BAD MOVIE MARATHON #3
…in which I examine if bad movies really deserve their woeful rotten tomatoes score
I was going to watch Gigli next but I literally burst into laughter and repeated ‘I can’t do it’ about four time so. Expect a recap of that. I have issues. But right now my next pick is Batman & Robin!
This is the slowest marathon ever, I apologise.
Movie: Playing It Cool
Plot: Me (Evans) is a screenwriter who wants to write action flicks, but his agent Bryan (Mackie) wants him to write a romcom first. The problem is, Me doesn’t believe in love, and finds writing about romance difficult. But when he meets Her (Monaghan), he seriously falls for her, only to find out that she is already engaged to Stuffy (Gruffudd).
Rotten tomatoes score: 16%
You know you’re in trouble when almost every character is given a name except the two leads.
Uh, I got so annoyed about this film that I decided not to clean up my ‘recap’ so I will warn you to read at your own risk!
Anyway, the first thing I am aware of is there’s an awkward retelling of the ‘i love you/ditto’ ghost scene by Topher Grace.
Topher Grace is in this movie?
Ugh, the main character – hates love and his heart now ‘follows him around chain smoking’. Wow. How edgy…
The initial meeting between me and her goes like this: they meet a charity event and engage in witty banter that fails to be very witty.
me likes her but that goes to shit when he finds out that ‘stuffy‘ is her boyfriend.
me goes to various charity events until he meets up with her again.
they go on a ‘friend date’ because he’s trying to find some kind of flaw.
at approximately 32 minutes in I literally thought, ‘ABANDON RECAP’ but now I see that I don’t have much of one anyway.
her takes me to a yoga class, does intimate poses but then flips out when me confesses that he likes her. WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM TO YOGA THEN??
oh and fyi, me‘s mom ran off with some dude when he was a kid which is why he has messed up views on love. it’s tragic, I know.
on more terrible thing i forgot to note – whenever me, or anyone near me, tells a story, he has to imagine himself in the story. him and her because, y’know. he loves her. and also because this movie needed 50 fantasy sequences to make it suck even more.
random thoughts – does chris evens have a deal with Adidas? ’cause this movie is so boring that I’ve noticed that he’s wearing a lot of Adidas gear.
back to the shitty movie and me breaks a window at midnight so that he can ask ‘her‘ to do something. in the real world, that would be creepy. in a rom-com, it would love sickening creepy, in this weird anti-rom-com rom-com, it’s just as bland as the rest of the movie
in a particularly morbid moment, we find out that her’s dad killed himself, but not before sending her a bday card saying he loved her. so…she sends herself a card that she think her dad would every year. that would be sweet and all if it wasn’t an obvious lead in to me kissing her.
given that i didn’t make it through my first bad movie, i am determined to persevere but it’s sooooo hard. just look at my poor punctuation and the fact that this post reads like a fourteen year old’s first blog. i’m sparing capital letters from this horror.
back to the movie and now there are food euphemisms….which somehow lead to some tender lovemaking…..is there a point to this movie? besides the fact that her just cheated on her boyfriend (who seems to have been forgotten).
wait, right after that – me seems confused that her is going back to her boyfriend (no longer forgotten!)
this movie is basically one loooong, long endless conversation about relationships. i could have saved myself the time and just caught up with being mary jane.
halfway through one of those conversations, me is busted about pretending to be a philanthropist and her finds out that he’s a writer. and a liar. her gets upset and bounces
blah, blah, me hasn’t met any of his deadlines (he’s supposed to be writing a rom-com!)
uh….just to make things worse, me’s one female friend is in love with him and then ashley tisdale and matthew morrison pop up and threaten to kill me if he doesn’t get them their script (they’re the leads in the as of yet unwritten movie) but that’s all just a dream because y’know, lazy writing.
her calls me and meets him at the beach and tells him that she’s engaged….blah, blah, me says he loves her, me tosses the ring, they find the ring, they argue blah, blah. when will this end.
at this point, I happily wrote 24 minutes to go!!!!
me turns up at her’s (via a rock because of course) he pretty much blurts out that he slept with her.
after an embarrassing fight between me and stuffy – her tells me that she’s moving in with stuffy and eloping — look WHY DOES SHE KEEP TELLING HIM SHIT? JUST SHUT UP.
and wait, what, okay so me was brought up by his granddad and topher grace shows up after the fight to tell me that granddad is dead. awww.
but this movie is still trash.
me finishes his – apparently offensive – screenplay. woo, can this movie end? please.
after the YAY HAPPY ENDING NOT QU–me decides to stop her’s wedding.
that’s followed by a strange sequence where he tries to find the wedding by looking for heart sculptures?!!! after that fails he sees one of cupid’s arrow?
he follows that and finds her and surprise – she didn’t marry Stuffy. blah, blah, blah – they end up together.
this movie is the dumbest, stupidest, piece of garbage that i have ever, ever seen. i’m not even going to clean up this recap. it would be a waste of time. SORRY.
verdict: 0/10. avoid at all costs. SERIOUSLY.
if you want a proper summary here’s one from moviespoiler:
The narrator (Chris Evans) (whose name is never revealed) is a screenwriter, desperately trying to finish a script for a romantic comedy. He meets a girl (Michelle Monaghan) (whose name is also never revealed) and falls in love with her. However, she already has a boyfriend (Ioan Gruffudd). They try to remain friends, but end up sleeping together. Eventually, she decides to stay with her boyfriend and breaks it off with the narrator.
With the help of his friends, the narrator is able to discover what love is. The narrator comes to the conclusion that he is in love and decides to stop the girl’s wedding. When he gets there, he finds out that they didn’t get married after all. The girl tries to come up with excuses as to why they (her and the narrator) don’t belong together, but the narrator says that he knows there’s a chance that their relationship won’t work, but he’s willing to risk it for her. This wins her over and they kiss.
In a closing voiceover, the narrator says that everyone has their own ideas, philosophies and rules about love. But, he says that none of that matters, because love is not a “thinking thing”, it’s a “feeling thing”.