A Deadly Adoption | Lifetime (2015)
A distanced couple decide to take in a seemingly innocent pregnant woman in hopes of adopting her unborn child. However, there is more to a book than its cover.
I love a good Lifetime movie. They always tend to follow a similar pattern. There’s a husband of good social standing; a wife who’s either a nag or as interesting as cardboard. There’s a young heathen, who inevitably ends up dead or jailed, who tempts the husband and usually gets a little clingy. The husband has a huge revelation and realises that he loves the wife because she’s sane. The wife also gets to prove that she’s strong by (usually) taking down the young heathen. And then husband and wife live happily ever after!
A Deadly Adoption sort of started out with that formula before wildly careening off the tracks. For a movie that featured Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, this movie was short on actual and ironic laughter. It was just dull. Apparently it was a satirical movie? Uh, how, Sway? There was nothing remotely funny about this film. According to The Guardian the satire was ‘subtle’, which must be a nice way of saying ‘non-existent’. It was too dead-pan to be a spoof, and ended up being more of a tribute.
The movie opens with some kind of get together hosted by the happily married couple. The husband is entertaining his guests, while the wife is…on the dock. Yes, halfway through the get together, she decides that she wants to take a boat ride? Totally makes sense. Anyway, the husband is all relaxed about it. After talking about the book he’s writing, he helpfully informs his guests that the dock is rotten. Apparently he hasn’t gotten around to informing his wife. Fair enough. That would be okay if the wife wasn’t SIX MONTHS PREGNANT. His ass should be up and on its way to the dock, but nope. He instead starts trying to have a conversation with his wife from where he’s sitting even though she can barely hear him. What happens next is a slow motion backwards fall as the dock gives way and the wife ends up in the water.
We next catch up with them in the hospital, and we find out that the wife has lost the baby.
Four years later, the husband has lost his way. He’s refusing to promote his books anymore because of a disastrous book tour. Considering he looks like Tim Allen in argyle, I’m not sure what kind of disaster happened on this tour. Crime fashions? Creased pages? Oh wait, apparently he was hitting bars and getting blackout drunk (on a book tour?!)…
…while his wife looked after their diabetic daughter. Classy.
Now, he’s all obsessive about everything, including micro managing every single source of sugar in their house. His wife thinks that the only way to get him out of this funk is for them to…have another baby. I’m no expert, but personally, I’d try some therapy first. Anyway, she can no longer have children so they’ve turned to adoption. Except, the husband doesn’t like any of the prospective mothers they’ve looked at.
Until one day, a pregnant woman is brought over by the adoption people. The first thing she does is break a frame of the happy couple. Classic Lifetime. The pregnant woman, Bridgette, is sweet and says the right things. She wants her baby to have a good home, etc. She also fangirls over the husband a little. That should be red flag number one. The husband’s book are basically about money? And debt. Seriously? I’m now questioning why they have book tours for his books and why this young twenty-something would be a fan.
By the time the initial meeting is over, they find out that she lives in a woman’s shelter. After watching Bridgette convince their daughter Sully to wear a helmet, they decide that she can move in with them. Pregnant or not, haven’t these people heard of a background check?
Bridgette moves in and the first thing she does is pick up a magazine b with a picture of the husband and wife on the front. She then dramatically tears it in half so that it’s just a picture of the husband. The discarded half (with the wife’s face on it) is confined to the floor. Uh-oh…
There are a whole bunch of scenes of the wife at her farmer’s market having plot conversations with her best friend. They are all bland, boring and do absolutely nothing to drive the plot forward. Anyway, they all agree to have lunch one morning but Bridgette calls Sarah later and says that she’s tired. Or Robert does. I can’t even remember at this point because I was doing a wordsearch. Instead, she asks the husband if they can stay in together. He’s at home writing a book. In a hilarious piece of foreshadowing, he tells her that he’s not the same person when he’s in his little man-cave writing room. She smiles at him dreamily. O-kay, then.
There’s a dramatically intense scene where they look for sunscreen in a really small pantry. And then after that the husband starts eyeing up Bridgette as she lays in the Sun. Less than fifteen minutes after he randomly tells Bridgette that he blames his wife for losing their baby. Uh…yeah, ‘cause she was the one who about the rotten dock? Apparently he’s never told anyone before but he feels some kind of connection to Bridgette.
It’s painfully obvious at this point that this movie should be called When My Groupie Got Her Groove Back.
Things take on a dark tone when some random guy shows up and creeps the heck out of Sully, who is being looked after by Bridgette because….of reasons that were not explained. I guess being the pregnant house-guest makes her the defacto babysitter. The guy exchanges words with Bridgette and asks her what’s taking so long. At some point, Charlie, the wife’s best friend, also sees these two together. FORESHADOWING!
Next up, Sully is bored and in true bored kid fashion, she decides to just walk into Bridgette’s room. Bridgette is in the middle of showering with her bathroom door open because she’s presumably never seen any of those other Lifetime movies where showering with the door open = death. Anyway, she’s just casually taking off her FAKE BABY BUMP when she spots Sully. She claims that the fake bump is ‘baby support’ and tells Sully to keep it a secret.
I’m guessing the husband and wife didn’t bother to ask for a sonogram or anything, huh? What a bunch of regular Einsteins they are.
Eventually, Bridgette decides to step up her game. She talks to the husband and tells him that Sarah said she could take Sully to lunch. By the time he calls Sarah (like he should have done immediately), Bridgette has absconded with their daughter in tow.
Alarm bells starting rining and he goes into Bridgette’s room and finds a SIGNED copy of his book. Apparently her name is Jolene and SURPRISE!!!!! Jack hooked up with her during the disastrous book tour. Uh-oh. He just didn’t remember her because her hair was red back then. And he was blackout drunk and all.
Meanwhile, Bridgette has taken Sully to an apartment where the dodgy guy is. Apparently he’s in this for the money. I guess he thinks Bridgette intends to hold the girl for ransom, he just doesn’t know that the ransom is a middle-aged author and not some serious kasheesh. Bridgette, who has decided that she’s Sully’s new mom now, only panics when she realises that she forgot Sully’s diabetes medication.
Back in town, Robert and Sarah call the cops but he…omits the fact that he knows who Bridgettte really is, even as the cops are like, ‘Yeah, so…the real Bridgette Gibson looks like a complete different person’. Eventually, he tells Sarah but by that point the cops have located the real Bridgette, who is dead.
Some time later, Charlie tells the cops that he saw Bridgette with a man. After that he sees said man and decides to follow him in his car. He tries to call Sarah but in a shocking moment of convenience, there’s poor reception. Charlie literally drives right up to where Bridgette and the other guy are and well, he gets himself killed.
This is all very standard Lifetime confusion, but damn.
Anyway, it turns out that Bridgette got pregnant after hooking up with Robert but she lost the baby. So when she heard what happened to Robert and his wife (how? Did they send out a newsletter?) she decided that she had to have him!
Somehow she manages to shoot Robert, shoot the dodgy guy, get into a fight with Sarah, wound her and leave her in a turned on car. This is after Robert disappears for like ten minutes, and is followed by him dramatically bursting out of the garage with Sarah in his loving arms. BATMAN-STYLE.
Everything culminates in a dramatic bridge scene. Bridgette pleads with Robert to start a life with her blah, blah, blah. He tells her that she isn’t well, blah, blah, blah. Sully manages to escape. By the way, this all happen after Robert causes Bridgette to crash the car by…standing in the middle of the road and making her swerve wildly and crash into a bridge. Fair enough, he wanted to save his child. However, almost killing said child probably wasn’t a good idea. In the end, Robert and Sully escape by jumping into the water in slow motion because apparently, Bridgette won’t shoot them that way. While she [Bridgette] watches on dramatically, Sarah shows up and shoots her from behind, and she falls over the bridge and dies!! How did Robert and Sully manage to time their falls perfectly? Where did Sarah come from? Nobody knows ’cause this is Lifetime, home of the improbable.
At the end – and six months later – there’s this really bizarre five minute dancing scene. Apparently everything is fine and dandy….
….ha ha ha ha ha ha yippee?
I guess the joke is that it was just a regular ol’ Lifetime movie. Did it really have to be so depressingly dull, though? It was really fucking boring.
Rating: 5/10, just because the thought of a disastrous, boozy book tour was somewhat amusing.