snarkview: the real housewives of vancouver | season 1, episode 1

Due to forseen circumstances (the world going to shit, Trump disrupting world peace), I have decided to reintroduce the Real Housewives back into my life.

You know how there are shows so bad that you never forget them? That show for me is Real Housewives of Vancouver. This show is absolutely awful but…so entertaining. I remember accidentally using up all of my mobile data on the train because I was so hooked (in those days, I didn’t play with my internet! And my network provider wouldn’t let me buy anymore for the rest of the month 😢.)

I don’t think I even truly enjoyed it towards the end because it became so bad, but it was TV gold. I devoured each episode like I was getting paid to watch them.

This show is what quashed the Canadians are nice stereotype for me. Enough of that noise. They’re just as awful as the rest of us!

Anyway, I decided to rewatch the first episode and I thought I’d recap. I was going to do all the episodes, but I love myself too much.

~

First up we have Jody who loves to work instead of living a life of luxury, because the fact that she does both seems to have escaped her. She has a store called The Glasshouse (the irony!). She has kids but the most important one for us to know is Mia, her twenty four year old crazy daughter. She calls Jody by her name which is weird to me. If I tried that I would…well, I wouldn’t even try it. Jody is also a cook and she’s designing a cookbook just in time for the launch of this new reality show she’s found herself on. Yay!

The drama starts with Mary being invited to Whistler by Jody in our classic ‘long lost frenemy’ RH schtick. Mary is a single mother/former beauty pageant contestant/Canadian pop star/American. Mary basically ends up taking Ls for two seasons straight. Why she signed up for the second season is beyond me. Anyway, she’s unlucky in love! Woe. Instead of keeping this to herself, the first thing she does is reveal that she slept with her on/off boyfriend even though he has a girlfriend. She doesn’t find the sympathy that she’s after but hey, we live in a tough world.

Ronnie is…well all I remember is that she is always drinking wine. She’s Mary’s ‘best friend’. Classic RH friendship drama set up. Anyway, Ronnie has five kids and shops a lot. And drinks wine. That’s about it. Oh and she’s an example of what happens when you have too much filler and Botox, but… That’s hardly a new thing for these housewives.

Next we have Reiko who is “rich” and a gym freak. She’s another ‘good friend’ of Jody’s. If any of these women are friends, I’m freaking Cinderella. Anyway, Reiko has a lot of cars and she just happens to be getting to get her 458 Italia to add to her ridiculous car collection. She grew up in a rough suburb and didn’t go back after she left (surprise). What she never tells is us that her husband was some kind of Canadian mafia dude who lied about who he was and changed his name so that no one would realise that he was tried for murder. NGL, her house is nice, though. Apparently Reiko wanted to be a lawyer, went to school and everything, but found a rich husband instead of a job. #goals

Next we have Christina whose primary source of income is “two divorces”. Apparently she was married to two irritating men and she worked hard for every penny. Lol, well, whatever works for her! She often goes for ‘drunches’ with her gay BFF. She only dates rich men, blah, blah, blah. Christina isn’t all bad but her opening scene is obnoxious as fuck.

Onto the Whistler trip, Jody is organising all of the food. These women won’t eat most of it, but you know, Jody has a cookbook to sell/promote. The alcohol will go quickly, though, because draama.
Christina shows up and informs us that Jody is wearing a ‘blanket type thing’ (she’s right tbh). Jody’s impression of her is equally as unflattering.

At the gathering, confusion arises because Jody is calling the Chef, ‘Chef’. I…anyway, none of them eat much because they had reservations somewhere else. Uhm, so why did Jody make up that spread?! Did she really just waste all of that food just so it would get camera time? Poor Chef!

The bartender at the restaurant offers them “Trophy Wife” cocktails, unprompted. I see the shade, brother. The conversation takes an unusual turn when Mary starts talking about a cow that was looking at her. Ronnie, her best friend, starts whispering about her in Reiko’s ear. That’s the classic establishing the Mean Girl scene. Out of nowhere Ronnie tells everyone that she feels terrible about Mary’s breakup. I should note that Ronnie has wine.

After Mary’s thing, the conversation turns to Christina dating one of Ronnie’s exes when she (Christina) was about 15/16. The women are dismayed. To quote Jody, “This isn’t Thailand“. She’s dead wrong for that comment, lol!

The next morning, Ronnie says that having dinner with Jody was like having dinner with the Queen of England. And Christina apparently has some tension with the aforementioned Crazy Mia. I think she called her a backstabbing bitch? So joining a show with her mother makes perfect sense.

Christina says that the air in Whistler smells so fresh and that she isn’t used to it, promoting Jody to say, “You don’t get out of the bedroom much? We could write a novel!”

Jody then tells Mary that she needs to love herself. Ronnie refuses to step in because she’s done fighting Mary’s battles (even though she brought up Mary’s relationship in the first place!) and watches on with a HUGE smile on her face. Jody rags on Mary and tells her to be strong because she’s ‘almost fifty’. Everyone just sits there awkwardly apart from Christina who leaves.

Coming up: more nonsense. I’m not sure if this is the season where they argued about a vintage Hermes bag being used but I’ll keep you posted, lol.