the most.

In the poetic words of LL Cool J…

Don’t call it a comeback, I been here for years
Rocking my peers and putting suckas in fear
Making the tears rain down like a monsoon
Listen to the bass go boom
Explosion, overpowering
Over the competition, I’m towering
Wrecking shop, when I drop
These lyrics that’ll make you call the cops
Don’t you dare stare, you better move
Don’t ever compare
Me to the rest that’ll all get sliced and diced
Competition’s paying the price

Listen to the bass go boom, indeed.

Anyway, most of my thoughts while I tuned into the last few hours of the count was that Theresa May would go. I wanted her resignation the way I usually want cake. Badly. Desperately.

Obviously it didn’t happen, which leads me into….

To go back to the beginning, there are 650 seats or something in the UK government. Each seat represent a constituency, so for example, Theresa May’s constituency is Maidenhead, which she won. Although, she was up against Lord Buckethead

Lord Buckethead describes himself as an “intergalactic space lord, running to be an independent Member of Parliament for Maidenhead”. “[I] enjoy planet-conquering, dominating inferior species, and Lovejoy,” he said.

….and Elmo. What can I say, it was a close race (not really).

Mr Fishfinger also gets an honourable mention.

Anyway, they needed 326 seats to have a majority (which they already had before!). They only got 318, hence the hung parliament. It’s being seen as a huge blow because the whole point was so she could be all like, ‘FUCK YEAH, BREXIT!’ without anyone having a day.

That went balls up because they’re on shakier ground and it’s all their fault. Poetic justice doesn’t really sum it up. So I was all happy about that, and I went to sleep hoping that Tee-Tee would get her P45 in the morning.

I woke up up to something even more horrific.

Some kind of informal issue-by-issue coalition deal with DUP.

I’ll be honest, I’d never heard of the DUP. When I think of Northern Ireland, I think of Sinn Fein, but alright. I did the research and…

The Democratic Unionist Party are the anti-abortion pro Brexit party of climate change deniers who don’t believe in LGBT rights who Theresa May needs to prop up her failing governement.

Based in Northern Ireland they are the fifth largest party in Westminster with 10 seats

From this article in the Mirror, the DUP are:

  • anti-abortion
  • Climate change deniers
  • Former terrorists — the terrorist group Ulster Resistance was founded by a collection of people who went on to be prominent DUP politicians.
  • They controversially oppose same sex marriage and have limited enthusiasm for LBGT rights.

Who’s the terrorist sympathiser now?

Anyway, complete and utter lunacy aside, Northern Ireland don’t actually have a government right now. Sinn Fein and the DUP had some sort of agreement to co-exist. At least until a huge energy scandal broke out and Sinn Fein were like, ‘well, we’re not messing with you until you change some shit up’.

Guess who’s supposed to be mediating that particular debacle?

Per Alistair Campbell:

She is playing fast and loose, on Brexit, on Margaret Thatcher’s greatest achievement the single market and now Tony Blair and Gordon Brown’s greatest achievement which is the peace in Northern Ireland.

“She is putting that at risk with a sordid, dangerous distasteful deal.

“We have a situation in the Northern Ireland right now where there has been a political crisis where the Government is the mediator with theIrish government between the DUP and Sinn Fein.

“How can our government be the mediator when the DUP are going to be part of our government?”

Siiiiigh.

Meanwhile, in the US….

…the boy who cried wolf.

I am all Comey’d out at the moment but the hearing was an interesting watch.

Have a good weekend, snarklings!

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