Or basically, the post where I roast myself for my woeful recapping skills of 2009.
I was sifting through my Google Docs folder when I found the reviews I wrote right at the bottom.
I dived in, hoping for some amusement.
I got plenty of it.
Friday the 13th
First of all, this movie was terrible. I knew it when I went out and saw it, knew it when I downloaded the shaky cam version, knew it when I re-downloaded it. Knew it when I realised I’d never spend another dime on it.
But my recap. My recap. My eleven-page long recap! I am not sure how I managed to write one page let alone eleven.
Most of it is me basically saying how cute Jared looked but parts of it are just nonsensical. I’m not sure if that’s down to my teenage brain or the fact that the movie was shit. Probably a combination of both.
Now, eleven pages is one thing but I have an additional three page review wherein I ordered the deaths. Yes. I ordered the deaths in terms of favouritism.
I don’t know if that was me reaching or something people do for horror movies? I haven’t watched one in a LONG time.
Highlights from the recap (and you know that I was bringing the snark back then too, LOL):
Lotion girl stops and says that she can hear something and she thinks that GPS dude is watching them. (So they are doing it in a tent in the middle of the woods and she is worried about someone watching…oh please)
Yeah, I didn’t learn many (or any?) of the characters names so Lotion Girl is referred to as Lotion Girl for all eleven pages.
LOL and then we see Jared riding his bike down the longest road…(LMAO…we started laughing…I was like WTF get a car!’ ) and he gets pulled over by a the one cop that this town has lol and (we were like laughing so much and were like ‘It’s not like he was going fast…’)
My friends and I basically spent much of this movie cracking up, yet, I still insist that it’s really good all throughout the recap. I’m such a liar, LMAO.
Then he finds….a hockey stick and he plays pretend hockey as well….and he breaks the window at the top of the shed by accident and he tries to hide the glass and omg he is so adorable. But yeah Jason appears at some point and the asian dude is just like ‘What, that’s not funny…’ and he is just talking LOL and the Jason uses some sort of pole and he shoves it through is neck into his throat….bye.
I love how this guy was so adorable that I was just like, ‘oh, well, you’re dead now – bye! I also have no recollection of this scene. Or most of the movie. Oops.
Anyway, around page six, I seem to get the hint that I have afforded too many words to a movie of this calibre.
THIS IS SO LONG!! I MEAN OMG. YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ ALL OF IT! I THINK I GOT TOO CARRIED AWAY, LOL I HAVEN’T EVEN SAID WHAT I THINK YET
Probably because I wasn’t thinking anything past OMG, JARED!!
I also decided to drop in some knowledge.
Jared Padalecki has been raving about this death since they finished filming on June 13 (a Friday lol!)
I was such a ridiculous fangirl that it’s beyond embarrassing. I’m forever finding old things and just laughing at how stupid I sounded. LOL. And actually when I first watched this I thought Jared’s character would die and I was literally just in bits.
Obviously that made it into the recap.
Then Whitney is like let’s go and they run off and they run down the tunnel and like Jared knocks down something and sets the whole place on fire (Oooh fire no.2) .
First of all, look how excited I was about fire no.2? I have no idea what I was on. I swear that I’m not a pyromaniac.
I started screaming because I was scared that Jared would die and I decided that seeing as I wasn’t scared I might as well scream for Jared lol and because I am weird.
I was scared but not scared? WHAT? Fangirl teen brain, y’all. Logic need not apply.
I was so jumpy at this point because Jason can still turn up and kill Jared!
….and then I was back to being scared (but the kind where I’m laughing).
My favourite part is the last line
And like obviously the end is so obvious but even I got a little freaked….it’s so clichéd but still unexpected!!!
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!
….it was cliched but….unexpected? Girl, you tripping! And three LOVE ITs? Really?
Anyway, my review was a lot more serious and less fangirlish.
I love the originality of some of the deaths. They were just brutal and that is how it should be. And Jason. I love Jason. He is just so awesome. That mask is just so awesome. I really want one!!!
….I can confirm that I never bought one of those masks.
It only got interesting when Jason turned up and killed everyone! That was awesome.
Everything was awesome.
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention about the recap. I numbered all of the scenes that contained nudity. That is the most hilarious thing to read. I’m just like, ‘remember that girl from nudity 4?’ LMAO.
Nudity 1 and 2 was okay I guess although a bit too early on in the movie for my liking.
Oh god, too early! The jokes write themselves.
The opening killed me. It was Jared-less, long, boring…..did I say long? I mean yeah it set the tone of the movie…sort of like slow, real slow and then sudden action but it went on for far too long. It only got interesting when Jason turned up and killed everyone! That was awesome.
Everything really was awesome. Why didn’t someone get me a thesaurus?
After I rank the deaths, I went on to finally offer a summary.
I don’t think this movie will further Jared’s career that much but it’s a pretty good horror film and he was great. I think I said earlier that he was maybe a bit too good for the movie itself, but all the same that can only make the character more sincere which it did and we know that Jared is complete master!
….I love how the recap is basically LOL THIS HAPPENED but then I’m so serious about the movie, lmao. Or Jared in the movie.
Thank fuck I’m over all of that nonsense.
My Bloody Valentine
This review is a respectable four pages long because I was a more laid-back Jensen fan.
Lol I can barely remember this.
….and the award for How Not To Start A Review goes to….me.
A bunch of kids (like adults playing teens!!) are partying in the mine because they are stupid.
I’d rather have a quick opening that one that goes on forever. I didn’t like the whole 30 year olds playing teens and they think that putting a cap on and dressing in ‘teen’ clothes makes it believable.
*dead* Well, okay then.
This one is short because I seemed to just get down to it, lol.
When you are watching it it’s not so obvious who the killer is but like as the death toll rises you can tell. Who is always popping pills just before a murder happens? Who is never seen just after or just before a murder? Or who ‘disappears’ while the murders are being carried. So it was so obvious that the killer was [redacted]
So…It IS obvious who the killer is? I’m all over the place opinion wise…and then by the end, I seem to have done a 180 and the movie is now really good!
I haven’t seen the original version so I can’t compare them but I thought that it was really good and really hilarious. I didn’t find it scary at all but I can see how it would be scary. It won’t win any awards or propel Jensen to international stardom but it was still amazing to see Jensen on the big screen and he looked amazing although he wore that coat over a hoodie and it looked wrong.
It really sounds like I’m trying to convince myself that this doesn’t suck. Everything was amazing apart from the coat over the hoodie (WHAT A TRAGEDY!)
And seriously, what was with my obsession with these guys and their quest for international stardom *dead* They’ve clearly made it already.
By the end of the review, I’m really reaching…
I like the way it was shot as well…and how the mine that caused the town so much trouble was the one thing holding it together….they all wanted the mine to remain theirs…it’s weird. But I liked that…the love triangle was interesting too!
I know damn well I didn’t pay attention to how it was shot. LOL.
While I was full of praise for Jared, I had this to say about the acting in this movie.
In terms of acting none of it was special. I mean Jensen was good, but his acting was basic. It was very one dimensional apart from the end.
WHY AM I SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT??
Look, it’s a horror film, Snarky. All they have to do is run, look pretty and say their lines on time.
All in all, while my reviews were like YAY HOT GUYS in reality, both movies were hilariously bad. It’s also hilariously bad that I went from LOL-ing through both movies to basically writing long-winded reviews on how amazing both movies were because I liked the guys (be thankful that I spared you from the fawning!).
Oh dear, oh dear. Thank goodness that I learnt how to be objective. Well. Kinda.