Bad Moviethon #4: The Perfect Match


(POTENTIALLY)

BAD MOVIE MARATHON #4

…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score

[Previous movie]

The Perfect Match | 2016 | imdb

Summary: A playboy named Charlie, convinced that all his relationships are dead, meets the beautiful and mysterious Eva. Agreeing to a casual affair, Charlie then wants a bit more from their relationship.

Rotten tomatoes rating: 27%
Review snippet: “The Perfect Match” is a romantic comedy by default, and mostly everyone involved is asleep at the wheel.


I know I said it would be Batman and Robin but…I had to do this. Technically, I watched this movie for fun, but damn. Damn. I have so many questions. Who wrote the script? Who cast Cassie? Who cast French Montana as himself? Who failed to make sure that French Montana was audible? It’s bad enough that he’s wearing shades indoors and standing around like he’s not sure where the camera is but damn. They could have at least provided subtitles. And Paula Patton. She seemed like she was a on a… sugar high for much of the movie. It wasn’t a good look at all. What else? 

Yeah, the sex scenes. Look, I get it, this was a chick lit romcom kinda deal (I guess?) and apparently females are into unrealistic sex scenes coupled with slow, romantic ballads. Deviating from that template should better the scenes not make them painfully awful to endure. This movie had bizarre close up shots and filters. PSYCHEDELIC FILTERS. Almost like the colour was supposed to scream: baby tonight, the filter got us falling in love again. It was so bad. All that was missing was a painful voiceover clinically detailing every nanosecond.

Anyway, opening rant aside, the plot was basically this:

  • Playboy lothario doesn’t believe in relationships
  • Playboy lothario is a really good agent but he has a secret talent (posting pretty pics on Instagram)
  • Playboy lothario has a bunch of annoying friends. Said friends happen to be couples. One couple is happily married and planning babies, the other are planning their wedding.
  • The male friends bet him that he can’t just date one girl until the wedding
  • He accepts the bet and conveniently meets someone (Cassie)
  • Cassie wants a no strings attached fling with Lothario
  • They hook up, hook up again, hook up again and there’s an impromptu Instagram photoshoot and boom, they (or well he) falls in love.
  • There’s some shit with French Montana but who cares? We get it. French Montana is in the movie. Get him to take his fucking shades off and maybe I can feign interest.
  • Anyway, it turns out that Cassie is getting married to some other dude
  • Lothario gets pissed off and insults his friends
  • Paula Patton shows up and apparently his shitty behaviour is down to him not dealing with the death of their parents… Yeah, they went with that original chestnut.
  • Lothario goes on his redemption tour. He quits his job and visits his parents’ grave and moped about.
  • The wedding happens and zzzzZzzzzzzzzzz
  • At the end, Lothario has a gallery opening and Cassie shows up to apologize for cheating on her husband (she got married, whaa) with him. Apparently her husband was getting cold feet and she was… Testing the waters?? Is that what we’re calling it now? This girl is tripping but okay, the movie more or less ended at that point. Thankfully.

The ending of this movie had me staring at my screen with pure contempt. I sat through all of those horrible sex scenes and they didn’t even end up together? What was the point? That it takes someone using Lothario to get him to realise that using other people isn’t good. Fine, but, seriously, what was the point?

It’s a romantic comedy. I don’t need any realism just a happy ending that doesn’t make me want to vomit. Is that so hard?

Ugh.

It deserves a rating of maybe 20℅. Just because the photographs were pretty. And it was better than Playing It Cool.

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