I wanted to go for an eye-catching title for this post and this one was the most appropriate!
I know that I said I wouldn’t recap all of the Vancouver Housewives episodes? Apparently I lied! Here they are. Enjoy.
snarkview: real housewives of vancouver season 1, eps 2-3
These women are still are crazy as I remembered them to be. Especially Jody, the ‘Queen of England’ (she loves to wear tiaras for some reason).
Christina is turning 30, even though she looks like she reached that point a while ago. She jokes about hiring casting agents to find guests for her party. Oh, honey, the production company have done that already. She really doesn’t want a party but the Party Gods (producers) are probably forcing her too. Apparently Jody is a bully (she kinda is) who called her a whore etc. She’s mad about that.
Meanwhile, Jody is watching a showcase of J Brand. According to Jody, the tiny model advertising the clothes has a ‘bum the size of a tea cup‘. She actually tells the girl to eat something. Oh goodness.
Mary tells Ronnie that Jody was mean to her. Ronnie agrees BUT she wanted Mary to hear it. With frenemies like this… who needs…well, anyway. Mary is still clueless, tho, so I’mma let them finish.
Mary gets a puppy. She goes for a handbag puppy instead of a Rottweiler called Jody.
Jody on Mary:
Don’t buy shoes, don’t buy a handbag, go see a shrink.
Reiko tells Mia and Jody that Mary will be studying for her medical degree online. LOL. Mary stays taking Ls. I don’t even know if that’s true or not. It’s never brought up again.
Christina and Mary bond over the fact that they’re being bullied by Jody.
Ronnie claims that ‘if she’s a junkie, she’s a vitamin junkie‘. And wine, Ronnie. We can’t forget Vitamin Wine.
At some point, Jody is shopping with Hannah, that’s her youngest daughter/potential granddaughter. Yawn.
Christina’s BFF Kevin gets her Botox for her birthday. Apparently, it makes you look less troubled. No, it makes you look FROZEN. And not in a good way. This cast are a walking advertisement for how not to do plastic surgery.
Reiko invites Christina to the spa but Christina is a no show. There’s no call, no text. How dramatic. In the next scene, Ronnie is meeting Christina for dinner. She waits for half an hour, calls and calls (she’s on her third glass of wine already!). Anyway, Christina doesn’t turn up. She’s probably trying to regain sensation in her face.
In the next, next scene, Christina was a no show at her dress fitting and now her BFF and party planner are waiting to meet her for drinks. She doesn’t show up to that either. The party planner wants to call her but BFF is like, ‘I wouldn’t because it’s like you’re nudging her!” …well, maybe she shouldn’t blank people then? They’re worried that Christina won’t show up to the party. LMAO. What you don’t know is that the producers strapped her to her make up chair so they could increase the drama (I’m joking but you never know).
The party planner gets a whole unnecessary segment because Christina went AWOL and the producers were probably low on material.
Mary has decided to confront Jody. She makes the fatal RH mistake of telling Ronnie and asking her if she’s going to have her back. Look, Mary, Ronnie is going to have wine and then it’s all downhill from there. She should have done what the other housewives do and bring a random friend that we can all forget about after the episode. Like Ronnie who’s bringing her niece. Oh, wait, it’s ‘niece’ in quotation marks. That’s odd.
Jody, being Jody, is wearing a tiara to Christina’s birthday party. Apparently, she’s not a princess, she’s a “Queen”. The Queen of Make Believe perhaps. Anyway, Mary comes along and manages to get herself insulted all over again. At one point Jody says, “suck it up, Buttercup. Get a therapist.”
Mary is speechless.
Meanwhile, BFF is now calling Christina (I thought it was NUDGING!!!) and panicking because he hasn’t heard from her all day. Everyone is at the party wondering where she is but it looks like BFF pulled it off because she turns up an hour and a half late! Everyone is complimentary about her dress. Even Jody!
Jody: I thought she looked beautiful….from a distance.
A half compliment totally counts.
Christina’s reason for bailing on everyone that she was feeling insecure. Aww.
To help matters, her gifts include: a ‘i ❤ boys’ hat and a Fortune 500 magazine, so that she can shop for her next husband and a ‘golddigger’ t-shirt that says ‘like a hooker only smarter’.
Ronnie then falls through a hole in her chair and moves us past that awkward segment.
Christina tries to confront Jody but ends up telling her that it’s hard to live up to her. Jody, in true form, tells her to get a therapist. Jody then leaves the party and it all goes to shit. They all claim it got really funny but…embarrassing is the word I’d use. Christina decides to model the gold-digger shirt in her underwear and doesn’t seem to care that she’s being filmed. Both by the show and the guests.
The next morning, Christina is remembering all of the embarrassing things she got up to at her party. By remembering, I mean that she’s hungover and it’s not a good look.
Next, Jody is hitting up the spa with Reiko. Reiko isn’t a spa person…even though she had a spa date with Christina (who albeit didn’t turn up) in the last episode. Anyway, Jody and Reiko get their… whale sperm facials.
Jody: You’ll recognise the texture.
Jody ain’t shit for that comment.
Reiko: How is whale sperm obtained and why?
Well, the why is on your face and the how is something that nobody needs to know.
Christina is at lunch with the party planner and talking about how she didn’t mean anything she said to Jody. Suuuuuure.
Anyway, Mary has a line of scarves with her business partner (who helped her on her first and extremely questionable music video). Ronnie decides to show up and is nice enough to text them and let them know that she’s ‘pretty buzzed‘. Ronnie tells us that she can easily drink two bottles of wine, let alone two glasses. We know Ronnie. We know. Anyway, Ronnie can barely get a word out past the slurring and messing around. She’s talking about boobs and whatnot.
Ronnie says she loves the scarves, but Mary feels like she’s being insincere. Well, whatever gave you that idea Mary? Mary wants Ronnie to take it seriously, but a scarf is a scarf really. I’m with Ronnie on this one.
Mary meets up with Christina and tells her that Ronnie said that Mary didn’t have her back. She thinks that Mary should have stopped her from drinking, and she tells Mary to go and ‘eff herself’. Via text.
Meanwhile, Ronnie is showing her sons pictures of Christina in her hooker t-shirt and underwear. Her sons are asking her if Christina is okay with her sending the pictures on and Ronnie confidently says that Christina won’t care. You know, when your young sons question whether you should forward on a picture of your friend in her underwear, something should happen in your brain to make you think, but…I guess not. Drama and all that.
Reiko asks her cosmetic surgeon about how getting Botox will affect her martial arts or the other way around. She said that she doesn’t want to look fake…Too late, but her idea of fake might be different from mine.
Back with Jody, and her daughter Mia wants to go back to London and also party in Ibiza. This is despite the fact that they’re doing renovations on their store….yaaaawn.
Ronnie has a personal trainer that was once the guard for the Queen of England. He also…literally pours water into Ronnie’s mouth. That’s weird, right? Please tell me that’s weird.
Jody cancels Mia’s ticket by pretending to be her on the phone. *dead* they have a really weird and boring conversation that consists of Jody forcibly extracting an apology from Mia. Yaaaawn.
Ronnie’s disgustingly pretty house is going to be knocked down to build a 15,000 sq foot mansion that will also be disgustingly pretty. Ugh. Rich people.
There’s something about Christina and a horse….
WHERE’S THE DRAMAAAAAA.
Jody thinks that Ronnie needs to divorce Mary. And then they decide to try and take Christina under their wing. Ronnie isn’t sure if she has the time because she’s a mother of five. Okay, Ronnie, we appreciate your service. I’m sure your house help is invisible.
Anyway, Jody meets Christina. She’s in her Prada slippers because she was working from home and she has terrible fashion sense. She calls Christina pathetic for prancing around in her underwear. Christina says, “what about your daughter?”
Oh, shit. Never go for the kids.
Jody: Don’t ever mention my daughter. I will sue your ass. It will be on fire.
They go back and forth
Jody: who do you think sent the picture
Christina: probably you
Jody: I wasn’t there, what are you stupid?
At this point, Christina has run out of steam and feebly yells ‘I hate your fucking slippers!’ as Jody is sashaying out of the restaurant.
Oh honey, no. That’s an F- in comebacks. .
I’ll list these here again, lol.